How to forgive his drunken mistake?

[Hopecottage]

Hi there, this is the first time I have posted, thankyou in advance

I am in a real mess. My boyfriend and I have been together since 19. I am his first girlfriend, we moved in together, along with three other friends, straight after uni.

We have just both hit 25. About three months ago, he got in with a new crowd of work friends, and started enjoying a social life beyond our shared circle for the first time since we got together (something I have always been lucky enough to have anyway)

He started going out with them more and more, always drinking, making it clear girlfriends were not invited to work things, and being hungover when and if we did have time together. Stupidly, because I was scared bring up what was happening would definitely finish us, I ignored it. One night, he got home at 5am, so drunk he could barely speak. The next day he was weird. He told me he had kissed a work colleague the night before, and that he did it as he was freaking out. He 'wasn't sure' about us, because he had never had a chance to be an adult on his own, he kept thinking about how tied down he was and all the stuff he'd missed out on, like travelling (he knows I would never have stood in his way of that; thats another issue though!).

I moved out the flat straight away. Within three days he wanted me back, was sorry, ready to
Commit, and could we get our own place in 6 months when my new lease ran out please?

He is basically offering everything I want. He is the sort of guy who doesn't make
Decisions lightly, and I trust that this 'freak out' has clarified things for him. It's hard to be with someone for so long, especially for a boy! I know he won't cheat again, people make mistakes and ibkbow ge has learnt from it.

I want to forgive and forget but I can't. I picture it constantly. Wonder if he looked at her like he does at me etc etc. I know it happened because they found themselves alone at a bus stop (he had never had a conversation with her before that night), she divulged some personal secrets, he asked why she was doing that, she said 'because I like you' he said 'I like you too' and they then kissed 'for a second'. I just can't work out if it was emotional, or a friendly thing that went too far. I'm not sure it even matters.

I can't go on with this in my head, but I so badly want it to go away. Anyone any advice on how to deal with this? Has anyone worked through something similar?

Thank you xx

Ps sorry for typos, I am on holiday at the moment; using my iPhone! xx

[oldskool83]

well, he felt guiltly, most people who run around dont.

2nd he told you next day once he was sober nuff to speak.

3rd, it could of been a friendly kiss he felt horrible over. Look at it this way, i went to a g/fs party at her parents once. i walked in the door gave her mom a hub cuz her mom always liked to hug me and with in a slipt seconda later her mom was kissing me...

it might of been on the them oddly harmess crap i cant get outta this moments, for me no one cared, i thought it was funny cuz the mom was way past gone but i was in the drunk hug grip of death.

i dont think he would of dont it sober, from what you have said he is having way to much guilt. if a random drunk girl kissed me at the bar out of the id excuse it, if somone asked me can i kiss you id decline.

id pass this off, worse shit happens...but id say from now on he has a wingman to go with him or he dont go to funtions like that.

[bulrush]

My boyfriend and I have been together since 19. I am his first girlfriend, we moved in together,

That's always a bad sign. My rule is a person should date 20 people before getting married. That way you know what's out there, and are pretty sure you didn't get stuck with inferior goods.

This guy hasn't lived life, and he said that directly to you. That is a red flag. I think he will cheat again, even though he was honest with you this time.

[lahnnabell]

That's always a bad sign. My rule is a person should date 20 people before getting married. That way you know what's out there, and are pretty sure you didn't get stuck with inferior goods.

This guy hasn't lived life, and he said that directly to you. That is a red flag. I think he will cheat again, even though he was honest with you this time.

I agree. I used to think every guy was "the one" when I was young. It's easy to get caught up in routine, especially when you're in college or school. That's at least 4 years of life right there, and keeping a steady BF or GF is sometimes way easier than questing for a lay. You have the comfort and reassurance of your SO to combat the stress of finals and papers and to enjoy the college experience with. BUT more often than not people begin to find different avenues after that graduation. Especially in this economy where a lot of people have to compromise and move to where the jobs are.

This is a red flag that you should not ignore. I think that you moving out what a great first step. Perhaps, you guys can consider dating, but I would continue to give him the space. He misses you, yes, because you're comfortable and familiar. If you give him a couple more weeks, he won't be as devastated and he'll be fine. That sucks to hear, but he's beginning to realize that life doesn't end and begin with his relationship. There is more out there.

[Hopecottage]

Hmm well although it was only a second it wasnt friendly. He was having doubts about our relationship. When she came on to him, he saw an opportunity to self destruct our relationship by saying he liked her too and kissing her. He didnt think about the pain it would cause me, just that it would give him a way to get out and stop all his 'not sure about committing' crap.

I realise that it might have been that he was lost without me rather than him really wanting me, but he is a very moral guy (which is why what he did is so odd) and he finished it because he didnt think it was right to stay with me if he wouldn't be able to commit eventually. He feels a lot of pressure to get it just right. I don't think he would be lying and telling me he wanted this stuff now if he wasn't 100 percent sure. Everyone has doubts and niggles, but his inexperience allowed them to get out of control.

So I don't think he will repeat his mistake, and I desperately want to stop obsessing. But I don't know how to do it. Any ideas?

