Confused ex-boyfriend? The suspense is killing me :-(

[mrad88]

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me a week ago. He said he couldn't do the long distance thing for 4 more years if I decided to go to grad school far away. I had been applying to schools near him, but he said that it was too much pressure on him if I based my decision on where he was.

During most of our relationship, we were two hours apart, but I lived with him during two summers. We went on vacation to Europe together in July. He moved 6 hours away from me in August, but we both agreed that we wanted to make it work because we loved each other so much and we saw a future together. His new job is very stressful. He is working 10 hour days and is studying for licensing exams. When I visited him, he barely had time for me and I got a little upset about it. He started acting differently and saying that he felt like talking to me was becoming more of an obligation than fun like it used to be (now I know that he was really bothered by me being upset with his work schedule and he had a bad impression of me after that, but he never told me until after we broke up). After work he is completely worn out and feels like crashing. He said that the long distance had been very hard and he hated it. It was hard for me too, but I tried to make it work. A couple of weeks ago, he texted me saying that he truly does love me and without me he feels empty inside. He said that I make him feel relaxed and calm when I'm around. He talked to his boss about how to make long distance relationships work since he is in one as well.

Less than one week after that, he Skyped me and told be he couldn't do it anymore. He said he was breaking up with me and he started crying. I have never seen him cry before so that made it even worse. I started crying too and begged him not to do it. He said I had always been the perfect girlfriend and that I was loyal, trustworthy, smart and beautiful. He said he wasn't sure if he was attracted to me anymore and he couldn't handle being in a long distance relationship for another 4 years if I ended up somewhere far away. He hung up and wouldn't talk to me after that and wouldn't explain anything else. A couple of days later, I tried to talk to him to get answers and he said he was confused about his decision and he needed time to think about it. He said he needed to think about what he really wanted in his life. I tried to leave him alone, but I ended up texting him one night a couple of days later to say that I hoped he did well on his practice test, in an effort to make a better impression. He immediately got defensive and told me to leave him alone to think about what he wanted to do. He said he was considering all options, but he kept saying things like, I was a big part of his life and he's trying to move on. Has he already made his decision? I keep thinking that this "time to think" is just his way of dipping out of the situation so he doesn't have to think about how I feel about all of this and how it's tearing me up

Also, I recently found out that his roommate is trying to set him up with one of her friends. From his comment, it seemed like he was open to doing this and he has met her before. I'm so afraid that he'll jump into meeting other girls before he actually thinks about what he let go.

Ever since the breakup, he's been updating his facebook status at least twice a day with really happy messages and fun things he's doing. He's using smiley faces in each one. He barely used facebook before the breakup. Is he really not bothered by this?

Is he just stringing me along by saying that he needs time to think about possibly reconsidering his decision? Is this just his way of running away from the situation or do you think he really is thinking about this? Should I contact him and tell him that I need to talk to him about this, or should I just wait for him to contact me? This is making me so miserable. I feel like I have a tiny glimmer of hope that he might want me back, but the more I think about it, the more worried I become that he's just using that as an excuse to get rid of me. Please help, I really need to know what to do. I need honesty right now.

[mrad88]

So even though I was going to stay strong with the NC after 5 days of doing so, he facebook messaged me today. I waited about 15 min before responding. I wasn't sure if he was trying to tell me that he had made his decision after thinking about it. We chit-chatted about other things for a bit and then he asked if i had gotten the chance to think about why he's having issues being apart from me for so long. I said that I had, and that I had been talking to lots of people about it and taking in all opinions. He said he just doesn't think it's realistic to go through this for another 3 years. He said that last weekend he felt stress free, like everything was normal (without me) and that he still feels like long distance is too much to handle on top of everything. I asked him if the distance was the only reason, and he said he also feels like I don't understand his life. He said that he felt perfectly fine not talking to me for a couple of days if he was stressed from work but I wanted to talk to him every day. I didn't know this at the time, this is all new stuff to me. I just thought that he was losing interest in me by not talking to me every day. If I had known how he felt, I wouldn't have freaked out about it.

He then said, there's something important I have to tell you... "I had a dream last night that we were talking about getting back together and you told me you had sex with someone else. I seriously woke up and realized you are just like ***** (last ex-girlfriend)" He said that she was the same way in their relationship. She was insecure and latched onto him to feel better. He was more of a caretaker than a partner. And he felt the same way about our relationship. This is all news to me. I had no idea he felt this way. I had no idea I had been acting so insecure. It hurt to be compared to this girl because the reason they broke up was because she cheated on him. I never even thought about doing that to him, and he knows that.

He said, "I'm just saying that i feel like there is a lot of the same features in her that are in you and thats scary to me." He said that he felt like a caretaker in our relationship, and that was one of the things he had been thinking about and questioning. I told him that this just shows that we hadn't been communicating well at all. I had been planning a surprise trip to see him, which would have been this weekend, before we broke up. Part of that was to be able to sit down with him and ask him about why he had been so distant... now I know why, and the lack of communication led to all of this. He said, "ok, but i can still tell you that im not sure i feel we should be together." and then said, "i dont know if its just the miscommunication, stress, long distance but something just doesnt feel right. I know it's hard but it just doesn't." He left it at that. I don't know what to think. I don't know if he's just trying to let me down gently, or if he would be open to going to counseling to talk about all of this. I know I can't fix the long distance immediately, but his new schedule at work gives him 3 day weekends now, so we would be able to see each other more often. What should I do? What do all of you think about this? Please help me :-/

[mrad88]

Is there anyone out there who can help me? I just need to know what you guys think because this is driving me crazy. What should I do? Should I try to talk to him if he contacts me? One of my friends suggested that we should meet up in person since I haven't seen him in almost a month (before the breakup). Would that help us talk everything over?

