Emotionally unavailable ex?

[BeingAlpha]

Hi to you both. I share my thoughts because it's a great therapeutic way to document how I felt and feel. Also guys tend to heal when they hear other people are going through the same..so in a way i should be thanking you.

As for was I always this mature? No...I was definitely not always this open, definitely didn't (don't) understand women. Haha. I did some things that I am not proud of using the excuse of...well I was upfront about what I was feeling. Yeah see love is completely irrational, and so is the need to be loved. When I was 25/26 I think I knew what I wante but had no idea how to get it or spot that I wasn't getting it. It wasn't until this most recent breakup that I truly sat down and took a look at what i was doing, the mistakes i was making over and over.

Hope you are lucky I am not in canada...I am quite charming LOL.

Have a great day all!!

[hope555]

LOL...beingalpha...charm is defintely not a bad quality, but only if used for the right reasons. haha. Seriously, thanks for everything though. I look forward to reading your posts everyday because it makes my head a little clearer, and makes me a little happier and my day a little brighter. I'll def keep in touch and keep you updated...hope you do the same...if not on these boards, maybe via email? Wish you all the best!!

Boscher...we should talk. Did you have the same experiences I did? How are you doing nowdays?

I know we'll all make it through, stronger and wiser at the other end. I think talking about it, feeling your emotions, and listening to other people's experiences and points of views adds to the learning experience of this breakup process. My ex is the type who probably just sucked it up and moved on...I guess I dwell and analyze things a lot more, and have stronger feelings of attachment, making this a lot harder on me. Plus, I'm the kind of girl, when I start dating someone, its because I really like them...and almost always think of it to work out for years unless something HUGE happens...and this was hard for me to accept, because nothing major happenned that we couldn't work on, and he still left. Anyway, my next relationship will be different and a lot more rewarding than this one. Good luck everyone!!

[Boscher]

Hey Hope.

Well my scenario is not all that different to yours. I'll let you keep this thread all for yourself - my misery can be displayed in it's own thread I'll make one tonight.

Like you I over-think things, my confidence and self doubt have taken a bit hit. I'd convinced myself she was "the one" - I'm such a soppy mess. Anyway enough about me - I am glad things are on the up for you.

You seem like a lovely girl, as weird as it may sound you will find another person to replace this guy. You deserve better.

[hope555]

UPDATE: So we were suppossed to have a meeting today where my ex was going to be there as well. But he skipped it. I even woke up early this morning to make sure I had extra time to dress up a little. I even brought him his book that I borrowed. I feel like such an ass...he didn't even care enough to come even though it was a good excuse to run into me. Should I text him and ask? I didn't think I would be this sad...ugh, I always have such ridiculous expectations in my mind when others are keeping themselves busy with stuff that's actually important. I had all these possible scenarios in my head of what could happen..ugh, i'm SUCH an IDIOT! I really want to see him...and I was looking forward to today for a while...thought we could make some sort of small talk and hug each other. Thought he would realize the chemistry we had and miss it. I guess i'm still not over him and miss him a lot. Don't know what i'm expecting you guys to say..just expressing how i'm feeling down i guess.

[Boscher]

Awww, you poor thing. Listen you must stop torturing yourself.

This guy clearly just isn't that bothered, I know it's a bitter pill to swallow - I'm in the same place. You just have to let him go..

Trust me the hurt will be alot more if you continually try and salvage and scrape every last opportunity with him - it's just going to stretch it out for longer and make it more difficult to recover from. He's just not into you, like you are him..

Don't let the negative filter block out the good. You've got alot going for you - try to realize it.

/hug

[BeingAlpha]

UPDATE: So we were suppossed to have a meeting today where my ex was going to be there as well. But he skipped it. I even woke up early this morning to make sure I had extra time to dress up a little. I even brought him his book that I borrowed. I feel like such an ass...he didn't even care enough to come even though it was a good excuse to run into me. Should I text him and ask? I didn't think I would be this sad...ugh, I always have such ridiculous expectations in my mind when others are keeping themselves busy with stuff that's actually important. I had all these possible scenarios in my head of what could happen..ugh, i'm SUCH an IDIOT! I really want to see him...and I was looking forward to today for a while...thought we could make some sort of small talk and hug each other. Thought he would realize the chemistry we had and miss it. I guess i'm still not over him and miss him a lot. Don't know what i'm expecting you guys to say..just expressing how i'm feeling down i guess.

