When Love Turns Sour

[BajanFusion]

Hey you guys, new member here, will get straight to the point.

These few months have been nothing short of amazing for me, at least so I thought, after dealing with the heartbreak of a love-one(in December 2009) calling quits on things I was out of it for around 6 months. But come November, it would all change, I met this girl who I really enjoyed being around at University. After a few weeks of beating around the bush she invited me on our first outing and as we sat watching a soccer match she told me that she was in love with me and if the feeling was mutual.

From then on it was like heaven, at first i doubted accepting her but as time went on we realized how closely tied we were, life was truly amazing, until the past two months.

I remember the Friday before V'tines day she came home early from school complaining of cramps, so after checking to make sure she was okay, I allowed her to rest and on Sunday(13th) I decided I would call to follow up and see how she was doing. Imagine my surprise to hear a male answer the phone! I asked to speak to her and funnily enough, while the male heard exactly what I was saying, when she came on the line she seemed to have trouble hearing me. So I hung up, under the impression she was stalling and playing the fool, but i decided to call back....four times I did and it seemed on the 3rd time someone canceled the call on her end.

Well V'day came and she spoke to me, and I immediately asked her what went on Sunday, her excuse was that she lent a friend her phone to use and i happened to call then. The reason why she couldn't hear me on the phone was because her phone was giving trouble since Friday(relatively new Blackberry)so I asked why she didn't call back when she saw me calling, she did and texted me she says, but my phones show no records of such.

Well I pressed on, until she finally got it that I was not buying her story and she immediately threw out the "You don't trust me...", well we raged back and forth for a few more minutes and then she canceled the conversation(we were on MSN). She refused to speak to me and later in the night, feeling maybe I said some harsh stuff, wrote a letter to her Facebook not apologizing for what i said but how I said it and made it clear we needed to talk urgently. She agreed and after feigning around two days later, we spoke and she told me what was up...

She was engaged to another man(who at the time was overseas working) before our relationship came about and when she turned 21(as she would do this year) she was to marry him.

I never felt so disgusted, angry, hurt etc. in my life.She gave me every impression we were in a relationship for the long term, she even told me how she was cheated on earlier in her life and how she was hurt so badly and the irony was that she turned around and did the same to me. I immediately told her we could no longer continue as partners until we sorted this thing out and she asked me if I would take her back if things didn't work out between her fiance and her. I said certainly....but sent her a note questioning whether it is in our best interests given the whole Lovers to Friends(if things did work out btween her and her fiance) as well as us getting back together.

Well I gave her her space to make her decision and she came to me and asked me a Friday how i was holding up since the drama between us...I chose the honest approach and told her i was still annoyed at her and if she made a final decision regarding the two of us...what shocked and surprised me was her response. She brought up a statement i made in the note which I apologized for making saying I said i didn't want to be her friend/bf if things didn't work out, and I told her I apologized for saying that, why are you bringing it up now? You said stuff that I could bring up but seeing you apologized I never brought them up(said to leave her alone and forget about her when we had the big argument on V'tines day-but later apologized for saying so)

Well in the end, she told me she decided that she couldn't choose between her fiance and I so she wouldn't choose either and wants to remain single given the grief and hurt she caused both of us(her fiance came in from overseas to sort it out after she told him about the situation-apparently he paid for the wedding and stuff as well) I told her I was still willing to give her a 2nd chance but she refused saying she didn't want to....she cited she changed her mind about her and I and she just wanted to be single...I felt used and resentful, even after she admitted to what was going on, I helped her in her work because she was behind given a lack of finances and as a result she couldn't access the courses we were doing. I brought her up to speed in time for our midterm, was there when she needed someone to talk to, never scorned her or made snide remarks and she came back to me and told me she changed her mind. Being from a Christian family, my first thought was to forgive and move on(which I am in the process of doing) So I am quite wondering if anyone went through something similar and if they have any advice for me, because the pain I am living with is intense, and I am questioning why me, why now, especially after I had to deal with disappointments just two semesters ago and now i finally got on my feet, I got kicked right back down to earth.

Any thoughts/comments/views?

[MerryH]

So I am quite wondering if anyone went through something similar

Of course. I think most everyone has given too much to someone who doesn't really want it.

But you can't be bitter about it. You sound really bitter. All that help and support you gave her was your own choice. So don't be mad about it, just own it and move on. Stop asking "Whyyyy meeee?" Self-pity gets you nowhere.

[Bonfire]

I feel your pain. Falling in love puts us at a very vulnerable state to be hurt deeply. And sadly, there are people out there that are selfish and only think of themselves and play with people's heart. The moment you found out she had a fiance you should have forget about her and don't waste anymore time with her. If she cheated on her fiance, is she really worth wasting your energy and time for? I know it's hard when you're feeling so miserable without her. But given time, the pain will fade. You'll be fine. Don't let these past experience discourage you from meeting a really terrific girl.

[zain654321]

Love become sour when the heart is broken by the person we trust much. When the trust breaks then love converts into Hate. Love only depends upon the trust according to me.

[BajanFusion]

@Bonfire

I initially planned to do that, but she helped me in the same class before this mess came up as well as her financial constraints so I didn't think it would be right to blank her....in addition I was taught the whole 'Do good to those that do wrong" principle so in essence I only offered help IF she asked, if she didn't I didn't go out of my way. And seeing we signed up for the same classes together we would always be in contact at some point. Yeah I know the pain will fade, This isn't the first time this happened.

@MerryH

I guess you can say I am quite angry and upset right now, but when things like this happen I first like to examine myself to see 1st if this is Karma that is coming back to me before I go on a rampage about someone else's actions, that is why I asked 'Why me', Did I do something to her/someone else to deserve this. I gave her help and support yes, but only if she asked for it, and after all of this she still checks in on me to see how I'm feeling, went to town with friends and bought a pastry for me knowing we would have class late at night, still ask about my family and friends, offers her help if I am struggling with the subjects she does...so it really isn't like she screwed with me and left me alone, she is still there I guess trying to make up for what she did, but at the end of the day I am still not happy about what she did, the fact her family(who supposedly knew about me) never told me anything, and the fact she didn't even think it worth giving me a 2nd chance.

[BajanFusion]

zain

Thanks for your words of wisdom, I try never to hate anyone, she knows that I recognized what she did to me and that I don't want to hold it against her because I know from others that holding onto hurt can cause you to be bitter and makes you miss out on something exceptional in life, I told her I forgave her in that 1st step towards freedom from this.

[BajanFusion]

I know it strikes as a "Girl uses guy-get what she wants-leaves guy" sort of story but it was honestly more than that.

We exchanged letters over the course of two months her initiative, she would be there for my younger brother when he needed advice almost like a big sister to him(I read their convos and she never told him she was busy, whenever he wanted to talk especially about girl troubles she sat down with him), made plans for the three of us to do things together, pushed to meet my family and went out of her way to be with me on Old Year's Night-New Years Day, Christmas Day came though POURING rain to spend the day with me and my family, when we went to a concert and one of my friends didn't get a ticket, she was the one whose idea got him in in the end...whenever we went out the only time I was allowed to pay for her was if she didn't have any money(which wasn't that often) she much rather pay for herself and sometimes even offered to pay for me. I guess that is why I am so confused now, because it isn't like I can pin-point anything as of now and say...."Look that is where she used me/she never contributed anything", she played her part more or less as any gf would do...

As of now I am of the opinion it is a matter of her making a very wrong decision coming on to me when she had a fiance...maybe frustrated that he wasn't around and instead of working out things with him she fell for me as I was there with her, maybe I am being naive, but I think it is a case of a good person making a wrong choice.