Need unbiased opinions on recent break-up all!

[Introspection]

Hello all. I am new to these forums but I'd like to say, as a disclaimer, that I've been a member of another relationship advice site for many years and have come here for a completely unbiased opinion on my last relationship and its demise. So if this story sounds familiar to any other forum hoppers out there, that may be why. I will try to keep this as short as possible but more details certainly available upon request.

That said, here's the deal. Early last November, after five years of casual dating but no serious prospects, I was set up on a blind date with a friend's co-worker. I wasn't expecting much but we met for drinks and I was pleasantly surprised. He was in his early 30s, and I think it's noteworthy to say that he was not just passable in the looks department but very attractive, as in 6'2, nice body (athletic,) educated and in a respectable profession (we are in the same professional field, btw.) I was actually stunned by my luck and quite pleased when he e-mailed me later on asking if I'd have dinner with him the next week. During that second date, I became aware that he used certain phrases and mannerisms that one might call stereotypically feminine...obviously, not a red flag in the slightest but noticeable enough that I mentioned it to a few friends of mine as noteworthy. These traits would become apparent all throughout the relationship but I figured there are all kinds of people in the world and I'm not going to make assumptions. During the first month of dating he would e-mail me about once a week to make plans for our next date, and we'd see each other once a week. It was a nice, steady progression, though I sometimes wondered if it was unusual that he didn't really try to contact me in between dates at all. Still, it was only a month so I figured different strokes for different folks.

So time went on, and I noticed during our second month of dating that frequency of contact didn't really increase. I worried a little but he was still consistent so I went along with it. At one point, I asked him if he'd like me to come over to his apartment with a few beers and meet him before a dinner out since I hadn't yet seen his place. He said no, he'd prefer to meet me elsewhere. So I figured either he's old fashioned or he's married, but either way we were taking it slowly so I figured the truth would come out eventually. Things continued this way. He invited me to his company holiday party as his date and I finally stayed at his apartment for the first time that night. We did some serious making out but when I tried to take things further he told me I was too drunk. OK, fair enough. I stayed the night anyway. The next week he invited me over and offered to cook for me. I accepted gladly, but after dinner he once again declined to take things to "the next level" with me, citing an upset stomach. OK, once again, fair. Once again, stayed the night. Things continued this way still, with me staying over a couple more times and trying to take things further and him declining citing various physical ailments or exhaustion. Finally, I asked if we were waiting for something in particular, because that was cool and all but I just wanted to make sure everything was kosher. He said everything was fine, it had just been bad timing. We then spent NYE together and that night we finally did the deed. No hanging from the chandeliers there but hey, it had been two months and I was glad it had finally gone forward.

Things continued at this pace now; still the occasional e-mail once or twice a week, hanging out maybe once or twice a week. Not very often at all, hence not much opportunity to get attached or physically intimate. But we both worked a lot and lived about an hour away from each other so I didn't get too bent out of shape about it. We became "official" around the three month mark, he introduced me to his friends and his mother, told me how much everyone loved me and how special and amazing I was. I was invited to his mother's home for the holidays and I met the entire family. He told me that his romantic past had been littered with drama and that the only "serious" relationship he'd ever had was with a woman who was 6 years his senior (he was in his mid 20s at the time) when they both lived in another state. That had lasted about a year and a half and a large part of it had been long distance. His description of that relationship changed every time he brought it up; once, he said he always knew it wasn't a long term thing because of the age difference; the next time, he said he would have married her eventually if things had worked out. So I wasn't even sure what to believe. As for his other "relationships" they had mostly been short (around 2-4 months) and either full of drama or had simply fizzled out quickly. He said he loved how cool and collected I was and how I was such a refreshing change from all of those girls in his past, who allegedly wanted to marry him two weeks into the relationship.

