Girlfriend of 3 and a half years, gone in 3 days.

[stevo032]

My (ex)girlfriend and I met in highschool about 4 years ago, she chased me for sometime, and although I wasnt really interested in her at the time, we started dating, and she grew on me eventually. Our first 2 years were great, she was the most caring and attentive girlfriend I have ever had, she tried very hard to please me, and did a great job, I was deeply in love. We even went on to win senior prom and were one of the only lasting relationships through high school. It felt like we were meant for eachother in every way.

Anyways, we moved in together about a year ago to this month, brought my cousin in as a roomate as well. We moved from California to Albuquerque, got jobs, got a decent house, started living our lives. At first we were so excited to be on our own and self sustaining, but slowly over time we began arguing about little things more, and our sex life diminished. This left me asking for sex and her always saying, 'no' or 'later'. It became a constant struggle. In the last couple months, she suggested we take 2 months off sex to get back the drive, and then try again then. I was up for it, if it would help.

Well about a month in, she started saying she needs more space, our own rooms, and we need own friends, etc. She then soon decided that she was going to have a night hanging out with "co-workers", drinking and whatnot. I let her go, no problems at all. She rolls in at 1 am, drunk, tells me she was hanging out with a guy from work and his family, getting drunk, bbq, etc. It was a little off from her original story, but I brushed it off.

However, next thing I know, she goes straight to bed, doesnt say good night. I walked in and tried to talk to her. She starting talking about how she has work early and doesnt want to talk. She doesnt say anything that is comforting my concerns; her story wasn't matching up, she would not look me in the face and she just didn't want to talk about her night. She eventually started yelling and making a big deal, I said some things back, as I had been drinking a little too. One of the most suspicious things was when I said she made it seem like she was having sex/cheating with this guy, not accusing however. She kind of smirked about it and then just said "no, we are just friends" slightly sarcastically. I asked her why she was smiling, she began stumbling on her words and just spat out an excuse, said it was a stupid accusation, smiling. I was furious, I left the room, layed on the couch all night, didnt sleep at all. My heart/gut feelings would not allow me.

I crawled into bed around 5 am, but just lay awake, thinking, my heart pounding. I knew she had work at 8 so I relaxed and told myself I would calmly talk to her when she woke up. Well, 630 rolls around and she leaps out of bed, I pretend to just stay asleep for a while, and read her actions. She got ready for work, but today she got dolled up, I mean straightened, shiny hair, perfect make up, some perfume, she looked damn good. She quickly comes up and says goodbye right before 7. I asked her why she was leaving so early, (she works 10 minutes away), she gave me an answer that seemed a little off. So I just let her know that I'm fine she has (guy)friends, just to let me know what she is doing and with who, just so I could make sure she was okay. She agreed, gave me a kiss and went off to work. I sent her a love text, to 1 i got a reply, my next text was completely ignored. I tried calling her, no answer.

This got me worried as hell, it was only 730 or so and she hadnt started working yet. So after staying up all night, I was a little distraught, not thinking straight, I drove to her work. To my surprise, her car was not in the parking lot. I called her a few more times, no answer. Then about 10 minutes until 8, she pulls into the parking lot, that guy in her passenger seat. I didnt know what to think! I was disgusted. So I pulled up next to her, asked her what was going on. The only thing she had to say is " I dont want to do this right now" The guy was just standing there, so I shook his and and introduced myself, asked if I could have a word with just her. He calmly walked away. She just got mad and said they were getting coffee and he missed the bus to work, but it was like as if she had planned this morning all along. She said she had to work and stomped off.

That night she didnt come home until 3 am. Once again my gut would not let me sleep without an answer, and at 3 am, she did not want to talk about it, same work excuse. That night we climbed into bed, she immediately said she was not in the mood to even cuddle. My heart was pounding once again, so I just got up and tried to sleep on the couch. Another night with no sleep. The next morning, same routine, left early, dolled up. I let her go.

