Please read my situation and let me know your opinion

[ajpt]

Hello, I am a new member here and would really appreciate any constructive and insightful opinions on the situation I am in right now. I will explain the situation as briefly as possible because I know nobody wants to read pages upon pages. Here it is:

Im 24, and about 2 months ago I met a girl at my gym. I decided to introduce myself after noticing her several times because I simply had an intuitive feeling that I needed to talk to her. What happened next still amazes me as we have so many thing in common, I feel like I am talking to myself, but someone of the opposite sex. Even little things that I thought were weird about me, she shares some of those same similarities. Anyways... I found out she in engaged, and has been for 6 months. She has been with the guy for one year. I was all set to move to Phoenix after Graduate school about 3 weeks after I met her, but after talking to her daily, my feelings grew so strong I couldn't leave her. I told her how I felt, and to my surprise she reciprocated the same feelings for me, and she explained that her relationship with her fiancee had not been going well for the past 4 months. A little about her fiancee. He is 39, has a child, and is very overweight. She is 24, and in very great shape. Not that this means they are not a good couple, but they also don't have much in common at all she says. I am still not sure why she is even with him...
So, she told me that in order to feel good about the situation, she needs to talk to him about the problems she has with him and see if he will change to make the relationship work. This meant that we we did not talk to see each other for 3 weeks because she said she needed to focus on that 100%. 3 weeks passed and things went well for the first week but fell apart after that and they had several arguments and she told her that she "tries to hard to make the relationship work" and that she should hang out with her other friends. This pissed her off because she had been missing me, but avoiding me to try and make it work with him.. So... we started hanging out again and we started hanging out again. A week later she told me that they decided to split up since they are in to different stags of life and it just wont work. SO... that week, we started hanging out more and were getting intimate. Then, her fiance had a serious, very bad allergic reaction to something and had to go to the hospital. She texted me and said she felt guilty and sad and weird about the whole situation and she needs to space to get over it.... I have not heard from her in one week and have not seen her in 2 weeks and she won't respond to my text messages. The last thing she said was, "thank you for being supportive and understanding, its not anything I could ask of you, yet your that way anyway- just a great person."
I dont know what to do at this point. Has she decided to get back together with him? I doubt it- how does him going in the hospital change all the problems they have had for the last 4 months? he is still the same person... Was out relationship moving to quickly and does she simply need time to move out of her apartment with him and then start a relationship with me?

[Mathias]

Why are you getting involved in this mess? There's no way this ends well long-term for you.

And keep in mind - your view of her and her fiancee's relationship is going to be extremely biased. You're naturally only going to hear what you want to hear. Regardless, if she's this flaky with someone she's engaged to (no matter what the problems), you're in for a treat if you date her.

[Cerby]

You need to back off completely and let the chips fall. Texting her and bothering her will accomplish nothing at all other tan pushing her further from you.

Start to move on, and if somewhere down the road she pops up then see where it goes. Right now the road is at a dead end.

[ajpt]

Great responses, thanks. I guess I am just so captivated by her because we have so much in common and it feels so right when I am with her...and I think it would be a great relationship for those reasons....but your right, i only know what she tells me...

and what do ya'll think of her (being 24 and in very very good shape) dating a 300 lbs 39 year old with a kid (also from a different race- not that it matters at all, just wanted to state the facts). Does this mean she gets into relationships for 'other reasons'? btw, she said that he sex life with the guy is horrible and they have not had sex in 4 months and he simply says, "sex is not important to me, i'm 39" maybe she is just looking for excitement and it got to serious? I dunno....

[Cerby]

Great responses, thanks. I guess I am just so captivated by her because we have so much in common and it feels so right when I am with her...and I think it would be a great relationship for those reasons....but your right, i only know what she tells me...

and what do ya'll think of her (being 24 and in very very good shape) dating a 300 lbs 39 year old with a kid (also from a different race- not that it matters at all, just wanted to state the facts). Does this mean she gets into relationships for 'other reasons'? btw, she said that he sex life with the guy is horrible and they have not had sex in 4 months and he simply says, "sex is not important to me, i'm 39" maybe she is just looking for excitement and it got to serious? I dunno....

