can i get some advice from a divorced women

[ufas1987]

My ex was with her ex husband for 7 years....married for 4 years. They divorced and she moved back here. She had been divorced for a year tell she met me....she asked me out.Im 24 shes 27. We were together for 5 months and everything was great. I saw her everyday and we either stayed at her house or my house overnight. We wernt really apart for too long while we were together. She was the first girl to ever say she loved me when I said it to her. One night I asked her if she ever considered getting married again....I wasnt forcing anything...just a question. She said she wasnt really over her divorce yet and she told me she didnt want to give me fulse hope. A couple weeks went by and I noticed a change. I felt like I was forcing affection and she was kinda pulling away. The last time we had sex it was akward...I tried to warm her up and she really wasnt into it. 2 weeks went by and I noticed something was bothering her. Everytime i asked her she said nothing but she was all currled up at the end of the couch away from me. One day she stright up told me she needed space and she wants to be with me but she still wasnt over her divorce and I wasnt helping by being all close and smothering her. I was also picking out falws in her....I truly didnt even know I was doing it cuz i do it with friends all the time and they do it to me as well. She said I was killing her self esteem. I feel sooooo bad about that. I told her I was sorry about that and she accepted. She told me that she would never go back with her ex but spending 7 years with someone and then stright up leaving it was becoming really hard on her....plus she was having family problems too. She told me with all that stress coming down on her at once she couldnt handle that and my depressed state I was in cuz she wasnt talking to me. Shes a very independent women and doesnt show much emotion...me on the other had does...maybe a little to much. We sat down one day and she said she couldnt be with me rightnow because of all the stress. She finally told me what was wrong, started crying and currled up beside me. Ever since I felt like there was still a chance so I kep trying and trying...telling her feelings and stuff. I truly love this girl and she knows that and she has told me a couple time that she still cares about me. One night we hung out at the bar....she txted me and said she wished things were different between and it was taking all her energy not to tell me to come over because it not fair to either her or I. Is she staying away from me because she really wants our relationship to work someday or is she pushing me away for good? She wanted to give me my stuff back from her house last week....she said it was sitting in her room and her new puppy kept trying to get into it. She never asked for her stuff from my house...I asked her if she wanted it and she txted sure"with a smiley face...if that means anything". I went and got it..we talked about things like adults and she said she still cares but she doesnt know if shes ready and she doesnt want to hurt me. I really want to be with her and I can be 10000% better than her ex and she knows that but shes still holding back. She has told me "I hope we both get the help we need so we can be better together someday" Im really hoping on that but with this break up and the distance Im afraid she will lose feelings for me. Im giving her some time to get better. Ive stopped talking to her and its been a week with no contact between either of us. Im really wondering if the reason why she hasnt tried to get ahold of me is because she is just throwing words at me and doesnt really care. Will it take longer than a week for her to contact me if she still cares about me. Do you think shes not talking to me because she want us to have time to ourselves for a little bit? We tried to be friends and hang out but it was too hard for me to just act as friends. Do you think she just want to give me time to calm my emotions down. Rightnow im getting help to try and calm my emotions and shes getting help with her divorce. Im waiting for a month then I will casually ask her for lunch an try to become apart of her life....is this a good idea? I know she not out dating but I just get that wired feeling sometimes....just because of the distance i think. She also has a lot of people to hang out with and take her mind off of things. Im afraid she will move on and totally forget about me. If theres anyone out here that can help me I would be greatful. My heart had a huge hole in it and I want her to fill it....she very special to me. I want to ask a divorced or recently divorced women because I have know idea what your thinking or how much your hurt. I couldnt even imagine what your going through.

[smackie9]

You are not very experienced with mature women are you? She was looking for a causal and comfortable relationship.....someone to hang out with and have fun with. As soon as you mentioned marriage she knew your feelings were far more deeper than her's were so she was put in a tight spot. She knew this wasn't going to work for her after all and realized that she needed to back off. She doesn't want to hurt you but in the end I'm afraid she is trying to muster up the courage to tell you it's over.

[ufas1987]

It wasnt right after i asked when she started feeling down....It was a couple weeks after. I dont understand...whouldnt she of told me it wasnt going to work for her when she returned the i love you? she didnt have any problem saying it. She was more into our relationship even before I was.

Is a year to short to get over that long of a merriage?

And no Im not experienced with mature or recently divorced women.

[smackie9]

She probably realized that it was going too fast after she had time to think where this was going. You have not been married before and she knows maybe eventually you will want that, but she doesn't. She thought about it and realized that a full time relationship is something she shouldn't be doing at this time in her life, but to have different experience, travel, get her independence, etc before getting deep into a committed relationship......the timing is just bad. So it has nothing to do with just getting out of a marriage, it's just not the right time in her life to have this type of relationship.

[ufas1987]

Ya thats what Ive been afraid of ever since this happend. I really want her to get better and if I love her as much as I do I need to respect that. You are being very honest and I thank you for that. My heart just wont let her go. I know shes fighting this and like i said before she wants to get better so we can be better together someday. Today she posted a quote.....she really likes finding quotes. It said,"You simply cannot drive forward if you're focused on what's happening in the rearview mirror". It explains exactly what she went through. I know this looks bad....Im not stalking her....It came up on recent posts on facebook this morning. Everyone sees it. FYI i hate facebook Theres more to the quote that talks about how bad a prior cheated on relationship affects a women. If a girl puts in 100% of love into that relationship and still gets crapped on she shouldnt blame herself....he was stupid for doing that to such a wonderful girl. I think my ex still thinks she caused everything to backfire in her marriage. we both know shes having a problem realeaseing those feelings and she know it affected our relationship. I want her to heal and giving her time to do that will help. Im just afraid its gonna take a long time for her and when shes ready I wont be there for her. I never wanted to move right into a serious relationship and get married. I want to be with someone for awhile before I go that far. I want to make sure its the right thing for the both of us. Your right...the timing was bad....thats what she told me. I just wish there was a way I can be there for her while she heals so when that day that she wants to go that far comes I will be there for her. Shes very special to me and I know she knows that but I dont want her to forget that. She isnt just a "fling" to me....I really see her being a part of my life.

