A pretty mocked up story causing desperation

[DavidDeAnge]

Everything started in Middle October 2010 I got in contact with an cousin I haven't seen in 8 years. Now my cousin I really love her more than anyone she's like my sister who I never really got to know.
My sister died the same week as she was born in 1991, I didn't know anything until I was 7 years when my mom finally wanted to tell me about it. After that day I suffered from desperation as a child in three years until I get on track again. My cousin is as old as my sister would have been thats why I see her as my sister, we share the soul and therefore I have a "feminine" part in me
Now this October I got in contact with my cousin on facebook as I said I haven't seen her in 7 years.

We started chatting and inboxing each other A LOT it makes sense after all we haven't seen each other since 2003, my desperation of the old times started coming back with the combination of how much I miss her I got a complete tear down this November talked with psychologists about the problem started with medication and exactly when everything was going good the most feared thing occured.

Started with me loosing the contact more and more with her th past couple of days she didn't reply to my msgs, I started to panic until I found her number and called her no one answered. When I asked her sister of whats going on I got the reply "Look we don't want you anymore just forget about us and move on" I saw shocked about what she wrote after hours of me asking why she said that she simply blocked me on every site.

This night her best friend msgs me on facebook and explains what's going on she starts of talking:

Look David your cousin has been hiding something from you, thing is every letter, chat, inbox, mail etc. have been watched by her BOYFRIEND. Now please you are causing problems between them because he is getting jealous that there is other guys who love her. So please when I say your messages really made them argue. Just please leave her alone

I was shocked about all this, how can her boyfriend get jealous of me loving my cousin I mean for gods sake I am her cousin no matter what happens I will always love her and especially her because of our special connection.
He even threatened to come to my country just to beat me up I was like WTF.
The thing that bothers me is 4 main things:
First she didn't tell me she had a boyfriend, that way I could have formulated every msg so it doesn't lead to misunderstandings.

Second who the hell comes between the family I mean if you love her so much you would be able to handle that their is some in her family who loves her, it wouldn't make sense to have a cousin that you don't love.

Third if he really loves her so much he would have understood that her cousins love her to I mean he really played some cards wrong here you wouldn't get jealous about the family if you really love her.

Fourth why the hell does he read the everything I have written I mean it's pretty personal and to drive him crazy with my feelings and the love I show my cousin without knowing it is really disturbing.

Now she said try to forget about me; erase me BUT HOW THE HELL WOULD I BE ABLE TO DO THAT she's my cousin and especially she stands very close to my heart and I can't forget her as I said: No matter what I will always have her in my mind she's my cousin for god sake and I want the best for her.
I don't think a guy that get jealous about his girlfriend's cousin is the right guy, what would they do in the future he would one day crush her heart and she will hate me forever.

So what are your thoughts on this I really need help here

P.s I have a girlfriend and she respects the relationship I have with my cousin

[justcheckin]

when you say you love this girl, do you mean, "love" as in the way I love my brother/sister/mom/dad, or "love" as in, the way I love my GF, like passion, want, desire, etc?

I think you first of all need to stop trying to talk to her so much until you can figure out what the misunderstanding is. Establish some kind of reason on what is going on, and go from there. Her boyfriend is jealous for a reason other then you are just messaging her.

[DavidDeAnge]

We love each other like brother and sister not like girlfriend-love and that have always been there nothing will or can ever change that, but what he was trying to do here was to mess up with the feelings I don't know if he's that kind of guy that really get jealous fast but he really played some cards here really wrong. My cousin knows that it's not right to treat a family member of his girlfriend but he apparently doesn't know this.

It's not that I go watch every message my girlfriend sends to guys or family members and I will never do that either because I trust in what she says I think other guys should do the same otherwise your relationship is not gonna hold in the long run.

The misunderstanding comes that he thinks I want to do something with her boyfriend-style that is not the case here and she told him that but he wants her to end all the communication with me ASAP and that is really pushing the limits here I don't think I would demand my girlfriend to end the relationships she have with her cousins that would be idiotic.

When you find your girl you should consider that she have family members and those members love her so I don't see what's so wrong with us two chatting and loving each other - Sibling style my girlfriend understands the situation and she talks with her cousins too but this guy is different.

