i'm not attracted to my fiance anymore

[aviator]

Let me start out by first saying that I am completely head over heels In Love with my Fiancé. I am Truly Blessed to know her, be in her life, and to be Loved in return by her. I adore her, she is my Best Friend a person who I count on, admire, and could not live without. She is funny, smart, caring, and quirky (which is one if not her most endearing quality). It’s her cute quirky personality that I look forward to being around after a bad day.
With that being said… I have an issue. I am no longer attracted to my Fiancé at all. We have been together for 3 plus years and our relationship is healthy in all ways except for physically. I actually have never been this happy in a relationship ever. I hate to sound cliché… but she completes me, I have the most fun when I’m with her and whenever we are apart I can’t wait to be reunited. I am a healthy young man and I am a very visual person, with an extremely high sex drive. As shallow as it may be I would love to be attracted to her. When I first met her she was very attractive but slightly on the skinny side… I have always been attracted to thicker women, but she had some curves and she has a beautiful face. I figured overtime she might put on a few more pounds and to be honest I looked forward to it but it was no big deal. As time went on she has gone from slightly on the skinny side to completely bony. She has lost about 25 to 30 pounds or more… probably more, which doesn’t sound like a lot but since she was small to begin with she looks unhealthy and not sexy at all. I’ve tried to delicately tell her how I feel without putting pressure on her, but she continues to just gets smaller and smaller. It’s uncomfortable to hold her, her bones poke me and it’s hard to find a soft place on her, so physical contact has slowly come to a halt. Needless to say I am never turned on by her and I feel bad when she makes a move and I have to act oblivious, tired, or disinterested.
Cheating disgust me and has never been an option, besides for the physical we are happy, I really don’t know what to do above all else I care for her and worry about her health, she claims that she has not changed but my friends and family have noticed, and I avoid any questions from them about this situation as to not embarrass my Fiancé, any advice is welcome.

[pisces25]

I think first and foremost her health is the most important thing here. You need to try and find out why she is losing weight. Maybe she is picking up on you not feeling attracted to her and therefore feels pressure to lose weight? It may sound silly since you want her to GAIN weight but if she conforms to the Hollywood idea of 'thin is best' it could be that in her mind that is the case. Is she stressed over something? The fact she isn't acknowledging her weight loss is also worrying. I lost 5 kg when I was with my current BF (my frame is small so it doesn't sound like a lot but it was noticable) and I did it because I know he is attracted to real skinny girls so I felt pressure. Anyway when my family and friends kept commenting I would always brush away the comments but I knew in my heart I had lost weight but I couldn't stand the attention and questions they kept asking. Has she deliberately been losing the weight by skipping meals or excercising obsessively?

As for not being attracted to her this is essential in any relationship and for the aforementioned reasons my most recent relationship broke up because my BF wasn't overly attracted to me. He was a little bit, but not enough to make him go crazy. It had a detrimental effect on our sex life and I felt myself turning into someone completely different so I broke it off.

It sounds like you were attracted to her in the beginning so it is possible to get that back but like I said I would concentrate on trying to find out why she is going down the path she is. Sounds like something deeper is going on.

[aviator]

Thank You for your insight I completely agree with you her health is and should be my primary concern. It’s also nice to hear a woman’s input on this matter. I do believe she has picked up on the fact that I’m not attracted to her anymore although I do try to complement her and make her feel loved. Unfortunately and regrettably my actions don’t mirror my words, I just have a hard time with almost all physical contact. She has started a new career so I can attest to her being stressed but this is dramatic weight loss that is very noticeable. You are right I use to be attracted to her and I hope to be attracted to her again in the future, that’s why I’m trying to seek advice. She use to have an hour glass figure with thicker thighs and an cute butt, I will admit that I always harbored secret wishes for her gaining 15-20 pounds but she has gone 25-30 pounds in the opposite direction. I really don’t know what to do… I don’t want to push her away because she is my best friend (our relationship seems less of a romantic one and more and more like a friendship) although the blame on that rest solely on my shoulders, because she tries to initiate things but I have become a master in deflection. I am sorry about your brake up however and I want to do anything possible to not follow the same fate. She has my heart and I could not imagine life without her, I Love her! I just want to be able to hold and cuddle her comfortably.

