Guilt, snooping

[q1w2e3]

hi all, i am in a bad place right now. i have been w my girlfriend for a little over a year. i love her a lot and she does me. last night we were watching tv and she picked up my phone and opened up my texting application. she just scrolled through it without opening any message, in front of me.

i dont care that she did that, i have nothing to hide. we share email passwords etc so no big deal. for some reason though i got the urge to do the same thing. i was messing with her phone and opened her texting app and scrolled through a bit, not opening any message. i all of a sudden felt intense guilt....why did i just do that? i trust her completely, there's no point of me going through her texts. even though i didnt open any of them, i felt guilty just opening the texting screen, i put the phone down as soon as a released what i was doing was stupid, absolutely stupid.....i have cried a lot over it, feeling like i betrayed her and her trust....i love her so much.

should i tell her i just quickly browsed her texting app? if so how? i dont know if i should, i know she opened mine but that was in front of me, i didnt care....i feel like i betrayed her by even having the desire to look.....again i trust her with all my heart and i feel soooooo guilty over it. is that considered snooping? should i tell her?

i know i will never do that again...the lesson i learned through all this guilt will be with me forever....on a side note i didnt find anything nor was a looking for anything specific, i dunno why i decided to open her texting app without her looking, behind her back. i feel awful and i dont know what to do....tell her and risk her maybe getting upset and leaving me or live with this guilt?

am i blowing this out of proportion? please respond...im devastated.

[Wakeup]

She did it to you, I assumed that you did it to her as well before I even read as much. Your guilt is misplaced IMO.

Look at it like another poster who assauged her guilt by calling it "visiting his email" what a hoot.

[amanda.m]

i'm wondering why either one of you is going through eachother's text messages? Did she say anything about why she was going through yours to begin with? I honestly don't think you need to beat yourself up over this all you did was exactly as she did. If you feel that bad then just tell her or forget it...but it's nothing to lose sleep over. Good luck!

[q1w2e3]

thanks for the replies! not sure why she did it in the first place, boredom and curiosity? i dont really care, got nothing to hide. i don't know why i felt so guilty...im trying to forget, see it as a lesson to never "snoop" again (which i wont no matter what, dont want to go through all this again, plus i trust her and any insecurities are self-generated). shes great and i love her just dont like going behind her back like this, even in reciprocation...what's the best way to forget it?

[devonbrown]

What's the best way to forget it? Alcohol.

But seriously, you need to give yourself a break. You started to snoop, realized it was wrong, and stopped. What you did was you grew up in that brief moment. You went from immature to mature when you realized you shouldn't snoop on her. Why feel guilty about growing up? In fact, you should feel proud of yourself for that.

Good luck.

[q1w2e3]

What's the best way to forget it? Alcohol.

But seriously, you need to give yourself a break. You started to snoop, realized it was wrong, and stopped. What you did was you grew up in that brief moment. You went from immature to mature when you realized you shouldn't snoop on her. Why feel guilty about growing up? In fact, you should feel proud of yourself for that.

Good luck.

thank you for the kind words, means a lot. do you think i should tell her that i did it? or is it unimportant? lesson learned for sure, will never snoop again.

[q1w2e3]

sorry guys, this is still hitting me hard....im imagining losing her and i cant control myself, i get sad and start crying....i do have an obsessive compulsive tendency so im sure thats not helping....should i tell her i looked at her phone? i feel like if i dont, then this will be on my conscience and i wont be able to forgive myself, like i betrayed her....i cant believe how stupid i was....please give me some encouragement, im taking this really hard, as pathetic as that might sound. thank you very much.

[HeartIsAching]

hi all, i am in a bad place right now. i have been w my girlfriend for a little over a year. i love her a lot and she does me. last night we were watching tv and she picked up my phone and opened up my texting application. she just scrolled through it without opening any message, in front of me.

i dont care that she did that, i have nothing to hide. we share email passwords etc so no big deal. for some reason though i got the urge to do the same thing. i was messing with her phone and opened her texting app and scrolled through a bit, not opening any message. i all of a sudden felt intense guilt....why did i just do that? i trust her completely, there's no point of me going through her texts. even though i didnt open any of them, i felt guilty just opening the texting screen, i put the phone down as soon as a released what i was doing was stupid, absolutely stupid.....i have cried a lot over it, feeling like i betrayed her and her trust....i love her so much.

should i tell her i just quickly browsed her texting app? if so how? i dont know if i should, i know she opened mine but that was in front of me, i didnt care....i feel like i betrayed her by even having the desire to look.....again i trust her with all my heart and i feel soooooo guilty over it. is that considered snooping? should i tell her?

i know i will never do that again...the lesson i learned through all this guilt will be with me forever....on a side note i didnt find anything nor was a looking for anything specific, i dunno why i decided to open her texting app without her looking, behind her back. i feel awful and i dont know what to do....tell her and risk her maybe getting upset and leaving me or live with this guilt?

am i blowing this out of proportion? please respond...im devastated.