She came home after work, packed up a backpack, and left. I tried to catch her at the door, just gently put my hand on her shoulder to get her attention. She looked me in the face with pure evil, started yelling to let her go and stomped out the door. She said we were officially on a break now. Wow. I had never seen this side of her, ever, in 4 years. She stayed out all night, but appeared early in the morning just getting ready. This was just too much for me. I began just pretending to sleep until she left, to prevent conflict.

She began stopping by the house less and less, and for about 4 straight days she stayed at this guys house. My cousin who is also a coworker and good friend with her, claims that they are only friends, Im over reacting, etc.. Making it seem like theres nothing weird about this situation. I didnt buy it.

At this point we had not spoken for 5 days. My mind was always jumping places, that she was cheating on me and just out and left me, not a care of our history. But I kept my outward composure, even though it really broke my heart. I distracted myself for a few days, hung out/stayed with family while I let her gather her thoughts.

After a few days, I came home and she was there. We akwardly danced around eachother, but I met eye contact with her, asked her how she was doing. she sweetly said good and asked about me. etc.. She then began to explain her feelings on the situation, and we talked through all of it. She assured me they were just friends, and looked me straight in the eye, very genuine. I wasnt completely convinced. I thanked her for letting us go on the break, stated I had learned a lot, just to get her attention, she then agreed and said we just need space and time, and even eluded to a future of us being together again. She hugged me and gave me a kiss on the lips. I didnt take that as a for sure, but it made me feel a little better, and somewhat confused. She still says that her and this guy are only friends, but she is hanging out with him because she doesnt really get along with girls and she doesnt know anyone else out here since we just moved. I was skeptical, but felt a little better, and decided to let it all go. We even went to lunch afterward.

We are now deciding to move out of the house and go separate ways for awhile. She is going to get an appartment with my cousin(whom I trust), take care of my cat and other belongings, and I made some soon to come travel plans to be in california and oregon for the rest of June, just to find myself.

In the mean time, I invited her to the mall the other day, just to be able to hang out casually and act like I'm over it already. I'd say I did a good job, we had a good time, I bought her some shoes because she said I owed her money, kinda shallow, but I went with it. Also while she was trying on shoes I went through her texts real quick, saw some suspicious texts about her giving this guy a "long massage" and all his bantering about drama at work. nothing serious though. I tried to act confident despite this, and just seem like I was cool about it. After shopping we got slurpees and just talked a little bit about random things, not the relationship. I brought her to the house, where shortly after arriving, she said she had to leave again. I was fine about it. She gave me a very firm hug, which she would not let go, and then left.

The next night she came home to actually sleep, but refused to be in the same bed with me; said it would be ackward. Even though she wouldnt have a blanket, I offered out of politeness to share a bed with me, no strings attached. She declined sharply. She then brought up that I owed her about $600 and she would need it asap to move into her new apartment (which I found out was in the same complex as this guy). I told her I would when I could. I was pissed again. But I acted calm. I even slept that night.

She still stays late at this guys house and chooses to come home or not. But I dont know if I should really move on, or if I'm just waiting on her to slowly slip away into this loser's arms. I'm almost afraid to do my traveling for the month because I think they will move this friendship to the next level. But at the same time we need a lot of space, we have some still pent up anger that comes out every so often. But I don't want to lose her after a great couple of years, we worked great together.

Some other strange info is that just the week before this all happened, we were looking at our next house, and talking about dream marriages, and she was telling me that she gets hit on at work constantly but she loves me so much that she denies these guys constantly. Nothing is making sense.

Essentially, I would just like an outsider's view of this situation, possibly a girl that may understand what her intentions are, if guys actually do make better friends, or if this is just blatant cheating and I'm a fool not to see it. I have been going over this for days, my heart and mind in a cycle of acceptance, then utter disappointment. I want to move on, but I dont want to let her go if we can still have something. We had amazing chemistry that I have never felt with another girl. I just dont want to make the wrong choice and miss out.

Any insight would be helpful in this situation, I just need some honest opinions, I dont mind being told how it is, I'm so lovesick I may need a few sobering thoughts to set me straight.

Thanks in advance.

Steve

[kageri]

although I wasnt really interested in her at the time, we started dating, and she grew on me eventually. Our first 2 years were great, she was the most caring and attentive girlfriend I have ever had, she tried very hard to please me, and did a great job, I was deeply in love.