[SelflessnHumble]

Everything started in Middle October 2010 I got in contact with an cousin I haven't seen in 8 years. Now my cousin I really love her more than anyone she's like my sister who I never really got to know.
My sister died the same week as she was born in 1991, I didn't know anything until I was 7 years when my mom finally wanted to tell me about it. After that day I suffered from desperation as a child in three years until I get on track again. My cousin is as old as my sister would have been thats why I see her as my sister, we share the soul and therefore I have a "feminine" part in me Now this October I got in contact with my cousin on facebook as I said I haven't seen her in 7 years.

(1) I am truly sorry for your loss of your sister.
(2) Your cousin ISN'T your sister. Just because she is a female at the same age as your sister would have been is
a fantasy you created in your mind to cope with the loss. I'm sorry to have to tell you that it isn't healthy and
seems to be the cause of your outrage in what has happened.

We started chatting and inboxing each other A LOT it makes sense after all we haven't seen each other since 2003, my desperation of the old times started coming back with the combination of how much I miss her I got a complete tear down this November talked with psychologists about the problem started with medication and exactly when everything was going good the most feared thing occured.

Please tell me the truth.
Did you start to have romantic feelings for your cousin? Ever at all?
Did you feel infatuated, or in love with her?

I was shocked about all this, how can her boyfriend get jealous of me loving my cousin I mean for gods sake I am her cousin no matter what happens I will always love her and especially her because of our special connection. He even threatened to come to my country just to beat me up I was like WTF.

It all depends.
Since I do not know or see the context in which your notes were written I cannot deduce why
a boyfriend would be jealous of a cousin -a family member. Are you blood cousins or not?
Either way this guy has major issues with security but in this day and age it isn't uncommon for cousins
to get together as abnormal as it may sound to some.

The thing that bothers me is 4 main things:
First she didn't tell me she had a boyfriend, that way I could have formulated every msg so it doesn't lead to misunderstandings.

Busted. What do you mean by formulating messages so they don't lead to misunderstandings?
What did you tell her David? She didn't tell you that she had a BF and guess what? YOU didn't ask.
Was it out of Convenience?

Second who the hell comes between the family I mean if you love her so much you would be able to handle that their is some in her family who loves her, it wouldn't make sense to have a cousin that you don't love.

This is a problem David.
See I've been exposed to countless families and the way they interact with each other -especially cousins (80+ in my family)
They don't say "I love you" when they see each other, write each other each time.
I think your fantasy about her becoming your sister has ruined the very thing you had wanted with her: closeness.

Were you honest with her and told her about your sister's death and how you viewed her as your sister?
Your want of the relationship you thought you had is abnormal from the beginning. SHE isn't the cure for
your depression and just because you "felt" this way doesn't make it so.

Third if he really loves her so much he would have understood that her cousins love her to I mean he really played some cards wrong here you wouldn't get jealous about the family if you really love her.

This is yet another instance where a reason was because you love her.
Personally I wouldn't get jealous, but if after 7 years both of you finally begin to talk to each other...
*I* would find it very weird if my girlfriend's cousin started writing her (as you did yours) and tell her
that he loved her all the time. -Very weird???-

Fourth why the hell does he read the everything I have written I mean it's pretty personal and to drive him crazy with my feelings and the love I show my cousin without knowing it is really disturbing.

You shouldn't worry about that David.
He needs to feel like he has complete control over everything she does and yes
it is disturbing that her privacy is compromised due to his jealousy: it isn't right.
At the very least she feels overpowered by his ultimatums and his dominant position but
she did argue with him over it so she does care about you I'm sure, don't feel too bad.

Why is he in an other country?
You should see her face to face, write down ALL of your feelings and tell her
because you have a right to know why she cut you off -because you are family-
It doesn't matter if she sees it differently due to her abusive and controlling BF -irrelevant-
because perception is NOT reality. Just she doesn't see something does not mean it isn't there!

Now she said try to forget about me; erase me BUT HOW THE HELL WOULD I BE ABLE TO DO THAT she's my cousin and especially she stands very close to my heart and I can't forget her as I said: No matter what I will always have her in my mind she's my cousin for god sake and I want the best for her.
I don't think a guy that get jealous about his girlfriend's cousin is the right guy, what would they do in the future he would one day crush her heart and she will hate me forever.

So what are your thoughts on this I really need help here

P.s I have a girlfriend and she respects the relationship I have with my cousin

Has your girlfriend read all of the messages you sent your cousin?
If I were you I would let her see them, so you can get an unbiased perspective.
If anyone would get jealous -it should be your GF-

Lastly I'm sorry to disagree with how you feel but
she isn't your sister, she is your cousin and SHE is her own person not your sister.
This is the issue and you should find solace in the fact you have a GF and confide in her.
You need to resolve this issue for yourself. It is not healthy for you to be doing this.