Hi Hope,

Really sorry to hear this happened to you...the one thing that i have learned about people that let you down is they consistently let you down. The one good thing that came out of this is that you know that your ex has not changed and that you will always take a second seat to him and his needs. The most dangerous thing I have had in this break up is HOPE (ironically)...HOPE is your worst enemy in a breakup. Hope that they will somehow change, hope that they will appreciate you now..as Boscher said -- its a hard pill to swallow but the thing that this comes down to is that you have your answer. For a long time you were living in limbo -- thinking that the relationship could go either way. Now you know that this relationship will not be the relationship that you want and deserve. You have also realized that you are not over him and being friends with him is not a good idea -- you will want more. Its 100% okay to feel down; someone disappointed you AGAIN...and its okay that you took a shot -- you had to do this for yourself and now you can move on.

Don't see this as a failure -- we all could have just as easily told you to let it go completely and you would have always wondered if you should have gone -- so in a way this gives you closure. Feel free to PM (private message) me if you need...hang in there -- you know that you can live without this guy; you have for 2 months now..

Keep your head up...I know its hard and I know that it hurts...there is nothing wrong with this.

[hope555]

THANK YOU beingalpha!!! You always have such brilliant things to say that its unreal!

I did text him today just to say hi. We texted twice or so. Trying to make conversation with him was like trying to talk to a rock...no responses towards the end. Ugh..you're right when you say we keep going back to our ex hoping they will have an outpouring of emotions and validate our relationship, but they never do. I'm sooo exhausted of putting in ALL the effort when we were dating, of putting it ALL in when we're trying to be friends. If we could just communicate like adults, and say what we were thinking, it wouldn't be this frustrating!!! (or maybe it would because he would say "I'm actually feeling nothing towards you") I want to ask him what he thinks of our situation, does he want to be friends, does he hate me because i got so emotional when we broke up, does he ever think of me, how does he think of me??. I logically know NONE of these answers matter, and also know when it comes to boyfriends, he'll never make me happy because he's a cold, selfish man. But 4 months (2 months of no contact), and I still look for validation, for kind words from him, for some clue that he misses me. Honestly, you guys don't have to answer my rants if you don't want to. I write on here so I don't text him all these things i'm feeling because I can't keep ANYTHING bottled inside (and i'm tired of whining to my friends, as awesome they are). Anyway...good night everyone

[BeingAlpha]

THANK YOU beingalpha!!! You always have such brilliant things to say that its unreal!

I did text him today just to say hi. We texted twice or so. Trying to make conversation with him was like trying to talk to a rock...no responses towards the end. Ugh..you're right when you say we keep going back to our ex hoping they will have an outpouring of emotions and validate our relationship, but they never do. I'm sooo exhausted of putting in ALL the effort when we were dating, of putting it ALL in when we're trying to be friends. If we could just communicate like adults, and say what we were thinking, it wouldn't be this frustrating!!! (or maybe it would because he would say "I'm actually feeling nothing towards you") I want to ask him what he thinks of our situation, does he want to be friends, does he hate me because i got so emotional when we broke up, does he ever think of me, how does he think of me??. I logically know NONE of these answers matter, and also know when it comes to boyfriends, he'll never make me happy because he's a cold, selfish man. But 4 months (2 months of no contact), and I still look for validation, for kind words from him, for some clue that he misses me. Honestly, you guys don't have to answer my rants if you don't want to. I write on here so I don't text him all these things i'm feeling because I can't keep ANYTHING bottled inside (and i'm tired of whining to my friends, as awesome they are). Anyway...good night everyone

Hey Hope -- those who can't do teach. Seems I always have the right answers and have a great understanding of people but can't figure my own ish out :-( Sad. You can't communicate like adults with your ex -- even I am completely prone to emotion and making no sense when I speak to her...so I don't. I don't email, I don't IM, I don't text... the only words I would want (although less so these days) to hear is "I miss you and I made a mistake," but since I have accepted that its over and I won't get what I need I am ready to move on and look for someone who will give me what I need...where I find this person..thats the hard part.

You write here, I read here and respond - its a symbiotic relationship :-)...we are all here because we got tired of pestering our friends or don't want to push away the good things we have. Ever see the movie "Swingers" with Vince Vaughn in it and the guy Mike keeps asking questions about his ex..and why she doesn't call, he screws up new dates because he can't get over it....and basically acts like a freak...I resolved not to be that guy and annoy the hell out of my friends...but ultimately they are there to support you through this horrible time.