Eight months passed and things were fine. We took a Memorial Day weekend away together, attended an out of state wedding in mid June together, spent the 4th of July weekend at his place. Oddly, our physical intimacy had dropped in frequency once again to about twice a month, which I would have taken as a red flag if the relationship hadn't started off with such a lack of physical intimacy. I just figured he had seen that physical intimacy was important to me and gone along with it, but was now settling back into his natural state. I let it be and figured we'd approach the topic again if it went on for too long. I then took a business trip out of state for the weekend and when I got back, I had trouble getting in touch with him. Out of the blue, he called me a few days after I got back into town and told me he wanted to end the relationship! I was shocked. We had never argued, he had never expressed dissatisfaction with anything I did or didn't do, I gave him space and time (which he claimed to be happy with,) we got along rather well and had a lot in common. I asked whether there was any chance we could work things out. He said no, he felt as though we had become just friends and his gut was telling him this was the end of the road for us. He said he'd been having doubts for a "few weeks" but had been able to really think about it during our weekend apart. I just sucked it up and said OoooooK then, your loss, have a nice life. Walked away with my dignity intact and haven't spoken to him in the three weeks since.

So I guess that covers the important facts though I left a lot out (amazingly!) in an effort to avoid writing the next great American novel. So what do y'all think? He was WAY too good looking and desirable to be single in his 30s and yet not looking to get some "play" from the girl he's dating (i.e. not much of a playa though he had the capability to be.) I suspected all along (and even more so now) that he may have been hiding psychological or sexual preference issues...but not sure where to go with that. Ideas, anyone? What the heck went wrong here?!

[Wakeup]

What the heck went wrong here?!

The fact that you ignored as many red flags as a communist pep rally throughout the entire course of the relationship. DON'T do that every again. Ask or get out before they hurt you emotionally or dump you unexpectedly. Your gut was trying to tell you all kinds of things that you brushed off. Whats the point in have intuition if you don't heed it?

WTF is wrong with him is neither here nor there at this point.

[pisces25]

WTF is wrong with him is neither here nor there at this point.

Totally agree. He wasn't right for you and you may never know the reasons. Move on to find someone more compatible who has a similar view on life and relationships as you. His loss.

[Introspection]

Hahaha Wakeup, love the communist pep rally analogy. Both you and pisces bring up good points...the question is, when apparent red flags are balanced out by behavior that indicates a desire to have the relationship continue and grow (i.e. agreeing to be exclusive, meeting the family and friends, vacations together, etc.) which side does one focus on? People are not ready-made for one another and there will always be a bit of confusion at the beginning of any relationship...so when does someone's apparent quirks become bona fide red flag material?

[DarkHelmet82]

I think it depends on what the red flags are personally... My ex was bipolar, used to be an alcoholic, and was previously engaged after 7 months. I ignored those red flags and now we are not together. Red flags like that are signs to run.. But I dont think you should make EVERYTHING a red flag. Not sure if that makes sense.

[jb1111983]

As I read your post I kept thinking 'he's gay, he's gay' lol right from when you said you thought he used feminine phrases and mannerisms!

I agree with other posters that you should never ignore the red flags. If it ain't feeling right, it probably isn't right. Now don't bother yourself with what could be the reason for the breakup. The truth is we can only guess but only he knows what made him change his mind or if he was ever serious about the relationship which frankly I doubt he was.

[RebeccaOverseas]

I kept thinking, "he's gay, he's gay", when I was reading your post, but we never really know what is going on with other people, do we?

It sounds to me like you just weren't a good match.

[DarkHelmet82]

maybe hes a pillow biter.. nothing you did wrong

[Wakeup]

Hahaha Wakeup, love the communist pep rally analogy. Both you and pisces bring up good points...the question is, when apparent red flags are balanced out by behavior that indicates a desire to have the relationship continue and grow (i.e. agreeing to be exclusive, meeting the family and friends, vacations together, etc.) which side does one focus on? People are not ready-made for one another and there will always be a bit of confusion at the beginning of any relationship...so when does someone's apparent quirks become bona fide red flag material?

