someone tell me im doin the right thing...

[confused2207]

I'm in this situation with a girl... There is another guy too... We've 'talked' for about 6 months. But I've been sort of the call up when somethin is wrong and get to see her not all the time just occasionally... There has been a lot of problems with the other guy lately, and she has been askin me to hang out more. But before we got into it I wanted ta make sure everythin was in order so to speak. So finally last night we had this long conversation and I said that I wanted ta make sure she knew my intentions of the relationship. I said she knows I'm not in it to be some kind of best friend to her. She said she knows that. I said that I didn wanna get into somethin more in depth if there was nothin there. And then I basically just asked, I said as far as me and you there's either somethin there or there isn't, its black and white. She says its not that easy because there would be if there wasn other guy, but her and other guy are in a weird place right now and she doesn know about it and that she's just really confused.

That's when I said, well, call me when you're not confused because its not fair for me to do this anymore and to be somethin ta you that I can't be. Because you get the best of me and I only get the best of you sometimes and the other times I'm just cleanin up your emotional messes.. She said you're right, started to cry, etc.. And we pretty much left it at that. And I feel like we shouldn talk for awhile. Which I believe is the probably smartest thing to do. But I feel like its gonna suck.

I feel like she knows that if I go she's losin somethin, but too confused to act on it. it sucks because I feel that were so close but that if I don't do this nothin may ever happen because if I don't go away she won't know what she's losing.

Am I doing the right thing?

[Layna]

Yes, that is definitely the best and only thing to do.

[Wakeup]

Yes you're doing the right thing for your emotional well being. Tis better to hurt all at once and heal then to keep picking at the wound and it get infected. Your only mistake was getting involved with her in the first place. Learn from this and stay away from women who are already in a relationship and looking to cheat and have emotional or physical affairs. Same with women and men that are already involved with someone. They're confused people and the last person you want to be with when it comes to romance is someone that is CONFUSED.

Don't hang around waiting for her. Even if she does break up with him, she's still going to be "confused" and that means if he still wants her, he'll be doing to you what you did to him... which is trying his best to steal her away. If on the off chance she does leave him. Make sure she isn't still in contact with him in ANY way before you think you've "won."

[devonbrown]

yeah, you've done the right thing. You told her how you felt. You asked her how she felt. You two weren't on the same road, so it is best to let it be. Sometime, maybe, in the future, you can be on the same road, but look at that situation, if and when it comes, with fresh eyes. Anything that happens with her boyfriend now is going to effect the way she is in the future.

Good luck.

[Incognito]

....
That's when I said, well, call me when you're not confused because its not fair for me to do this anymore and to be somethin ta you that I can't be. Because you get the best of me and I only get the best of you sometimes and the other times I'm just cleanin up your emotional messes..

Dude, that was awesome. Most of the time we are telling guys this [after] the fact, but you realized it. Even more importantly you verbalized it, and at the right time. I really hope that this was the push she needed to get rid of the other guy so that she can get on the road to getting over him and be a true partner to you.

[HeartIsAching]

It seems to me as if you have your head screwed on straight. You have good communications skills, and are perceptive enough to realize what was bothering you, and verbalized it in a clear and unaggressive manner.

You definitely did the right thing.

She's using you as a fallback option, and no matter what, you'll always be her second choice. Someday you'll find a woman that will settle for nothing less than you, and you'll feel that way about her. Until then, have fun, date, live, laugh and love.

[confused2207]

Thanks for the encouragement.

So she has proposed to me going to this concert with her. (Called me at 1 AM while I'm out of town to ask actually). I am inclined to not go because of what I've already said. But I asked who all was going expecting her to name off her group of friends or whatever. Her response was 'well I'm going with you if you're going' this caught me off guard, so I asked who else. She said "ummm... I'm noytsure.... I haven't asked anyone else."

Do I go or don't I? If I had it to do again, I wouldn have answered the phone. But it was late an I was half asleep when the phone started to ring, etc. The only reason I'd consider this is because it is the first time she has really asked me to go out somewhere with her that isn't meeting to eat or meeting at one of our places.

My first inclination is no, for the same reasons as previously listed. I could be being used as someone just to go with. But at the same time it intrigues me that she basically has asked for my company alone with her. I feel like if I went it could end up really good or really bad. If it is me and her goin out together and havin a good time for a night it could be a very good thing. I only think it sounds like that because it would just be me and her, not a group of friends, etc.

I also feel like it could be a very bad idea. If I do go and she stands 3plus feet away all night and we just 'talk' I am going to be angry, with her, myself, and the situation. All over again.

Do I go or don't I? Opinions?

[Wakeup]

Thanks for the encouragement.

So she has proposed to me going to this concert with her. (Called me at 1 AM while I'm out of town to ask actually). I am inclined to not go because of what I've already said. But I asked who all was going expecting her to name off her group of friends or whatever. Her response was 'well I'm going with you if you're going' this caught me off guard, so I asked who else. She said "ummm... I'm noytsure.... I haven't asked anyone else."

Do I go or don't I? If I had it to do again, I wouldn have answered the phone. But it was late an I was half asleep when the phone started to ring, etc. The only reason I'd consider this is because it is the first time she has really asked me to go out somewhere with her that isn't meeting to eat or meeting at one of our places.

My first inclination is no, for the same reasons as previously listed. I could be being used as someone just to go with. But at the same time it intrigues me that she basically has asked for my company alone with her. I feel like if I went it could end up really good or really bad. If it is me and her goin out together and havin a good time for a night it could be a very good thing. I only think it sounds like that because it would just be me and her, not a group of friends, etc.

I also feel like it could be a very bad idea. If I do go and she stands 3plus feet away all night and we just 'talk' I am going to be angry, with her, myself, and the situation. All over again.

Do I go or don't I? Opinions?

What the fk is with all the indecision. I thought you already told her that you'll not be just her friend.. that she should call you when "she's not confused." You pulling our leg here or what? That doesn't really matter. What does matter is that you don't let her pull yours. Shit or get off the pot. Either you're going to be her fall back guy or you're not going to be her fall back guy. YOU have to make up your own mind about your role.

I'll give you a hint: Ask her if the other guy is out of the picture. That should at least help you make up your own mind.

[HeartIsAching]

I still think you're her fallback position, and maybe she's falling back...

OR, she's got lousy communication skills, and this is her way of telling you that she's chosen.

It's also possible that she's ignoring your previous conversation and hoping that you'll continue to do what she wants (be your platonic friend) anyhow.

I think you need to employ your superior communication skills, and ask her unambiguously.

[Incognito]

^^^ I agree totally. You need to bluntly ask her what is going on with the other guy, then base your actions on what she says. Perhaps no contact is in order?

[devonbrown]

I agree. You are going back and forth on your previous declaration. Probably because you like her and want it to work, but you really need to hold to your guns. And ask her outright if the other guy is completely out of the equation. Don't bother trying to guess and figure it out. Just ask her.

[Incognito]

Hopefully this will help your resolve: If you stick to your decision to NOT be with her until she decides to ONLY be with you, you may have won her over and she'll be all yours. If you cave now she may never fully be yours because she'll expect you to cave in the future (i.e. she'll try to keep the situation as it is right now because she succeeded once already and thinks she can do it again if she holds out long enough).

[Anna25]

I concur with the previous posters. She wants to have her cake and eat it too, you are her fallback guy. If she really wanted to be with you, she'd dump the other guy. Save yourself the extended grief and stand behind your decision. Has she dumped him? If yes, great! Let's go. No? "Call back when you do". End of story.