I saw this on another forum and thought that many people on this forum could benefit from it. I did not write it.

[URL="http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=391427"]Originally posted here[/URL]

Hi there,

There really is no way to know if your ex will come back or not, and holding onto hope can be a dangerous thing for you, emotionally speaking. The key is to let go of that hope and work through your emptiness to realize that you can stand on your own two feet without your ex. This is going to be what you realize on your own in time, and right now it will very hard for you to accept it. Now, I am not saying that your ex won't come back -- I am saying there is no way to know, and you have to give up expectations while at the same time doing the right things. This might not make sense right now, but read on.

What you are experiencing is completely normal. I've been there, and seeing this as a game will just mess with your head. The key is to realize that the actions you are taking (in this case, NC) are about you, and not about getting your ex back. If she comes back, it's going to be because she realizes what life is like without you, and makes a choice for a deeper commitment, so long as you allow her to face life 100% without you. So, your actions might lead to your ex coming back, or might not -- the point is that you need to let go of expecations of her returning, because having hope will trigger your abandonment wounds, and she will reject you if you pursue her, and that will send you into a depression, which is why "no contact" is so important.

Now, that said, your ex, on her own, needs to be confronted with the consequences of her choice -- namely, losing you forever. If you let her have you both ways (i.e. having you in her life, but without the commitment), then you're really going to suffer. It's okay to respond to your ex, but only tell her that you want to respect her space so that the two of you can move on. You can remind her that being contact makes harder to move on and you really can't be friends right now. Otherwise, avoid contact that could be interpreted as you pursuing her. That is hard, because over the days and weeks to come, she may do things that "trick" you into pursuing her, and then she will reject you or not meet your expectations (or hope) and then you will get angry and/or depressed.

If you are struggling with closure, you could tell your ex that you would like to have closure, letting her know that it will help you to get over her and to move on. That is ok because it's not threatening to her. This is a bit of reverse psychology, and only do this if you can be mentally and emotionally be strong -- it doesn't sound like you could handle that. You can't be weak and desperate if you choose this route, because then she will see you as an insecure person and drop you like a hot potato and you will get very depressed. It is so important to move on without expectations.

You are feeling the emotional pangs of abandonment and emptiness, which is very normal, and it is very difficult to resist the urge to contact your ex, but doing so will only send you into a depression while you are in this vulnerable state. You need to realize that your ex is focusing on her needs in a very selfish and narcisstic way, and she is not really concerned about your needs. She might show a little bit of caring, but it won't be much. This is hard to see, especially at this early stage, because you will be tempted to put her up on a pedestal and to dwell on all your good memories, and you will wonder why she seems to be having such an easy time getting over you. The truth, she has to cope, too, and there a lot of defense mechanisms that kick in to help her get over you, and she will likely feel relief in the days and weeks to come, and this would be very hard for you to witness, so stay away from it.

You are experiencing emptiness. So the real question is this: how do you take actions that maximize the potential for your ex to go into HER emptiness and have the chance of facing the reality that her choice means losing you forever, while at the same time not holding onto to any hope or expectations that she will come back? This is hard, but necessary, because you have to realize that if she were to come back to you, and only if the relationship is VIABLE, then it's really only worth it for her to come back because she works through her emptiness of living life without you and discovering that she misses you and wants to make a conscious choice for a deeper commitment. If she doesn't do that, then it would never work anyway, and knowing that, and if you understand it, then you can be strong and know that you can move on without any expectations.

She could come back, but if she did so without facing her emptiness, she would take you for granted and then dump you again. Of course, it varies and I don't know your full story, but if you do not pursue her in any way (NC, with occaisonal polite but distant replies to contact if she initiates it), and if the relationship is a viable long-term relationship, then it typically takes a couple of months before she can consciously process her emotions and have the chance to feel empty without you. If you pursue her, or if you respond to any mixed messages from her by pursuing her, or if you get sucked in when she reaches a little, then you will dilute the process and she will not feel the full consequences of her choice. That is why NC is important.

It is amazing how an ex can get you to pursue them and they don't even know they are doing it -- when you do pursue them, they reject you and feel even more certain of their decision. They get you to pursue, but then they reject you again and again and you will go into a depression. Stay out of those traps. When she contacts you, be polite, but remind her that you want to give and respect her space and freedom, and that being friends right now just won't work. Be caring, but do not tell her that you miss her. Let her be insecure about you -- maybe you have moved on and found somebody else? She won't know. Let her be insecure. Let her face the possibility that you are gone forever. Do not initiate contact with her, though.

Take control and let the ball be back in your court. I know it's hard, but you can do it. You have the advantage now of knowing that this is about you. She may seem to forget you now, and not to miss you, but if the relationship is viable, and if you do not pursue her, then she will miss you and will face her emptiness, but that doesn't mean she will come back. That, ultimately, is something only she can decide, and there's no amount of pursuasion from you that will change her mind.

You have to take care of yourself, do not pursue her, and let go of the hope of getting her back. In this regard, then you can honestly say to yourself: (1) I can stand on my own two feet without her; (2) if she doesn't come back, then she didn't have emptiness without me, and therefore it never have worked in the long run; (3) if she were to come back, having faced her emptiness, then you might be willing to let her back into your private world, which will never be the same as it was before -- it would take work, patience, and love to reconcile.


The key here is to give up trying to control things in order to gain control. I am telling you that you can take steps that maximize the chance of her coming back as a result of working through the emptiness of losing you forever, and you have to realize that if she doesn't do that, then the relationship would not likely have worked out anyway. Viable relationships stretch out like a rubber band with a break-up, and then, so long as you have space apart and do not pursue her, it can spring back together. But, if it doesn't, then you know that it wasn't meant to be.

I know some of this is probably not what you want to hear. Most viable relationships are salvagable, but you have to take the right steps, and you have to make yourself your number one focus. If person A loves person B, that's great. If person B also loves person A. That is even better. If person A loves himself and person B loves herself, and they both love each other -- then that is really special. Take care of yourself -- that's what she is trying to do, too.

I hope this long message makes sense to you and helps!