The reason that the people on here are so willing to help and talk etc.. is because we unfortunately are all in the same boat right now and it sucks.

You'll be okay -- take the book -- put it in an envelope and mail it back to him with no note or anything else. You will likely get a thank you text or call -- don't respond to it - it will only re-open these wounds again.

Favorite Postal Service Song...."Nothing Better" the girl is harsh but it still makes me laugh.

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
that's sure deserving of better company
I can't accept that it's over
And i will block the door like a goalie tending the net
in the third quarter of a tied game rivarily
So just say how to make it right
I swear i'll do my best to comply
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

I feel i must interject here
your getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
with these revisions and gaps in history
so let me help you remember
I've made charts and graphs that should
finally make it clear and i prepare to lecture
on why i have to leave
so please pack away and let me go

I can't my darling i love you so, oh oh
tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutcures

I admit that i have made mistakes
And i swear i'll never wrong you again

You've got a lure i can't deny
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
say goodbye

[hope555]

..where I find this person..thats the hard part.

I think thats exactly it. I've talked to maybe 5 or 6 guys since leaving my ex...but they seem nothing compared to the instant chemistry me and him had from day one. Maybe my standards are too high...but either they're not fun enough, or attractive enough, or don't have a lot of career ambition, so I'm not interested. That lightning will be SOOO hard to create with anyone else because I feel like it only comes about once or twice a lifetime. If we could find someone we had chemistry with like we did with our ex within a few months of breaking up..it wouldn't be this hard to move on. The patience of waiting and hoping is what drives me back to him...it almost feels like he was as good as it got (even though I know actual love that leads to marriage should be MUCH better than what we had). I woke up feeling a huge void this morning because my best friend who I told everything to ignored my text msg last night. I have no one to replace him in terms of how much he knew my life. Even my closest girlfriends I can't talk to as much as I talked to him because we were doing our phds in the same field, had the same ambition, knew of the same profs, faced the same issues, loved the same shows (list goes on and on!!)...my girlfriends are AMAZING...but I don't feel AS connected to them. He told what he missed most about having relationships is having someone to talk to...I give him the chance to talk to me by texting him, then why does he ignore me?? If we both miss having friends...why can't we work on being friends? So should I text him and ask why we don't talk anymore like friends and that I miss his company a lot and why he never texts me first? Or is that a bad idea? Ugh!

Anyway...good luck to both of us in finding someone else that appreciates us. PS: thank you for the beautiful lyrics...I have heard of their stuff before, never heard this song before

[lacrima]

Hi hope,

I can totally understand how much it hurts to have to let go the first love of your life… My breakup was very similar to yours, even though in my case it was a LDR that came to an end 5 months ago (long story cut short: aged 24, I had been doing a research project abroad, fell in love for the first time, great chemistry from the very beginning, had to go back eventually which did not really make things easier).

The feelings you have been through is exactly what I struggled with in the past (and still do even though to a lesser extend): The emptiness in your life when that special person is gone, the craving to hear from him, the hope that one day he will come back, the sadness, the lonely evenings, the fear of never meeting a soulmate again– but who am I telling!
What I have learned from it is that it is fairly normal to go through all the grieving process which means that your first task is to accept that your loss is real and that the ex is not going to come back… as hard as it sounds, the heart of your ex will not turn itself back on. And yes, I do have the same feelings about meeting other guys as you experience at the moment: it seems I cannot feel for them as I did for my ex. But being honest with myself, it is mainly because I am still comparing them to him and finding fault with everybody because I am still not over him. So give yourself time… It seems you have a lot of love to give and you will be able to do so again once you have healed and moved on.

Maybe it is not the best idea to text your ex right now and pursue a friendship. From my own experience I can just tell you that it did not work and did just hurt me again and again. I know that we think “I will just text him to see how he is and be friends” , just for temporary relief, but then again, we are extremely disappointed and hurt when they do not answer or their answers indicate that they do not care so much about us than we do about them… So stay strong – you do not need him, you deserve better!

I think you are coping fantastic, hang in there, we are all here to listen to you and be there for you when your friends are fed up...
Best of luck!

[BeingAlpha]

Hey Hope,

The lyrics don't do the song justice -- download it totally worth the 99 cents or whatever from itunes...its hilarious but more importantly the lyrics are true. You have in your mind this idealistic future and image of a person who isn't that person. The ideal person puts you at the same level that you do them and you never have to question if they love you or not.

