A girl may like my boyfriend... what should I do?

[Brit]

Hi, I'm new here! I just joined because I'm having some issues and I don't have many friends I can talk to about it... so it's hard for me to get advice on these sorts of things.

My boyfriend is currently going to a university in another state. We have plans to move in together either at the end of this year or at the beginning of next. Basically, most of his friends are going to another university so he doesn't see them that often. There's this one girl who goes to his university, he's been friends with her for longer than we've been dating. So naturally, I wasn't expecting him to just drop her as a friend or anything. I didn't mind him having lunch with her every now and then because it's a university campus so it's not anything formal.

The first thing that made me kind of uneasy about her was this... there was one time I was on the phone with my boyfriend and she called him panicking because she had lost something. My boyfriend connected the calls so we could all talk. It was the first time I had ever spoken to her, and at this point I wasn't suspicious of her or anything. I said hi to her two times, the first time she didn't respond so I thought she hadn't heard me so I said hi again, more clearly. She was just quiet for a second, then started talking about something else. After she got off the phone, I immediately brought it up to my boyfriend. He assured me that she wouldn't do something rude like that, that she was probably just too busy worrying about the thing she lost to hear me. After I pointed out how I had repeated myself, he said it may have just been because she was shy around new people. Seemed kind of weird to me that someone would be so shy that they couldn't even say hello. To be honest, I still don't think she's ever said anything directly to me.

Lately she's been asking him to go to dinner or lunch with her more and more. It's been getting to the point where it's almost every day, and it's starting to make me really uncomfortable. I brought this up with my boyfriend, and he's been pretty understanding. As a matter of fact, it's starting to make him uneasy too. The other day, he found out she was having issues with her boyfriend. Basically, she's very needy and always wants to be around her boyfriend, but he lives kinda far away so she can't see him every day and she's been complaining a lot. It seemed like the second she started having trouble with her bf, she started hanging around mine much more. And she somehow "hurt her foot" (from what I hear, she was walking around just fine) so she asked my boyfriend to do her laundry for her.

I had a talk with my boyfriend earlier about all this. I pretty much told him how I felt about it and how uncomfortable it's making me, because it seems to me like she's trying to weasel her way in. I tried to put it in perspective for him, because I don't think he was really seeing it from my point of view. I asked him how he would feel if I met up with one of my guy friends, and started hanging out with them all the time and going to dinner with them every day. He said he wouldn't feel comfortable with that, and he understands why I feel the way I do about this situation. But then he said "Well I don't really have anyone else to hang out with." I told him I'm not going to force him not to hang out with her, he can do what he wants, but I reminded him that it makes me feel very uncomfortable. After that he seemed to be kind of upset and got off the phone shortly after.

It seems to me like that girl is starting to think she's his top priority because she's physically there and I'm in another state. I get sick of people looking down on our relationship because it's long distance. She's really needy so she seems to think that anyone in a long distance relationship HAS to be miserable (just because she is, doesn't mean everyone else is). Since my bf seems like he still really wants to hang out with her, I suggested that every now and then he turn down her request to go to dinner and say he's talking to me about something important or something like that. Just so she knows she's not the top priority.

I really don't know what to do. My boyfriend is completely trustworthy and I don't want to seem like I'm forcing him to choose between his friends and me. But at the same time I feel like that girl is being very disrespectful and my boyfriend is just letting it happen. I don't think he means to let it happen, but he's such a nice guy that he sometimes waits too long to tell people off.

[vashti]

I don't think he needs to tell her off. He just needs to grow some balls and tell her he's busy 95% of the time. Tell him he should join some clubs or something at school, so he can make some new friends. This girl isn't your enemy - your boyfriend's inability to set proper boundaries is.

[Bonfire]

I really don't know what to do. My boyfriend is completely trustworthy and I don't want to seem like I'm forcing him to choose between his friends and me. But at the same time I feel like that girl is being very disrespectful and my boyfriend is just letting it happen. I don't think he means to let it happen, but he's such a nice guy that he sometimes waits too long to tell people off.

I have gotten a piece of advice from this wise man. He said that jealousy ruins relationships. It can cause problems when there is none, it will make small things into big things. Trust is a foundation of a good relationship. If you have trust, then why have jealousy? If someone breaks your trust and then he or she isn't worth being jealous of and good riddance. Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy. He has been friends with her a long time. If he had anything for this girl, he would have already dated her. He's with you for a reason. I'm sure you know that. He just started college. He has no one else to hang out with at the mean time. They are hanging out a lot is perfectly normal. Yes it is uncomfortable for you right now to see another girl spending so much time with him. If anything, it's even better that he hangs out with her than some new female friend you are not sure of. At least with this girl, you know what you are dealing with. So be patient, you'll be with him soon, late this year or early next year. Don't let jealousy ruin this perfectly good relationship.

[Brit]

It's really not that I'm jealous, like I said I trust him and I don't mind him hanging out with female friends. But this girl in particular is making me nervous with how strange she's been acting lately. My boyfriend has told me he's starting to feel uneasy around her and has even told me that he thinks something's up with her.

[Bonfire]

It's really not that I'm jealous, like I said I trust him and I don't mind him hanging out with female friends. But this girl in particular is making me nervous with how strange she's been acting lately. My boyfriend has told me he's starting to feel uneasy around her and has even told me that he thinks something's up with her.

I wouldn't be surprise if she does have feelings for your bf. It's fairly common among friends of opposite gender. Since you trust him, then believe he can handle the situation appropriately.

[Brit]

Okay... it's been resolved. The girl was starting to act very strange lately and my boyfriend knew how uncomfortable it was making me. Since she didn't seem to respect any boundaries, he ended up telling her that he did not feel comfortable hanging out with her anymore. I did not ask him to do that, but it was a decision he made out of respect for me and I honestly feel really relieved. I didn't want to seem like I was forcing him to choose between me and his other friends, because like I said I really didn't have a problem with it until she started pushing the limits.

[Bonfire]

Good for him. Since he is the one with her, he knows what's going on.. and handle it appropriately.