6yrs and no marriage?? Advice, thoughts and comments plz!!

[lovebug411]

Hi,
I've been with my boyfriend for 6 yrs now. I love him and I know he loves me. We are happier now then we've ever been. I'm happy where our relationship stands for now, but eventually I want to get married. We got a house, next I want to get married and have children. I've brought it to his attention and it never ends well. His response is "why do you want to mess up a perfect thing by getting married?" I understand that he's seen so many unhappy marriages between his family and friends, but not all marriages end in divorce. I try to tell him that we don't have to fall into that category. I know what I want and thats him, but if we can't be on the same page I don't think I can do this anymore. I just don't want to make the wrong decision. I try not to bring it up too much, because I don't want to scare him and push him away. I'm 26 and he's about to be 30. We aren't getting any younger!!

Please give me any advice, your thoughts and point of views. Any feedback is appreciated.

[smackie9]

Was this ever discussed at the beginning of your relationship? Did he say that he was unsure and you hoped he would change his mind? I don't think fear because of what he sees from others, it's you. There's something about you that could be holding him back. Guys fear marriage for many reasons like boredom, sex will die off, fear of being neglected when children come along, loosing his shirt if the marriage ends,.....I suggest couples counseling. Get one that is like a mediator that will ask you both what you expect from a marriage, how many children, where you plan to move if you out grow the house, how to afford daycare, etc.

[Junket]

In all honesty, I feel where is coming from. It's a difficult thing to overcome.

[doppelgaenger]

What's the rush in getting married?

[EnjoyingLife]

He probably feels he has committed to you by buying the house together. When a guy holds out on marriage I've always wondered if it's because he is genuinely fearful or they just doesn't want marriage with their current partner? It's even more frustrating when your partner says they want to get married but don't take action towards it! At least your partner is being honest. I don't see what's so scary for him though, as you are both basically living the married life already so he should have no problem proposing to you. You're still both so young though but I can understand you wanting marriage after being together for 6yrs. Did he give you a specific answer to why he doesn't want to get married? All you can really do is decide what you are willing to put up with yourself. He doesn't seem to want the same as you at this stage so you either wait and hope he proposes or you leave. Good luck.

[girl68]

I can totally understand. What do you mean rush- it's been 6 years and they're both full adults with a huge commitment already- a house. Now if it were 1 year in and they're 21 yeah, I'd ask the same question.

Do you both agree on children? Does he want them? When? Does he think you have to be married? Does he *believe* in marriage?

[lovebug411]

Obviously there is no rush since it's been 6 yrs but the thought and security of one day we will be married is all I want. At first we didn't discuss marriage because it was way too soon. Not until the 3-4 yr we talked about it. He's always been anti- marriage and I was hoping that would change after a while. His main reason is he say he wants to be financially stabled before he gets married, which is great because I want the same. He wants to be able to take care of a family. And that's what i Love about him because he thinks smart. He just thinks marriage changes ppl. And i dont think it would since ive been with him so long and we are practically living a married couples life. This is me and im not changing. I just want a commitment. He tells me he loves me and he would love to have kids with me but he dont want the marriage. I really disagree. If im good enough to have his child why am i not good enough to be his wife??We don't have any children and our house is under my name so it's not like the house is holding him back. We have a great sex life and we are honestly a very happy boyfriend and girlfriend couple. I just don't understand what the problem is.

[Junket]

What's the rush in getting married?

6 years is not a rush.

[blent]

Obviously there is no rush since it's been 6 yrs but the thought and security of one day we will be married is all I want. At first we didn't discuss marriage because it was way too soon. Not until the 3-4 yr we talked about it. He's always been anti- marriage and I was hoping that would change after a while. His main reason is he say he wants to be financially stabled before he gets married, which is great because I want the same. He wants to be able to take care of a family. And that's what i Love about him because he thinks smart. He just thinks marriage changes ppl. And i dont think it would since ive been with him so long and we are practically living a married couples life. This is me and im not changing. I just want a commitment. He tells me he loves me and he would love to have kids with me but he dont want the marriage. I really disagree. If im good enough to have his child why am i not good enough to be his wife??We don't have any children and our house is under my name so it's not like the house is holding him back. We have a great sex life and we are honestly a very happy boyfriend and girlfriend couple. I just don't understand what the problem is.

Isn't that an indicator that he's going to eventually marry but is simply not ready yet? Just give him time... you have the married life already like you said, so why create all this stress?

[girl68]

He's actually telling you 2 very conflicting opinions.

1) he needs this that and the other thing before he gets married (smart, of course I agree!)
2) he doesn't want to get married at all because it changes people. (he's right it most certainly can)

If you feel like you're talking to a wall on the subject I suggest you bring up some counselling to settle it. Which is it? Does he want to marry at some point? Or will he forever refuse.