Can Love Regrow? A Problem with Ex-Lovers

[Luvelle]

Hi, guys. New user here!

I was hoping this place would be good for mature, respectable advice.

I'm going to try to be as brief as possible so that no one suffers from "too long; didn't read" syndrome (it really is a long story, however). But I need some advice, preferably a little more than "just break up now". Yeah, it's going to be one of those stories. I need thoughtful input.

I'm usually on top of these things, but lately I've become a little confused with a couple of ex-girlfriends of mine. I really don't know what to do.

Not too long ago, I got back together with an ex I hadn't seen in quite a while. We'll call her Anna. We were head over heels when we were younger. Ultimately, it didn't work out because she was in a very difficult place in her life and couldn't handle a relationship. We stopped talking after that for a long time. It was later on that I met and fell in love with my more recent ex, given the name Sierra. I feel like I was very much in love with Sierra. I don't know if it was due in part to me being older and a little wiser or what, but it felt true. We ended up splitting because now I was in a difficult place in my life and we were long distance.

I started to talk to Anna again a few months ago. We chatted like good friends and reminisced about old times, old love letters, old shenanigans. I guess it rekindled a few feelings we still had, or maybe we were re-romanticizing the old ones. I don't know, but we ended up getting back together.

I'm dubious about this because I don't think either of us were thinking clearly at the time. I say this because as well as my own intentions being questionable, I wonder about hers as well. I mean, I do believe that when you truly loved someone that love doesn't go away. I guess I had gone into this hoping that would surface. Or maybe I was tired of being alone and wanted the company. I don't feel much of anything when I tell her I love her but I do still care about her as a person, if that makes sense.

I also have to question whether or not she was sincere herself since her decision to bring up getting back together was like flicking on a switch (she was ultimately the one who brought it up; I simply fed the flames, anticipating). Sometimes I wonder if she did it as a rebound after a previous girl she liked turned her down. Or maybe she wanted companionship, too. I don't believe her when she tells me she loves me. I don't feel a connection with her, but I also don't want to break up.

I kind of measure my relationships by comparing them to the one I had with Sierra. If Sierra were to come along and ask me back, I would drop Anna in a second. I've started to talk to Sierra again to see if something like that could happen. However, I don't want it to seem like I don't care about Anna at all. I do, very much. I'm just not sure if it's a love connection. The plus side of being with Anna is that we're only a few hours apart, and that'll be less once I move to where she is to attend the nearby University in a few months. Sierra is about a state over. But I feel like I had a great thing with her and I've yearned for years to try again. I was curious about trying again with Anna but I feel like I'm waiting to fall in love with her again, for love to grow on me. Can it do that? Is it good for it to do that?

Or am I settling? Am I just lonely? Is it good for both of us to be doing this? How can I really find out how she feels without just outright asking? She's a very sensitive person and goes on the defensive a lot. I don't want her to get the idea that I'm doubting our relationship. It would only damage this, and obviously I don't want to lose it. Why I don't want to lose it is the question. Or if it would be best if I did.

I don't know. It all feels very messed up and I'm not sure what to do. Any advice or conversation on this would be great. I'm not sure where else I could talk about this. If anyone is really serious, please post or PM. I'd love to hear from you.

[Mybrandnewlook]

Hi Luvelle, you say: "How can I really find out how she feels without just outright asking? She's a very sensitive person and goes on the defensive a lot. I don't want her to get the idea that I'm doubting our relationship. It would only damage this, and obviously I don't want to lose it. Why I don't want to lose it is the question."

Somehow I think your answers are all in there. Why don't you want her to get the idea you're doubting your relationship? You are doubting it. And while she might get defensive and hurt, you would at least be giving her direct feedback, and giving yourself the chance to get some pretty straightforward feedback, too. Maybe you're afraid of what she'll say? or what you might say? But whatever happens, you'll both have a better chance of finding the right person and happiness if you get real feedback. So I suggest courage. Good luck.

[damn2010]

Sounds like you have some thinking to do about yourself.

Granted, Anna could have some additional emotions in her head, but lets focus on you.

It sounds like you first are giving Anna and anyone else you meet NOT A FAIR CHANCE because you keep mentally comparing everyone to this Sierra girl. Which 100% means you are NOT over her. It's alright to reminisce, but don't bring anyone into your life and heart if your thoughts are with someone else.

You're also not being honest with Anna, and I think that is where you need to shape up and figure things out. Either be honest and talk with Anna and let her be to find someone who can care for her and go after this Sierra girl. Or cut your ties with Sierra and see if your emotions grow with Anna again.

Point is, stop focusing on another girl....and if you are too much, either cut your losses with the current one so you can act on that. Whose not to say if you got with Sierra you would start missing Anna?