Lost and hurt; need advice badly

[Bambina]

I got married at a very young age to the man of my dreams after knowing him for about a year. He treats me like a princess and tells me everyday how much he loves me.
I'm very submissive in this relationship and let him call the shots, just like he wants it. He is a very dominant and controlling guy. During these nearly 4 years of marriage he has cheated on me 3 times that I know of. The first 2 times I did forgive him, even though it hurt like hell. The 3rd time happened quite recently and I just don't know what to do anymore.
He keeps insisting that it's only sex and that he truly loves me and wouldn't be able to live without me by his side. Sure, he has an enormous appetite for sex and sometimes I just can't keep up with it, if you know what I mean. But he knows how much it hurts me and still does it. This time he swears that it will never happen again and begs me not to leave.
I'm lost and hurt and don't have a clue what to do... Please, give me some advice.

[smackie9]

How about a divorce? It's obvious you are not compatable and well, he is a jackass for using you. Your husband has been lying to you for quite sometime and I have a feeling he was cheating on you even before you were married. He is a con artist, and knows how easily you are to manipulate.....that is why he married you. Someone to cook and clean for him and to control.The only way this will change for you is if you leave him for good. You still have plenty of time to find yourself a nice man that will respect you and love you.

[smackie9]

If you refuse to leave him this abuse will continue no matter what you say to him. I know what abuse is all about....I've been there. All they do is ask for forgivness, do a song and dance about how they will change and a month later they are right back at it again.....it will never stop.

[Bambina]

I know that he was a major player when I met him.. But I really believed that he could settle down once he proposed to me.
I love him completely but I just can't deal with sharing him. Just like he demands that I'll be all his, I want him to be all mine.
Divorce scares me... But I guess that I don't have many other options left.. Thanks smackie9 for your opinion

[IncognitoSir]

I know that he was a major player when I met him.. But I really believed that he could settle down once he proposed to me.
I love him completely but I just can't deal with sharing him. Just like he demands that I'll be all his, I want him to be all mine.
Divorce scares me... But I guess that I don't have many other options left.. Thanks smackie9 for your opinion

You ever heard the term, "you can't turn a hoe into a housewife"? Well, he was a hoe and you can't turn a hoe into.... a husband. I'm not sure why people think that folks make this dramatic changes in their life in such short periods of time. He's gotten away with cheating twice already, why would he stop if he knows you'll keep forgiving him? If you don't have kids, that's even MORE reason for you to move on, everyone deserves to be happy, that includes you mam.

[busybuzz]

Yeah, it's broken. His large appetite for sex is not an excuse to hurt you. Period. You deserve better, and you will find it, dont worry. Keep your chin up.

[Bambina]

Yeah, it's broken. His large appetite for sex is not an excuse to hurt you. Period. You deserve better, and you will find it, dont worry. Keep your chin up.

It sorta feels like it's my fault. That I couldn't be good enough for him... Thanks for your kind words.

[Bambina]

You ever heard the term, "you can't turn a hoe into a housewife"? Well, he was a hoe and you can't turn a hoe into.... a husband. I'm not sure why people think that folks make this dramatic changes in their life in such short periods of time. He's gotten away with cheating twice already, why would he stop if he knows you'll keep forgiving him? If you don't have kids, that's even MORE reason for you to move on, everyone deserves to be happy, that includes you mam.

I've heard the term, yes.
We do have a kid which makes all of this so much harder, but I guess you might be right. He has no reason to stop if I keep forgiving him.
I'm scared to death about being alone though. I have a kid, no education or a job. He has been taking care of us while I've been the good little housewife, all according to his wishes.
God, I just can't stop crying... It feels like my entire world has crumbled.

[IncognitoSir]

I've heard the term, yes.
We do have a kid which makes all of this so much harder, but I guess you might be right. He has no reason to stop if I keep forgiving him.
I'm scared to death about being alone though. I have a kid, no education or a job. He has been taking care of us while I've been the good little housewife, all according to his wishes.
God, I just can't stop crying... It feels like my entire world has crumbled.

Listen to me, the law is by far! on your side. Get yourself a GREAT lawyer and you'll have enough money to get two degrees and put your kid through college, believe me.

[IncognitoSir]

opps, just noticed you're not in America, either way though, you owe it to yourself to be happy, do you have some family to lean on while you pick up the pieces?

[Bambina]

opps, just noticed you're not in America, either way though, you owe it to yourself to be happy, do you have some family to lean on while you pick up the pieces?

I have no contact with my family. I come from a highly abusive home and broke off with them completely when I met my hubby 5 years ago... The friends I have were his friends first so I'm not sure whose side they'll be on...

[SelflessnHumble]

It doesn't sound like you want advice, sadly.
Maybe you just came here to vent because you have no one to talk to about this?
I come from a long line of womanizing, adulterous, charming and seductively manipulating/controlling AND of course cheating/lying/deceitful Italian men throughout my family's lineage.

