My SO's brother and moving on with my life

[cebap]

I'm quite young, 21, and have been in a relationship for more than 3 years with someone who I love and who works very well for me. Right now, we are students and live with his brother to cut costs.

Soon we will be graduating. I already have a great job lined up, and kind of want to move on to working and living my life in the city. I'm excited to find a place in my neighborhood of choice and settle in. My boyfriend is also excited about this.

It's his brother that I'm not excited about.

Lately his brother has become distant, obsessing over his schoolwork and various projects. We see him very little, and when we do its for a few minutes before and after he does projects. He has pushed away friends and family to the point that they don't even bother anymore. We pay for his food, which he eats eagerly, and he is starting to talk about not having money to pay rent. While he doesn't come out of his room often, his presence in the house hurts my boyfriend and my sex life. My boyfriend does not want his brother hearing us, the walls are thin, and we are so nerve racked to stay quiet that we don't bother at all while he is home in the evenings.

My boyfriend is extremely loyal to his brother, and I don't want to hurt either or pull them apart. It's one of those strong bonds that I do not want to trample on, as the girlfriend.
In any case, I don't want his brother to keep me from living my chosen path or have him hurt our relationship. I would be happy if his brother were to find a living arrangment at his school, so we would be close enough to visit often and try to keep up a relationship, but not share a small, city apartment.

How should I go about this situation? What can I say or do without overstepping my bounds?

[IncognitoSir]

You need to have a serious talk with your bf and voice your concerns....at 3 years together I don't think that would be crossing any boundaries, just stay calm when you approach him about it. Not to mention, the brother lives with both of you and you do have a say as far as the living situation goes and anything that effects the relationship between you and your bf.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Tell your b/f you're not considering living with his brother again as an option, when you discuss your new living arrangement. Tell his brother(or have him tell him) to find a room in a shared house or apt. on craigslist or wherever.

[Anturo]

So your boyfriend's brother is moving with you?

There needs to be a different arrangement than that.

You guys need your own place as well as him. He is also an adult so he should start acting like one.

If you let him move with you he will mooch off of you guys forever.

Basically you have to have a frank talk with your boyfriend about him loving his brother but not enabling him.

You can’t keep giving a drunk a drink if you really want to help them.

[devonbrown]

Why don't you look into getting your own place first and your bf and his brother can continue to live together for a while. Even get a roommate if you need to. Then, whenever you and the bf want some "alone time" you can have it at your place and not worry about his brother hearing you. Plus, if you are just graduating and looking forward to living in the city, etc. don't be so quick to jump into a situation where if you and your bf don't make it, you will then be stuck with awkwardness.
Having some time for yourself is not a horrible thing.

Good luck.

[cebap]

Why don't you look into getting your own place first and your bf and his brother can continue to live together for a while. Even get a roommate if you need to. Then, whenever you and the bf want some "alone time" you can have it at your place and not worry about his brother hearing you. Plus, if you are just graduating and looking forward to living in the city, etc. don't be so quick to jump into a situation where if you and your bf don't make it, you will then be stuck with awkwardness.
Having some time for yourself is not a horrible thing.

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice! This advice is actually much different than what others have been saying to me when I ask for their opinions. I've been living with my boyfriend for around 2.5 years, do you think moving out now that we're more serious hurt what we have? ( We work extremely well together, I don't want to sabbatage a good thing...)

[Janet82]

I agree with what devonbrown said

You sound like you don't want to have that serious talk. so getting your own place is the best choice. step by step, just be careful how to talk to him since you have been living for 2.5 years and you two work well together.