[lahnnabell]

You most likely won't stop obsessing. And I think you need to be more discerning about this situation. I know you don't want to lose him, but it's going to take more than a 24-hour period for there to be some real thought behind your decision.

Are you even truly sure she came on to him? What if it was the other way around?

[wanttofixit]

Give him a chance. As long as you still love each other you will be able to get through it. It will hurt for a while, but if you both work on it (you forgiving him, and him, regaining your trust), you will be just fine

[lahnnabell]

Give him a chance. As long as you still love each other you will be able to get through it. It will hurt for a while, but if you both work on it (you forgiving him, and him, regaining your trust), you will be just fine

Have you ever been through a successful situation like this? As in your BF or GF essentially cheated on you, and then began to question the relationship...? How long did it take for things to be "fine" again? I've seen too many of these problems where one person begins to feel trapped. Their feelings don't just go away. They either end up cheating again, or staying faithful for years until they have a midlife crisis.

[Hopecottage]

Yes, I know for certain she came onto him. I haven't actually lost any trust in him. He didn't say she did, he told mr the facts of the evening, and it she said 'I really fancy you and have for a while' at which point they kissed. He then left me, and we spent a month apart. He doesnt feel trapped into staying with me, as I refused to take him back for month whilst he begged me. We've now been back together two months and ive threatened to leave him a number of times. Each time he has begged me not to. I don't think
it's him feeling trapped, I think it's him realising he wanted this all along. Call me naive, but everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has niggles from time to time, his inexperience meant he blew them out of proportion.

I didn't think the kiss was even significant at first-everyone is allowed one mistake so long as they learn from it. It's just recently stated to bother me, and I need help on trying to move past it I guess xxx

[lahnnabell]

There is no easy way to get past it. You having problems again is rooted in distrust. If it weren't, there what would the problem be? There wouldn't be one. Anyone else have any input?

[lisapenn]

I think that if you really decided you want to forgive, you will be able to do it, but deciding it is not enough. This is from an article about how to forgive, hope it helps:

"How to Forgive a Spouse for Cheating

You probably realize by now that you can’t just “decide” to forgive. It doesn’t work. Forgiveness takes time and work if you want it to be real and deep. The work starts with step no. 1 – Acceptance.

The work you have to do starts with acceptance. Acceptance is the road you take on your way to forgiving. Without this critical first step it is very hard to achieve real and sustaining forgiveness. It will allow you to cope with your anger, anxiety and help you rebuild the trust again.

What does Acceptance mean?

It means to accept the terrible events that happened to your relationship. It’s not something to take for granted – a betrayed person can spend most of his time shocked. You feel amazed that this thing happened to you and how did it happen behind your back when you were certain that everything is o.k.

You have to get past the initial denial. You can’t undo this reality. You can’t go back to what used to be – and if you are honest with yourself – you know that things weren’t so great.

Accepting means realizing that forgiveness will not happen in a day, or a week, or even a month. Take that pressure off yourself. These awful feelings will not disappear in a day. Accept that and don’t try to ignore it or “just get over it”. It will only make things worse.

What to Do After Acceptance?

When you really accept your situation you are saying to your self – “I don’t like what happened. I don’t like the feeling the way I do but I am willing to tolerate it so I can move on and work on a better relationship than ever.

Once you are able to do that, you will be able to move forward to the next steps – work through your anger, get rid of obsessive images and negative thoughts, and even rebuild the trust back to your relationship."

[MaidenMinx]

lahnnabell, in my experience it is completely normal to question things from time to time, especially if you are lucky enough to have found someone you can spend the rest of your life with straight off the bat. Jeez I was 23 when I got together with hubby and I still wondered if I was settling too early. At some point the quest for perfection has to stop.

Bulrush, what if the 5th person you date is the most awesome person you have ever met? Would you really let that go because of inexperience.

OP, I completely agree with the article of acceptance posted above. This is a pot hole not a detour. Accept, let go and move on.

[lahnnabell]

lahnnabell, in my experience it is completely normal to question things from time to time, especially if you are lucky enough to have found someone you can spend the rest of your life with straight off the bat. Jeez I was 23 when I got together with hubby and I still wondered if I was settling too early. At some point the quest for perfection has to stop.

Bulrush, what if the 5th person you date is the most awesome person you have ever met? Would you really let that go because of inexperience.

OP, I completely agree with the article of acceptance posted above. This is a pot hole not a detour. Accept, let go and move on.

Well, that's the problem... Inexperience. Her BF hasn't really had a solid opportunity to venture out and truly find out if he's found his best match. Many women blind themselves to this truth by investing so much emotion into a guy that they can't see beyond those emotions. It takes a truly rational person to see the bigger picture. I'm not getting down on him for questioning things, but I am telling her that it points to a potential ongoing problem if not addressed and dealt with rationally.

Example: When my ex moved across the country last year. Emotionally, we wanted to stay together. More than anything. Rationally, we knew we couldn't do it. The distance was too great and there was no telling if we would be closer to each other in the near future. Best thing was to break up, as sad as it was.

[MaidenMinx]

Oh for sure. I completely agree.

I just wanted to make sure you weren't completely doom and glooming her.