ladies with that male friend that is in love with them

[bombboy85]

Does this bother your boyfriends/husbands? My wife has a friend that she grew up with whom for years she has pretty much talked to at some point everyday whether it be a lot or just one text or two. They live in different states now etc... but when we started dating I basically discerned that he likes her and wants to date her but never made a move or something along those lines. I have a knack for picking up on these kinds of things and told her this and she laughed a bit and told me how he was like a brother to her and he annoys her too much to date him ever etc... bla bla bla so that doesn't worry me at all.

Over time though he has kind of come to annoy me with crap he has said to her like "don't come crying to me when he breaks your heart" or how he is in the Army and I'm in the AF and he outranks me so "he's still better than me". Now my wife recently deleted her facebook and started a new one (she had her legit reasons) and when she changed her status to married and it posted this guy basically posted his equivalent of a dislike for a comment, he texts her late into the night etc.

Sometimes I really feel like saying something to him but I know also that could just cause pointless drama so its best not to and he seems like the type that would just take it and be immature and go to my wife with it and twisting my words around. I really wanna tell him though that he has known her a hell of a lot longer than me and it's not my fault that he never made a move or that he just isn't the kind of guy that she wanted and to stop talking crap about someone that he has never met.

[sadie_genie]

I would imagine it would bother the boyfriend/husband. If it does, he should tell her and she should stop her constant contact with her guy friend. But there are some guys are who don't care enough to insist that the guy friend should stay away. I had a boyfriend before who said he was cool with it and he also have his own close friends who are girls so I could get away with it. So, bottom line is if he also have close friends who are girls then he shouldn't demand she keep away from her guy friends. But if the issue is important to you as it is one of your core beliefs that when couples date/marry, they shouldn't be close to anyone else who are of the opposite sex, then you should make that clear with her.

[bombboy85]

oh no it doesnt bother me that they are close friends, my wife is the type of girl that gets along with men better than women, actually most girls that I dated were so I'm used to that. It's more that this guy annoys me with his talking crap now I haven't gone into detail with my wife about what she has told him in my defense but I really sometimes just wanna tell him to actually meet me before he talks smack cause he will find out I am actually one of the best men my wife could ever find and that's not an ego thing, I take pride in being a good man.

[Wakeup]

Don't you think it should be your wife's responsibility to tell this guy to quit talking smack about you? I know I would defend my husband if a male friend was dissing him. I also think it's your wifes responsiblity to tell him to stop texting her past a certain time at night. He's just doing what he's always done and since she allows it, why would he think he was doing anything wrong?

I don't think it's your place to be calling him and telling him anything, it will just make you look like a jealous fool. Talk to your wife about her allowing all this to go on and do it in a way that she knows you don't mind her having a friend but what he and her do and how they do it is crossing a relationship boundary as far as you're concerned.

As for your question: It seems that this problem crops up time and time again where one partner is unhappy with ex-lovers and friends of the opposite sex taking up their partners time and attention so it's not something unusual that you're not liking their behaviour (notice I said "their" behaviour and not just "his.')

[IndiReloaded]

Don't you think it should be your wife's responsibility to tell this guy to quit talking smack about you? I know I would defend my husband if a male friend was dissing him. I also think it's your wifes responsiblity to tell him to stop texting her past a certain time at night. He's just doing what he's always done and since she allows it, why would he think he was doing anything wrong?

I don't think it's your place to be calling him and telling him anything, it will just make you look like a jealous fool. Talk to your wife about her allowing all this to go on and do it in a way that she knows you don't mind her having a friend but what he and her do and how they do it is crossing a relationship boundary as far as you're concerned.

All of this^.

Its tricky. This isn't some random guy but a childhood friend so you are working against all that shared history. Its unlikely she's going to cut ties with him, even if he were to overtly confess his undying love for her, or something equally messy. Its unfortunate that this friend isn't your friend as well, since he would need to be a lot more respectful of boundaries.

Do you have children? If so, then you really should watch out for the sake of your family. Its so very common for these kinds of friendships to turn romantic, even after years of a platonic relationship, particularly if he sets himself up as an emotional crutch for her during one of the normal, low points in your marriage. Just google 'old friend' and affair to get an idea of how old this kind of story is.

