Just friends but feel like we are a couple - what do I do?

[LARRY]

I have a girl friend who does that to her friend. I keep telling he that this is wrong but she doesn't listen. The reason why is simple, this is the perfect relationship for a woman; he is a friend who does everything for her except having sex. Moat women are different act this way, they look for support in men so once they get it they never let it go, they don't care if is from a friend or a boyfriend, whoever gives it they'll take it. The problem is that this is egoistic and can potentially hurt somebody else's feelings, in this case yours.

I would say that you take some space to breath and think about what you are really getting our of this relationship and if it's not what you expect just forgive here for being selfish and rebuild your life. Go out and meet new friends, if you are a good guy you'll find a good girl for sure.

That's exactly what my friend's friend did and now she just realized that she kind of love the guy. Once they miss you they start falling apart

[YouAreBeautiful]

If you are interested in the woman as a friend then stay with her. However if she has no interest in you it's probably not going to develop from continuing in the same way. If you are happy just going on as things always have been then continue. If you want change, either for the better or worse you need to make a change. Either be aggressive go after her, no turnin gback to the way things were, or back off and see if she comes to you. Continuing as things are is fine if you want to but nothing will change if you do. Good luck!

[Randomness]

God job man! You propably remember the post sent yesterday, (our situations are/were very similar!) and after reading this I felt somewhat enlightened. You really did the right thing when you chose to lay it off, and see how she would react. I'll see to it as well, and if she really does miss me (which she will eventually) I'll be a somewhat different person just to see her reaction and try to discover any feelings she hasn't told me of. Great job!

[JGolds29]

Apologies for bumping a somewhat old thread, but I could really use some support today. This morning was the first time I have really had the urge to contact her, even though I am not going to. I know I need to be strong and not cave in, but the last couple of hours have been a bit difficult. She texted me late on Tuesday night to say that she missed me - I didn't respond - and then called me and left me a voicemail on Wednesday to see how I was doing (she sounded like she was going to cry on the voicemail). I responded with a text message about a half hour after the phone call with a joke, to which she replied, literally within 30 seconds, with a text to make sure I was doing alright. I told her I was honestly doing well and also included another joke, and she responded with a couple of other texts that I never responded to. I haven't heard from her since, which I pretty much expected, because she initially said she would respect my need for time and space.

Despite my feelings today, I've honestly been doing really well and I have been feeling SO good about myself lately; I've been doing a lot of reading and listening to podcasts about self-improvement, and I really do feel like I'm making positive changes. I'm smiling all the time, I'm thinking positively about myself, and I'm opening myself up, both in terms of confidence and the possibilities that my future presents for me. Each day I try to do something that takes me out of my comfort zone, which mainly consists of me putting out a positive and confident vibe and talking to people I don't really know. All in all, this situation has really brought about a positive and, I hope, lasting change for me.

At the same time, I miss her a lot. I miss our deep, thought-provoking conversations and I miss making her laugh on a consistent basis. I miss the enthusiastic text messages she used to send me every day and the inside jokes we shared. I miss the midday and nighttime phone calls and saying goodnight to her before going to bed. I miss being a support system for her as her best friend, and I just really, really miss our friendship. Still, I have to remind myself that I need to look out for myself, and what I'm doing now - taking time away from her and really improving myself, not just saying it but actually DOING it - will pay off in the long run.

Any advice, thoughts, encouragement, support, etc. is much, much appreciated.

[eonbar]

you seem to really know what you want and you seem pretty ****ing strong in the way your going about it! i wish i would resist some of the things i've wanted to say to people in similar situations. all i can say is carry on how you are. your doing the right thing by improving yourself.

just remember that at the end of all this she may still not fancy you. this is never something which people can fake so don't hold out for this girl if you happen to bump into someone else in such a positive state which you seem to be in. at the end of the day you could end up with someone else and still have the amazing friendship you share with this other girl at the moment....

[JGolds29]

eonbar, I sincerely appreciate your post and your compliments. If I'm being truly honest with myself, a small part of me wants to change because I do want to date her, but I think and feel that the majority of the reason I'm doing this is for myself. Before someone else can see my value and worth as a potential romantic partner, I have to see these things for myself and that is what I'm currently doing. I am appreciating myself for the person I am and know I can be, and I want to make these adjustments so that if my best friend does not ultimately see and appreciate them then some other woman will.

