Advice for men that are or have been in relationships with women with baggage

[Blaalad11]

Hi guys, Iam new here and just wanted to share my story and maybe help some people that have been in troubled relationships!

Some background, Ok well i met my ex almost 2 years ago, She was beautiful, Absolutely stunning and for me it was disbelief she even wanted to see me again after our first date (which by the way we had sex the first time we met) Anyway, as time went on my feelings for her grew, I learned alot about her and in some ways it caused me problems and in other ways it made me love her even more,I discovered she was raped when she was younger and i know this to be true, I also was told some wild stories about her past sexual experiences (3sums, one night stands, ex's cheating on her etc) For me, i just could not ignore all this.I thought i could be her hero i guess, that i would be the guy to make her change,see her worth etc I should mention also i have issues of my own and had been to a counsellor so iam passionate about helping others and trying to understand others!! I began to "try" get her to open up, I became her counsellor in many ways, I constantly asked questions, reassured her of her worth, always dug further and further with questions to try and understand how someone that seemed so nice could treat themselves with no respect etc We were together almost 24/7 so she had to listen to me alot! Another problem was that she kept in contact with her exs (the same exs that cheated, busted up her car etc) So this became another issue for me that i wasnt happy with! I believed she loved me but no matter how upset it made me , she never stopped!! I also felt that she changed under the influence of alcohol (which was when most of these 3sums, one night stands occured) She eventually went to counselling (not for long) but after too many arguments, she dumped me 2 months ago!!

There is alot of bitterness between us since, she has cut contact with me all together but she did explain that all i ever did was made her feel low, that i knew what was best and she couldnt make decisions for herself, I constantly reminded her of her past and was always arguing over her texting exs!! She had enough and no longer wanted me in her life!! I was crushed, angry, felt sorry for myself etc Thought it wasnt fair that she didnt want a guy that loved her and cared so much......

Heres the advice .... that was the problem, i loved her too much, cared too much, smothered her, tried to change her!! To any man thats in a similar relationship, Dont do what i did, Be a nice guy but be independent, Be your own man and let her be her own woman, If your partner has issues, Help her in whatever way u can IF she wants help from you, Dont force her to change and to get help and make her feel like you know best!! And if she doesnt want help, leave her, you are waisting your time!! You will never make someone happy that isnt already happy within!!

My ex was a beautiful person, the problem was thats what i saw in her, that may not have been what she saw! I worry about her all the time now, and foolishly i let her know that,I sent constant texts since we broke up and it drove her further away!!

So guys, learn from MY mistakes or you will end up broken hearted!! I hope this post is not too long and has helped some people in similar relationships!!

[Phoenix23]

I'm in the exact same position almost. So I will try to take your advice.
However, with the baggage she refuses to deal with, I question if this relationship can truly last.

She's been cheated on twice and keeps in contact with both of those ex's, even considering one a friend still.
She has issues with trust, and can't stand me talking to other girls in any context.
She has little confidence in herself. Is always putting herself down and saying I should find someone better than her.

But I love her, she loves me, and I want to help her. Oddly, like in your case, I think I only loved her more realizing how hurt she had been. I wanted to protect her and be to her what they hadn't been.
It's not like I try to make these things an issue. She makes them an issue when the baggage manifests itself as no confidence or a lack of trust. So I want to try to help her deal with it, to let her see her the way I see her, as a wonderful person.
She is very emotionally unstable because of the baggage. I'm not sure if she's even ready for a relationship with someone who will treat her right. It causes me quite a bit of stress, where normally relationships I have are easy going.

At this point I don't get much joy out of the relationship, and am holding out to see if things will improve with time, because I don't feel like I want to seperate from her I feel like I just want her to resolve these issues so we can move on together. But if she can't reach that point, and I can't help her reach it, I don't see a future here.

I broke every rule I ever had about dating and relationships by staying with this girl up to this point. I don't know why. It defies logic. This is what I get for following my heart and not listening to my head. My heart always leads me wrong.

Breaking up with her would absolutely devastate her. Maybe I'm putting off what I know is inevitable because I don't want to cause her any more pain than she's already been in, and I'm hoping against hope that it will work out somehow.

[Cerby]

We have a sticky thread about guys like you:

[URL="http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/26633-description-shining-knight-syndrome.html"]Shining Knight Syndrome[/URL]

Its not uncommon for people with issues to try and help other people with issues. We in the real world like to call them dysfunctional relationships or codependent relationships.

[Phoenix23]

We have a sticky thread about guys like you:

[URL="http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/26633-description-shining-knight-syndrome.html"]Shining Knight Syndrome[/URL]

Its not uncommon for people with issues to try and help other people with issues. We in the real world like to call them dysfunctional relationships or codependent relationships.

Most of that doesn't accurately describe my situation. Especially when it tries to ascribe motivations or fears to me as the reason I'm with her. I have no problem dating women who have it together, and I much prefer it. I typically avoid relationships with this kind of drama like the plague. I don't want to have to fix anyone. But I couldn't help loving her and now I don't want to see her continue to suffer from these emotional wounds, nor do I want to declare her a lost cause and just move on unless I'm convinced there is no other choice. She still wouldn't be the perfect girlfriend, but I'm not looking for perfect.

I've thought many times that things would be a lot easier and happier for me if I just dumped her and looked for someone else. I'm thinking about her when I stay with her. If I were doing this to make myself feel better in some way then I would have already left searching for happiness elsewhere - Because dealing with this drama isn't my idea of fun.