[tremolo]

When I first met her she was very attractive but slightly on the skinny side… I have always been attracted to thicker women, but she had some curves and she has a beautiful face. I figured overtime she might put on a few more pounds...

She use to have an hour glass figure with thicker thighs and an cute butt, I will admit that I always harbored secret wishes for her gaining 15-20 pounds but she has gone 25-30 pounds in the opposite direction.

I'm sorry, but it strikes me as really inappropriate that you would start dating a woman with the hope that she would dramatically alter her appearance for you. What you want and what you deem beautiful is not necessarily what she does. Why should she pile on the pounds for you if she has no interest in looking that way? 20 pounds is a lot of weight. When I gained 20 pounds a year ago, I felt like crap. There were probably certain guys like yourself who would've liked me better that way, but I absolutely hated how I looked. It wasn't until I lost all that weight - and a little more - that I felt truly good about myself.

You say she's bony, but you haven't actually said whether she is in an unhealthy weight range - only that you are not attracted to how she looks now. Perhaps she will gain some of her old weight back at some point, but I think it's highly unlikely she'll eat and eat and eat until you've decided she's sufficiently thick enough for you. If you wanted a larger girl, you probably should have looked for one in the beginning.

Edit: You do realize that, at this point, you are ideally hoping for her to gain 50 pounds? 50 pounds! That is a *lot* of weight.

[Bella82]

What I can't tell is whether she is anorexic (like she seems to be portrayed here), or if she's just skinnier than you'd hoped for. Either way -- if her bones are poking you, she must be unhealthy, and the focus should be on helping her through this... not exactly b/c you can't find a soft spot on her to cuddle up to. She would also need professional help.

If it's just a matter of her being skinnier, and she's still healthy, I think pisces is right here about finding the root of her problem. . . the reason why she is loosing so much weight. It could be something as straight forward as work stress, or it could be something in your relationship, her family, anything. The thing is, if you don't have a heart-to-heart with her, you won't know the reason and won't be able to help her (and your relationship) through this.

On the other hand, Tremolo is also right about not being able to expect that she would alter her physical appearance for you. That's not fair to her, or your relationship, since you'll never be fully attracted to her.

[Dolmetscher]

Hey Aviator... I totally understand where you are coming from. We've all be told since birth that you cannot control who you are attracted to. It's all "chemistry" right?

All that being said, and believe me... I do understand how you must be feeling; however, the problem is not with her... it is with you man. Well, even that is a bit too harsh. I don't mean that you have a "problem" per se. You certainly have a dilemma. And let me be perfectly clear with this... Man, this is NOT a dilemma that you can solve by yourself or on an internet forum. You need to contact a relationship counselor. You don't even have to tell your fiancee. You need to go by yourself in the beginning. Because this is a very common problem, and it is curable. Trust me, if you leave her because of a physical appearance issue, you WILL spend the rest of your life feeling like a dirt bag. But at the same time, you can't spend the rest of your live feeling like you have to go home to a skeleton.

Just judging by the way you describe everything with so many super dramatic qualifiers, like "she completes me, my best friend, couldn't live with her... etc." it sounds to me like the situation is no way near as bad as you are making it out. She most likely did not lose 25 to 30 pounds, it might have been more like 10-15, and, well... just trust me bro, the issue is in your head. Let me stress this... this is NOT YOUR FAULT. And no one should blame you for feeling this way. Your opinions, feelings, and ideas about her being too thin are completely valid and supported. I am not saying that you are full of siht. or anything like that. I'm just promising you that a good relationship counselor should be able to help you adjust your perspective a little, and that sweet girl you have will shoot right up through the roof in the attraction dept. and you might very well decide that you never want her to gain another pound.

