I know I'm probably beating a dead horse here, but a fresh perspective, please!

[tpk578]

Ok, first of all I just joined here so I could ask this question; and I apologize . I never do this but I am just confused as to where to go; I've heard many different takes on this but I suppose it couldn't hurt to get the advice of people who are not close to me, here goes:

I'm 27 and I've been dating this 28 yr old woman I met on a online dating site. We've talked on the phone/texted/emailed for about two months. Hung out with her a couple times, and went on two actual one on one dates in the span of a month. Perfect, Perfect, Perfect. OK, fast forward (or should I say go back) to 2 weeks ago. The last of our dates..... things were fine, not as fun as the previous times we hung out. A lot of that was my fault, as I had so so much on my mind ..... you see I'm a graduate student pursuing 2 master's and I had the weight of the world crashing down on me, the hardest week of my life.

Anyways, I get to the end of that week after that date. I had only talked to her twice on the phone and texted once that week. Even after she had previously asked me how I was going to celebrate finals implying shed be around........ no answer when I call after I am done. All weekend. Last week she sent me 2-3 texts saying how sorry she was for not talking to me in so long. I buy the excuse she gave at face value, whatever, she had never given me any reason to doubt..... well I sent an email 6 days ago, just something funny and creative.... She sends me texts that day about how she cracked up, wondering how I was doing, etc... 4 Days ago I called, nothing. And that brings me to now.

Note: Yes, I understand the concept of ignoring someone to make them go away. And yes, I also understand the concept that she may have met someone else in the meantime. So, I know those theories well. I'm wondering if that is the case here. There is only one thing I can think of that couldve set a red flag off for her on that last date. She kept telling me things like "i can't believe something good came out of internet dating", "i cant believe______", I mean just heaping on the praise, and hugging/making out with me. Towards the end I told her I thought she was beautiful..... and if thats the only thing that I did wrong then whatever I'll accept it and move on.

And, ps I know theres an abundance of women out there so I'm mature enough not to get stuck on one. But my question specifically is: IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN SAY TO HER THAT DOES NOT SOUND NEEDY OR DESPERATE? Ultimately, I'd love to keep getting to know this woman more, and I think she should get to know me as well; there are definate connections, without getting into too much private detail I cant imagine her meeting someone else like me, nor I meeting someone else like her. If not, then I'm fine with that but I just to know a reason why, i thought older ppl didnt play these kind of games?

[tpk578]

Basically to the women: If you were backing off from a guy like this, but had made it apparent for over a month through your actions and words that you thought there was something there...... is there anything that you would want to hear at all? Or should I just drop it clean. In other words, I feel like there is a fine line between giving up too easily and coming off as desperate......... so what would I say in this situation?

[smackie9]

She's trying on line dating? Then it's obvious you are not the only one on the menu. She probably gave someone else a shot and it turned out to be a better prospect. You only went out on some dates, you were not in a relationship or official, so she is fair game for someone else.

[sadlady]

Hey
As a female I would suggest you pull back a bit,make no contact and she will probably come crawling to you.I would guess that the reduced attention during the week you were so swamped annoyed her a bit and now she is trying to call the shots by controlling the contact between you.
And,by the way,telling a woman she is beautiful is NEVER a bad thing!!

[Gratedwasabi]

Anyways, I get to the end of that week after that date. I had only talked to her twice on the phone and texted once that week.

Only talked twice and texted once before the week was over? Way too needy for two or three dates in. She might respond positively because she's nice but really be thinking "okay, I've got a life and we've gone out three times. Come on."

Everyone plays the games, at least at the beginning. Take a deep breath, cross your fingers, and wait for her to contact you.

[tpk578]

Thanks to both
Smackie- Yup, I'd definately say there's more than a good probability of that... and theres nothing saying that she wouldnt i mean youre right there was no committed relationship - im not delusional.

Sadlady- Perhaps, its a little muddier than that...... without going into personal detail, I have a feeling the holidays may be a bit difficult for her as well, so I'm trying to work around that. But Yeah, theres always that possibility.

So, so far we're working under two ideas: a) Shes met someone else (likely, I concede given the circumstances) or b) repelled by my lack of attention

However, what if shes pulling back for some other reason (like I said theres a score of possible reasons). Should I just wait for her (not waiting in the literal sense; as I'm not that dumb to sit around sulking or anything), or how should I play it, or what should I say over the holidays. Honestly, if it isnt meant to be its not. And like I said thats fine, but at this point I just want to know whats going on..... i.e. I just dont want to say the wrong thing at this point. I know there is no one magical thing you can say to bring someone closer (ie everyones different), so ladies what should I avoid saying/doing in the meantime??

[tpk578]

Gratedwasabi- thanks

Take a deep breath, cross your fingers, and wait for her to contact you.

I mean thats probably all I can do come what may, if it is in fact because I came off as "needy". But really, I mean after talking on the phone and everything for 2 months, is two phone calls that week after the date and one text all that much?? I mean there were times that shed text me if we went 2-3 days without talking. I'd love some Ladie's input on this as well....... honestly just seems like a case of lost interest.

