Love Lost

[southsideharry]

Ok, where to start. I am a 30 year old guy and over the last 6 weeks I have lost my best friend and soulmate. We met 3 years ago – I was 27 and at the time she was only 18. I had just came through a very bad and prolonged break-up with an ex I had been with for 4 years and so I was nowhere near ready to jump back into something else. At the time I thought the age gap was too great anyway – as well as we got on, it was very obvious that she was nearly 10 years younger than me at the time. I also felt like I needed some time to live life a little and focus on my career after what had been a very difficult few years for me.
To make matters more complicated she has a genetic condition that has no cure or treatment. It affects her muscles and in time she will become so weak that she will be confined to a wheelchair.
As our relationship progressed over the years I have found it more and more difficult to come to terms with her condition as her physical state has deteriorated. I have not had a serious girlfriend in all the time we’ve known each other and our relationship for long periods at a time has been far more than platonic. We really grew to love each other and used to stay over at each other’s houses all the time, go on holiday together, spend Christmas Days together... the list goes on. We had everything in common and a genuinely special relationship. She eventually told me she loved me and wanted to be with me but I never told her I felt the same way. It was so difficult for me to accept the future and the commitment involved... knowing that I would become a full time carer one day in the future, that I wouldn’t be able to have kids, that I might end up alone if anything happened to her. After the terrible time I went through with my ex I chose to shy away from making a commitment to her in the hope that one day something would happen and I would realise all that mattered was being with her here and now.
To be honest I knew I loved her but I think I tried to convince myself otherwise because it was the easier option than committing. I am ashamed to admit it now, but I did date other girls – nothing serious and I never asked her to meet any of them, but over the last couple of years there have been 3 or 4 girls I’ve dated. I know now how hard that must have been for her and I hate myself for doing that to her. I don’t know what I was thinking at the time... I guess I was trying to find the happiness that she brought me without all the complications. Nothing ever lasted though because I always put her first, and it wasn’t long before we were back in the old routine and being a couple – although never officially. She told me so many times she loved me and I said it back occasionally, but no matter how many times she brought the subject of ‘us’ up, I always said I just didn’t feel that way about her. How could I tell her I loved her but was too scared to commit because of something she had no control over? I know she loved me more than anything in this world and I was so close to telling her how I felt so many times, but then I’d lose my nerve and change my mind. Every guy she’s ever met has shown an interest initially, but when they realise what her condition involves and what the future holds they all run a mile. I was the first guy she ever met that didn’t, and although it sounds like I was borderline taking advantage of her at times, it was NEVER like that. I treated her like a princess, was always there for her, never deliberately let her down and always tried to make her happy and put her first. The only thing I never did was tell her I loved her and that I wanted to be with her forever.
So that’s our history... what’s changed now? Well, one of my best friend’s died last year very suddenly and unexpectedly, and then my dad passed away earlier this year. I was a mess for a while and, of course, she was always there for me.
Then this guy that works in the pub where she goes asked her out.
Initially I encouraged her and gave her advice because I could see how excited she was that someone who knew her and about her condition was showing an interest. As they had a few dates I really started to think about everything – about the last 3 years together and all the times we’d had. For weeks I barely slept or ate and spoke to all my closest friends and family trying to finally overcome this fear I had about committing to her and the future. I realised I loved her more than anything and that not being with her now was more scary than anything the future could throw at us.
When I decided to tell her everything she had been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks. I told her how I felt, how I’d always felt and how I’d been scared and made mistakes but I loved her – I always had and always will. I told her I was so sorry and that I was scared but the thought of losing her was unbearable and I wanted to be with her forever. I promised her real commitment and a future. She told me this was totally unfair to tell her this now and that I was too late.
That was about a month ago and there isn’t a day goes by where I don’t think about the whole 3 years versus 3 weeks thing. I KNOW I had so long to make a move, but for a variety of reasons I didn’t. I have to live with that I know, but only a couple of weeks before she met this guy her and I went away for the weekend and although we didn’t sleep together we shared a bed and were so obviously in love.
She says that she’s happy and this guy treats her amazing and he deals with her condition so well, but I just can’t understand why the 1 thing she wanted for so long – for us to be together – is finally here and it’s too late by a matter of weeks? I have treated her so well and dealt with her condition for 3 years – it’s hard to understand why it’s too late. I guess because this guy came along and offered her commitment. It was probably the first time in her life at the age of 21 that she’d heard someone say ‘I’d like to be your boyfriend’.
I know it might be easy to think I am acting out of jealously or desperation, but I wasn’t. I have thought about this decision for a very long time because I knew I had to get it right. If her meeting someone else is what it took for me to realise how I truly felt and what I truly wanted then that’s what it took. I was genuinely ready to get a place together and do whatever it took to prove how much I loved her but she is in the honeymoon period with this new guy and I just don’t know where I fit in anymore.
For weeks I tried to be her friend, but we’d meet up and I’d get upset or she’d talk about her new relationship and it’d be awkward. She also told her new man that since they’d started seeing each other I had come forward and admitted I had feelings for her. He took it ok apparently and has still encouraged her to be my friend. It reached breaking point last week though as I have lost nearly a stone of weight from not eating/sleeping as I miss her so much. We’d speak every single day and see each other at least twice a week, but since she met this guy and I’ve lost the plot emotionally it’s all gone horribly wrong. I met up with her last week and said that for the sake of our friendship we shouldn’t see each other for a while – it was too hard and not fair on either of us. I promised her that I would always be here for her and she could get in touch whenever she wanted, but for now friends was going to be too difficult for me to cope with. That was a week ago and I haven’t seen or spoken to her since – in 3 years that’s the longest we’ve gone with no contact and it’s killing me.
I know I messed up, but am I doing the right thing? Why did she chose him over me? What should I do next to build some bridges and make her realise I am the one she wants to be with? I know she’s having a great time right now and she deserves it, but I also know she loves me in a way that she’ll never love anyone else because of our history together. I would make her so happy if only she’d give me the chance now I’ve realised how stupid I’ve been all this time.
I know I’ve rambled on for chapters here and thank you so much if you’re still reading this, but can you please give me any advice or insight into what she might be thinking and feeling and indeed what I should do now?

[deepika_16]

You are in the right track in fact, you are great and you did a great job by choosing your career first. If she really loves you than one day may be she will realize come back to you. If she won't, than she never was your's. Its good be not having the [URL="http://www.myboyisanidiot.com"]relationship[/URL] if you are not getting love from your partner. It is just a compromise that you love her so choose her all the time. If she is not the one who loves you than it's better to let her go and live your life your way. There is some thing special waiting for you and it's a fact.
I know it hurts but we are human beings and we know very well to manage our mind and heart. So chill your life and make new friends. Might be you will find some one better that her! You never know when and what will be going to happen! Thanks and live happy.