[Boisdevie]

A year for most people is way too short to get over marriage for men or women. I'm a guy and was married for 13 years. Now I'd run a mile at the question of marriage.

[ufas1987]

Ya I expected that. I dont want to rush her. I just want to give our relationship time grow, but we have to be together for that to happen. I think we would of been fine if we stayed together during this. One of the main reasons why she broke up with me was because she didnt want to give me fulse hope and lead me on....she was afriad I would be hurt. I would of rather had that. Everyday that goes by I hurt more and more. I believe I may have to walk away from the best thing thats ever happend to me. I would really like to know the reason why she just stopped talking to me. If its because she is just done with me or it was because I told her Ive been on a emotional rollercoaster these last 2 weeks from telling me theres still a chance then not talking to me. I use to believe that a little time apart was going to help but since I havent talked to her and she hasnt made the attempt to talk to me.....Im wondering if its just simply over. Theres a bunch of unknowns rightnow and Im wondering if Im just wasting my time. I really want to give it another shot...I understand what led up to the split and I really believe were both strong enough to make it work if we both try. She has a marathon coming up that she has been training for and Id like to wait until thats over with because it might give her the sence of accomplishment and self confidence she needs to kick the feeling she has. At this point I have no clue. The one thing Im really afriad of is that if do move on and find someone.....thats the time she will be ready to try it again. What do I do then?? If she stright up told me it will never work out I would be able to move...but I cant because she just doesnt feel that way. Im sure she would of told me by now. Could it be that she is giving us space because she really wants it to work between us?

[smackie9]

We cannot ever answer that only she can. You will have to go find her and ask her yourself and don't be a push over if she can't give you one....it she can't, tell her you will decide for her...that it's over. You are only going to kill yourself emotionally if she makes you wait around with no direct answer it's just best to call it quits.

[ufas1987]

I do plan on doing that. Before that I would like to try to reconnect. If I dont see it going anywhere I will ask that question...at least get closure and keep her as a friend cuz rightnow i have no closure to this. She has told me time and time again that she wants a relationship with me but its just not the right time. I dont know that to do about that. Theres still a future with her and I cant stand the thought of walking away from that. If I do my mind will be satisfied but my heart will still be broken. I do admit i havent had a lot of relationships and Ive walked away from some becuse I just didnt feel the connection, but im affriad of losing this one. Ive never felt more comfortable with someone. But maybe I should keep it in my mind that if she walked away from this relationship instead of sticking it out then the feelings arnt mutual.

[smackie9]

Just get it over with...the only thing that is holding you back is the fear of hearing the honest truth from her....stop delaying it any further.

[smackie9]

It could be years before she wants to be serious again. She has no idea what she wants, and making you wait is not fair to you...in fact it's bull s hit to make anyone wait. She could meet someone else that really will change her mind about having a serious relationship....where does that leave you huh?

[ufas1987]

well if I do that now Im guaranteed to get the same response because Im rushing her. Ive asked her countless times and everytime she says she wants to get better for me because I dont deserve her feeling like that...that sounds to me like she cares...maybe not to others. If she didnt care Im sure she would of said get lost a long time ago. I dont want to stress her out...thats how I pushed her away in the first place. Shes Starting to realize she needs to get over her divorce. When I talked to her last she said she could feel herself getting better...and she has told me many times she wants me to be myself again and kick this depression. I want to but the only way is for us to be back together...thats the reason Im like this. When we broke up she wasnt ready and I couldnt do anything about that. I told her Im still depressed and that looked like I dissapointed her. If I stop moping around her and become myself again i think theres a chance. She has stright up told me thats what she wants and Im trying but being apart like this just wont leave my head. All my free time I have now makes me worry about it a lot...I try not to but I cant just turn it off. The last time we hung out I was very happy and thats the night she said she wished things were different. I know thats what she wanted. Im just afraid Ive pushed her too far. With her not talking to me Im wondering if shes just giving us time apart for the both of us to get better. and Im not saying shes stright up not talking to me....after we talked last neither one of us have tried to contact eachother. I want to give her time and Im guessing she giving me time as well.

What if shes waiting for me? Id like to find a good way to just tell her I want to be with her but I want us to slowly build our relationship. Yes I do know I have a history of moving to fast but i can slow that way down. I should of done that when I met her. When we first met she was way more into me. If she was happy then I believe I can make her happy again....just need to stop being depressed

[smackie9]

She would have contacted you.

[ufas1987]

why would she if she wants space and i wasnt giving it to her?

[smackie9]

Look when someone wants space that means "you are a nice guy but I just don`t want this". She knows you are willing to do anything for her, she knows you care for her, she knows how you feel about her, she knows you are hurting.......the thing is that if she wanted to work something out like slowing things down she would have contacted you. So here you sit. Rejection is a difficult thing to deal with for sure, and being pretty much told to let it go is even worse.....She is the one to ask for space, so she will be the one to contact you....there is no way she is waiting for you to...she knows you want to....you need to grow some and stop being a wuss and ask her wtf is going on and what the hell does she want. There is nothing more to say on this.