Needing some advice...

[RainbowPower]

Sigh, where do I begin?

My friend, lets call her Kate, introduced me to this amazing woman, lets call her Rachel, back in Jan, 2010. We hit it off instantly. I was about to turn 19, and she was 20, and she had a child. After a week of knowing each other, our friends created an awkward situation, and we found out we liked each other because of them. That night she had to stay the night with me because she was locked out of her house... We stayed up until 5 in the morning just talking about random stuff. She got locked out of her house frequently, because she was living with her cousin at the time. If she didn't get home at a certain time, they would lock the doors and she wouldn't be able to get in… Sometimes I wondered if she did it on purpose so she could stay the night with me.

After a month of getting to know each other, and to grow to really like one another, she asked me out. I was ecstatic. We grew close. She was my best friend. We’d text for hours upon hours. We’d get so distracted with each other when we were together. We’d want to watch a movie, but ended up just sitting there bullshitting.

I ended up moving into the basement of my house, and I turned a small area of it into her daughter’s area. It was like our own little apartment.

After about 3 months, I told her “it’s not like I want to run off and marry you, but I do love you.” She didn’t say it back, she just kissed me passionately… Nothing changed. We were still close. One night she told me “I just want you to know that I never say ‘I love you’ to anyone without meaning it” “that’s perfectly understandable. I’m not expecting you to say it any time soon, take your time hun.”

Then she started getting distant… Things got really intense (in a good way) between us… then she started pulling herself away. She then came over at round the end of July, saying she needed to talk to me about something. I knew instantly she was going to break up with me. When she showed up, everything was fine. We still rough housed, she was trying to cheer me up. Then she told me that she didn’t see us working out with her having a full time job, about to get another job, start school and on top of that take care of her child. I was crushed. She sat there with me while I asked questions. She asked me if I wanted her to leave, I told her no… and she still stayed. She tried to cheer me up as much as she could, but then she had to leave to go get her child. I called Kate and let her know what happened, and she immediately came over with a bottle of rum. I didn’t want to drink, but she pressured me into it.

I always had a suspicion she liked her best friend. Well, a month after we broke up, she tested him to see if she liked him. Well, she ended up pregnant. She was going to break it off with him, but when she found out she was pregnant, she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t tell me that they were dating until 3 weeks later. She said she didn’t know how I’d take it. Well, with me being in love with her still, I didn’t take it very well. But instead of lashing out at her, I just proceeded to stop talking to her. About a month afterwards, she started to try to talk to me again. I wasn’t really responsive because I was still deeply hurt. We got into a fight because I wasn’t talking to her, and she ended up telling me the real reason why we broke up. “as much as I liked you, I wasn’t in love with you. And I asked Kate how I should break up with you, and she said I should lie. I’m sorry.” I then, stopped talking to her again.

Another month went by, so it was about November, and she asked if she could come by and drop my stuff off that she still had. I said yes. That’s when she told me she was pregnant. I was in shock that she got pregnant a month after we broke up… So, I started talking to her less and less, to the point that we didn’t talk at all again. Every now and then, she’d message me to see how I was and give me an update on her life. She told me she was engaged, and I, again, was shocked. We always talked about how we’d wait at least 5 years to marry someone. But, there she was, only had been dating him for 7 months.
About 2 weeks before she had her baby, she started talking to me a lot more. She even came over to give me a game, and showed me her engagement ring. I always thought she didn’t care about me, but just by her showing up and hanging out with me showed me otherwise.

She sent me a picture of her baby when she had him, and we kept talking a lot after that. She ended up getting married in June, 4 weeks after her son was born because her now husband is in the military, and had training to go to this month. Since he’s been gone, I’ve been over at her house plenty of times. She told me a lot of things.

Her husband is extremely controlling, emotionally and mentally abusive. He told her she can’t hang out with certain friends. She can’t look at other girls (I’m a girl, to make that more clear), yet he can go to strip clubs and hit on other girls. He wants her to dress feminine and wear makeup all the time, because “that’s how my other girlfriends were.” He doesn’t want her pursuing her dream job, which is to be a nurse, because she’d be making more money than him. He doesn’t want her expressing the fact that she is bisexual, because he feels like she’s keeping her options open. He took most of her money, and put it on the payment of his car, which left her with pretty much no money. He didn’t even ask, he just took. Only 2 days out of their relationship, he hasn’t called her a cheating whore. They haven’t even been together for a year. He’s forceful with her about sex. She sometimes has to fight him off of her. He will stick his penis in her face all the time, trying to get her to give him head, when she has a huge phobia with penis, and he knows that. She told him she was done with that, and he proceeded to tell her to divorce him because “you’d be better off with a woman.”

When her son was born, she practically died because of complications. Ever since then, her husband hasn’t held him more than 15 times, and he’s 11 weeks old. Granted, he hasn’t been there for the last 3 weeks because of his training, but he hasn’t held him because he hates his son. He holds a grudge against him for almost killing Rachel. Rachel would sob and beg him to hold their son, but he’d just say “the more you pressure me, the more I’m not going to. Deal with it.” She had to have a c-section, so her husband would have to help her up off the couches. He got 2 weeks off of work to help her out. Well, 4 days before he went back to work, he stopped helping her up, and told her “you’re just going to have to get used to me not being around” and would walk away.

