What should I do????

[ll79]

So...my partner and I in 6 years together have only been away from eachother less than a handful of times, and I mean that quite litterally...we don't go anywhere alone, and me not having my license (which I'm working on now) has been part of it. He has a full time job, but has also taken a job part time bartending at the restaurant that I work at. I don't do anything without him. So recently I've been given the opportunity to travel without him, my parents own a home in Florida (I'm in Canada) and they've offered to send me a plane ticket so that I can visit them for my birthday. Now my question is this : Should I go and possibly tick my partner off by even mentioning that they bought me a ticket...or should I avoid the fight (which will come, seeing as he is a home body and doesn't believe in doing a whole lot more than watching tv) and tell my parents that I cannot except their gift to me????
Any advice is welcome!

[MerryH]

So you're not allowed to do anything without him? He controls your life? If so, then yes, you should go. And when you come back, don't come back to him.

[ll79]

He gets very out of sorts when I mention doing things without him. We've recently had a LONG conversation about this and he met me social, and it's pretty much dropped off since we've been together. Even when I mention US doing something together, he gets in a "mood" because he just wants to stay at home. Now, don't get me wrong, he is a good attentive husband, but a little too much so sometimes. Considering we're married and have 2 children, it would be hard to just up and leave. But do you think my going away would give him a shove he needs to maybe take responsibility for his "antisocialness" I don't know how else to put it Thanks for the advice MerryH!

[nymphomaniac]

What is the worst thing that could happen if you do what you want for your birthday?
What have your birthdays been like with your husband in previous years?
What is the likely outcome of you going/staying?

Personally, i think he is stuck in his rut and he doesn't want to be there alone. Don't let him drag you down.
Ask him, if he could do anything and he knew he could not fail, what would he do? What are his personal dreams? Maybe he has forgotten in the tv daze. Wake him up, lift him up and then do whatever the hell you want for your birthday.

[qwertz]

Having your own time/hobbies/interests is good in a relationship. You should go and have a nice time...i would suggest him going with you but since he seems a little controlling it will probably do you both some good to go alone.

[ll79]

Thanks for the responses! Nympho....the worst that could happen is that I have a great time with my parents while enjoying some "ME" time. Previous birthdays....well, I get gifts, but never has he planned a party or anything (for my 30th we were in Florida together) so it's nothing exciting and I've done parties for him...outcome of me going is having him P'od at me and thinking I'm doing it to hurt him....and with me staying..well, I do think I'd hold onto resentment towards him..because it's like he doesn't want me to have a life other than him...I've told him that I can't be his social crutch...so maybe I should be proving it?
He is in a tv daze...and I've tried to "wake him up" by telling him not to long ago that it was over...but he came to me and promised that things would get better.....He doesn't have any hobbies...he goes to work, comes home, sits on the couch and only gets up when I tell him that we have running to do....he doesn't want a life, and I don't know if I can continue to make one for him....it's exhausting...cause even when I do try and plan something...he is never really interested in it....
Thanks qwertz...hopefully I answered your questions too!

[nymphomaniac]

He sounds very passive aggressive and avoidant.

He needs motivation to see the fun in life again.
Life is not something you can give to someone, they have to become aware of it themselves. Rather than pushing him, maybe remind him (in a subtle way of course).

The man you fell in love with wasn't this way. What was he like?
What enjoyment did he get out of life before you got together?

[SelflessnHumble]

Please don't tell me you were born in 79?

Let me see if I have this right:
You and your partner have been together and joined at the hip because (out of all things)
you don't have a license...You have allowed yourselves to become codependent on one another
and recently your family has given you the opportunity to get off your butt, and do something that doesn't involve HIM,
and because of this: you are actually at an impasse as to what to do because you think your boyfriend is going to get mad that you're leaving without him?

It sounds like you are willing to sacrifice your life for one man: so the answer is clear: refuse the ticket and make him happy since
he too sacrifices his life for you.

What should you do? Wake up: and see that there is this beautiful world outside your front door and that
you should take ANY opportunity given to broaden your horizons.

This thread is so painful to read. So Sad.

[sookie6]

I can't believe you've allowed someone to keep you apart from your family...a family is something we should all be grateful for especially if both your parents are alive and loving enough to pay for a ticket for you to visit...

They won't alway be around you know....

Not often shocked on here but I'm speechless now.

[SelflessnHumble]

He gets very out of sorts when I mention doing things without him. We've recently had a LONG conversation about this and he met me social, and it's pretty much dropped off since we've been together. Even when I mention US doing something together, he gets in a "mood" because he just wants to stay at home. Now, don't get me wrong, he is a good attentive husband, but a little too much so sometimes. Considering we're married and have 2 children, it would be hard to just up and leave. But do you think my going away would give him a shove he needs to maybe take responsibility for his "antisocialness" I don't know how else to put it Thanks for the advice MerryH!

