Used By One of My Best Friends

[Banjoman]

It's been a little while and I'm really trying to move on. I joined an online dating site just to see what's out there and have been corresponding via email with somebody but keeping things very very casual. But I'm really having a tough time over my recent situation. So anyway here goes.

When I was in high school my girlfriend introduced me to this really cool girl named Allie. We became good friends. Eventually me and the girlfriend broke up and stayed friends. I developed a minor crush on Allie but never acted on it because she was with somebody else at the time and I didn't want to break them up. I later found out she had a crush on me later on. I graduated in 2004. She graduated in 2005 and we grew apart. Went probably 5 years or so with no contact. I mean facebook friends yes, but not talking or hanging out or anything and I very rarely got on facebook so there was basically no contact.

Fast forward to the summer of 2010. She called me randomly out of the blue and said she missed seeing me and wanted to hang out sometime so we started texting back and forth. Then finally we started hanging out and I realized there was a lot more than friendship feelings going on from me. Then I realized it was the same for her. We decided to try something out but it was kind of weird and confusing and awkward. She was dating different people before I came into the picture and she had been going from boyfriend to boyfriend for years and didn't want that. I respected that and kept my distance for a while. But I kept liking her more and more and more. I finally told her that and she said she just didn't want a relationship. That's where it should have ended. But the more we hung out the more she couldn't keep her hands off of me. So we went on for like 6 freaking months and she started talking like she wanted a boyfriend. So I thought hey, here I am. I was starting to show her my intentions and was on the verge of asking her to be my girlfriend finally when she called me out of the blue and said our romantic situation wouldn't work that she just didn't want to be with anybody and she understood if i needed some time and what not.

Well I couldn't do much to stop it so I agreed to just be friends after a cooling off period. Well we started talking again after a couple weeks and I was ok and whatnot but then she started talking like she wanted to hang out again. I was about ready to so we decided she would come with me to my weekly gig one Wednesday. But Monday night I got home from work and facebook told me she was in a relationship all of a sudden. I was really hurt. I drank myself sick and told her I'm not ready to see her yet and explained that to her. Its been a couple weeks now since then and despite my asking for space 3 different times she is having a hard time with it. She keeps calling and texting me to say that she really misses me and wants to see me. I keep saying the more she contacts me the harder this is for me and the longer it will take for me to get over it. But she just won't leave me alone and everytime I get on facebook and see the picture with her new boyfriend I just feel so hurt.

I am firmly in the belief that whether she did it consciously or not she used me to fill the void of boyfriend in her life until she could find someone that she actually wanted to be her boyfriend. If it was anybody else I would tell her to go screw herself and leave me alone completely. But Allie is such a good friend I really don't want to lose that. I know we went 5 years without talking or seeing each other but I don't want to go that long again without seeing her. I like having her in my life even if it isn't as a girlfriend. I don't even know why I'm posting this but here it is. I feel betrayed and hurt. I wrote a song about it and put it on my youtube page. I usually post the videos right on facebook but I didn't put this one up because I'm afraid it will piss Allie off and I don't want to lose her friendship. This sucks...

[smackie9]

You guys were just friends with benefits....a lot of guys out there would love to be in that situation. You only have yourself to blame because you could have said no I can't do this because I have feeling for you, but instead you just ignored what was truly going on. Stay friends? who are you kidding here? This is the excuse I have seen many times, but we all know you still keep hoping you will be together someday, so in order to do that you stay in their life as a so called friend.......you are only fooling yourself....time to let go so you can heal and move on.

[Banjoman]

Maybe we were just friends with benefits. But I've never heard of "friends with benefits" with the L word rolling around. She was constantly saying she loved me. And yes I want to be friends. We'd been friends for years. I have let go. I told her I hoped she was happy with her new boyfriend and that she needed to give me some time before we can be friends again. The problem is she is having problems giving me the space. She is constantly telling me she misses me and wants to see me...

[Mathias]

Maybe we were just friends with benefits. But I've never heard of "friends with benefits" with the L word rolling around. She was constantly saying she loved me. And yes I want to be friends. We'd been friends for years. I have let go. I told her I hoped she was happy with her new boyfriend and that she needed to give me some time before we can be friends again. The problem is she is having problems giving me the space. She is constantly telling me she misses me and wants to see me...

She's manipulating you pretty well there. You're her backup plan.

If you're comfortable with that, cool. We've all been there.

[robFord]

How do you feel right now? Pretty bad I'm guessing. Just remind yourself that SHE is making you feel this way because of her indecisiveness and selfishness. You've been acting like a couple, she talks to you like her boyfriend, she expects you to treat her like your girlfriend but she's still keeping you at arm's length and messing with your emotions. What the **** right?

Tell her how you feel, be honest, you're entitled to be angry and then that's it. Either she realizes she's hurting you and fixes things, or she doesn't and continues to do what she's doing. It truly sucks and it hurts, but it'll hurt 100x more the longer you play this out. Start the healing process now.

[smackie9]

Just tell her how you feel and that you really need space to get over her.....maybe that will get her thinking.

[Banjoman]

Telling her how I feel and that I need space works for a day or two. Sometimes three. But so far she always ends up texting me or calling me a couple days later. When she calls me she says she just wants to hear my voice and see how I'm doing and tell me what's going on with her life (mercifully she has left any info about the new boyfriend out) and when she texts me it's to say that she knows she's sorry for being pushy but she really wants to see me and she's worried that when I'm ready there won't be any time. Which makes no since to me whatsoever but there it is.

[Mathias]

Telling her how I feel and that I need space works for a day or two. Sometimes three. But so far she always ends up texting me or calling me a couple days later. When she calls me she says she just wants to hear my voice and see how I'm doing and tell me what's going on with her life (mercifully she has left any info about the new boyfriend out) and when she texts me it's to say that she knows she's sorry for being pushy but she really wants to see me and she's worried that when I'm ready there won't be any time. Which makes no since to me whatsoever but there it is.

Smackie is wrong here. Getting her thinking isn't going to do anything. It's just going to drive her to do exactly what you're saying here.

She's using you, dude. She's going to keep using you as an emotional outlet until you make her stop. None of this is making you feel good, why do you want to put yourself through it?

[smackie9]

Smackie is wrong here. Getting her thinking isn't going to do anything. It's just going to drive her to do exactly what you're saying here.

She's using you, dude. She's going to keep using you as an emotional outlet until you make her stop. None of this is making you feel good, why do you want to put yourself through it?

That is what I meant by thinking....that she won't get away with it anymore, that maybe she will realize that she wants more than a friendship.

The problem is is that he keeps answering so that is making the issue worse.

[smackie9]

Telling her how I feel and that I need space works for a day or two. Sometimes three. But so far she always ends up texting me or calling me a couple days later. When she calls me she says she just wants to hear my voice and see how I'm doing and tell me what's going on with her life (mercifully she has left any info about the new boyfriend out) and when she texts me it's to say that she knows she's sorry for being pushy but she really wants to see me and she's worried that when I'm ready there won't be any time. Which makes no since to me whatsoever but there it is.

STOP ANSWERING HER CALLS AND TEXTS YOU FOOL. When you do, she knows you are a freakin push over. Just tell he it's over, that if you can't have a relationship with her, then you are done, for you don't want any more friends, you have enough of those....you are looking for a GF.