The weird part? She loves him. She’s in love with him. She knows the relationship won’t last, but she’s still with him. She was going to leave him on their wedding night, but he got up, blocked, and locked the door, and begged her to stay with him. She regrets marrying him, but doesn’t want a divorce on her record. She also doesn’t want him blabbing about their sexual life if they break up, like he does with all of his other exes. She also thinks she deserves everything he puts her through, for everything she’s done, and everyone she’s hurt in her lifetime.

The first night I stayed at her house, she got really drunk and was sobbing because of what her husband was doing to her. It broke my heart. Out of nowhere, she grabbed me and pulled me into a hug, and just stayed like that for a minute, then when she let go, she said “awww… I’m really sad now” I didn’t question her, but it was interesting.

After going over there a couple more times, she started talking to me about our relationship. The other reason why she said she broke up with me, is because I accepted everything she was. I never had a complaint. I never tried to control her, and it freaked her out. Then, she went on to say that she thought I deserved better than what she was giving me. She also said another issue was, we never fought. She likes to fight in her relationships, because that’s the only thing she’s used to. She told me “I really wish I could have fallen in love with you. I really really wish I did. I tried, but I wasn’t used to how you were treating me.” She told me she really did care about me, and she is so sorry about breaking up with me. And she kept saying that she really liked me, and always wanted to be with me, but didn’t know how to balance her time with always wanting to be around me. I guess she was just scared of actually being happy.

We also found out that Kate wasn’t truthful. Kate told her that I wanted to get really drunk to forget everything when, as I said, she pressured me. After a couple of months, Kate told her that I was sleeping with a lot of people, and was moving on just fine. Another thing she did? Rachel was concerned that I was in love with her, and went to Kate about it. Rachel thought she should break up with me because of it, but she liked me too much to just break it off. Kate told her she should break up with me and get it over with. That was a week before I told her I loved her. When I did tell her, Kate told her I wanted to marry her right then and there, which scared the hell out of Rachel.

I’m the only friend she has that actually talks to her. I’m all she has besides her children. Kate is not reliable and just disappears randomly. She said that she fought to keep me as a friend, because I was the only one who cared. She texts me all the time, now. She called me today because she was lost driving home from a different city, and needed emotional support.
I’m just really confused as to what is going on. She talks about how he is all the time, but turns around and tells other people that he’s so amazing and he misses her. I understand abuse, but it’s really hard when it’s someone who I love and care about that’s being abused.

I love her, and I’d instantly be with her again, but I guess I’m just asking for someone’s unbiased opinion as to what’s going on.

[MaidenMinx]

Wow! What a story. That's a lot to digest...

What is Kates sexual preference? And are you bi or gay?

Rachel sounds like she's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. I feel for her, because no one deserves to be treated like she says she's being treated. She admits to enjoying a fight though, which to me translates to a love of drama. I hate to say it but I doubt she would ever be able to be properly with you long term. Her love of drama will send her looking for someone, most likely a guy, to spice things up. It sounds like she is desperate for some true friendship but that's always going to be hard on you while she's so confused.

I mean, what type of person locks themselves out all the time? And even if she wasn't, who thinks that is a reasonable excuse to use frequently?

[RainbowPower]

It is a lot to digest, and it sucks, lol. Thank you for reading it.

Kate is gay. And I'm gay too. Kate told Rachel and I a couple days ago that we are her dream girls, because we were picking on her about her girlfriend looking like me, and acting like Rachel. It really freaked both of us out, needless to say. I'm almost positive that Kate tried to ruin our relationship even more so because she was jealous that we were happy.

Very true, she does love drama. The thing with the guy though, is she doesn't really like guys. She prefers women over men. But, I can see where you're coming from.

Ahh, sorry, I should edit that part and explain a bit better. She was living at her cousins house, and they had a curfew of like midnight or something like that, I can't really remember. They didn't give Rachel a key, so if she was locked out, she was locked out. There would be no way for her to get in. She also really wanted to get out of her cousins house, and she even said she saw her husband as a way to get out, asked him to be roommates with her, yet at that time they were just best friends. She pretty much got stuck with him by getting pregnant and not knowing how to leave him because of how he guilt trips her.

[Kyeema]

I think your friend needs a lot of growing up to do. That's something you can't do for her, not even help her with if she doesn't want to grow as a person herself and change her situation - and I'm sorry, but by what you write, it seems she doesn't...

Of course you're very concerned about her, but please make sure she is not getting emotional abusive towards you by sucking you into her drama and playing with you, your good heart and your love for her because you make her feel better... it's just a feeling I got when I read your post...

Take care!
Kyeema

[MaidenMinx]

I agree with Kyeema.

