in deep

[doc]

My life has been a bit rocky the past three years (a divorce from a cheating wife, death in the family) and Ive made it worse. I need some guidance.

Before my father passed away (1 year ago), I returned home to visit him as he had become very ill very fast and we all feared the worse. It was all very upsetting and I still dont feel that I am over it. While I was home I met a woman. She was very pretty, confident, and a free spirit. She was a few years my senior(6.5 yrs), but I didnt care. She was (and is) beautiful, sexy and full of life. She was in a relationship that was failing and enjoyed the company of my family. We began to see each other every now and again. Over the next week my fathers health deteriorated and he eventually died

A few days later we reconnected and we began sleeping with each other. Shortly thereafter (one week) I was forced to return to my work which is over 1000 miles away from home, my family, and the girl I met. We planned to keep in touch, but I wasnt expecting it to be a full on long distance relationship (and I dont think she thought so either....she was making plans to go overseas for an extended period of time).

We talked on the phone every so often and flirted more and more. About three weeks after my return we discover that she is pregnant. Obviously this was a shock and my head began to spin since I live so far away and my future is quite uncertain at the moment. She was upset about it too because the completely turned her care free, free-spirited life upside down. She asked that I come up with some options that I would be interested in. It took me some time but I presented two options 1) we consider adoption 2)we raise the child together. I didnt really make it clear on wht together meant, but it was understood that we were in this together.

Since that time I tried to be apart of the pregnancy as best as I could but It was never enough. She was not willing or able to come live with me. I could understand this since she has a very nice and comfortable home that is more amenable for a pregnant woman. However, for a time period she worked in a different state which helped with the medical bills and helped earn some money for her housing bills (she is reserve military). My work is incredibly time intensive and, since I am low on the totem pole, not very lucrative at the moment. We were able to visit on a couple of occasions. However, because of this, stress from my family (is the baby yours??), and boiling resentment from the girl, our relationship began to sour. We pushed through it and I did what I could to stand by her

My beautiful healthy son was gloriously born and I rushed back home to see him. I was able to be apart of the birth on speaker phone at the airport while my sister helped my girlfriend with delivery. I arrived a couple of hours too late. My work permitted me to stay at home for 3 weeks which I did. Since then she has visited me once and stayed for a month. I took the opportunity to take more responsibility for my sons care by sleeping in his room so as to not wake my girlfriend (she is such a light sleeper that I cannot even sleep in the same room with her because of snoring). I basically took care of his throughout the night and went to wrk the next day. It didn't suck too terribly bad. I was tired alot but I saw it as an opportunity to bond with my son.

Throughout this period however, we have begun to banter back and forth. I try to pacify as much as I can so that we are not fighting so much around our son. We are vastly vastly different people. I dont mean different in that we compliment each other. We are the archetype of the two completely different people. We try to see eye to eye as much as we can, but it seems to me that there comes a point where one person needs to succumb to the other persons personality. Since I am the younger, less aggressive, and easygoing person....it turns out to be me. She has been overheard saying things "that someone who is sopposed to love you shouldnt say" I dont know exactly what that might be, but I dont doubt it. Her hormonal tirades have been harsh lately (for obvious reasons). This got my mom so worked up that she was convinced that I was being verbally abused by her.

While on new years vacation with my family, she and I started to bicker. I had stayed up late with my brother and she calmly came out to tell us to keep it down as she was trying to sleep. We were quiet to the point of ridicule, wispering to each other like children. This apparently kept her up for hours and I paid for this for days. She began to manipulate me with using our son. At one point she was holding our son and I leaned over to kiss his forehead and she pulled away. At another point we were on the brink of ending our relationship and she leans over to our 4 month old son and tells him that "We gotta find you a new daddy!"

She later tells me that she had begun her period. After this, things began to smooth over and we are on good terms again but I am worried about all that happened. I am back at my work and we skype every day. I am still doing what I can to participate in my sons life. I buy toys and anything else that I can afford to help him or my girlfriend out. (pampers, lactation medicine, health insurance of the baby). We are planning on flying her up here for a 2 week visit in feb.

I love my son with every bit of my being. But I dont see how this relationship with "baby momma" is going to work. We are very very different animals. We live in different parts of the country. I frankly dont like how she treats me sometimes. I feel her resentment and feel guilty of stifling out her free-spiritedness. I want her to be happy for our sons sake and for her own but I dont feel that I could possibly make her happy.

My personal life has gone from bad to worse and the only really really good thing is my son and I am so grateful that he is healthy and so amazing. I dont know what to do anymore. Any thoughts will be appreciated.

Thank you

[Aniphilia]

How about some counseling? Do NOT procrastinate this, that is if she agrees to it. Or you could seek some yourself. There is the belief that changing yoursef can open doors for you and for others. There is also the belief: "Be the change you want to see in the world." While this is all wise, I know you cant control her nor do you want to. Remember you fell for her for her free spirit and confidence. Do what you can to nurture that. Being a new mom is hard for many a mother. Im not saying its not for a father. I understand what you say about being two completly different people. Have you considered moving there so that you two can share the upbringing of your son? I dont see that there is much option to stay where you are right now. His life is there and although he is very young you just have to go with that. He will be voicing his own opinions with words very soon and hes going to want you near. Start looking for another job in the area where she lives. Communicate all your ideas to her and follow through as much as possible. If ever you two part, you will have formed a foundation for you and your son and her for that matter. She is raising him. You have to seriously consider leaving your job for another. Sacrafice sacrifice sacrifice. And with love.

I hope this helps, I only say this with kindness.