I am also trying to become less needy and attached and just enjoy my life for what it is. You're second paragraph is completely correct in that I feel having expectations about a situation like this will lead me nowhere, so I'm trying to live in the moment as much as I can and not take the things I have and the improvements I've made for granted.

Thank you again for your kind words, eonbar.

[latinking101]

JGolds...i'm going through the saaaaaaaaaaaaaaame thing as you, buddy! Except I had sex with my best friend. This complicated the hell out of everything. To be honest, I didn't know what to do with myself. My plan is to pretty much spend less time with her and more time with other people. If you want, refer to my thread in the "Love Advice Forum." It's under "I had sex with my best friend." (I can't post it because forum rules say i have to have over 15 posts :/

[JGolds29]

latinking101, thanks for your response and I've read through your thread as well. I'm sorry for everything you're currently undergoing, and the way your best friend treated you after the situation you two experienced together was completely heartless and cruel on her part. I strongly recommend distancing yourself from her, and I hope you stick to your guns as you move on. Good luck, my friend.

I think we're really similar in that we've both been labeled as "nice" guys and I really think that is where the majority of our problems lie. We've been conditioned to put the feelings of others before our own and we end up getting hurt because of it. I'm sick and tired of being a doormat, and I'm now determined to look out for myself and be a bit selfish when it comes to my own feelings and I recommend you do the same. I won't change the traits that make me such a nice guy - empathy, sympathy, good listener, etc. - but I've realized my value and worth as a man, and I deserve to be happy, first and foremost, and I don't need someone else to validate that happiness.

This is a continual - and quite difficult - process for me, but I want to stick with it because I know the man I can be. I just need to take it one moment and one day at a time.

[JGolds29]

UPDATE: So I need to know if I handled this situation the right way or if I should have gone about it in a different manner.

I hadn't heard from her since last Wednesday when she called and left a voicemail to see how I was doing, to which I replied with a joking text. After asking again how I was doing, I said I was good and replied with another joke. I could tell she was upset by my response but I didn't respond when she texted twice more, including an abrupt "Bye." Fast forward to today when she sent two super dramatic texts along the lines of, "I can tell you don't care about me because I haven't heard from you" and "Have a nice life."

About a half hour after she texted, I called her and left a voicemail for her to explain her texts and here is my reasoning for calling her. First, I was genuinely pissed off by her drama-queen mentality - she has no right to be upset with me since I asked her for space and she willingly told me she would respect that need. And second, I wanted to stand my ground and show her that I'm not some doormat and I've grown some balls over the last 10 days or so.

She called about an hour and a half later and I asked her to explain herself right away. She told me that she was pissed off at me for not responding last week when it was clear she was upset and she thought I was serious when I sent those joke texts. I immediately went on the offensive, telling her that I was joking when I sent them but it was her fault for misunderstanding me (I didn't apologize one time during the conversation). I then told her how pissed I was by her dramatic texts and I finally got her to apologize a few times for sending them. She also apologized for being selfish and not respecting my space. I eased up a bit at the end of the conversation and we joked for a minute or two before telling her I had to go.

To recap, I held my ground and didn't once apologize for my actions or my lack of contact - in fact, she made a comment that we both had apologized (I think this was towards the end of the conversation when my anger had subsided and she could tell that I had loosened up), but I corrected her and told her that I didn't apologize and had nothing to apologize for; I reminded her that I was the one who requested the space so I shouldn't have to contact her (I honestly think she expected me to contact her after a few days, but I've been pretty firm about my NC); I let her know how pissed off I was about her dramatic texts but I kept my composure and didn't really raise my voice; she apologized a few times for being dramatic and for being selfish.

I feel like I handled this situation correctly, but a female friend thinks I should have just ignored her - that was a possible option, but I know she would continue to contact me until I finally addressed it - yet my sister thinks I did the right thing. Any thoughts?

[Nimrod44]

I think you handled it fine. You needed to actually talk to her and sooner rather than later to clear this issue up. She needed to hear how angry you were and why. Good for you on standing your ground on the matter also. You are learning.

Yes, she is a HUGE drama queen. That much is clear now. Having less and less contact with her is what you really need. You alone won't change her behavior. She may always be this way. By staying away from her it will become obvious to you how distressing this relationship is. It does you no good.