As much as Rachel has a preference for girls, she still likes guys. Why did she need a guy to get her out of her situation? Or is she like my mum and pretending to have an element of straightness because that is the more acceptable option? I feel that this is an important part of the equation for the following reasons.

You are emotionally invested in this girl. You know you are gay and you are content with that. It sounds to me that Rachel believes only a man will be able to provide for her. (was there any reason she couldn't move in with you?) It also sounds like she thinks only a man would be a suitable other parent for her children. It really sounds to me like she's playing straight because it's what she thinks people expect of her. And while this might sound positive to you, it means that while she is probably at her core gay, she is too worried about how she is percieved to be herself. That could mean potential heart ache for you.

Now that I have expressed my opinions on her sexuality, I think you need to be wary. I know you love her, but I also think she is a bit of an energy vampire. I'm not saying have nothing more to do with her, because if she's as lonely as you say she'll need you and as you love her you won't be able to ignore her. Just be careful. She has the ability to hurt you and I wouldn't put it past her to do that if it suits her because she does love the drama. Kate sounds like a piece of work too.

[RainbowPower]

Kyeema, I agree with you, there. She thinks he will change, but at this rate, he’s never going to. She wants a fairy tale family, but is realizing it’s not working out that way.

Oh, I know she’s not being abusive towards me. I know she needs someone to talk to, because all of her other friends have just disappeared. I pretty much just sit there and let her talk about everything that’s bothering her.

MaidenMinx, Very good point. I know she couldn’t move in with me because my mom is a raging bitch, and destroys any happiness she can. I wouldn’t want Rachel and her daughter around that all the time. And, I didn’t have a job. In my town, it’s really hard to get a job, even at a McDonalds. She very well could be playing straight, especially to keep him happy. She does anything she can to keep her husband happy.

I think I’m already very wary about what her motives could be besides being my friend. And yeah, she can be a huge energy vampire sometimes. I have my guard up for the most part.

The interesting thing is, I was pretty much over her, until we started talking more, and she wanted me to come over, and just by everything she has said. I know I’m probably just seeing things I want to see and hearing things I want to hear.

[HeartIsAching]

Her love of fighting, concern over your lack of complaints and the fact that you never fought wasn't because of a "love of drama". It's because she came from an abusive background, and that's what she was socialized to believe was normal in relationships. It sucks, but that's what it is. I struggle with this myself.

Her husband is indeed an abusive, controlling asshole, and he's not going to get better without help... but neither will she.

You do need to cut her out of your life, and I'd recommend that you cut Karen out too. Karen is toxic - she's interfering in your relationships, whether maliciously or because she wants to get something (Rachel, you, whatever) out of it. Whatever, she's toxic.

[MaidenMinx]

I will admit my phrase love of drama was a deliberate replacement for addiction to stress. I can relate, but once I got over my anger issues the dramas seemed to dissipate. Often they were self made, as in I made mountains out of mole hills, or I stayed where the stress, drama and abuse was because I thought I was comfortable there. I still am addicted to stress but I no longer need negative scenarios to fill that need. I find myself bored if I'm not stressed so I just lump a huge project on myself (right now I am planning a delayed wedding reception, 2 birthday celebrations and I am preparing the house for the start of renovations). Because I assign myself positive projects I deal with the stress better and I also know if I allow myself to get bored I get depressed and I'm much more fun when I am positively stressed than when I'm mopey and don't want to do anything.

But back to the thread at hand. I do agree with HIA about losing Karen. She sounds scarily manipulative. Not friend material. It also sounds like you need to get away from your mum too. I will admit it appears that this would be no easy feat.
Rachel does sound toxic and I do agree with HIA about cutting her out of your life, but at the same time I am certain that that is not something you could consider lightly. People in her place do need support and help, but at the same time it sounds like she just wants you to be there to feel sorry for her and the mess she put herself in. How much energy can you spare because she will take it all.

It's hard watching someone you care about show such a blatant lack of self -respect (and in Rachels case a lack of self preservation also). I'm currently watching my best friend go through an amazing amount of shit to try and get someone back who has told her that he finds her annoying, doesn't really care for her any more and will never trust her again. For at least 6 weeks I've heard so many times "I'm sure it's over" followed indirectly by "He is my boyfriend" that I am almost at the end of my tether with her. I actually asked her last time she was telling me the cruel things he said to her "Why the hell do you still want to be with him?" "Because I love him." she said "How do you leave someone you love?" I was stunned and couldn't believe she still couldn't see that the relationship is over. "What about your love for yourself?" to which she replied "if he wants to leave me, why can't he just say it? I'm not going to give up" I feel like slapping her... whoops sorry about the digression there. All I was trying to say was that I've gotten to a point with my best friend, after 10+ years of friendship, where I am so drained from trying to keep her emotionally bolstered I almost feel like telling her to either grow up or **** off because I have other people that need my energy too and, well damn it, I am one of them (Ok I have to apologise again. I think I might start my own thread about this friendship)

Just remember to look after you. I think that was my point.