The Perfect Man.... who says he doesnt want children....

[AmyKat]

This is my first post. So thank you ahead for advice and taking time out of your day to help. I don't have people in my life to talk to about this, who will give me totally nonobjective advice!

Here is my story:
I am a 27 year old woman. I have been in a wonderful relationship for the past year and a half. We are both independent, understanding and loving of each other. Its the greatest, most supportive relationship I have ever been in! And, we have both known for quite some time that we have found our matches for life.

However, he has told me on two occasions that he doesnt think he wants children. The first time, we talked about it, I was upset, freaked out and told him that if he didn't want that for his future we needed to break up. (I was born to be a mother) Maybe in fear or in love, we brushed it under the table.

He mentioned it again last week and I am ever more upset. He had a tough childhood with his father, and lost his step father to cancer 5 years ago. Business is quite bad at the moment, as well. I dont know if these are factors in him saying this, or if he really doesnt want children.

What should I do? I dont want to lose the love of my life! But I dont want to give up the dream of having a family!!
Please help!

Thank you ahead of time,
Amy

[jessld]

Maybe it isn't the right time now but maybe when ur both older and have the money to have a family. But talk to him say u want children but ull wait so many months or years for this to happen and work through his own personal issues in that.

[VincenzoG91]

Common values are crucial to a relationship, or else you get stuck in conflict over fundamental differences. This one is a dealbreaker for you.

Talk to him about this. You're still in your peak child-bearing years, but if he doesn't want kids, you need to move on soon so you still have time to meet the right guy. So your man needs to make up his mind now.

Bottom line is this. You want kids. If he doesn't want kids, then he really isn't the perfect man, at least not for you.

[devonbrown]

Vincenzo is right about this. There are just some things that are deal-breakers for people. The desire to have children is one of those things for you. It doesn't make you heartless or him a bad guy. It just makes you two not perfect for each other.

Definitely talk to him without being confrontational or accusatory. Let him know you understand how he feels but ask him if he thinks there is any chance in the future that he will change his mind. Let him know you want to have children, and you think that having children with him would be great. It doesn't need to happen tomorrow, but you need to know if he could be the person for you.

Good luck.

[Boisdevie]

He is not the perfect man for you because you want kids and he does not. There is no middle way.

[Saya]

Maybe you cam talk to him why he doesn't want to have children?

But I agree with others that if he truly doesn't want to have children then being in a relationship with him isn't going to work for you in long term since you two want different things.
If you did stay in the relationship with him and if he truly doesnt want to have children in the future then you will not be happy in long term....

[ShellyZ]

Don't expect him to change his mind. Maybe he will, but he probably won't. I have the exact opposite problem as you. I know that I never want kids, so I can't date men who want kids someday. It wouldn't be fair to them, and I don't want to get attached to a guy if there's no future with him. Having kids is a major thing, so you and your partner have to be on the same page.

[reeba]

You aren't getting any younger. If you want kids you need to leave your current bf NOW, and find a great guy who also wants kids.

I know people who changed their mind after finding the right person - to not wanting kids because that is what their partner truly wanted OR to wanting kids because that is what their partner truly wanted.

Hate to say it, but becuase neither of you have changed your mind - you two have NOT found the right person.

[AmyKat]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I really appreciate it. It wasnt exactly what I wanted to hear, but I know its what I needed to hear.
I really appreciate it.

[steviej]

I wouldn't be surprised if his perspective changes when he hits 30. I never wanted them, now though I'm far more open to the idea(just not yet though!) Lucky for me my gf is 6 years younger so I have a bit of time yet!

[VincenzoG91]

I wouldn't be surprised if his perspective changes when he hits 30. I never wanted them, now though I'm far more open to the idea(just not yet though!) Lucky for me my gf is 6 years younger so I have a bit of time yet!

While this is a good point, I don't think it helps AmyKat. At her age, she deserves to know right now whether or not this guy wants kids. She shouldn't have to wait years for an answer to a time-sensitive question.

When I was 30, I was still uninterested in having kids. It wasn't until around 35 that I changed my mind.

[scrupie]

Amy, Ive been through this sort of thing too...although my fiance has 2 boys with his ex he went and had a vasectomy just before he met me! I thought this was far too drastic at 32? she gave him such a hard time he said he could never have anymore kids! I was devastated, there are days still when I get the pangs for a baby with him. I have a daughter though by my ex, but there is nothing like the thought of having a child with the one you truly love! I get so angry at the thought that he would have 2 kids with her, and wont have them with me? I feel slightly cheated and its just another thing the ex wife has that I dont! I either deal with it and hope for a miracle baby to be made or leave! You have to do what feels right for you right now xx