Newsflash - every relationship seems perfect at the beginning, you're just blind with lust. It takes a couple of months to finally start to see the forest through the trees and find your differences.

Secondly, its not up to us to judge their relationship, if she is happy, then you have no place to judge it either. You won't find anyone here to help validate your view of her dating a 39 year old guy with a kid. Sorry. One of my best freinds is a 26 year old girl dating a 44 year old, and even though I think its a disaster waiting to happen, I keep my mouth shut, and so should you in your situation.

[Mathias]

and what do ya'll think of her (being 24 and in very very good shape) dating a 300 lbs 39 year old with a kid (also from a different race- not that it matters at all, just wanted to state the facts). Does this mean she gets into relationships for 'other reasons'? btw, she said that he sex life with the guy is horrible and they have not had sex in 4 months and he simply says, "sex is not important to me, i'm 39" maybe she is just looking for excitement and it got to serious? I dunno....

Seems like you're just trying to validate yourself here.

Doesn't matter what we think of her. It's her life.

[ajpt]

You guys are right- not my place to judge. But the fact still lies that she told me they were separating and that she wants to be with me and then a week later she stops talking to me because of the whole hospital ordeal... Im just not sure where to go with it from here. do I assume she is still sticking to her plan to leave him....do I assume she just needs time to sort out the details of moving out/breaking up....or do I assume she has decided to stay with him... or do I assume nothing and just have some patience? Thanks for all the help.

[Cerby]

You guys are right- not my place to judge. But the fact still lies that she told me they were separating and that she wants to be with me and then a week later she stops talking to me because of the whole hospital ordeal... Im just not sure where to go with it from here. do I assume she is still sticking to her plan to leave him....do I assume she just needs time to sort out the details of moving out/breaking up....or do I assume she has decided to stay with him... or do I assume nothing and just have some patience? Thanks for all the help.

Assume nothing, do nothing, move on.

[ajpt]

Ok, so I understanding that on my end I need to move on, but my question is about what is going on on her end. Obviously no one will know but he, but I just want to hear some opinions on why she is acting this way- i think knowing will help me move on....

[ajpt]

*her, not he

[Cerby]

Ok, so I understanding that on my end I need to move on, but my question is about what is going on on her end. Obviously no one will know but he, but I just want to hear some opinions on why she is acting this way- i think knowing will help me move on....

No, it doesn't matter what is happening on her end! Why guess? Its not important to you, its not your business, you're trying to find justification to keep this hope alive by getting some plausible stories, and picking the one you think works best for you.

[ajpt]

Its hard to admit, but I know your right. Its just tough though... because we literally went from intimacy to no contact in one day... I guess if I mean anything to her, or if our experiences together meant anything to her she will come back. Like you say... let the chips fall where they fall.. One more question: If for instance she contact me and wants to start a relationship, should I be weary about getting involved with her? Do you think she is doing the right thing or do you think she was just stringing me along?

[Evo1114]

Who knows? She loves him for some reason. Maybe she used to be heavy too? And just enjoyed the fact you were paying attention to her since she didn't get that kind of attention previously before she got fit? Wanted a little fling since she never had that? I don't mean for it to sound like I'm ripping on her or anything, just a thought I had.

When I was in college I met a girl who graduated with a lot of my friends from another town. She was mildy attractive, very fit. I was surprised none of my friends ever mentioned her. I was never interested in her other than a 'hey, I know you' type of thing because she slept with EVERYBODY on campus. Anyways, a friend was going through some of his pictures from his high school days, and he pointed her out! She was, ummm...not fit whatsoever. Probably a deuce at least. She lost a TON of weight between high school graduation and beginning of college. And was very much taking advantage of this new thing, where dudes found her attractive.