New relationship & self esteem

[Jenswaiting]

I have recently met a lovely man and we have been dating now for a few weeks. We have a great connection; loads in common, find each other very attractive and very keen on each other. All dates have went very well but in one of the more recent ones I opened up about a fairly sensitive personal subject and immediately went self conscious. Since then I'm over-anaylising everything I say and worried I'm going to mess up what could potentially be an amazing relationship. I know I have a tendancy to seek validation outside myself, but this only comes up in relationships. I'm also aware that this is self-esteem issue. Does anyone have any advice or personal experiences that may help?

Thanks....

[Bonfire]

It comes down to being happy with who you are. Knowing that you rather have someone who falls for you than them trying to fall for this "perfect person" you try to be. It is to know that every person on this planet is equal in value. There is no one better than you nor you better than anyone else. It's about being our unique self and finding that special someone who is compatible with you. Most relationships end because most people are not compatible. They get together purely on attraction and attraction don't last. No matter how many times you got rejected or how many times you rejected others, it does not devalue your self-worth in any way. Because you know who you are and is happy with that. And know that there is more to life than just relationships, there are families, friends, as well as you life interests and goals. Live for everything not just one thing.

[pisces25]

Has he given any indication he is any less keen on you after your revelation? It sounds like you are worrying about nothing and just remember if he is the right guy no matter what crazy thing you announce about yourself he will still like you. After all it's all that stuff that makes you you and has shaped who you are as a person.

[Jenswaiting]

Thanks Bonfire and Pisces. I know I'm being silly really...it's just that once I start beating myself up I have a hell of a time stopping it.

He hasn't treated me any differently since I've opened up - in fact he was very supportive. The personal issue is something that I don't like about myself and still have issues with, which is probably why I'm feeling this way.

[pisces25]

Have you addressed your issues fully? With a trained counsellor? Unless you do I suppose you will always feel that way.

[Bonfire]

Have you addressed your issues fully? With a trained counsellor? Unless you do I suppose you will always feel that way.

That's a bit grim. People do have the ability to unlock and solve their own insecurities by themselves believe it or not.

[DarkHelmet82]

That's a bit grim. People do have the ability to unlock and solve their own insecurities by themselves believe it or not.

Im seeing a psycholgist myself.. to be honest all its allowing me to do is figure out what is wrong.. They dont give you tips or reasons really.. its pretty much just a big brainstorming session

[Bonfire]

I believe if you rely too much on others for help, you will never be able to learn to help yourself.

[pisces25]

The personal issue is something that I don't like about myself and still have issues with, which is probably why I'm feeling this way.

K maybe a counsellor isn't always necessary but the point I was trying to make is until the issues are resolved she will always suffer from low self-esteem and this will affect how she feels in relationships like what is happening now.

[Jenswaiting]

I have seen a therapist for my issue and for some time I managed it quite well. I suffered a bereavement 15 months ago and have been kind of shaky off and on since then. Prior to this death I hadn't fallen "off the wagon" but since then I have. The therapist I was seeing didn't see it as an issue, I think the reason I'm sensitive about it is that I'm upset for the few times I've fallen, but for the most part I'm rather strong and can manage it. I'm afraid that my new man would see it as a flaw. My need to validate myself through others is my biggest concern really and I want to nip this bugger! I do have a book at home on self-esteem which I plan on reading religiously before the next date...lol! Thanks for everyone's responses.

[devonbrown]

You mention your need to validate yourself through others... The thing is, by the very fact that you acknowledge that you do that, you are well past most people in this regard. Confidence is not just a coat you put on, it is your own skin.

Here is an odd suggestion, but try it and see what you think - Talk to yourself. Not in public obviously. You don't want to get thrown in the looney bin. But when you are alone, talk to yourself. Give yourself validation verbally. Tell yourself what is good about you. Don't say anything negative, keep it all positive.

And believe yourself. Be honest and say anything you can think of. Believe yourself and thus believe in yourself.

Concentrate on you. Be a little selfish. Don't try to make these adjustments because of a date, do it because of you.

Good luck.

[Mcmg]

I have been there and am now living 2 1/2 years into the relationship which my low self esteem and my over analyzing things has damaged so bad. IF I had it to do over, there are so many things I would do differently, but we don't get redos.
My advice to you, relax and just have fun. We can only control our own actions and how we respond to things.
IF I were you, I would keep these or at least the majority of these feelings to myself, to my journal, best girl friends, or counselor.
Try to talk yourself out of things when they come about.

[Jenswaiting]

Thanks Devon for commenting on my self-awareness of the need to validate myself through others. It's been a struggle, especially since this has reasserted itself in this current relationship.

I suppose I'm concerned that the guy I'm dating noticed a difference in me in our most recent date, ie me being self conscious. Being over-analytical I've noticed that he's texting less and they are less affectionate - but he's still texting me a few times a day. I suppose I'm worrying about nothing. Thanks guys for listening to me...feel a bit lame, but better sounding off here than me not being self-aware and sending him needy texts.