Just please take the time and put the effort in to seek real help. Because you have a VERY curable dilemma.

[pisces25]

My boyfriend went to therapy for his similar issue and whilst it helped changed his perspective a little and things did improve in the bedroom I could never get past the issue that he wasn't completely attracted to me. He openly admitted he was only moderately attracted to me and I felt at the end of the day I wanted a bit more from my partner. I did give it a go though but just ended up feeling like crap knowing how he felt. So yes I can agree you can live it (my BF was willing to) but you also need to keep in mind what the relationship will be like in the future. Marrying someone whilst you have these kind of doubts is not wise.

[aviator]

Thank You all for your comments I actually appreciate it even the slightly negative ones.

To tremolo again thank you, I would like to clarify a few points from my prospective at least. I never expected her to gain 15-20 pounds for me, I just was thinking long term and how most women or well at least a large percentage of women gain weight over time (after 5-10 years). This lead me to believe that I probably would gain in attraction to her as the years went by which is usually the opposite direction attraction goes. I stated that I initially found her very found her very attractive in the beginning if you re-read my original post, I also stated it again in my response to the 1st comment. She has a beautiful face although you can even notice weight loss in her cheeks and her whole face in general. With all that being said I actually agree with you that my feelings are really inappropriate, but for different reasons than you suggest. I feel like scum not being attracted to her because she is truly a Blessing (Caring, Supportive, Nurturing, and all around Great). And to be honest a brake up really isn’t an option for me because I do Love her and I know that overtime attraction goes up and down and is never constant. I do feel shallow for my feelings… but the feelings are still there. You made a great point at the end about realistic weight gain, I just wish things would start to go back to how they were. Another good point was her comfort as was with you I believe she loves her weight loss but still feels compelled to lose even more.

To Bella82, Thank you for giving your perspective. I highly doubt that she is anorexic although she exhibits symptoms like always complaining about being fat even though she started out relatively and has dramatically lost weight. I know she eats and I don’t believe for a second that she is bulimic. She does eat but just not as often or as much as she used to. About her health I really haven’t observed any negative effects, besides for how she looks she seems in overall good health but, even my parents have brought to attention her drastic weight loss and I pretend to them that I haven’t noticed any changes, because I don’t want either one of them to make any comments that might embarrass or hurt her. About it not being fair to her because I’ll never be fully attracted to her, I don’t quite agree with I was initially very attracted to her physically, as well as personality wise. As time has gone on I am more and more attracted to her personality just less and less physically. This was a gradual change over the past year or so, at 1st I just thought that her weight was fluctuating but after a steady decline in the past year plus I’m worried how far this is going to go. And to just clarify I use to be very attracted to her and I do wish to be again one day. I do think what you said about her stress could play a role in it, but I’m just not sure how big of a part to be fair she has started a new career and we are both working hard on wedding plans, but she is most likely more stressed out about wedding plans than I am… I know she is. I just don’t think stress is the root cause, I believe that she has always wanted to be skinny and is either making it a point to lose weight or she is doing it subconsciously, she has not started exercising excessively but I have noticed a loss of appetite on her part.

To Dolmetscher, Thank You for your comment. I do believe I have a curable dilemma, I agree that I should seek help. I don’t believe I was exaggerating her weight loss but it is a drastic change even as I look back in photographs it’s a night and day difference, but has been a gradual change over time. I completely agree with you when you say this situation is not as serious as I make it out to be. I’m just really worried because over the last year and a half my physical attraction to her has gone down the tube. I do feel like you seem to understand the most my feelings on this matter. I cant help what I am and not attracted to, and since she is probably goning to stick with chis change or even get smaller I do need to seek help because it is me and my perceptions that will need to change. This is by no means a deal barker I would never leave her, unless it was her wish and still I’d fight for her because she is one in a million. I just am a little lost I know I should not feel this way… but I do, and I don’t really know what to do about it…

To pisces25, Thank you as well. I sincerely want to avoid a similar fate as your ex, and I don’t want to make her feel like crap either.