I read this part and went uh oh. If she has to work hard to get and please you then it really isn't love and it isn't going to last. Eventually people get tired of trying so hard and feel unappreciated. It may take months or it may take years but eventually it falls apart. I think it sounds like she has some residual feelings but is tired of the relationship and actually wants out. I've broken up with some guys who I really cared about and it was really hard especially when I totally still would have been willing to sleep with them again but the relationship was not what I wanted so while I acted nice I was already looking at someone else.

[Gratedwasabi]

She's sexing him up. Probably pretty good, too. You seriously can't figure this out?

[MerryH]

You weren't a very nice or respectful guy when you were together. I'm really not surprised that she packed a bag after you were particularly jerky.

Anyway, it seems crystal clear that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. You really should move on. At least definitely keep your travel plans. You'll probably be pissed at yourself if you don't.

Also, pay her back her money, you deadbeat.

[stevo032]

Hmm. I am a little confused with that response. If you could tell me why you see I was disrespectful I might be able to agree with your statement. But I was most certainly in love with her and gave her everything i had. We were very happy until we moved in together, and the stressors of life got to us both.

[MerryH]

Hmm. I am a little confused with that response. If you could tell me why you see I was disrespectful I might be able to agree with your statement.

Well, for example, she got home late one night, said she didn't want to talk and tried to go to bed, and you kept pestering her until it broke out into a screaming match. You should have respected her wishes to go to sleep. Showing up at her job and causing a scene was a bad, bad move. That was disrespectful of her and her workplace. Going through her texts was invasive and rude. That was disrespectful of her personal space. Then you put your hands on her, which you say was gentle, but it was enough to piss her right off. All of that was just so pushy and overbearing, and during a time when she said she needed space, or whatever.

Honestly, she says she wanted a break, but it seems like she's setting it up to be a permanent breakup. Go on your trip. Don't be too heartbroken when you come back and she has completely moved on.

[Gratedwasabi]

Well, for example, she got home late one night, said she didn't want to talk and tried to go to bed, and you kept pestering her until it broke out into a screaming match. You should have respected her wishes to go to sleep. Showing up at her job and causing a scene was a bad, bad move. That was disrespectful of her and her workplace. Going through her texts was invasive and rude. That was disrespectful of her personal space. Then you put your hands on her, which you say was gentle, but it was enough to piss her right off. All of that was just so pushy and overbearing, and during a time when she said she needed space, or whatever.

Honestly, she says she wanted a break, but it seems like she's setting it up to be a permanent breakup. Go on your trip. Don't be too heartbroken when you come back and she has completely moved on.

And you owe her money. And you dare to get indignant over her wanting it back.. SHE LENT YOU MONEY, IT'S HER RIGHT TO ASK FOR IT WHENEVER SHE WANTS, DUDE.

You handled the break badly. You failed. She is done with you, I guarantee it. Pay her back her money, go on your trip, get over her.

[stevo032]

Well, for example, she got home late one night, said she didn't want to talk and tried to go to bed, and you kept pestering her until it broke out into a screaming match. You should have respected her wishes to go to sleep. Showing up at her job and causing a scene was a bad, bad move. That was disrespectful of her and her workplace. Going through her texts was invasive and rude. That was disrespectful of her personal space. Then you put your hands on her, which you say was gentle, but it was enough to piss her right off. All of that was just so pushy and overbearing, and during a time when she said she needed space, or whatever.

Honestly, she says she wanted a break, but it seems like she's setting it up to be a permanent breakup. Go on your trip. Don't be too heartbroken when you come back and she has completely moved on.

But I was never disrespectful in the relationship, I treated her great, she was happy. She did the same for me. I fully trusted her. Those "disrespectful" actions occurred in the last few days, that wasn't something I would normally do. I felt like I had to act fast, as she was quickly drifting away.

And you owe her money. And you dare to get indignant over her wanting it back.. SHE LENT YOU MONEY, IT'S HER RIGHT TO ASK FOR IT WHENEVER SHE WANTS, DUDE.