[IncognitoSir]

To be honest, the "problem" is the long distance relationship. I'm pretty sure everything else is just an excuse. Frustration tends to build up in a LDR until all of a sudden you're overwhelmed by it. True, you guys could of communicated a lot better than you did, but I believe the damage is done. Sounds like he wants no part in a LDR with you or anyone. As far as the reason behind him dodging an explanation for you.......well, he doesn't know how to tell you. HE has some serious communication problems. I'm sorry it all ended for you like this, but you should begin to think of a future without him. He's already putting effort into moving on and I think you should do the same.

[mrad88]

I decided to write out a long email about how I've been feeling. I told him that I really didn't appreciate him comparing me with his last ex-gf because we are nothing alike and he knows that. I asked him what happened to him wanting to make things work the week before he broke up with me. I told him about how we did not communicate well since all of these concerns came up after we broke up that I had no idea about. I said that it seems like he's trying to push all the blame on me by pointing out "flaws" in me that seem to be very trivial and could have been fixed with communication. I had a word document where I saved all of my favorite text messages from him when I got a new phone. I took a few of them and copied them onto the email. I deleted him from facebook because it was too hard for me to constantly see his updates. I wrote this email while he was at work yesterday afternoon, and I received a response after he got home from work at 2am:

That really was a tough message to read. I honestly have no way to express to you the right words to make you feel better and fully understand how I feel. I do feel awful that you are hurt so much over us breaking up, but no break up is ever easy. And believe me you may not think I'm hurting but I truly am. I just don't want you to resent me for how things ended. I just know deep down in my heart that something just doesn't feel right and I have to listen to my heart. I'm sorry for everything I have done to you Megan and I hope sometime soon you can forgive me and we can be friends.


I really now believe that this is over. I still don't have very clear answers, but this is kind of giving me some closure. I really hate that it ended like this. I honestly don't know how he could go from trying to be a better boyfriend to me and trying to fix his schedule so he could come visit me more to feeling like something "isn't right" in his heart. I hate that all of this breakup stuff was done through email, facebook chat, and skype. I haven't seen him in over a month, so we never got to talk about everything in person. At this point, I don't think I could be friends with him. I am still hurting very much over this and it would hurt even more to have him as a constant reminder of this. Should I respond to this email or should I just ignore it?

[Iliveinoblivion]

I would really love to convince you you´re very young and that you have a life ahead of you. LDR are the common first heartache for millions of people that had to move to another town to go to school. Life is composed of cycles, think of this as a beautiful cycle that has just ended, it is painful but so death is; then, after you have accepted it you´ll be happy with the new beginning or your new rebirth, the new you. Keep this experience as a wonderful memory but, life is about constantly changes in order to not stay stagnant with your life.

I really wish I could convince you because I waited almost five years for someone when I was 21 and, when I went back to my town she had been going out with someone for two years. I wanted to jump in front of a ten-ton lorry. After a year of torturing myself, I realized something in my life had to die for me to be born again.
Take care and, don´t forget: You´re very young and have a entire life ahead of you.

[BeingAlpha]

Is there anyone out there who can help me? I just need to know what you guys think because this is driving me crazy. What should I do? Should I try to talk to him if he contacts me? One of my friends suggested that we should meet up in person since I haven't seen him in almost a month (before the breakup). Would that help us talk everything over?

Hey there -- I know how you feel -- I know that it feels that your world is spiraling around you right now and no one knows the sheer panic you are feeling trust me we ALL know the panic your are feeling. First -- and this is going to be harsh: but what I have learned through my life and experiences is it really doesn't matter how the other person feels when you break up with them -- the most important thing is how the breaker upper feels (or doesn't feel), why? Because if we always considered the other person we would never do it.

Second -- everything you are doing is making it worse regardless of what you think -- but its completely natural -- so now we need you to reach deep down into your soul and find as much strength as you can to do NOTHING...and I mean nothing, don't write any more emails, don't send any more text messages and don't make anymore calls. While it sounds counter-intuitive the only thing those emails and texts do are make your ex feel guilty -- who ever wants to be with someone because they feel guilty? It doesn't really matter why your ex feels that he needs space, he just does. His note to you that he is hurting -- I promise you he is. You were a big part of each other's lives and he definitely feels that something is missing now.

Third -- You asked if anyone out there can help you -- yes that person is YOU. The only person that can help you is YOU. We all need you to realize that while it may seem that your world ended that this guy was perfect for you he wasn't. If you really sit down and write out all the good things about him and all the bad things about him you will find that there are definitely things you didn't like.

Do I really think this mess is over? No -- more likely than not he will reach out to you again -- why? Curiosity, to torment you, to see if he still has power over you -- doesn't really matter its going to happen. How you react to it is the only thing in your control. It will be SUPER tempting to talk to him, to tell him how much you missed him -- don't. IF he has changed his mind and you ignore it -- it won't make it so that he loses interest...it will make him try harder. If he is truly truly desperate to get back with you -- he will find a crazy, insane desperate way to get back together with you.... In the same desperate way you are feeling right now...

But if he doesn't want to get back together again, it will probably be one of the last or the last time he reaches out - you need to be okay with this...and have faith that someone is out there dying to meet you, to fall head over heels in love with you, to try to make you happy. I know this all from experience - but again every situation is just a little bit different.

You will be okay, I promise --you will be okay.