The "Just Not Into You" Rules Debate

[vertical_sky]

It's been a slow day on the job, so I thought I'd spice things up by introducing a topic that is CONSTANTLY debated among me and my friends (both female and male).... the "He's Just Not That Into You" rules.

My girlfriends swear by these rules. They attribute my lack of a boyfriend to my inability/refusal to follow them.However, most of my male friends HATE these rules. These rules, from their perspective, are "mind games" that place the man in a position where he HAS to acquiesce to the woman's demands or risk being dumped no matter the circumstances. Ironically, my male friends say if I DO follow these rules, I'll be single forever, because guys will see me as manipulative and "playing games."

So! What do you think of the rules, and should women play by them?


1. He’s not that into you if he doesn’t make the first move.
2. He’s not that into you if he doesn’t answer your online ad.
3. He’s not that into you if he doesn’t call you or text you or e-mail you for a date.
4. He’s not that into you if he doesn’t ask you out by Wednesday for Saturday night.
5. He’s not that into you if he only wants to see you during the week.
6. He’s not that into you if he ends the date first.
7. He’s not that into you if he asks you to split the check.
8. He’s not that into you if he expects you to meet him half way or travel to him in a long-distance relationship.
9. He’s not that into you if he cancels a date more than once.
10. He’s not that into you if he doesn’t ask you to be exclusive after sex and/or a couple of months.
11. He’s not that into you if he hits on your girlfriend.
12. He’s not that into you if he forgets your birthday.
13. He’s not that into you if he doesn’t give you a romantic gift for Valentine’s Day.
14. He’s not that into you if he skips a week.
15. He’s not that into you if he doesn’t want to meet your parents and friends.
16. He’s not that into you if he doesn’t want to spend New Year’s eve with you.
17. He’s not that into you if he doesn’t take you to his office holiday party.
18. He’s not that into you if he doesn’t write “love” on cards or hold your hand at the movies.
19. He’s not that into you if he breaks up with you.
20. He’s not that into you if he talks about his ex.
21. He’s not that into you if he doesn’t want to have sex.
22. He’s not that into you if he doesn’t propose.
23. He’s not that into you if he proposes but won’t set a wedding date.
24. He’s not that into you if he wants to vacation separately or spend a lot of time apart.
25. He’s not that into you if he’s married to someone else!

[Take2]

Which if these rules bothers your male friends?

I mean, I hate mind games, but I think it is fair to say a guy isn't that into me if he is married to someone else. Are their guys who think that a woman who refuses to date married men is playing mind games? Most of these things wouldn't be a dealbreaker all alone, but each is certainly a warning sign to be alert for other signs and any set of three of these things would probably be a pretty sure sign that a guy doesn't see you as a high priority in his life.

[Sonrisa]

ughm, i don't get the whole into you deal

[vertical_sky]

Which if these rules bothers your male friends?

Some of them are rather "well no duh" like if he's freaking married, he's not into you. But the ones that bother my male friends are ones that demand they constantly be the aggressor... HE has to make the first move, he has to ask you out Wednesday for a Saturday date, if he cancels a date more than once (over, what, a two month period? Five month period?) My guy friends argue that men are just as nervous and scared of rejection as women, and can have as many complex reasons for doing things as women... So why do men get held to such a higher standard? If we answer," Because that's just how men are," that's a pretty sexist attitude.... Attributing gender stereotypes to individual guys, with their own personalities and rationale.

For my part, I feel like following "the rules" is like playing Russian Roulette. Let's say you follow the "He's Just Not That Into You" system.... and you meet a guy who is attempting to protect himself from rejection by following "The System," which is a set of rules for GUYS about playing hard to get. Then it becomes a huge game of dating chicken and trying to have control (the person who cares more has less control, and thus loses.)

[Sonrisa]

most males are not MEN nowadays. having a penis does not qualify one to be a MAN. they are still boys. some of them will never get an opportunity to grow up. and I would blame their parents for it. boys are being raised the same as girls nowadays. its really unfortunate and is the reason why i'd never date an american. i am glad that europeans still raise their boys to different standards and excel in social life.

[vertical_sky]

Hmm, perhaps, but what does being boys/men have to do with it?

[Sonrisa]

ok, let's say MEN or gentlemen whatever you wanna call them, know how talk, woo, compliment, respect and know how and when to make contact. boys expect the women to do all the work.

[Take2]

Some of them are rather "well no duh" like if he's freaking married, he's not into you. But the ones that bother my male friends are ones that demand they constantly be the aggressor... HE has to make the first move, he has to ask you out Wednesday for a Saturday date, if he cancels a date more than once (over, what, a two month period? Five month period?) My guy friends argue that men are just as nervous and scared of rejection as women, and can have as many complex reasons for doing things as women... So why do men get held to such a higher standard? If we answer," Because that's just how men are," that's a pretty sexist attitude.... Attributing gender stereotypes to individual guys, with their own personalities and rationale.

For my part, I feel like following "the rules" is like playing Russian Roulette. Let's say you follow the "He's Just Not That Into You" system.... and you meet a guy who is attempting to protect himself from rejection by following "The System," which is a set of rules for GUYS about playing hard to get. Then it becomes a huge game of dating chicken and trying to have control (the person who cares more has less control, and thus loses.)

Yeah, I think following any set of "rules" is dumb. But yeah, if a guy constantly calls you on Friday morning to set up a date...he is holding out for a better offer! If a guy frequently cancels dates with you...you are not a high priority for him!

However, a pretty reasonable solution here is to actually get to know a guy. I mean, if his grandmother dies and he cancels a date and then 2 weeks later he cancels because his sister is in a skiing accident, of course you can't judge him not interested in you based on that. But if you know the guy, you know his grandma was sick and his sister was on a ski vacation beforehand. People with common sense don't NEED rules like this, because if they want a serious relationship they work to bild one and they can tell if the guy isn't on the same page and they talk about him and end it if they can't get on the same page. No list of 25 rules is going to work in every situation, you really need a more flexible and intelligent way of thinking.

[Sonrisa]

^^^^bullshit. if the guy holds you dear to him, you'd be the one he calls when his grandma dies.

[Lipp]

Moral of the story - chicks will always find something to get hung up about.

[Sonrisa]

^^^ it is true that many females don't act ladylike, thus the treatment that they get.

[tehwarlock]

Actually, I've read there's a little boy in every grown man. What's your opinion on that?
In my opinion as a guy, not everyone thinks the same, so you can't keep a set of rules and expect to be accurate.

[Sonrisa]

well of course, but it's one thing having a little boy inside, but still exhibit dating manners and etiquette. some are just clueless.

[Lipp]

I meant that regardless of what a guy does some of these secret "rules" will be broken and bitched about in a girlfriend clique.

"Oh my god, he hasn't called in two days/said Im beautiful in my dress/bought me flowers/write love at the end of cards/e.t.c, which means that he's not into me and I should just dump him already!"

Glargh.

[Sonrisa]

^^^ oh come on, now you're exaggerating.
hasn't called in 2 days - that's an issue
everything else is bull and if a girl does say that than she has issues. i don't think i ever had those problems.