woman problems

[manlystanly]

Hello ladies and gents. I found this site while looking for advice on my current relationship, after reading a few threads I thought I might be able to find some desperately needed advice...and eventually even advise some of those in need. An objective point of view is really a great thing, its odd how hard it can be sometimes to know if you are in a relationship thats worth while, yet others can take a look at your position more clearly and say "ok, this should or should not be happening" or even "GET OUT ITS UNHEALTHY!".
So, I am recently divorced. My marriage had ups and downs as usual, but we never were right for one another in the first place. We got together when we were 18, now we are both 30, were on again off again boyfriend/girlfriend for about 5 years and married for 6 years . We had a child very early, and another followed out of wedlock. Then 2 more during the marriage. Although it begs asking, at this point in time please do not ask "why did you continue to have children if you weren't happy???" We did thats all there is to it, for now. Last year I began having serious doubts about the woman I was with. We saw nearly everything differently, from religion to television and everything between we disagreed on some level. So I told her in late December that I was leaving her, I was no longer in love with her and it wasn't fair to either of us, long story short. However, because of finances, and because I didn't really know what to do next, I stayed in the house sleeping on the couch until about April.

Now, to the point of this thread, my current relationship. AFTER telling her how I felt and making it clear to her I was leaving I began an intimate relationship with a long lost friend. This woman was always a very good friend to me, and a person full of life and just all around amazing to me. She and I have lived completely opposite lives, I began work directly out of highschool and now own a small business and tried to be a family man, she went to school for a long time, traveled and had multiple...partners. At first we did things all the time together, she always wanted me over and would email regularly throughout the work day and text on the rare occasion we weren't together on an evening or day off. We had playful banter in the emails and texts, or she would complain about a client or a work associate or whatever was going on with her day. We basically had what I thought was a great chemistry, never argued, lots and lots of love making, vacations...you name it, everything was great. Then as the year went on and I still hadn't finalized my divorce (in my defense the law said I had to wait 6months) she started to feel used, started to feel like I didn't care about how my still being married affected her. In truth, no I did not even think that it affected her, in my mind I was telling myself that because I constantly told her I loved her and that I was DEFINITELY gone from the marriage, I thought she just believed everything I said and that should have been good enough. Well, I was wrong. We started fighting about little things and she was always ready to say mean things to me, always ready to jump my ass about minor mistakes or forgetfulness things I would do. Ultimately I did get the divorce done and I thought that would brighten her up, wrong again. She says that I hurt her by not coming through with the divorce as quick as I could have, says that I've broken her trust and I may never get it back. In her defense she is under stress with her career and some other issues with her home. Basically she needed some major work done in her home because of natural disaster damage. Since I am self employed I have a free schedule so I have met with various contractors during the work day so she doesn't have to leave work, I also have all the equipment and resources needed to get the most expensive work done so she and I have done all that we can by ourselves. I have told her all I want is money for materials, I will work for free. I love her and this is the least of what I would do for her, anything to make her life easier and to try to establish some trust again. Well on the last day of phase one of this project we got into a horrible fight over something I did in the morning...I spilled coffee in her car on the cargo mat (which is dark grey and has previous wear signs). Immediately she started in on me, I apologized and I told her I would get it cleaned out, but she just kept going and going about how I don't think sometimes and made such a careless mistake in HER vehicle...to me this was waaay over the top. I told her understood not being happy about my accident but cut me some slack-it was an accident and I am in the middle of saving her thousands of dollars. She told me that she could have just called family and friends to help her, they have tools and trailers. We didn't speak until that evening. When we did she never apologized for anything (and I've found this to always be her style toward me), and she told me she needs a break-not a break from the relationship but a break for time of her own, says she doesn't want to spend almost everynight together anymore.
While this work has been going on she has had to stay with me. Being the holiday times she's had family functions and what not. When she came home from the last family function I asked her if they knew who she was staying with, she said probably. So of course I ask, what does that mean? She says, well I guess they actually think I'm staying with one of my friends. So I ask, do they even know we are together? Well I'm sure they do she says, I've never actually told them but they know we are around each other a lot. So I say, then no you have many guy friends and always have, they don't know we're together. End of that discussion. So then a little later in the week I had my kids for the night, whom she has not yet met. I invited her via email to come out and do something with us that night, she didn't respond at all. So later before I had them I asked her in person if she'd come out with us, I told her I'd really like her to meet them and I feel like its about time. She just said not tonight, I'm tired and under a lot of stress its not a good night I'm going to stay with a friend for the night while you have them. I didn't argue or push it, thats her call to make. So last night she stayed with me and I overheard a phone conversation she had with a friend. This is one of her various guy friends from college (he is married with children) that she hasn't spoken to in quite a while I guess. Anyhow I heard her say that she was in the process of some major repair work in her home, that she was doing this and cleaning that and meeting with all kinds of people. She said that she had just spent three days doing a bunch of work, and a friend helped her. That got my blood up a little-I'm wondering why wouldn't you just say "my boyfriend helped", or even go beyond that and be completely honest and say that I had been a MAJOR help and had saved her a ton of money??? So the conversation carries on and I hear her say this "I started dating someone...and that...(chuckle, chuckle) is what it is. I guess I'm not a complete man hater anymore. That sounds bad, I guess you could say theres at least a couple of them I like."

I don't know what that last statement means. Does it mean she has someone else she is intimately interested in? Or was she just implying that she's met guys that don't seem like the jerks she encountered in college? I don't know how to approach her. I wasn't eavsdropping, I was just within earshot, but I'm sure she'll take it as an invasion of privacy. I also don't want to appear needy or desperate, but I am seriously bothered.

So I don't know what to do about the relationship, should I take a step back and let her have time and meanwhile get myself involved in something to keep my mind off her? How much of an effort should I put in to it? Throughout the entire relationship I have payed for everything we've done together, everything. But now I feel like she is pulling away from me and I don't want to allow myself to be used. I don't want to be praised by everyone she knows for all I've done recently on her home but it would still make me feel better if she told people her boyfriend, not her friend, has really come through for her.

Thanks to those of you who took the time to read all this, I will appreciate any advice.

[crazygirl]

She seems to be pretty afraid of committment, maybe rather than the problem with your divorce being that you weren't yet divorced, it could have been because you were soon to be. Could be that as long as you were married you were safer, i.e. less chance of committment. But then again it could be that she sees you more as a "friend with benefits" rather than as a boyfriend. Either way, it sounds like you could use a bit of distance from each other. But I do hate to say that it sounds as though she is using you; place to stay, house done up etc etc. If she is still staying at your house obviously that is difficult, try and gently ask if there is anywhere else she could stay for a while, if she asks why just say that you need some space.