Your first mistake was getting married at such a young age. "To the man of your dreams?" Is there like a 10yr age difference or something?
Your second mistake was to allow ONE man to have complete control over you. It says you haven't any self respect but it does say you have a low sense of self worth.

He is only dominant and controlling because: YOU allow it to be so. It takes two people for abuse to coexist in your make believe happy home.
His cheating means: he does NOT truly love you and only sees you as a piece of ass meal ticket, not as a respectful, beautiful, intelligent and loving wife you're supposed to be.

In fact, he took a HUGE, steaming pile of craptastic shit on top of your family, his oath and vows to you, to love, honor and cherish you and shot out
giant amounts of diarrhea on top of your marriage.

Of course he knows it hurts you. Because of your tacit agreement that you love to be abused (emotionally, physically and mentally) you have
unwittingly handed him the keys to your soul...which allows him to continue doing what he does because: THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES.

To him: you're a brainless monkey, without a voice, dependent on HIS money, housing and security you put too much stock as having sustenance for yourself as a woman.
Of course the sex is epic, right? He uses the emotional connection you have with sex: and takes advantage of it (like I once did) without so much as a regret while knowingly hurting the woman who professed her love for me, while I conveniently pulled it out just to splooge my junk all over her angelic face.

If you can see what I am getting at here you're in an abusive environment and the ONLY way he is going to stop is:
IF YOU stand up for yourself and show him that you aren't the little girl to be taken for a fool anymore.

If you have kids: then you can't just walk away can you? No.
Since you didn't mention them I thank your lord you don't.
It just breeds more of these emotionally unavailable poor excuses for men once they're older. (Trust me on that)

If you need help with what to say, let me know.
Otherwise, don't take offense. I've been there k?

He will only remain faithful until his next option presents itself....Make sense?

Edit: it is widely known by professionals that some woman who've encountered abuse while growing up
tend to attract abusive men in relationships. He doesn't have to back hand you...for there to be abuse, k?

We all want to help you. Most of all me.

[Bambina]

There is a 11yr age difference. And I believe what you say... I've read about these things too but still I keep hoping and wishing that he will keep his promises.
I've taken our vows seriously and there is nothing I wish more than to this marriage to work. Getting married is something I'll only do once in my lifetime and it feels so horrible that it only lasted for 4 years.
He was my first kiss, boyfriend, love, everything and all this has just left me completely heartbroken. Everyone here has told me that this is a lost cause and I guess you're right...
Maybe it's time to try standing on my own 2 feet because I just can't take another broken promise... The future still scares me though, it feels like I've lost everything.

[SelflessnHumble]

There is a 11yr age difference. And I believe what you say... I've read about these things too but still I keep hoping and wishing that he will keep his promises.
I've taken our vows seriously and there is nothing I wish more than to this marriage to work. Getting married is something I'll only do once in my lifetime and it feels so horrible that it only lasted for 4 years.
He was my first kiss, boyfriend, love, everything and all this has just left me completely heartbroken. Everyone here has told me that this is a lost cause and I guess you're right...
Maybe it's time to try standing on my own 2 feet because I just can't take another broken promise... The future still scares me though, it feels like I've lost everything.

This^^^ is what happens when you personally invest everything you are: into ONE person. It's a no no.
The fact is you already know what is going to happen.

Let me tell you the truth:

God isn't going to change him nor is God going to intervene and save you.
Your husband is in a situation of convenience and comfortability he doesn't want to relinquish because he feels he doesn't need to change.

The only way he will change: is IF he sees he needs to change.
Do you know how many sweet women there are out there right now, in a shitty relationship/marriage? Hundreds of thousands! It's sad.

See, women like you don't exist anymore.
A one man woman is next to impossible to find in this day and age. If you don't get up the courage to sit him down
and address your concerns...and should he choose to invalidate your concerns and you STILL stay (hoping, praying) he will change?

You will lose everything, but slowly over time. One day you will wake up wrinkled sad and alone wondering where your finest years have gone.
Do you want this to be you? Yes? Then continue down your path, a road I'm all too familiar with.

No? Then stand up for yourself, gain perspective through my posts to you, harness the power of confidence, courage and self respect that is deep within you
begging to get out....and I promise you that as long as you stand up: even if he leaves you...we all have choices to make.

Refusing to take action once it has been brought to your attention (by an intermediary or 3rd party) of the ensuing abuse, infidelity and marital doom that awaits you....means
you give up your right to vent, to reach out and have everyone hear your cries for help because you don't address the problem. You make it worse.

It's time to start planning for your future with - or without him.

[SelflessnHumble]

It sorta feels like it's my fault. That I couldn't be good enough for him... Thanks for your kind words.

No. It is not your fault.
That's like saying, "if only my vagina was at the same exact moment and place when he decided to penetrate another woman's vagina he wouldn't have cheated on me."

He chose to tarnish your marriage.
You failed to act.
And now...here you are.

The very fact you have chosen to stay with him tells me you have very little independence.
This is what controlling manipulators do. They isolate you then attack you.