Where you are with this is a good place. You SHOULD feel guilty about it, and the fact that you had an epiphany that you shouldn't be doing it because you trust her is spot on... but what would you hope to accomplish by telling her? You're not going to change the action. You're not going to make her feel good. You're not going to make yourself feel better about it. You're just going to cause angst in your relationship for no good reason. Good on you for realizing it was wrong and stopping... now go forth and don't do it again.

I do think however, that you need to address this with her in regards to going through your phone. She obviously doesn't trust you, nor does she have proper boundaries in regards to your personal space. If I get mail with my wife's name on it, I toss it on a pile for her to look at. If she uses the computer and forgets to log herself out, I do it without looking at her email. I actually can get her passwords if I felt like it (we have a password/login book on the desk for emergencies) but I don't - it's none of my business.

[q1w2e3]

Where you are with this is a good place. You SHOULD feel guilty about it, and the fact that you had an epiphany that you shouldn't be doing it because you trust her is spot on... but what would you hope to accomplish by telling her? You're not going to change the action. You're not going to make her feel good. You're not going to make yourself feel better about it. You're just going to cause angst in your relationship for no good reason. Good on you for realizing it was wrong and stopping... now go forth and don't do it again.

I do think however, that you need to address this with her in regards to going through your phone. She obviously doesn't trust you, nor does she have proper boundaries in regards to your personal space. If I get mail with my wife's name on it, I toss it on a pile for her to look at. If she uses the computer and forgets to log herself out, I do it without looking at her email. I actually can get her passwords if I felt like it (we have a password/login book on the desk for emergencies) but I don't - it's none of my business.

thanks for that. i see where you are coming from in terms of talking to her about it. how should i bring it up with her? if i talk to her about it, during the conversation i think ill feel guilty for doing the same thing without her knowing...i can see how telling her would be pointless though...i learned a lot with this scenario, im just glad it was not a huge mistake (i.e. cheating, which i would not even dream of doing). i just need to forget this happened, not worth ruminating over it ha? i tend to do that...

[HeartIsAching]

Tell her that you've had some thoughts about boundaries in your relationship, and you don't like that she doesn't trust you. She's demonstrated that by going through your things, and that's a boundary that is not alright with you for her to cross.

[q1w2e3]

Where you are with this is a good place. You SHOULD feel guilty about it, and the fact that you had an epiphany that you shouldn't be doing it because you trust her is spot on... but what would you hope to accomplish by telling her? You're not going to change the action. You're not going to make her feel good. You're not going to make yourself feel better about it. You're just going to cause angst in your relationship for no good reason. Good on you for realizing it was wrong and stopping... now go forth and don't do it again.

I do think however, that you need to address this with her in regards to going through your phone. She obviously doesn't trust you, nor does she have proper boundaries in regards to your personal space. If I get mail with my wife's name on it, I toss it on a pile for her to look at. If she uses the computer and forgets to log herself out, I do it without looking at her email. I actually can get her passwords if I felt like it (we have a password/login book on the desk for emergencies) but I don't - it's none of my business.

hi, thanks for your last response, makes sense. one more comment on a question you had: "what would you hope to accomplish by telling her?" right now i feel like i am lying to her. i know she looked through my phone, she doesn't know i sort of did the same thing. i feel like if i tell her, then everything is out in the open and there is nothing to hide...is that rational or not worth it? thanks again...

[bulrush]

You have too much guilt about this, you said you cried a lot about it. This is disproportional to the act that was committed. You didn't look at her text messages out of fear or jealousy or suspicion, you were just bored. Is there a reason why you are so emotional the day you did that? Something else going on in your life? Stress perhaps?

[q1w2e3]

You have too much guilt about this, you said you cried a lot about it. This is disproportional to the act that was committed. You didn't look at her text messages out of fear or jealousy or suspicion, you were just bored. Is there a reason why you are so emotional the day you did that? Something else going on in your life? Stress perhaps?

thank you for the reply. i have slightly low self-esteem and always wonder when shes out partying with friends if shes dancing/flirting with other guys etc. so i do have a bit of jealousy (working on it, all self-created)...i would be lying if i said that that did not play ANY role in the matter...however, i would have never looked if she didnt do so first, im pretty sure of that...i have been tempted to look in the past but never did.

im just afraid of losing her is what it comes down to i think...i have never opened up as much as i did to her (physically, emotionally)...i have a habit of creating worst-case scenarios in my mind (also working on that, seeing a psych)...so even though i would be hiding the truth from her, you still think i shouldn't tell her about this incident? thanks again.

[oldskool83]

if you snooped and stop then fine. good lord some of you poeple post like this is gonna kill you. go to church get forgiven if you so filled with guilt. if ya keep repeating ya might as well be single cuz ya will be sooner or later lol.

snoopings never ok, but if things are not adding up and you find out somthign very bad then great, if you find nothing your just a insecure retard. dont become a retard.

[Jenswaiting]

Ok so you feel guilty. I assume the reason you want to tell her is because you want forgiveness...? Asking for her forgiveness is a selfish act as you are relieving your guilt by telling her. By doing this you would only cause damage. Only you can forgive yourself. You know you did something wrong and that's all that matters. Get a grip and let go of the guilt. You are only hurting yourself. Do you want to hurt her as well?