Anyway, it seems your wife has an admirer. Some women seem to collect such. In some cultures its quite common (Europeans tend to take this kind of thing much less seriously). I don't think that any feelings he may harbour is so much of an issue as how she deals with it. Talk to her about it, as WakeUp suggests and see what pings. Post again if you need further advice.

[Ric]

"guy's view"

I don't think it's ever the right of a man or woman to tell their partner to stop hanging out with a person, regardless of what that person might feel.
You're her significant other, not her boss.

It should be up to your girlfriend to decide what to do with it. If he is just talking smack for no reason then I'd personally consider it disrespectful for her to let him do that.
It's perfectly within your right to discuss relationship boundaries, though.

Mainly though, never tell your partner she can't talk to/hang out with a friend.

[Rollingwithlife]

Speaking as a guy, I also agree with the above comments about how she should be the one to deal with this problem, and like you said, you really don't want to start any drama yourself and appear to be a jealous husband - who knows, that might even be what he's "trying" to bait you into in hopes it'll be the downfall of your relationship. I know that if there were ever a situation where I had two friends who felt they needed to be vocal about how much they dislike each other, I'd be the one to get in there to break it up. If they insist on continuing to be disrespectful of the other and myself (my values/friends), I'd probably stop talking to the friend(s) whose priority lies in their hatred versus the respect they have for their friends.

[MerryH]

I bet your wife's friend is exactly the type of guy that comes to forums like this to complain about how all women go for jerks, and they're so shallow, and why don't they realize that "I'M BETTER THAN HIM RARGH WOMEN."

Not that you're a jerk, OP, I'm just saying that he's the kind of guy who gets bitter after never making a move on his female friend and just expecting that his kindness should get him laid. And when it doesn't, he gets all angry and passive-aggressive. What a little bitch.

I agree that you should let her deal with it herself. Tell her how you feel about it, but ultimately, it's up to her. Actually, you'd be doing this guy a favor if you demanded that your wife stops talking to him. Then he'd actually move on and maybe form some healthy friendships. But until that happens, you can feel smug knowing that he's probably sitting at home feeling sorry for himself while you're living a nice, happy life with her. You win!

[bombboy85]

I agree with everyone I never planned to tell her she can't talk to him etc and I know most of the time when they talk its not even about that kind of thing and she has told him I'm different and not a jerk/cheater like other guys she's dated etc... I really just wanted to see if anyone has seen a lot of this. Its amazing how men, who are supposedly not emotional etc act so stupid when it comes this kind of thing. Shortly after we started dating, this friend let a girl he started dating shortly after drunk dial my wife and harass her in the middle of the night and another of her friends came by one morning shortly after I met her and had crashed on her couch the night before (I didn't try to sleep with her for the first 4-5 times we hung out even though we had cuddled made out etc) and he was helping her with a garage sale he had said he would help with. A) he showed up at 5 AM, she let me sleep even though I had told her to wake me up cause I offered to hang out and help B) this guy hung around all day went to lunch with us and just kind of that awkward wouldn't leave kind of hang around. I told her that night that he liked her, she didn't believe me then once me and her started the dating, said guy stopped talking to her and finally told her he thought she liked him and had given him mixed signals (which wasn't true AT all) lol. Some men are a little tooo emotional when it's their own fault for not making moves or expressing their feelings.

I guess I should also add the texting her late at night etc... when I thought about it isn't really a big deal. We are in a long distance relationship and I'm deployed now but when I'm there if her phone does go off at night it gets ignored and its not like she ignores my texts or says she's going to bed when she's really up texting ya know so that doesn't bother me.

[IndiReloaded]

So, he's an ass pretty clearly. Don't let his comments comparing the two of you phase you one bit.

Ultimately, this guy's actions are irrelevant. Think of this more as a test of your wife's character. I know you are worried this guy may move in on her while you are away but there is really nothing you can do about it except assure your wife of your love. Most married couples are given the opportunity to stray from their partners and don't. If she does, then its her loss b/c its clear this 'friend' is a very selfish guy who is perfectly willing to make drama in your wife's life. If she is dumb enough to fall for it, you should let her.

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[IndiReloaded]

Also this series on taking another man's woman:

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