i will not be the other woman!

[lori83]

obviously i'm here becausei need advice...and let me give you a disclaimer...i have not and will not carry on a relationship with married man or a man who is taken. the story goes like this...girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, boy has a wife and three kids. so this girl does everything she can to stay away, not talk to him, not flirt (which is extremely difficult) and to really do the right thing in this situation.problem is, girl can't get boy out of her head. we work together, and the way our two different jobs intersect, we have to spend a considerable amount of time together. this is not a situation i have any control over changing, i pretty much have to see him every night. quitting is not option, neither is transferring departments at this time. all the pieces fit, and i feel like he is the one. believe me, i fully expect to be ripped apart on this forum, i know all the answers, all the do's and don'ts, i grew up as a preachers kid, so i have a pretty black and white view of right and wrong. i won't do wrong by another woman. the advice i need is...how the hell do i get over the man who is so perfect for me that people who don't even see us interact tell me that we're perfect for each other? i'm completely heartbroken and can't seem to find an answer. the question isn't whether or not to go for it, my minds made up on that. the question is, how do i stop myself from having feelings for the the man i am head over heels in love with, the one i can't stop thinking about, the one that makes my heart skip a beat, and causes those pesky little stomach butterflies? the unattainable one, the one i can never have? HELP!!

[busybuzz]

I remember those days. I would fall for a guy and then spend miserable periods of time trying not to love. Looking back on it, all those guys weren't all that right for me, but they still made my heart skip a beat and occupied all my thoughts. Each time I thought they were the one. But, now I have actually found my fella and can actually use him as a point of comparison to all those guys I thought were perfect at the time. I suggest considering what you look for in a mate: you probably want to share some things in common with your mate (religion, world outlook, intelligence, hobbies) and probably want a few things different (ex: I'm temperamental, and would clash with a fiery tempered man). Now try to look hard at whether that man has all the traits you're looking for. If he doesn't or you don't know the answer, he might not be the one. It might just be shallow attraction. Neverless, it goes away with time. New guys will come and one will sweep you off your feet. Good luck.

[Kaius]

I admire your courage and moral integrity. You know that being "the other woman" is wrong. In order to get him out of your hair, you have to understand in your heart as to why you are NOT perfect for each other.
A good man is loyal to his wife and family. Any man who claims that the marriage is bad, or that the wife isn't passionate anymore is LYING. If the marriage were so bad, he would have been divorced already. If he
claims that he is considering the kids, he sure isn't considering them when he cheats. So ask yourself if it's okay to have a soul mate who is a liar, a cheater, and someone who betrays his own kids.
Secondly, if you want to be with this man, you don't want to be the reason why his family is destroyed. If he truly is in a bad marriage, then he will divorce in due time. If you are in fact PERFECT for each other,
you should be able to wait for him to finish his marriage. Again, an honorable man does not move to another relationship before he ends the 1st one. If he is worth waiting for, then you should definitely wait for him.
There are no rules in relationships... You do what you feel like. But consider if he has children, you may be responsible for their outcome.

BTW, if he has a girlfriend, you don't have to worry at all. Anything before engagement/marriage is fair game. There is no commitment, so there is no cheating possible. If you want to steal him from another girl, I highly encourage it.

[apple2011]

Kaius...REALLY fair game? Give me a break. Just because there isn't a ring on the finger doesn't mean he isn't committed to her. There has been promises made. Plans made. If he is going to cheat on his girlfriend and is fair game. Then guess what! Your chances of him cheating on you as a "committed" boyfriend are higher. Just because you work with him and have more time with him doesn't give anyone the right to break the general rule of respect. Commitment is still the rule until one or the other opps out. If he wanted out he would get out. any excuse is because hes not sure and doesn't need a coworker encourging him to do anything he wouldn't normally do just because opportunity is knocking. Men are weak and women make up all kinds of stuff in their heads to make this "ok" to justify their actions...

[reeba]

'...how the hell do i get over the man who is so perfect for me that people who don't even see us interact tell me that we're perfect for each other?'

How about this. Stop telling yourself that he is perfect for you. He IS NOT perfect for you. He is married with 3 kids. Even if he got divorced, that is way too much baggage to deal with. Lots of imperfection to cause strain on any relationship. So stop dwelling on it, he will never be perfect for you.

[Bonfire]

Every time I am in love with someone, I always think they are perfect. After the breakup, I still think they are perfect. Then I meet my new love and I think she is perfect. The previous love is not so perfect after all. This cycle continues on and on. Why? Because love is blind. Yes when we looks through the lens of love we can easily convince ourselves that the other person is so amazing. But really it's just an illusion. No one is perfect. Repeat NO ONE IS PERFECT. What can you do in your situation is simple. You have 2 options. Either get another job or find another love. So go out there and meet more men. Yes when you fall in love with a different man, you will realize that the married man was not that great after all.

[chly28]

Bonfire I totally agree with what you say love being blind....Also we tend to hang onto our past because although we all think love is blind but we are in actually fact fear of rejection or being rejected.....but I totally agree by going out there and meeting other guys way more better than one who is off the market......Also if he is an honourable man he should respect that he has a loving family with children to commit to......

[chly28]

Lori I totally understand how you feel....I just recently met this nice man and we clciked..we went on our first date and made plans to see each other again. The next morning I get a text from him telling me his honest opinion that he is married but separated from his wife. He was stuck in this marriage and couldn't get out of. I told him totally upfront that I really respect him for telling me the truth and that he should respect me and not pursue it any further.....Anyways my morality and integrity told me to not speak to him again. He kept texting and calling and tried to black mail me by playing victim. I just turned around and told him....."In the end he is the only person that can make his own choice and decision and shouldn't blame what is happening in his life on other resources.He should do what makes himself happy....then I asked him what makes him happy?" I don't talk to him anymore but that goes to show............

[lori83]

wow, thanks for the responses. opened my eyes to some points i didnt see before. or maybe just didnt want to see. i would like to clarify something i wasnt clear about. this man has not pursued me other than flirting back and forth (still wrong, i know) but we have never talked about our feelings it just sort of hangs there between us. i dont know that he would ever go out on his wife, he has never spoken a bad word about her, and talks about his family every so often, always good. i realize that doesnt make the situation any "better" but i dont want anyone to get the impression that he just walks around hitting on me and trying to sleep with me. it really started out as an innocent friendship but has definetly grown into more than that, and that is the part i dont know how to handle.

[MerryH]

Yeah, just start focusing on his negative traits/features. Every time he flirts with you, think about what kind of sleazy man would say that stuff to someone other than his wife. Then start noticing how dirty his nails are, how big his pores look, how he sometimes has gross breath, how his haircut pisses you off, how he chews with his mouth open, how annoying his laugh is, how he wears far too much cologne, how his ass looks like a woman's. The sky is the limit!