Whether or not your cousin will hate you is not your issue and it is not your responsibility
to be thinking about it when SHE lied to you about her BF for whatever reason. She should have mentioned
him to you but something doesn't sound right here. You should speak to this BF of hers
either on the phone or in person to hash it out. How old are you, your GF, your cousin and her BF?

[DavidDeAnge]

Thing is here she count me as her brother because of the fact that the only on who helped me through the desperation being a 7 year old kid was her, she stood behind me in three years I recovered. The year after she moved to Canada and since then I havent seen her.

Now I know she will never be my sister but she was the only one to support me when no one was near. The fact that he read everything and that she lied was the crushing part of everything.

I have had depression problems many times in my life its a part of my personality and I cant change it.

Now the ages are as followed Me:18 Gf:17 Czn(1st czn - near blood):19 Bf:21
My gf truly respect the love between really close family members because she have suffered from the same things and know how it is in that situation only difference she was 10years when she got a similiar depression period.
But I still cant see the jealousy about all this okay I admit it she is the special cousin of the mass I have as cousins and she knows that and accepted it only thing he isn't getting it. I requested a call from him and he said "we'll see because as it seems right now 'we'(I) are(am) having problems with you"

Its not that I love her as my cousin and its not gf love between us its a more rare connection nearly sibling connection and she knows it but he dont get it.
I and she actually formulated the inboxes more how would you express it: romantic but she didnt hint or make any move so I could know her boyfriend was watching everything. Its not I want her as my gf butour connection is rare she knows, I know it, her sister knows it, other cousins too and they respect it but this random Bf she got doesn't seem to understand.
Thanks for the symphatie I just need him to feel the same.

Edit: Forgot to say that I have not a good social life neither did I use Fb, or msn etc until this summer when I meet my gf who is my source of inspiration. Thats why I havent exactly talked on a way that express feelings with her. Only phone calls when the my parents want to talk with them and say hi and that didn't hapoen so often maybe every 4months.

[iloveyouforever]

me and my cousin grew up together, he's 2 months older then me and we did everything together.. we had a special bond too. if i had any problems hed help me.. i always tend to break up fights at school and of course i would get hurt because it would always be boy fights... and of course he'd save me from getting my ass kicked.. and one time he saved me from catching on fire and so on..and when we were in high school my mama would go out of town on business trips so he would stay the night because he didnt want me staying by myself... but he met this girl when we got to college. and she was jealous of any story we told from when we were kids.. cause she wasnt in it.. she was jealous because she didnt want him to protect any other girl but her... so me and my cousin only talk maybe 5 minutes on christmas now. and of course she has to be standing right next to him.... they're engaged and he's planning on being with her.. but i love my cousin and im proud of him for being happy so if being with her makes him happy then I let him be.. thats all you can do.. suck it up and hope for the best...

[DavidDeAnge]

Almost the same story only with differences, but she was the only one in school protecting me,We would call each other almost everyday of all friends I have had she was the special one, but I guess life goes on.

Actually i brought up happy memories and I think they have a big part of the jealousy because they only involve me and her, but I think I will have to face it-she loves me and I love her but its causing problems best thing is to take a break.

Only problem this time is the depression memories about my sister came back this year I dont know why but everything just went right down.

First day I talked to her after the long silence of 7years we actually shared a nightmare together that night, what we didn't know was that these nightmares turned out to be a series-again the one supporting me was her, after all she have said everything to him but it seems like the only option he is providing us is to end communications and me and she do not want that to happen.

At the same time she loves him so the two whose lost here is us two - I don't know if I should just let her go or do something different and to wait on her desicion is taking forever. Should I just forget that special connection we had and move on and come back later, because to forget it all will never happen and nothing will change that.

Edit: Forgot to say that when we first started chatting back in October we asked everything and guess what the bf/gf discussion was there I said I had a gf but when aksing her I dont know it must have been the badest lie ever I knew it in my brain but my heart said trust your cousin. Thats only one thing that bothered me but that is not the worst key figure as you can see.