Now you mention you're married with 2 children? Wow.
If you are married: he too should have been invited since you two are ONE couple bonded in marriage.

I could see how he wouldn't appreciate being left out: BUT if he cannot make it: it should be up to him: not your parents even though it's their house.
The right thing to do is to invite him.

Understand this: YOU aren't enough to send this man a message he needs to grow up.
Your CHILDREN aren't enough to give this man the wake up call he should have had years ago...

The fact you have chosen this man: and that you knew who he was: doesn't get you off the hook here.
So you need to take responsibility the same way that he needs to since you made the mistake of marrying a man who is anything but a man.

If this were me? I'd throw the TV out the window and tell him to wake up: because 2 very important children are growing up without their father being emotionally available.
Those 2 children will become the product of your horrible environment that the both of you have created for them.

Time to step up: or do nothing: but with inaction comes the inevitable: you have no right to complain with what happens to their well being in the future due to your choices
an innocent child cannot make.

[SelflessnHumble]

What is the worst thing that could happen if you do what you want for your birthday?
What have your birthdays been like with your husband in previous years?
What is the likely outcome of you going/staying?

Personally, i think he is stuck in his rut and he doesn't want to be there alone. Don't let him drag you down.
Ask him, if he could do anything and he knew he could not fail, what would he do? What are his personal dreams? Maybe he has forgotten in the tv daze. Wake him up, lift him up and then do whatever the hell you want for your birthday.

So it's all his fault, right?

[nymphomaniac]

So it's all his fault, right?

No. But he is not the one asking the question.

[ll79]

He has motivation when it is something that HE wants, and as for pushing him..I've had to, almost out the door and that didn't seem to work either. The man I fell in love with enjoyed life and I've tried to bring those things back into our life..but why should I be the one doing all the trying?

Yes, Selflessnhumble, I was born is 79 Is there some issue with that? We have enabled each other to become co-dependant and it's my fault AS MUCH as his..and I have taken the opportunity to "get off my butt" and do things without him, but when it turns into an argument each time it is even mentioned that I want to do something, is it worth it? No, sometimes it isn't. I am venting because maybe I am in the midst of making a decision. Yes, we have two children whom he doesn't do anything with, so does that help? Nope, and I didn't need that answer..I was an independent woman when we met, and that is who he fell in love with and I still try to be that person, but some days it's just not worth the stress and anger. What might I ask you Selflessnhumble does it sound like he's sacrificing anything on my behalf? He doesn't do anything....even when I tell him to call friends and get out once in a while.....he doesn't and just stays at home...and I've thrown ALL of this at him...and offered (and shown him) help...what else am I suppose to do....and you've all given me your opinions on that!

So Selflessnhumble, because we are married that means we share one body, one brain and one soul? That's what it sounds like you are saying. Please clarify for me. As for it being his decision to go and visit them also in a sense it's not, considering it was a gift to me for my birthday, and who's to say they wouldn't have sent one to him for his birthday? You don't know that and neither do I.
I am certainly not trying to get myself off the hook here, and I am trying to consider his feelings, but he hasn't considered mine. I like to get out and do things, and does he consider that maybe I need ME time, not by the looks of things when he's pouting and stomping around the house because I've told him that I am going out with a girlfriend for the evening. He knows I'll be here to make his meals and do his laundry, take out the garbage..get kids homework done, do dishes...mop floors...should I go on..and yes, I'm bringing this up because he once told me "all you have to do is ask and I'll help" to which my reply was "you're 38 years old, I shouldn't HAVE to ask"

I don't believe I've only wrote this concerning the travel ticket, but I've also wrote it because I am not sure whether or not I should continue in this marriage. And my children are a huge part of making this decision. I've always said if I had to chose, my kids would win, hands down. And I've tried the continuous loop of telling him that those kids need a father and at the time he agrees, but what do I do to keep that consistent? I can't force him.

Selflessnhumble quote:
Time to step up: or do nothing: but with inaction comes the inevitable: you have no right to complain with what happens to their well being in the future due to your choices an innocent child cannot make.

You are right in saying this and I do appreciate it. Thank you.

[MerryH]

Tell him that he can get off his ass and participate in a social life with you, or you'll just do it alone. If you've tried to include him repeatedly and he never goes then he has no leg to stand on when he starts moping like a child. Ignore his tantrums.

I doubt anything will make him change at this point, but you can try telling him this before you go on that trip. Tell him that when you get back you're going to start going out more and he's free to join you and that he's got a week (or however long the trip is) to pych himself up for it. If he still won't, you're going without him. Don't go back on that promise.

[ll79]

See...that's what I needed to hear...just that I was solidified in my feelings...he's emotionally and socially lazy and maybe ANOTHER kick is what he needs. This is his "what if" chance and I've told him that. If it doesn't work this time, then I will NOT spend my life saying "what if"
Thank you so much!