Broken up... finally

[TheTooya]

So.. if you followed my previous what-ever-number of threads with my girlfriend over the past 2 years, we finally actually broke up.

I figured she wasn't right for multiple reasons:

My mom and her hate eachother (drives me crazy that they complain about eachother all the time)
She lives in Japan, and intends to stay there
I live in US, and intend to stayt here
She wants marriage and kids now, I don't.
Shes very bitchy to me, and will talk down to me
I am a glutten for punishment and spoil her (and every other girl I've been with.)

Main Reason: I have my full time job in USA, I am not planning on leaving anyyy time soon, she is looking for a full time Job in Japan, and plans to stay there.

So... here is actually how it went down:

I broke up with her a week ago because of the above reasons (I realized at that point I did not picture our future together). She cried, and begged to keep on trying... and I caved and let in. Then, a few days ago she said she understood why I said what I said. So, I broke up with her, "for reals"... and well, she has been clearly upset about it...

I dont know you anymore. This "Tyler" who is sending me emails is not the Tyler dated back in Austin. You are a poser, an asshole, a jerk, a player, and the biggest liar yet. I honestly wish I had never met you nor dated you. The Tyler I dated wouldn't have been happy to end our relationship, the last time I heard he still cared about me, and even left me messages that said he loved me. You are not him, so stop pretending like you are.

you are stupid baka tyler go die

Sooo... yea. I'm guessing she will be upset about everything, but what next? She has been consistently emailing me everyday, upset that I 'barely respond back'. Should I just, keep on going the way I am? Should I respond less?

Bleh... breaking up is always sucky. <_<

[TheTooya]

Double post, sorry:

Main question: I think my girlfriend is planning on emailing me every day... and I don't know if I should enact the holy NC rule, or frankly what I should do moving forward.

[Renwo]

She is hurt because of the break up. Angry at you. You need to make her feel like breaking up was the best choice for both of you.

[pisces25]

Sorry but she sounds a bit crazy. Obviously upset and acting on her emotions. I would not respond or just say something polite like 'I am sorry you feel that way however I feel it is the best decision for us both' and leave it at that. I think she may be upset things didn't end on her terms too but the reasons you gave are all reasonable ones for not continuing a relationship.

She will calm down eventually. Break ups do suck, agree with you there.

[TheTooya]

Hmm, well I will be honest, I believe I lead her on. She and I both had this picture that we will stay together forever in college. I graduated first, and found a full time job over in TX (she was in PA still), and she graduated only recently, and went back to Japan.

The entire relationship, I was prettty much pussy-whipped. No other way of putting it. I would resent her at times, but I kept it in to myself.

Recently, she got off on telling me I need to quit my job eventually, and move to Japan with her. And well... I agreed to it. But, my company *just* recently IPO'd, and it was *that* day that I decided to say "**** No" and I called her to break up with her. Last time she spoke with me, she was convinced I would go to Japan with her (I did protest, mind you), and called the "You care more about work than me" card.

Turns out I do... :/ So, I called, she cried, I felt like shit and gave up. About a week later, she emailed me telling me why she understood that we were going in different directions.

Or just, here:

I was thinking about what you said a few days ago about breaking up/ not being happy with our relationship, and I think even though at the time I freaked out and begged you to stay, maybe you were right. The fact that you said you weren't happy at all in our relationship was a huge shocker to me and it hurt. I'm not sure if I can ever get over that. Additionally, you know you want to stay with HomeAway for basically, the rest of your life. I want to have a family and raise my kids in Japan. I see you as valuing work and HomeAway more than me, our potential future family, and our kids. That is really not what I want out of a husband or a dad to my kids-- in fact, that's kind of the opposite of what I want. I want someone who is going to value family over work. Doesn't mean I want a slacker husband, but just someone who will work hard but not so hard he forgets who he is. I'm not saying youll necessarily become like that, but that's where i see you going.

It also doesn't help that you being totally unclear about where you want to be and go with me is making my mom believe you're not a sure choice. Her opinion isn't the end all of opinions, but I take it into consideration because she is my mom.

On the subject of moms, your mom is insane. There is really no other way to put it. I can't stand that she keeps biting into my neck when I'm not even doing anything (ie: the email I sent her about "Thank you for the shoes" got a response of "you are not fit for my son") to her, and the more I think about it, the less I want her involvement in my future. I know you kept saying "she'll be less a part of my life later on" but I don't think that's going to happen -- she's your mom, after all, and unless you decide to totally cut her off, which I don't know if it's even a good idea, probably not, I don't see it happening anytime soon.

Furthermore, the path you're leading of "work a lot now for the next 10, 15 yrs, potentially marry later" is exactly following what your mom wanted you to do. As much as you say you're not going to listen to her, in the end, the path you chose always goes down the road she most desires you to take. If that's the path that seems the best for you, I guess that's fine, but sometimes it seems like you are too attached to your mom.

Lastly, regardless of what your mom or what my mom says, it's ultimately up to us if we want to stay together. I wanted to. I really really did. But what I saw in my near future and what you saw, are two different things, I think. You haven't even proposed to me and you expect me to just "trust" your word that you're going to marry me after maybe two years if I move back to the US. The last time I "trusted" your word, you promised you would marry me and we would stay together forever. Then you tried to break up with me literally like 3 weeks after I left Austin because you were lonely. I know you said that's not the only reason, but quite frankly, if I was there in Austin, I don't think you wouldve tried to break up with me. Anyways, it doesn't show a lot of commitment in terms of keeping your word at least in my mind.

So, to me that gave me further confirmation that breaking up was the right thing to do, and so I continued on with it.... :/

Meh. I have not replied to her latest email (first post), so we'll see what she says next...

[devonbrown]

You decided to break up. And for valid reasons it seems. I know that breakups are hard and people get hurt, but one of the best things about breaking up is that you don't have to keep responding to your ex's emails. She is going to be hurt, and I know you don't want to seem like a heartless jerk, but no matter what you do she will be upset. I would send one email saying that you know she is upset, and that you are sorry she is upset, but it is for the best and your mind is made up. And then stop responding to her hurt emails.

Good luck.

[TheTooya]

@devon Thank you very much.

So, a last tid-bit of our coorespodance...

are you purposely avoiding me? you are never online and haven't even bothered to try to call me. I realize you hate me and dont want to talk to me but you're really ending (slash already ended) our 2.5 yr relationship via email???????? not even a phone call???????

.... I honestly didnt think you were this much of a jerk when I was with you. I really really believed in you. It makes me wonder who i can trust and if you were ever really in love with me. ....I asked that earlier and you didn't respnd, which makes me believe our 2.5 years was all a lie. Was it? You never even said "yes, it was a lie, I did not love you". Why, because it's true??

I know you are hurt, and I know that I am a jerk. I am sorry that you are feeling hurt and upset, but this is for the best.

I did not lie to you when I told you that I loved you. I am not avoiding you, but I am barely on the computer, I am with my family enjoying the remaining 2 full days before I get back home back to work.

If you want to talk on the phone later, I will be able to talk later.

So... I don't know how long these emails are going to last... :/ My gut tells me to just be nice and reply, my other gut tells me to stop replying: she will hate me but will get over us.

[magictree]

You obviously don't love her enough to leave your job and your country so... forget it, get over it, and find yourself someone who means more to you... It would be fairer on her too!

[TheTooya]

Well, yes, I broke up with her already. This is the 'post-break-up' mess I am dealing with.