[MerryH]

It's hard to follow your posts, but from over here it sounds like you were using your cousin to somehow make you feel better about the loss of your sister. Like, replacing your sister with her? Or taking all your screwed up feelings and foisting them on her? Anyway, I'm guessing you were clingy and weird with your cousin, based on how you've talked about her here. You went from not speaking to her for seven years to being overly dependent on her. Now you're causing problems in her life and she doesn't want to talk to you anymore. You should back off.

[DavidDeAnge]

Thats what I want but all these years the person I missed the most was her, she played a big role in my life and for that I don't know how to thank her. This may be the thing to get of the guiltinees as you said I should probably leave her alone a period.

There is one thing that bothers me she invited me to spend the holiday at her house and as you all know the flights wasn't the best so it turned out with me not traveling. How would he take that she invited me because she just said come visit me in 2012/2013 before that she doesn't know if she is ready.

After all seeing what HE want I should back off a bit otherwise he will break up and I would be left with causing a broken heart to my best childhood friend

I forgot to say that in 2006 I moved away from the city I was born in and pretty much started a new life erased every memory, that city had many memories - good and BAD. Now this was going great until 2010 started the year pretty bad had problems in school.

At the summer I saw a big part of my cousins I really never had seen, one day I were looking at photos and righ when I was turning my back on it I realized who it was. I thought of how I could betrayal her not calling since late 2003, when I erased a part of my life I did something wrong: I erased a part of life when she meant the most.

The winter turned out to bring back memories and with my memories comes extreme depression as I said many memories was about me: my dead sister, 3yrs of depression, bad moments, social life and last thing that came to mind was my cousin memory I don't have her near me but she still helped me via fb.

I just realized today that everything was exaggeration between us, I mean I still love her but she could have hinted on something that she had cooking so I could be more friendstyle inboxer.

[MerryH]

I mean I still love her but she could have hinted on something that she had cooking so I could be more friendstyle inboxer.

Okay, look, that right there. The only reason I understand what you mean by "friendstyle inboxer" is because you said it more clearly in a different post:

she didn't tell me she had a boyfriend, that way I could have formulated every msg so it doesn't lead to misunderstandings.

So if you knew she had a boyfriend, you would have modified the way you interacted with her. This is confirmation that you weren't being completely "friendly" and cousin-like. You were creeping on her, hombre. And you're still doing it now, here. You're talking about her like she was a girlfriend that just broke up with you. You said you have a girlfriend of your own, right? Focus on her.

Or, shit, break up with your girlfriend because you've got some weird sister/cousin stuff going on and you shouldn't make her put up with that.

[DavidDeAnge]

Okay, look, that right there. The only reason I understand what you mean by "friendstyle inboxer" is because you said it more clearly in a different post:



So if you knew she had a boyfriend, you would have modified the way you interacted with her. This is confirmation that you weren't being completely "friendly" and cousin-like. You were creeping on her, hombre. And you're still doing it now, here. You're talking about her like she was a girlfriend that just broke up with you. You said you have a girlfriend of your own, right? Focus on her.

Or, shit, break up with your girlfriend because you've got some weird sister/cousin stuff going on and you shouldn't make her put up with that.

Well of course I would not have written I love her, bring up old memories, praise her for what she have done and much more. I would have been a plain normal cousin, but she knows we're more close than just cousins therefore I don't see what I did wrong how would I know she had a boyfriend if she didn't at least hint it.

She even said to her best friend to tell me veverything before I would talk with her, seems to me like her boyfriend is strict and she didn't want him to read about himself.
Makes sense from my point of view

[MerryH]

You're still being creepy about your cousin.

Step away.

[DavidDeAnge]

Well I know it might sound creepy, but I tried to forget her from th 19th to 24th but on the 25th she calls me from nowhere thats the thing that disturbs me - does she want me in life during this period or not because first she talks and everything then she suddenly end everything and then comes back at Christmas and now again dissapears.

I don't know what to bealive anymore.

Well anyways the thing that makes her happy is the thing that I care more about after all she did to me I can't pay her back I can only be thankful and wish her luck, but to end our long lasted friendship we built up 7 years ago is to really push the line from his side.

[sookie6]

You're probably still very young to have experienced it but some very strong friendhsips and bonds come to an end at some point..;either naturally or also because everyone needs following their own path.

So whatever your feelings for yout cousin...her feelings for her bgfriend/partner will take precedence. her bfriend is her future, you belong to her past.

