A relationship break...or punishment?

[sororitygirl]

I'm going to try and give you guys the whole story while keeping it short.

Been with a guy for a little over a year. I'm 21, he's 23. I used to have some depression problems that caused me and my guy to go on a break back in the beginning of November, when this happened he told me that he didn't know if we were going to get back together. I told him that he had until Dec 14th because I wasn't going to wait around forever. We saw each other twice a week and txted almost every night, but we had no contact for the first week. We eventually got back together the end of November. It basically ended up being the best decision ever. It forced me to really look at myself and get the help I needed. And our relationship was ten times better than it had been in the past.

There had been absolutely no fighting since then. But then in the beginning of this month we got into a few little fights but nothing serious. Then on March 14th we got into a huge fight over some past issues that hadn't been brought up in awhile. It was my fault for bringing them up, I made him a promise I would let them go. We didn't fight the next couple of days at all but there was negative tension from the one big fight we did have. Both of us had said some harsh things over anger and were having a hard time forgiving each other. I was supposed to go to his house March 16th he called me and told me not to come over that he was still mad and that he thought we would fight if he saw me. I let it go and hung out with my friends that night, expecting to see him the following day. Then he told me he didn't want to see me then either.

Then on the 18th he sent me a text saying that he hasn't gotten over anything and had gone to put his status to single on fb and had to stop himself, he said that we needed time apart, a break, and he loved me very much. He stated that he really wanted things to work bc he didn't think he could find another girl who had as much in common with him. He said he wanted a few weeks before we talked about being official again. He needed to make sure that we were right for each other. I txted him back and just told him to call me later so we could talk. When he called me I told him that I understood and I agreed with everything. I didn't cry, beg, or do anything that would be detrimental to the relationship and we agreed to re-evaluate our relationship in 3 weeks. I explained to him that if we decided to end things that it would be it and I wouldn't be sitting around waiting for him. We agreed to see each other on the 26th (tomorrow).

On Monday we both have class at the same time and going against what would normally be my better judgment I decided to write him a letter, and bought him a pack of MTG cards (a game he loves) and put it under his windshield wiper. I basically said in the letter that I loved him, missed him, that this was hard for me, and I pointed out how much both of us had changed since the start of the relationship and how better our relationship was from the beginning. I told him the reasons why I thought he was right for me but told him I knew he had to decide if I was right for him on his own, but I just wanted to bring those things to light.

He called me that night and told me that the letter and the MTG cards proved that I only I would ever know those things about him and that it was very cute. He said that had I not done that he had planned on calling me and canceling for Saturday and ending things for good. He said that by me doing this it made him want to give me another chance.

Now here's the fun part, he also chose to tell me in this conversation that he knew we were going to get back together last time we went on a break but he had just done it as a PUNISHMENT to teach me a lesson. He said he didn't know this time what would happen. So now I'm thinking to myself is this just a punishment as well? He talked to me so much last time and this time he has barely made an attempt to speak to me, so maybe it isn't.

He called me today to talk about our plans for tomorrow (first time we had contact since Monday night) and idk I just felt he was being cold and I was trying very hard not to show any signs of neediness. He asked if I was doing what we both agreed upon and wasn't talking to other guys, and I said yes are you, and he said yes. He just seemed to not care as much. He did say he missed me and that he was excited to see me tomorrow, but I just don't know.

I don't know what to do. If this isn't a punishment and it is for real I don't know how to handle it. I know that I'm supposed to push so he can pull but he said that the letter and gift made him change his mind originally. So do I try to sweep him off his feet tomorrow? Or keep my distance? Or some kind of mixture of both?

I'm sorry this is so effing long, but I need some type of help. I hate being stuck in this limbo. I mean I only have a week and a half left until we are supposed to decide but I almost want to scream make one now so I can either love you or move on with my life. Because I will not chase after him if he ends things. The other big issue is that he spends the summer in a different state and he leaves in about a month and a half. If this is going to work I need to feel secure with our relationship by the time he leaves otherwise it's senseless.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!

[sweetkissesforu]

I feel he is playing games and he is not your dad so no right to punish you move on to immature for an adult relationship

[JadenMia]

Somebody who loved you, would not want to punish you.. but help you with whatever problems you may have. If someone loves you, they will truly want you to feel happy.
My ex used to punish me..For having a stupid guys number on my phone, for hugging a friend we saw whilst we were out, for smiling at a random. Except he didnt leave me, he used to lock me outside the house in my underwear in -40 mid January weather here in Canada. I think it made him feel powerful or something..
Why does he feel the need to punish you? Does he think he owns you? You sound like you let him act this way and that you are accepting his behaviour which will just help him do it alll the more, i know i did. I used to say, he's just upset with me etc.. Now i see.. So f*cking what if he was upset. You DONT treat someone that way.
From what you have wrote, i dont see that this guy does care too much about how you feel.

If it was your choice, and you love your partner right? Would you ever initiate a 'break'? I dont care much for the term 'break' in a relationship. You either want to be together or you dont. Simple. I think people use this term as, 'i want to be single to see if i can get any better. If i can, you are history.' I dont want to hurt your feelings or maybe im just seeing this the wrong way... But why would he want you to feel like this?? Would you try to hurt him? He knows he is hurting you, and he knows he can have you anytime he wants.

If you really want to keep trying with this man then that is your choice. But dont be his 'option'. You are worth way more than that! Pull away from him instead. Make yourself unavailable to him, tell him he's hurt you lots and your having second thoughts about being treated like this for the rest of your life. See what he says? If he says, fine. Suit yourself. What does that tell you? That he doesnt give a sh*t. Which in that case you shouldnt be with him anyway.

Why dont you put your needs first instead this time? Instead of just accepting every decision he makes? If you want to be official, then tell him your not settling for anything less than that. Nobody wants to be the unnofficial girl. Sorry, but thats just a cop-out. Guaranteed sex on the side whilst been single, cop-out.

I think you need to sit down and think about what YOU want. Start concentrating on yourself and your needs instead of basing your whole life on this guys decision while he decides what to do with you. Because thats just not fair
Stick up for yourself a little more! Make sure you are getting what you really deserve.

[sororitygirl]

Thank you for your advice. I agree with you that it's not right for him to "punish" me. I have for a very long time let him treat me in a way that's not right. Why am I always the one to be cast aside while he "figures things out." I need to learn to have more respect for myself.

I do believe that in some circumstances relationship breaks can be healthy. They force you to re-evaluate yourself, and your relationship. I don't think they should be used on a regular basis though or as a form of punishment. But the first time we went on a break it forced me to admit that I had a problem, and I got help for it, and it made my entire life better. I know it's hard to explain everything to someone who is seeing from the outside perspective and I can see why it looks so bad. But he has helped me grow in a lot of ways.

I guess when it comes down to it too often we look to others to make the choice for us, or give us the magic answer, but only we can ourselves can make it. Thank you again for your input, it did make me realize that I should focus on how he's treating me and making me feel by doing this.