How I'm Going To Get My Ex Back, or At Least Cope Without Her [Feedback Appreciated]

[KingCostello]

Here's the situation. My [now ex-] girlfriend broke up with me two weeks ago. We had been together for five years, since we were fourteen years old. In the last year of the relationship, it had become apparent that she had lost interest in it. Affection from her had become rare. She went on holiday with a friend and didn't want to see me when she got back. On her third day back, I finally got to see her, and she mentioned that she was going out the night after with the aforementioned friend. I argued with her (as I had barely seen her) and she eventually told me that she wanted to be single. She said (and still says) that she loves me, there is no one else, and that she isn't going to get with anyone else.

I had asked her on several occasions when we were together whether everything was OK, and she always replied that it was. I believed her. She was constantly dropping hints about getting married. She had asked me to move in with her (although she lives with her parents), and after convincing me to do so (I was obviously reluctant), she changed her mind. I can see now that she wants some alone time, but I'm still convinced that she'll eventually come back to me.

Without being big headed, I was the perfect boyfriend. I often brought her flowers for no reason. Sometimes I'd leave a rose on her pillow for when she got back from work. I gave her money when she needed it. Bought her a diamond ring for her birthday (I'm a student, so diamond's pretty pricey for me). Never complained when she went out with friends (although I wasn't too keen on her friends, though that's a different story - I'd seen one of them cheating on their boyfriend before). Always listened to her moan about her day, and the 'bitches' at her work. Never complained about the crap she watched on television... even pretended that I liked it at times. I constantly tried to get her to do things with me (such as going out to restaurants, going to bars together etc.), but she never would. Plus, I'm not exactly ugly.

Anyway, the break up. I started off with the embarrassing attempts to get her back. Several long phone calls (and rejected pleas) later, I decided to cut off contact with her. She protested, and said that she wanted to stay friends. Problem was that, during the phone calls, she often told me that she loved me and wasn't looking for anyone else, which doesn't really help me get on with life. Cutting off contact turned out to be too hard, and I missed her like crazy. Now I've devised a plan which gives her time to miss me, and, more importantly, lets me know where I am.

I've told her that I would also like to be friends, but that she'll have to be the one who rings me when she wants a chat. Obviously, I won't be talking about our history. I'm guessing that when she rings me, it's because she misses me. After we've spoken, our emotional needs will probably be satisfied. If I were to ring her, then she'd still get the emotional satisfaction, yet with the impression that the phone call was for my benefit. When she rings me, she'll eventually become aware that she is relying on me for emotional well-being. Hence, she'll become aware that she misses me. By telling her that I won't ring her, she'll never know whether I want to talk to her or not, and so I won't be affecting her decision in calling me.

The problem with talking to her is that she'll get the emotional satisfaction and then be OK for a certain amount of time. However, it's my opinion that small doses hook you more than no doses. I love chocolate, and if someone gives me a small bite of it, I'll want it all. If I'm not exposed to it, I probably won't even think about it. By limiting the conversations to a small time frame (i.e. five minutes a conversation), I believe that she'll want more. Even more than had she never spoken to me.

Another problem with talking to her is that, if she rings me, she'll believe that we speak on her terms. However, by ignoring the phone every now and again, I think I can easily get rid of this belief. By ignoring some phone calls, and, instead of ringing back, sending a simple text message a few hours later (like "Sorry, was busy. What's up?"), I'll appear less desperate. By saying that I was busy, it will hopefully make her think that I have a life, and that I'm not just writing massive posts on love forums. Also, by not specifying what I was busy with, it will hopefully make her (a) endorse thoughts that there's something I'm hiding, like a new flame, and (b) realise that she has no right to know what goes on in my life any more. By not ringing her back, it will suggest that I'm not overly-eager to speak to her.

The desired effect is that she isn't alone enough to completely forget me, yet is alone enough to miss me. If she doesn't ring me, or rather, stops ringing me, at least I know that she's moved on. I know that the best thing to do would be to just move on, but I'm not ready to. Should this plan not eventually get her back, it'll get me used to ignoring her at least . So, worst plan ever or OK? I can't see it harming my case too much... can you?

Oh, and you probably find it creepy that I actually think about my actions this much. I used to play a lot of poker, which kind of leaked out onto my personal life. Whenever I do anything now, I tend to think a few moves ahead, which probably isn't the best way to handle things like this, but meh.

Thanks for bothering to read this, and for replying if you do.

[devonbrown]

Yeah... poker is a game. Life is not. Stop playing games with her.

It is actually pretty simple. You are both young, not even 20 years old yet. She wants to be young. She wants to experience what it is like to be single and young. You should want that too. It is better to discover you want that now than 15 years from now.

Do this instead of your plan - concentrate on your life. Do you own thing. Talk to her when you want to. Don't talk to her when you don't want to. Just go out, have fun, meet new friends, and be young.

[KingCostello]

Yeah... poker is a game. Life is not. Stop playing games with her.

In my opinion, although life isn't a game, rules can be and often are applied. I'm not playing games with her, and I hope my post hasn't implied that I intend to. I've spent over a quarter of my life with her; I'll obviously try anything I can to get her back.

It is actually pretty simple. You are both young, not even 20 years old yet. She wants to be young. She wants to experience what it is like to be single and young. You should want that too. It is better to discover you want that now than 15 years from now.

I completely agree that that's what she wants, and I had hoped that my plan gave her the opportunity. By not ringing her, she won't be tied down by me. However, it does seem that, at times, she simply doesn't know what she wants. For instance, to be single is to rely upon oneself - something that she seems reluctant to do. Hence, I'm left with shattered fragments of hope.

I don't think my age should dictate my wants from life. I'm young, but I know what I want. Of course, I don't know what I'll want in 15 years, but that doesn't really affect me now. If I want to be single in 15 years, I'll be single. I doubt the thought that I was once single when I was 19 will discourage me. Then again, I don't have much of a choice now.

Thanks for the reply. I'll give it some thought

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Limited contact is going to keep you in limbo. You should ignore her, and if she ever asks why you're ignoring her, just tell her you want all contact between you to stop unless she wants to reconcile the relationship. Do not respond to anything after that unless it starts with, "I want to get back together."