Fiance talking to her crazy ex who is still in love with her

[MonoksideC]

My fiance got out of a bad relationship about 6 months before we met. The dude moved to another state but has never stopped sending her crazy texts and facebook messages talking about how he will always love her and will never give up on her.

What is driving me crazy is that she won't tell him to stop, and "feels sorry for him". He is back right now because of a death in his family, and he came to my house with his brother and his bro's wife to see my fiance the other day while I wasn't home. She let them in and even hung out with them for a while! Tonight he sent her this crazy string of texts and she deleted her responses to them. When i confronted her, she lied at first and tried to say that it was his sister she was talking to, and then admitted that it was him and she "didnt say anything out of line" and just didnt want me to trip out. (we both kind of have trust issues from past relationships so we freely allow each other to read our texts if either of us start feeling suspicious over anything - just a way for us to show each other that we have nothing to hide... but that trust is seriously damaged after finding out that she deleted messages that she didnt want me to see..)

She is extremely defensive over this, and thinks that I'm being ridiculous, and that I should just trust her. Not sure what to do, any advice?

[devonbrown]

Whether she had anything to hide or not, the two of you have major trust issues that need to be dealt with.

As for her ex, let her know that it bothers you that she still has contact with him. They aren't friends and pity isn't a reason to keep leading him on. Let her know that it is effecting your relationship so negatively that she is risking it. If she wants to keep risking your relationship then you know what you mean to her. And if she cuts him out of her life, then do your best to work through the trust issues the both of you have.

Good luck.

[kageri]

I think you might be overreacting a little. She probably does just feel sorry for him and doesn't want to hurt him. It's a common problem and it seems girls are even worse than guys about ending things with such people. I don't think it really should be a big deal that she let him visit while he was around. I also think everyone is entitled to some privacy and I often tell my husband he can read the forums I'm on but not my posts. He doesn't need to know every little thing I think or say. He knows I'm not cheating on him or anything and if he thought I was the type of person to talk bad about him he wouldn't be with me. Really if either of us thought the other capable of cheating we'd end the relationship right now. However she does need to make it clear to this guy that she is not available and he does not need to be texting and emailing her all the time. So I find both of you at fault to some extent.

[Wakeup]

Insecurity abounds. You allow each other to look at your phones if you think something suspicious is going on? Wow what a way to live. My hubby and I have never had that type of conversation because we trust one another outright. Neither of us hide our phones or worry about what might be in them but they're certainly there to go through if either of us ever has the urge... So far, the urge has never arisen.

What would be of some concern to me is if I asked him to stop interacting so much with someone and he made excuses not to and turned it around on me as "over reacting" That would be a red flag to me that I'd want rectified or compromised on.

Why don't you ask her why she is so mean. When she asks you what you mean, tell her she leads this man on, gives him hope when she continues to contact him and, by keeping contact she is not giving him a chance to heal and move on... to me, that's very cruel. See what she says. Rather than ask her to stop, make her realize why she should and maybe she'll voluntarily stop.

Besides, if it was such a "bad relationship" why would she want to be friends with someone that treated her badly?

[HeartIsAching]

Insecurity abounds. You allow each other to look at your phones if you think something suspicious is going on? Wow what a way to live. My hubby and I have never had that type of conversation because we trust one another outright. Neither of us hide our phones or worry about what might be in them but they're certainly there to go through if either of us ever has the urge... So far, the urge has never arisen.

Yeah, I was thinking that too... my wife asks me if I need privacy if I take a personal phone call. I always shake my head no, but she always asks. I usually just leave the room and find something else to do if she takes a personal phone call.

If I get a text that's funny or important or something, I'll share with her and vice versa, but if she doesn't, it's none of my business.

That's what trust means.

[MonoksideC]

Thanks for the responses - 2 weeks later and this situation still hasn't resolved itself. This guy just wont go away, and now he's talking about not going back home and just staying here! He has sent her so many messages that border on complete insanity that I dont even know where to start. Ive explained to her how stressful it is, and how her communication with him in any form just gives him false hope and leads him on... She has promised to stop talking to him, but doesn't.

The whole thing is further complicated by the death in his family that brought him here, which was a child that my fiance was also very close to, who they took care of in their past relationship. He's using this to maintain contact with her, and the entire time he is working the sympathy card talking about how he has lost eveything and wants to die. WOW. I have no idea what to do.

As far as the trust issues, yeah we both have them for sure, but being so open has helped us come a long way towards the kind of trust that neither of us thought we would be able to have with anyone ever again, and aside from this incident, we rarely ever even care about nosing into each other's privacy these days, so it has definitely helped.