Again thank you all for your comments

[aviator]

To Dolmetscher, Thanks again for your insight! I believe that you hit the nail on the head on many areas for my dilemma I appreciate your advice and comment thanks again.

[Cinnabella]

What's the big deal? Many guys loves to have thin gf while you like the big ones, maybe you should have looked for the big girls then instead of falling for her, it's funny cause no one would want to get chubby or fat n to me it makes ppl look unhealthy and ugly, even older than they should be.

Just tell her to eat more to gain her old weight back. Maybe she didn't know that she lost weight or something. But I don't think it's even big to leave a partner. I would never leave my bf over something stupid like him gaining weight n stuff( I like thin guys). Maybe she had some stress and that's why.

Anyway you seem care too much to her appearance like the only thing you care about her is because of her look, sorry if I sound offend.

[aviator]

I don’t think you actually read my complete posts, your comment goes against the whole tone of my post. I actually said this was not a deal breaker and I pointed out that I Love her for who she is (maybe I didn’t clarify that in so many words… but it is largely implied throughout all 3 or 4 of my post on this topic). I never said anything about braking up, nor do I intend to. I was just seeking advice on this topic. Honestly I’m not trying to be harsh either but I think you have completely misunderstood most of what I have written.

[Cerby]

What's the big deal? Many guys loves to have thin gf while you like the big ones, maybe you should have looked for the big girls then instead of falling for her, it's funny cause no one would want to get chubby or fat n to me it makes ppl look unhealthy and ugly, even older than they should be.

Just tell her to eat more to gain her old weight back. Maybe she didn't know that she lost weight or something. But I don't think it's even big to leave a partner. I would never leave my bf over something stupid like him gaining weight n stuff( I like thin guys). Maybe she had some stress and that's why.

Anyway you seem care too much to her appearance like the only thing you care about her is because of her look, sorry if I sound offend.

You usually have constructive things to say cinnabella, but I agree with aviator, I don't think you read his whole post.

The guy obviously loves the girl inside, but she has changed so dramatically on the outside that the attraction has fallen off. I think the solution might be to use the lack of sex as motivation to see a couples counsellor, and then bring out the weight issues there. Its underhanded, but also might just work.

my $0.02.

[MaidenMinx]

You need to TALK to her!!

When my man and I got together I asked him to always be honest with me when it comes to my appearance even if he's worried about hurting my feelings. It hasn't always been easy for him but he is getting better at being honest and I love it because it means I can look gorgeous for him all the time.

Tell her you prefer her with a little meat on her bones. Gently of course, in a way not to hurt her feelings. It sounds like she has a negative self image. You need to reassure her that a lil fat looks better. I used to prefer myself on the skinny muscularly side of things, my partner prefers me a lil overweight. We have come to a compromise where I am now healthy. He'd love me with more boobs, I'd love me with more definition but we have found a compromise and we are both happy.

[tremolo]

I appreciate what you're suggesting MM, but if my partner asked me to gain wait because he preferred a thick girl, I'd tell him he could find himself a new girlfriend.

[MaidenMinx]

If he was silly enough to put it like that I'd leave too!

My perspective comes from the fact that in the 8 years I have been with my man my weight has fluctuated greatly and we have been able to discuss when I looked good and when I didn't. He has actually helped me with my body image and I am finally healthy. (My weight preference is about around 10 kgs under my healthy weight. My partner liked me best after I was pregnant and I had boobs and curves for miles. We have found a happy medium).

Maybe the OP could start with, honey you've been losing a lot of weight and I'm starting to worry about your health. That opens the door to a discussion. Then once they are talking about it and she is responsive to his input he could say, I preferred you before you started losing the weight or I found you more attractive before.

This is something that needs to be discussed though or it's only going to lead to more issues.