I have experienced this with both my sisters when they met their now partner they drastically changed as if to be able to start this new stage of their lives they had to close the door on their childhood...I even remember my eldest sister's bfriend being insecure about her spending a couple of hours with me sharing music tracks on the interent once when they were visiting...and that shocked me so I don't even get to have one to one afternoons or evenings with my sisters...my younger sister's bfriend is not so bad but she is...

I have accepted this as a fact of life..;and I don't think I harbour any resentment. It is something that we don't really think about or realise when it happens but there is a time in our lives when some people/memories keep up from progressing..

You have got your own life now...ahead of you with plenty of people to meet, great friendships and loves to experience...don't spoil it with a sinister dwelling on past issues..

As to whether you have pushed the line with your cousin on Facebook, we would need to read the messages to understand why the boyfriend freaked out..

But is it not better to concentrate on your life rather then theirs...

[DavidDeAnge]

You're probably still very young to have experienced it but some very strong friendhsips and bonds come to an end at some point..;either naturally or also because everyone needs following their own path.

So whatever your feelings for yout cousin...her feelings for her bgfriend/partner will take precedence. her bfriend is her future, you belong to her past.

I have experienced this with both my sisters when they met their now partner they drastically changed as if to be able to start this new stage of their lives they had to close the door on their childhood...I even remember my eldest sister's bfriend being insecure about her spending a couple of hours with me sharing music tracks on the interent once when they were visiting...and that shocked me so I don't even get to have one to one afternoons or evenings with my sisters...my younger sister's bfriend is not so bad but she is...

I have accepted this as a fact of life..;and I don't think I harbour any resentment. It is something that we don't really think about or realise when it happens but there is a time in our lives when some people/memories keep up from progressing..

You have got your own life now...ahead of you with plenty of people to meet, great friendships and loves to experience...don't spoil it with a sinister dwelling on past issues..

As to whether you have pushed the line with your cousin on Facebook, we would need to read the messages to understand why the boyfriend freaked out..

But is it not better to concentrate on your life rather then theirs...

I have ended many friendships over these past 3 years with my childhood friend. Girl born 3 weeks before me, we have been friends since we were little babies but in 2006 when I moved away was the most difficult decision I had ever made to leave her was to leave a bit of myself after 14 years of friendship we had together - kindergarden, school, at home we were best friend - but I leaved her and that is my past so I know I can do the same now, only question is: Was this friendship bigger than with my childhood friend because I seem to have problems putting it to rest?

I guess I was maybe to hard on my cousin after all, but she didn't push away my thoughts and she answered them instead until I got to know that her boyfriend had watched everything and was really pissed. Now I can't put any message here but I can explain our first chat after 7 years.

Starts with a wall post with a long pronunciation of my name like DAVIIIDDDD!!!! <3 After that the chat begins with plain cousin chat breaks the wall comes to the point where our special connection's feelings comes to place. I tell her about the trip to my cousins and about the picture, she accepts the apology of not talking with her in a long time. ¨
She asks about the university-discussion because this year is my last in high school(Sweden) she recommends some Canadian universities.
After that day I don't know, everything started with she helping me with feelings about my dead sister because her birthday is in early December, the support maybe crossed the line for some one(bf) who haven't experienced the things we had 10 years ago.

This is only one part - modified to erase personal things - of a letter I can share on here written by me in November:

You don't know how greatful I am for having you especially as my cousin I'll always remember these days as the BEST/WORST days ever - Your and "sister name" support really shined and proved once again that you are the best and ultimate cousin('s) there is and always will be.
The bad part was my psychological mind problems but with your support I handled it better each and everyday that past away thanks to you.

I don't know if I can count you as a cousin, because you're sooo much more than a cousin to me and as I said earlier - you're kind of a rare special person the friendship I have with you is as strong as my brothers and come on how many "her name" do we(I) have? Only one so I DO NOT want you to be unhappy makes me feel like I'm an ***hole :/]

Now I don't know what her bf's thoughts was on that but I know her thoughts, but I think I will let our friendship rest until the summer when I will see her, maybe then I'll get to meet her boyfriend and have a chit chat with him about our past.
I'll let her go and I have already done that partly but I don't want it to end a painful death, better to have the one that she will share her life with to know about her past and how she helped me to reach my goal of getting good from depression before I was going to get to the teenage years.

Biggest support came from her and my parents of course but I didn't want to end the special connection without getting out with a BANG and before the connections will rest on the shelf I have to get him to understand which person that is standing infront of him.