When a red flag (otherwise known as one's gut screaming at you) pops up, it's time to have a discussion about what's eating at you. If after the discussion the person keeps disrespecting you and you keep being unhappy, or nothing changes for the better, then that is a bonafide red flag and it's time to get outta dodge. If they won't change what upsets you early on when they're on their best behaviour, then they sure as shit ain't gonna change it when they know they have you sewed up and all starry-eyed over them. Never be afraid to talk about what your gut is trying to get you to clarify. Ya see?

[Introspection]

maybe hes a pillow biter.. nothing you did wrong

Ha! That's one way of looking at it....

[Introspection]

As I read your post I kept thinking 'he's gay, he's gay' lol right from when you said you thought he used feminine phrases and mannerisms!

I agree with other posters that you should never ignore the red flags. If it ain't feeling right, it probably isn't right. Now don't bother yourself with what could be the reason for the breakup. The truth is we can only guess but only he knows what made him change his mind or if he was ever serious about the relationship which frankly I doubt he was.

Yes, I initially considered omitting the "feminine phrases and mannerisms" part of this story because it seems sort of leading...but then I figured that if I had described his actions this way to my friends and family from the start, there had to be some basis for that description, and not putting it in my OP would be render it somewhat inaccurate.

So I did.

But I see your point. Of course we can only guess but it does seem to me, looking back, that he wasn't completely serious about things from the start.

[Introspection]

I kept thinking, "he's gay, he's gay", when I was reading your post, but we never really know what is going on with other people, do we?

It sounds to me like you just weren't a good match.

Thanks for chiming in!

I do agree with the not a good match possibility (by process of elimination; after all, there were no arguments or outside circumstances involved.) However, we're talking about (I repeat) a VERY attractive, social, outgoing, professional guy in his mid 30s who has lived on three continents, speaks three languages, and worked extensively as a bartender/waiter in the past..i.e. met many many many people and, I'd assume, has a good idea of what he wants out of a life partner at this point in his life (assuming that's what he wants.) It's odd that a sane (and straight) guy who matches that description would need 8 months to determine whether a girl is a "good match" for him...unless he's a player which, of course, is discounted (I'd think) by the fact that sex was clearly not his main priority. Sooo, really a lot of facts here that just don't add up.

But as you say, no way for any of us to know the truth. Only he knows for sure...and even that's not necessarily true!

[HeartIsAching]

Well, you've got a few choices here:

1. He's gay, and you were his "beard."

2. He's got a low sex drive, and your anxiousness about it was driving him buggy.

3. He just figured out that you weren't romantic material for him, and did the appropriate thing.

In the end, does it matter? I don't think you did anything wrong, so what's the point in agonizing over it?

[Introspection]

Well, you've got a few choices here:

1. He's gay, and you were his "beard."

2. He's got a low sex drive, and your anxiousness about it was driving him buggy.

3. He just figured out that you weren't romantic material for him, and did the appropriate thing.

In the end, does it matter? I don't think you did anything wrong, so what's the point in agonizing over it?

Thanks for weighing in!

For the sake of argument (and I loves me a good argument) I wasn't anxious about the sex drive thing at all. I asked him ONCE about whether or not he had an issue with sex after two months of celibacy (didn't insist on anything, just asked what was up, which I do believe one should do when heading into a relationship and encountering puzzling behavior.) After that, if he didn't initiate, we would just cuddle and fall asleep. Otherwise, he did most of the initiating, though it wasn't often. I did not mention the sex thing ever again over the course of eight months.

Aaand does it really take eight months to figure out that someone isn't romantic material? Especially for someone who is attractive and social? I was the first girl he ever brought home to meet his mother, for Pete's sake. Four months into the relationship! You'd think he'd figure out long before that whether there was romantic potential. I tend to not really buy that 3rd possibility; it just doesn't make any sense to me...in general it would, but not in this situation.

Buuuut when all is said and done you're right, no way of knowing and no sense in agonizing. I know I did nothing wrong, and he's a fool for leaving and throwing away a good thing, as far as I'm concerned. Was just wondering about other points of view, that's all!