Sensory Overload

[MaidenMinx]

Here I am diving in the deep end with a rather full on first post but the hope that I am not alone in this is too strong to ignore right now.

I have recently discovered that I suffer from a sensory processing disorder. Since finding this out I have been rather self analytical and have been thoroughly enjoying figuring out how this has affected my life up til now. Most of the issues are easy to deal with but the realisation that this may be the cause of my inconsistent libido has sent me in a spin looking for coping strategies. Unfortunately this is not a well researched area.

So, some details I would not usually share with a group of strangers. In the past, during my single times I would swing wildly from promiscuity to celebacy. I have also had issues with maintaining monogamy. Yet when I am in a relationship maintaining interest in sex is something I have to conciously work at. I rarely initiate sex and rarely repsond when my fiance tries to initiate it. When I do.. allow him to have his way, for want of a better term I have to work hard at being responsive. The intensity of the physical sentations can completely blind side me and I can get so distracted that I often kinda forget what I'm supposed to be doing. It's like the experience is too much and part of my brain shuts down. Once I realise this has happened, all I can focus on is trying to get my fiance to finish. I also seem to have a glitch between my body and my brain where my brain will tell me I'm ready, but my body will be far behind. This has often resulted in painful experiences because I will then try to force my body into compliance.

Don't get me wrong. There have been times I have completely and utterly enjoyed sex and have participated whole heartedly, though more often than not at those times I have not been sober.

I have tried talking to my partner about this but find it hard being completely honest with him. Last thing I want him to know is how often I fake orgasms just so he'll finish and leave me be. I am aware that sex is more important for him than me and I don't like leaving him disappointed. Just also want to point out here, there is nothing wrong on the attraction level and all other areas of our relationship are running smoothly.

So I guess I'm hoping for advice or even just some understanding. Sorry for introducing myself this way.

[leoben]

The intensity of the physical sentations can completely blind side me and I can get so distracted that I often kinda forget what I'm supposed to be doing. It's like the experience is too much and part of my brain shuts down.

Putting in that way makes it seem like he blows your mind so much you can't take it. Sounds a lot better then you have to be drunk for sex to be tolerable and orgasms are usually faked. I think in this case you shouldn't be honest, unless you're looking to break up.

How did you find out you had this disorder? Is it being treated? Is there hope of normalcy one day?

[MaidenMinx]

Just to clarify, when trying to discuss this with my partner I've never told him the drunk or faking stuff (mostly due to still figuring things out). I've more tried to warn him off some of the things I've known for a long time I can't cope with. Unfortunately, a lot of the things I can't cope with are things that just 'occur' or are typically described as the 'right' things to do when it comes to foreplay. Naturally this leaves both my partner and I confused. He's confused because he feels like he has to 're-learn' all he's been taught about women and I'm left confused because what can set my teeth on edge one day can be tolerable the next.

I found out about the disorder when our son was diagnosed with Autism. I did a lot of research and went to my doctor convinced I too was Autistic. Turns out I have SPD. Treatment is vague and being a neurological disorder, there is no hope of normalcy. Which is fine by me because normal is overrated. :p

[The Greatest]

I know this woman in a class at uni I know of has sexual councilling with herself and her husband. She says it works. Apparently she occured similair issues of disinterest etc,

She obviously wasnt going to tell me her sex diary haha, but she says some sort of councilling can help

[MaidenMinx]

If I ever get my man into any sort of cancelling I'd be on the look out for low flying pigs!! Though you have made me realise that I may need to find a way to discuss this with my own councellor.... though I doubt that is likely to happen either actually. Typing without blushing violently is one thing, speaking is another....

[The Greatest]

You should get him along for perhaps a session. To see if he likes it?
Some guys hate the councilling thing. I avoided it until recently for comepletely external reasons and it does wonders.

Try and convince him Minx!

[Jolicoeur]

I'm not sure I got that part right, but if alcohol seems to help at times, there's bound to be a more specific drug that helps better. Try different opinions.

I've heard of a woman who discovered late that she's had ADHD all her life. The only thing she knew is that cocaine calmed her down. Cocaine is an stimulant for most people, but for her it was inhibitive.

I'm not saying your condition had anything to do with ADHD, and I'm certainly not advocating to use cocaine. But there are tons of drugs that work on specific area's of the brain and many specialists that don't know what the doc next door down the hall knows.

[MaidenMinx]

I'm not sure I got that part right, but if alcohol seems to help at times, there's bound to be a more specific drug that helps better. Try different opinions.

I've heard of a woman who discovered late that she's had ADHD all her life. The only thing she knew is that cocaine calmed her down. Cocaine is an stimulant for most people, but for her it was inhibitive.

I'm not saying your condition had anything to do with ADHD, and I'm certainly not advocating to use cocaine. But there are tons of drugs that work on specific area's of the brain and many specialists that don't know what the doc n'vxt door down the hall knows.

oh I've personally tried a gammit of prescribed and non-prescribed drugs to try and sort myself out, and I'm certain I've done more damage in the long run. It also doesn't help that I think the majority of medical professionals are idiots (that's just in my experience) I've spent the last few years working hard on self improvement and am finding I seem to respond better to learning coping skills and preparation strategies than medical assistance.

[Jolicoeur]

I'm sorry to hear that.

Why is your partner so reluctant to go to therapy? Does he have an history? Is he not kind enough to want to help you? Is therapy very expensive in Australia?

[MaidenMinx]

I'm sorry to hear that.

Why is your partner so reluctant to go to therapy? Does he have an history? Is he not kind enough to want to help you? Is therapy very expensive in Australia?

My partner is a rather closed up person and it is hard for him to open up. I have suggested counseling for him a few times (for different things, not just relationship counseling for example) and he has never opened up to the idea. There are free therapy options here in Aus. Private therapy costs vary.

I guess my preferred way to deal with the issue is figure out coping strategies and then talk to my partner once I have a solution. I feel that this is more of a me problem than a we problem, if that makes sense.

[Jolicoeur]

My partner is a rather closed up person and it is hard for him to open up. I have suggested counseling for him a few times (for different things, not just relationship counseling for example) and he has never opened up to the idea.
I guess my preferred way to deal with the issue is figure out coping strategies and then talk to my partner once I have a solution. I feel that this is more of a me problem than a we problem, if that makes sense.

I'm not a closed up person, but I hate the idea of going to a shrink to spill my sex life.

However, if I'd find out my partner is suffering during sex with me, and is covering it up by faking orgasms to spare my feelings, I'd be devastated. I'd hate the idea of hurting her. But I'd also feel a breach of trust.

You can't keep a secret like that. I don't think you have to find a way to cope with it. I think you should communicate with him and come to a agreement. Maybe a signal when you're having a fit. Maybe try different techniques and gentler positions.

Now, if you can't have sex at all for longer periods, you have two problems. A man needs sex almost as much as he needs vitamin C. Some need more or less. Some need less with time. But denying him his dose is litterally unhealthy. I don't want to scare you, but I'm not joking either. You have to find a solution if you want to keep your relationship working. And I suggest you find a solution together.

[HeartIsAching]

First off, quit faking orgasms. That's just dishonest, and it's not in your own self interest. How's he going to know he's got to improve if you keep making him think everything's fine?

Come clean with him. Tell him you want to go to counseling,tell him it's your issue, but that you want him to go with you, because your relationship with him is important to you. He'll get that.