New BF having trouble understanding/setting boundries with GF's work/personal friend.

[apocraphyllic]

My girlfriend of 9 months has an attorney/family friend of 12 years that she does Paralegal work for and runs a Catering biz with. He's 20 years her senior.

She was reluctant to tell her boss when we started dating, even after introducing me to him. Most of the time he's fine, but occasionally gets drunk and hits on her, and she's made it clear to him that nothing is going to happen.

I reminded her that she wanted a relationship with me, and telling her boss/family friend we were dating shouldn’t be an issue. She called and informed him the same day, and I figured that was that. After all, she mentioned she’s had other boyfriends in the time they’ve been working together, and eventually told him about them as well.

A month later, her boss took her, her mom and her daughter (visiting from out of state) out to dinner for her birthday. I was told this was a yearly tradition, and reservations had been made months in advance--and there was no reservation for me. She suggested I wait at her at her house, and we'd go out afterward.

Needless to say I was ticked off. They were still at dinner an hour and a half later than expected when I showed up, so I left. She called asking where I was and if I was coming back. Against my better judgment I did come back and we went out for drinks.


Here's my question: Aside from the messed-up situation on her Birthday, just how much of this boss/family friend hanging around should I put up with?

He's over at the house once a week, usually when I'm there, to edit her paralegal transcripts and drop off new tapes for the week.

Every Monday is "family dinner night" at her mother's house: her, her boss, and myself having dinner. This has been on hold for a month since we moved her mom to a new place, and I hope it doesn't start up again soon.

She takes 2-day trips out of town with her boss, and her mom, usually to Vegas, to meet with his legal clients. They spend a day at the casinos, have lunch with the clients, then come home. The last trip she was on, she called me to complain that her boss had “gotten weird” again.

Even this Mother's Day, she expected to have him around. "It's tradition" for him to take her and her mom out to Brunch. She asked me what I wanted to do this year, suggested that he didn't have to be involved because I’ve been stressing out about it lately. I told her I didn’t have a problem with him being invited, but she ended up not inviting him anyway. Afterward, she complained that it “felt weird” not to have him involved.

Should I continue to include this guy in planning events? On the one hand, he’s been around and financially supporting her for a long time, but on the other it’s a weird kind of sugar-daddy situation where he obviously wants more. Thoughts?

[confused lisa]

Have a serious talk with her. Let her know that you don't feel comfortable with her spending a lot of time with ANY man who wants more than a friendship with her and ask her how she would feel if you had the same type of relationship with another woman. I think that it's time for her to choose what she wants and if she wants to be with you but can't keep this other guy at work only, than she needs to look for another job and cut him out of her life completely. She needs to have a talk with him also and lay down the law, letting him know that she is with you and he is causing problems between the two of you. If she doesn't see anything wrong with the relationship that she has with him and how this is bothering you, you're better off moving on.

[Sonrisa]

OMG! do I know you????? you have just described my friend's relationship with her boss! and the Vegas trips....scary

[VincenzoG91]

You know what they say about Vegas.

[apocraphyllic]

Sonrisa, mind if I ask what the situation is like with your friend and her boss?


Confused Lisa: We've talked about it more recently, and she agrees she should be planning holidays/events with me, and has been. For Mother's Day, we cooked brunch for both our moms at our place, and she ended up not inviting the guy at all. He txted to wish both of them a happy Mother's Day, but that was it.

As far as work, they work here at the house while I'm around, and he hasn't been acting weird or jealous. About 5 months back, as soon as I was introduced to him as her boyfriend, he took both of us and her mom out to dinner, and from what I can tell backed off considerably. There have been no trips to Vegas, and he hasn't made any plans with her that don't involve me.

The only thing even remotely similar to the birthday fiasco that's come up recently was a trip to Costco to buy groceries, because he offered to pay.

I still won't be comfortable with the Vegas trips if they come up again, and I'll have to mention that since he seems to enjoy playing the high-roller and putting her and her mom up in a hotel room, he shouldn't have any problem bringing along the boyfriend with a flexible work schedule as well. I'll even offer to chip in.


Vincenzo, I appreciate the humor about Vegas

Honestly, I know the whole situation sounds pretty fishy, but even though I'm suspicious about the guy's intentions, I don't think there's been anything other than platonic going on.

My girlfriend is a grudgingly admitted cougar. I'm 29, and she just turned 40, but doesn't look it. It's always amusing when we're out for a drink to watch the waiter or bartender card us, check her ID twice, then give us both a "so that's how it is" look before leaving to get our drinks.

That aside, I find it pretty unlikely that she would take trips to Vegas to have sex with her 60-year-old boss. If that was what their relationship was like, I doubt she'd have pushed for commitment with me when I was still perfectly happy being single, or clearing space for me until I moved in.

I've also been introduced and spent time with her friends, extended family, mother, the other female roommate we live with, her roommate's gossip of a 16-year-old, and my girlfriend's 19-year-old daughter. Aside from the wise-cracking about our age difference, I have to think that by now something would have come up if she was boinking her boss for money, and that I would have been her sleepover buddy instead of the boyfriend taking a week-long trip with her to visit her Dad up north.

Hope this doesn't sound too defensive, I just think I've sold her kind of short when I put together this thread. I just celebrated my birthday, and it brought up a lot of mixed emotions about what happened on hers.