[Gratedwasabi]

Gratedwasabi- thanks



I mean thats probably all I can do come what may, if it is in fact because I came off as "needy". But really, I mean after talking on the phone and everything for 2 months, is two phone calls that week after the date and one text all that much?? I mean there were times that shed text me if we went 2-3 days without talking. I'd love some Ladie's input on this as well....... honestly just seems like a case of lost interest.

The game changes when you actually go on dates. It's stupid but it does. I've had chicks I talked to daily for a month or two, went on a few dates, figured the talking would be the same, and it scared them off.

I'm not saying you were needy, I'm saying in the strange, strange mind of a woman she might have perceived that, despite it potentially being LESS often then you HAD been speaking. She might have lost interest. She might feel crowded. Really you should just wait a week or two for her to contact you, if she doesn't but you're still interested send her a text asking if she'd like to hang out sometime. Either way you get your answer.

[sadlady]

I would play it cool.Make contact occasionally-you dont want her to think you have lost interest completely-but dont be too eager.Wait for her to come to you.If its a case of her having met someone else you probably wont hear from her.If its not that,the lack of interest on your part will drive her crazy and she will come looking for you.

[MerryH]

Yeah, she's probably lost interest. But try this:

Forget about her until after the holidays. Text her on Christmas Day and just say, "Merry Christmas, Linda!" Of course, this won't work if her name is not Linda. In that case, use her real name (this is important.) If there is any conversation, keep it short and sweet. Then don't initiate any further contact until after the new year, when you will ask her how she's doing, how her holidays were, blah blah, and ask her out on a date. She will say Yes or No, or some variation of No.

Obsessing about this over Christmas is going to suck for you, and you wouldn't want to risk bugging her during what is typically a busy/stressful time for people.

[Sonrisa]

yeah, if you follow any of the those tactics then I truly hope that she can find someone before you contact her. someone who is interested and not afraid to express it.

[tpk578]

Thanks MerryH,

Yeah, I'm not going to "obsess" over her during the holidays. And I am going to kind of go about it the way you outlined; which was my original thinking anyways. Sonrisa: She's expressed interest in me, and I in her, so thats not the issue here. If she still has any interest at all, I'm just trying to figure out the best way to go with this, just trying to avoid any stupid decisions that would seal my fate so to speak.

Also: I never told her this, but it could be worth noting. I was really hurt 2 years or so ago, and she was the first"real" date(s) since that time. The old girl was high maintenance, demanding, etc.... nothing like the new girl. Therefore, I may have seemed tepid, like I was walking on eggshells, and too into her..... kind of a continuance of the old situation. Couple this with the fact that I was going through the toughest month of school and work in my life..... and it was not a good combination for me. Completely began dating her at the wrong time. In the next week and a half or so I am going to go on a couple dates (who knows maybe I'll really click with one, rendering this moot), and I have an awesome new years planned with my friends. So I feel like I am going to "reset" myself if you will. ......... But I want to get to know this girl more, and I think via the connections we had for those 2 months, there may be some interest in her getting to know me as well.

So a question to anyone that wants to reply, and advice is greatly appreciated:

How do I best convey this information to her (ie- the anxiety/stress caused by the timing and the "rustiness" of my dating skills if you will......... and just let her know I want to get to know her, come what may, maybe something comes of it, maybe nothing?

[tpk578]

Alright, for those of you who responded to me before the holidays..... update. And maybe you can keep me from doing something stupid and mucking this up.

Anyways, I did take the advice and text her on Christmas.... nothing big just a couple exchanges between us wishing each other Merry Christmas. However, I did decide to call her the next afternoon, she was at work, but called back a few hours later. We talked for 30 minutes and it was not like we hadn't talked on the phone in 2 weeks (that time it was 45 minutes). I had to break the conversation because I had to go to dinner with friends. Decided not to bring up any of the not talking for 2 weeks (even though I was obviously thinkin why???) and I also held off from trying to ask her out. She's going to be in another place for new years, so that would be a no go anyways. So I just told her I'd call her around the new year (our favorite team is playing which is a major connection between us) and the phone conversation seemed to end well.

I'm trying to figure out the best way to go with this. Obviously, I want to see her again. But I figure I'll wait til after the New Year to do so. I talked to her Sunday and I'm fighting the urge to text her right now; as we used to do every couple days or so. I just need to slow down and let it play out I suppose. And there is the chance that she was just being nice, but in my experience, I've never really known even "nice girls" to keep you on the phone for half an hour...... so I don't know. If there is some interest left, what do you think is the line between texting/calling enough?

[vashti]

I don't advise you to avoid all contact until after New Year's. By that time, I would have determined the interest level just wasn't there.

Also, I don't think you did anything wrong by talking to her a couple of times in a week, especially given you had a much higher level of contact prior to your date. Reducing contact tells a girl that your interest level is reduced, too.

And no, there is nothing wrong with telling a girl she is beautiful.

Maybe you can just send her a short message that says you enjoyed talking to her, and that you hadn't realized before that you kind of missed her.

[Boisdevie]

What is it with these ****ing games? After my first date with my GF I spoke to her every day on MSN - did she think I was some 'needy' idiot? No of course not. You have to let her know how you feel - none of this bullshit headgames - and if she doesn't have the same feelings as you then that's the way it goes sometimes. My GF phoned me today = she cares for me. No phone call = she doesnt' care.