You handled the break badly. You failed. She is done with you, I guarantee it. Pay her back her money, go on your trip, get over her.

You don't even know the situation of why she needs money, it was something she paid for out of love early in our relationship. Funny thing is, I paid to move all of her stuff into our new house, and helped her with a down payment on her car, but I never put it on a tab. I could argue about all the expenses she caused me, but I don't. I have every right to be indignant inside; though not to seem immature about the breakup, I told her I would pay her back.

[Nicholas_V]

She is seeing another guy till 3am (in whatever capacity) repeatedly. She refuses to offer you information of her whereabouts when you were still a couple. She sleeps in other people's houses and she refuses to sleep in the same bed with you. How much clearer can it get?

She is done with you and you should start planning your life accordingly. It's unlikely you will get back together - don't waste your time waiting. Keep the memory of the 2 good years you had and get on with your life.

Also, a lesson you ought to learn from all this, if any, is that, when it comes to money and shared expenses, you both need to keep a very clear account of who owes what to whom. Don't assume. Losing someone you care about is painful enough - save yourself the grief of having to argue over pennies.

[elleda]

i think what she has done to you is considerably worse than the things that you have (what you have written here anyway...!heh)

GOOD ON YOU for busting that shady b1tch at work AND for being able to react calmly to that guy in the car.

i don't know, she sounds like a horrible person. or a spineless one incapable of ending a relationship she's no longer happy in.

[kageri]

Those "disrespectful" actions occurred in the last few days, that wasn't something I would normally do. I felt like I had to act fast, as she was quickly drifting away.

While I don't entirely agree with the accusations in to your actions what you did would not have gotten her back. All it did was make her more upset at you and make yourself look like a jerk to people on the other side of the situation. That guy who won't take a hint and go away and starts getting in to your space and other relationships. The one you tell stories to your later boyfriends and girlfriends about how bad he took the breakup and the insane, misguided stuff he did out of desperation to get you back. When someone starts pulling away from you stalking them to their work and snooping in their stuff does not bring them back. It seals the deal and you will never see them again or makes them upset so they start making demands like monetary compensation and trying to claim items that aren't there's. It makes the whole break up worse for everyone.

[IncognitoSir]

I think it's crazy how everyone is busting YOUR balls about wanting to talk to here that one night. Really? Your gf comes in super late and is acting very different from her usual self and what, he's supposed to forget about it? Nah, only a fool would do that. She was in bitch mode and when chicks get like that, their's no "nice" way of approaching the conversation. That smirk she gave you, that was the bitch in her rearing it's ugly face. She's a liar and a cheater man. Forget about her, karma is a bigger bitch than she could ever be. Make sure you do learn from this though.

[Gratedwasabi]

I think it's crazy how everyone is busting YOUR balls about wanting to talk to here that one night. Really? Your gf comes in super late and is acting very different from her usual self and what, he's supposed to forget about it? Nah, only a fool would do that. She was in bitch mode and when chicks get like that, their's no "nice" way of approaching the conversation. That smirk she gave you, that was the bitch in her rearing it's ugly face. She's a liar and a cheater man. Forget about her, karma is a bigger bitch than she could ever be. Make sure you do learn from this though.

That one I don't think is his bad. The showing up at her job is f-ed up, but I understand breakups make you do stupid things.

The money thing is what I have a problem with. Why say you owe her it if you don't? Either you owe her money or you don't. Pick one. If you owe her money, don't bitch about it. If you don't, don't pay her. Black and white.

[Incognito]

Wow, I can't believe you all actually read that long freakin post. It looks like someone posted their thesis.

[sarahprincess]

Wow, that sounds really odd that she would upright turn like that. She hasnt ever given any signs like this before? Maybe there is drug or alcoholic abuse? Or maybe bipolar? That can really change someone. I mean I would be skeptical of drug abuse if she needs hundreds of dollars asap, and has a steady job. In any case, it does look like she is going for those other dudes that took interest in her. Maybe you weren't giving her the sort of attention she wanted? I dont mean sexual attention like sex, I mean the kind bf's are supposed to give that makes their SO feel pretty or special. Definitely would not wait around.. go travel and try to get over her.