This is your first love - recognize that the feeling is new and awesome and great -- recognize that you learned what its like to feel this way and are capable of love..its a gift; some people like your ex may NEVER feel this level of elation and the pain of course that goes with it. While I am sad and miss my ex, I am happy to know that 10 years after having my heart broken the first time, I can actually feel love and get my heartbroken again. I went through a string of girls that I thought I loved but when it was over I felt nothing...nothing at all...so in a sad way I would rather feel the constant sting of missing her than feel nothing at all..I hope that makes some sort of sense.

Also, recognize that every relationship is different and please don't be one of those people that chases the feeling that you felt the first time -- its like a heroine hit (i've never done heroine -- but from the Nat Geo special I drew this parallel ), heroine addicts are always increasing their bump because nothing will feel as awesome and great as that first hit. You will feel love, more than likely greater love than the first time, but it will never feel exactly the same because it won't be that new feeling you had never felt before.

You aren't really ready to appreciate someone new in your life until you have TRULY let go of the ex..and you will...but it takes discipline and closure (which I think you just recently got). So chin up there are great amazing guys out there ... maybe they won't be as hot, maybe they will be hotter...who knows? But they will be a better fit for you.

[hope555]

Hi lacrima!!
Nice to meet you, even though the circumstances suck. I know I should never contact him again but I get weak sometimes which is when I come on here and type out what I would've texted him. We liked each other soooo much, but I have to accept somethings are just passing experiences. I have decided to give myself at least till dec before I even say hi (funny...when its been more than 2 weeks of no contact, he usually comes bacl asking questions about my life). Its terrible that when the ex makes a decision, they can turn it off and just move on. And its terrible that more than likely that magic, we'll never be able to turn on again. Seems like such a waste of chemistry? We both had said we wished we met each other at another time in our lives when he was ready. But the sad thing is, we were at the wrong place at the wrong time and tried to make something work. Maybe this wasn't our destiny to end up together. And now that we've tried once...we can never go back to trying again despite of him saying he'll ask me out again in the future. I can def find a better bf...but I'll have a hard time finding someone that I look up to soooo much. Anyway, you sound like you're doing a lot better than me. Even then, if you need someone to talk to, we can help each other through these times....seems like 24 is the magic age when a lot of us seem to fall in love....lol. Good luck!

-Hope

[jackson.T]

Dealing with emotionally unavailable men can be the most daunting task even for an experienced woman. Problems start arising in the dating phase because such men refuse to give in emotionally. Most women are mistaken into believing that they can transform the man into whatever they want. Sadly, this never happens.

Emotionally unavailable men make the task difficult for women because, even though they are available on the dating scene, their preferences aren't clear. They are present physically but their mental and emotional presence is much missed.

[cmacattack1]

Maybe I could shed some light on this from my perspective, being an emotionally unresponsive boyfriend in the past? I honestly only read the first page and skipped to the end here so I'm sorry if I missed a few key details.

The first months of dating are great, I try my hardest and the girls I have been with usually fall in love. Hard. Not even trying to talk myself as some kind of awesome guy, I'm clearly behind the maturity curve of most 24 year old guys my age.

For me, it was about having a good time at first. Then I get the love yous and the I want to marry yous. Usually after a couple months. Okay, so maybe I've dated some girls that have some issues in that department. But for me, hearing that was kind of cue to "let up off the gas" so to speak and not try so hard. The false comfort zone. When the attention goes from every day and trying to not nearly trying at all, the girls notice that and get very insecure.

Then we go about saying it's all us, you are great, don't change. While you obviously aren't perfect, but what we guys are saying it could very well be true. I have such a low self esteem, I honestly didn't feel worthy of such a great girl. My sex drive plummeted as well. And I know it's really hard not to take it personally, but you have to try your best to maintain your confidence that you are a worthy person and that if you are getting treated this way you have to really give him space to be on his own. I really needed space on my own, I just didn't communicate. Period. She would try her hardest and I would slowly lose my feeling for her and then I would dump them if they haven't dumped me already and it's a horrible way to treat somebody. Drag them through the mud like that. In all honesty, I didn't know any better. I never really self reflected or ever wondered why. For such an attractive and intelligent guy that you were with, I imagine girls came to him pretty easy.

And even they can be clueless and dumb about things as well.

