Closure?

[luckyyou]

How important is closure? I will share my story and hopefully get some insight..before reading I must start by telling you that this break-up happened a year and a half ago. Yep, you read that right.....

First a little about my relationship history.....I stick with the safe guy....noting extrordinary or exciting...just average. I have a history of staying away from anyone I feel to strongly about because I like to be the one in control...in other words all my guys are CRAZY about me but I just feel luke warm about them. Don't get me wrong, I love them....in my own way....I just don't have as much at stake as they do. I know, it sounds horrible but I can't help it, it's just me. I honestly didn't believe in for real, head over heals, movie type LOVE.

A few years ago I bumped in to an old guy friend from High School. I remember thinking him as a very sweet guy but not boyfriend material (in high school lol.) We became fast friends....emailing, texting and talking everyday. We had so much in common and instantly I was totally at ease with him. I knew right away that this experience would change my life forever...that's how much of an impact he had on me. It was like finally seeing in color when all I ever knew was black and white. We started hanging out a lot, staying up all night talking, watching movies or listening to music....it eventually became a friends with benifits type of situation. I stayed away from meeting his kids for a long time because I didn't want to get attached to them. I love kids, so when they were at his house I would only come over after they were already sleeping. One night his daugter woke up and came down stairs, I was hooked lol. I became extremely close to them in a very short amount of time....HUGE mistake, I know. Things seemed to be going well, we were very cautious but moving steadily. A few months later he asked if I wanted to meet his parents.....everything seemed perfect.

About 2 weeks after I met his parents something went horribly wrong. We made a plan to see the new Harry Potter movie that was about to come out but first we wanted to watch all the others. So we made plans to have a little movie marathon. We watched the first three in one night and then had plans to watch the other two a few days later. That day he texted me at around 1:00 "Ready for our Harry Potter marathon?" He was supposed to come over around 8:00...at 9:00 I got a text that said he was not coming. I asked why and he replied that he was at the bar with his friends and he just didnt feel like it. I told him that I thought that was kind of rude since we already had plans. He responded and said please don't make him feel guilty, he just didn't know what he wanted. This was way out of left field since he had never once gave an indication that he was unsure about us. I asked him what he was talking about but he never answered. I tried emailing him asking for an explination but have not heard from him since. Sadly I broke the no contact rule a few times but only for answers.

So my dilema.....I don't want him back, I am 100% sure that if he came knocking at my door today wanting to get back together I would have none of it. I will NEVER be hurt like that again. I do want answers though, I feel like I can't close that chapter in my life without them. My thoughts are never far from him and he still shows up in most of my dreams. I don't imagine us getting back together but of telling him how much he hurt me. I feel like it is so important for him to tell me what happened that i obsess about it. At least have the humanity to respond, even if it is to say "stop contacting me" or "f***-off psycho." I would rather have that than nothing (to clarify...it has been well over a year since I last emailed him, I know now he will never respond.) I just can't figure out how someone could one day be like "Go ahead, fall in love with my children." "Come meet my parents." and then the next "Have a great life, maybe I'll see ya around." It just doesn't make sense.
So......again, is closure that important? Why can't I just let it go?

[Take2]

Wow, I can see how that would be extremely painful. I am now curious a to why he went all 180 on you one afternoon, and I don't even know either of you. And yes, as humans we crave order and understanding. We need a clear ending more than we need a happy ending; closure, a reason, a final conversation to end the story of a relationship, a bow on the package, a fade to black. It is painful to be left even when there is closure, but the sudden precipice your relationship fell off of leaves you up in the air and seeking answers.

Sadly, while a decent guy would understand and give you that, your guy did not. And clearly will not. Can you write a letter, even if you can't mail it? SOmetimes a handwritten letter feels more like real closure than an e-mail. Or try therapy, a therapist may be able to help you feel closure or accept that there won't be any.

My best guess is something in his life came out of left field unrelated to you. Like an ex-girlfriend showed up holding a baby who looked just like him, or he was activated as a sleeper agent for some covert operation. I mean, it would have to be something completely random to go from settled coupledom to total strangers in the course of 7 hours one day.

[luckyyou]

Wow, I can see how that would be extremely painful. I am now curious a to why he went all 180 on you one afternoon, and I don't even know either of you. And yes, as humans we crave order and understanding. We need a clear ending more than we need a happy ending; closure, a reason, a final conversation to end the story of a relationship, a bow on the package, a fade to black. It is painful to be left even when there is closure, but the sudden precipice your relationship fell off of leaves you up in the air and seeking answers.

Sadly, while a decent guy would understand and give you that, your guy did not. And clearly will not. Can you write a letter, even if you can't mail it? SOmetimes a handwritten letter feels more like real closure than an e-mail. Or try therapy, a therapist may be able to help you feel closure or accept that there won't be any.

My best guess is something in his life came out of left field unrelated to you. Like an ex-girlfriend showed up holding a baby who looked just like him, or he was activated as a sleeper agent for some covert operation. I mean, it would have to be something completely random to go from settled coupledom to total strangers in the course of 7 hours one day.

Right, so I'm not wrong or silly for wanting that type of closure? I have tried writing letters that I know I will never send, this helps for awhile but eventually the feelings, thoughts, and hurt make their way back. I have been thinking of going to see someone about it but tend to be leery of doctors in general. It will probably get to that point but I would rather him just appear with answers LOL!

[ashley89]

I think closure is important. My ex pulled the "I'm falling out of love" card on me out of NOWHERE one night, then ignored me for days until I convinced him he needed to talk to me about WTF was going on. He finally agreed to do so, then gave me false hope thinking it'd work out, but it ended a few days later. I had to actually call him to confirm that the relationship was in fact over, since he wouldn't give me the closure I needed. Break ups suck regardless, but no closure leaves you with a bunch of unanswered questions, it sucks

[Take2]

Feelings aren't wrong or silly. It would be silly to expect to get an answer by e-mail from him today, but you clearly realize that isn't going to happen. I think anyone would be crushed by that sudden and unexplained ending, and it is human nature to want closure and understanding. Heck, even animals crave understanding. That's why you can train a dog or a horse, they want to understand how to avoid punishment or gain praise/treats. Completely understandable and natural.

[vashti]

I think a lot of people believe getting "closure" will make them feel better about the end of a relationship, but it doesn't. All it will do is give you a new set of questions to obsess over, especially if you don't care for his answers about WHY he decided to end it. The bottom line is that he just wasn't feeling it for you.

It's been a long time since you've had any contact, and yes, by now, you should have been moving on. I don't think getting some professional help would be a bad idea.

[twinrexes]

There's a popular love guru out there who calls his type "the disappearing man". (That is, assuming he didn't just get recruited into an undercover op like the other poster said!)

Since he has kids, I assume he has an ex wife/lover. And I'll bet she'd tell you he was incapable of real commitment or closeness. Sounds like he really tried with you, and it was easy at first because it was just friends then friends with no strings. At some point it hit him that he was about to introduce you to his parents, and "poof". Gone.

The woman who cuts my hair had a guy who did this to her but would reappear from time to time and she'd take him back unitl his next unannounced disappearance. Finally she had enough and ended it for good. Turns out he used to do the same thing to his ex wife. Sure he'd been married, had kids, but he'd shut everyone out emotionally and would "disappear" in the sense that he was present in body only.

So if it helps at all to give you closure, there's probably nothing about you or what you said or did that triggered this. And nothing you could do to change it. And probably nothing that "happened" at the time other than it really hit him one day that he couldn't follow through with you.