I finally woke up and got my shit together when my last girlfriend just dumped me on my ass completely. When I honestly sat down and thought about it and really appreciated her (although I was incredibly emotional at the time trying any way to get her back) I started to kind of look into my issues and tried to figure out why I was so depressed, why I didn't feel worthy, etc. etc. True, I had some childhood issues growing up and I wasn't really learning anything from my past relationships. What I think he needs is to be on his own to really figure things out, figure out what he wants, and from being on his own long enough to really appreciate having somebody. After not being single for longer than 4 months since I was 15, I have been single for over a year and it does feel great. Okay, so I do get lonely and I do sometimes wish I could have somebody, but this time I spent trying to figure things out and her refusing me was the best thing ever to happen to me.

I realized that the right person doesn't just come along and fix your problems. Love isn't this magical cure for all your ailments. You have to do that on your own. You have to be willing to work on and fix your problems, not sit around and mope as things go to shit like you are some victim. I had to lose something special to really appreciate that fact. Of course, if he doesn't mind the way things are going for him, he may not realize this and continue on until he loses something and it really hits home. But I don't think you can make him realize anything he doesn't want to listen to, and to win him back would just bring heartbreak again.

You have to really cut him out. Resist that temptation to facebook stalk him, to call him because you know that deep down you are hoping to try and get him back through that. It's not getting you anywhere, and you are naive to think otherwise. It took me a better part of the year to really realize some things and start implementing those changes in my every day life to make me a better person, let alone a better boyfriend. And even now I still relapse on bad habits and bad decisions that I used to make. Everybody is different but I saw way too much of myself in your ex. Why would he ever want to change if he can always have you when he feels like it, and you exhibit that with your need to "talk". Even if it was totally unintentional, that's how it can be perceived. Unfortunately you can't change the way he thinks and reads those signs.

And I know you may have not found something with somebody else but this guy cannot and will not be the only guy for you. He's your first everything and he will always hold a special place in your heart. And for most people, these kind of guys are few and far between. But if you are focusing on him, the other guys you pass by everyday are going to fly under the radar. They won't ever have a fair chance. You can't help how you feel, but if you are clinging onto him for dear life, you aren't helping yourself out in that respect.

I hope I helped. A little bit of word vomit but it should make some sense...?

[hope555]

Hey camacttack!
Thank you for that unbelievable useful post. It does sound like a similar story to my ex. I know inspite of his looks and intelligence, he is also very very insecure. I had LOTS of clues to this when we were dating. I guess my worry is I met him at the wrong time. Plus, it was my first relationship. So I got a little needy after the breakup because I was in love and missed him so much. If only we met at a later point in our lives when I had dated more guys, and he was more emotionally mature, we would've worked out better (he even said this all the time, where he's like "I wish I met you later in my life"). He does have a lot of girls throwing themselves at him...so as soon as he gets lonely, he starts to date another girl and then falls back into the same emotional-less mess and breaks up. There will be another girl that will meet him at the right time when he has decided to change, and she will reap the benefits of an amazing boyfriend. I truly believe he can be an amazing bf, if only he could emotionally open up.

I guess I have a question for you as someone with a similar personality type. What was it about your ex-gf that all of a sudden made you realize you need to change? I sometimes feel like I should've dumped my ex (i had all reasons to) so that he would respect me more..i feel like I acted like such a doormat throughout the whole relationship, that he'll never work on himself to be with me...he almost feels like he can make no change and I'll still be around?? He will change for a girl, but someone who demands this change....so I feel like there's no hope for me and him because we both screwed things up too much - i tried loving him too much, he pushed me away way too far! Would you ever respect or want to be with a girl like that??

I sometimes look at random other girls who are absolutely gorgeous (like model gorgeous), or ones who are really funny etc..and wonder, gee..maybe my ex would change for a girl like that...but I'm not good enough for him to change? I mean I am sweet, caring, loving, thoughtful, intelligent and beautiful...but there's always someone out there with these qualities and a little bit more. Thats the extent of my insecurities. Should I really maintain no contact, or try no contact until he contacts me...so that atleast we can be friends in case one day he does change..I can be around for that?

I guess why I'm holding on to him this way is beccause..he has a VERY easy time attrating girls..so I feel like he can always find someone when he's ready. I but don't meet too many guys I'm interested in (maybe I'm too picky?)...he was one person I respected and had the most fun with out of any guy I've ever met.

Anyway..thanks for all your insight, and I hope we can stay in touch.

-hope