I feel like... I can't have any feelings around him... need advice please :(

[Atnamas]

Last night I was sitting on our couch with my booted feet hanging off the edge. I wear my boots around the house because I usually have stockings on, and if I go barefoot, I get fluff all over them.

My boyfriend asked me to take my feet off the couch and I jokingly said "aww, you sook!" and took them off. He had misheard, and thought I had said "ah, ****!!!" in an aggressive way.

All day today he has been cold towards me and eventually after many hours I asked him what was wrong. He said he didn't want to talk about it but I said I would like to as communication and our relationship are very important to me. He snapped and said "I told you I don't want to ****ing talking about it!!!". I left him alone. He eventually told me what he thought I'd said and I corrected him. He apologised.

I went on to express more feelings to him. I told him I find it very difficult to talk to him sometimes. That his usually aggressive and very hostile reaction to things makes it very hard for me to be honest. I poured my heart out and afterwards he uncaringly said "are you done?". I said "what do you mean am I done?" and he said I was "making me feel like **** and getting on my case". I wasn't yelling, I wasn't screaming, I wasn't swearing. I was just telling him how I felt.

This seems to happen a lot. I feel like I can't be human around him. It's like he wants me to be this happy, smiling, laughing person all of the time and if he does do something to hurt me, he wants me to address him in such a timid way, yet he is allowed to be as aggressive with me as he likes. If I do something to hurt him he is allowed to "make me feel like ****" and "get on my case", but somehow things always end up being my fault. He makes me the bad guy every time.

E.g.

"sweetie, what you said then really upset me"... his response? "Someone must be due for their period". If I say I am serious, he just rolls his eyes.

He told me that if I feel like I can't be honest with him that's my problem, not his.

Someone recently told me this:

"What happens is that when confronted about something - even if done in a non-aggressive way - they FEEL as if they're being attacked. It doesn't matter *how* gentle you may be in trying to talk to him - he STILL sees you as attacking him. So he gets defensive, and tries to make YOU into "the persecutor" to diffuse the "attack".

This is EXACTLY what happens, every time.

I am not sure what to do?!!! I don't even know if I want to save the relationship or not.

[bloodtippedrose]

What an ASS!
You were doing the right thing, communicating and telling him how you felt. If he wanted to make you feel better at all he would have taken your view into consideration instead of got defensive or make excuses. He deals with his problems very immaturely and lets things stew in his head where he creates fake scenarios (such as you saying f**k) to get mad over.
You deserve to be with someone who will work with you instead of always making you feel like the bad guy.

If I were in your shoes I would sit him down (as a final chance without him knowing) and calmly say how you feel about how he deals with his problems and how you have a lack of communication (try not to say "you" as that can be an attack sort of word like you're placing blame). If he fails by not acknowledging that he is part of the problem, and doesn't offer any sort of solution, and shuts you out then move on and find someone else. A relationship without communication is like thanksgiving without turkey. Leaving him would probably help him mature emotionally as well and learn from his mistakes. He can't carry on like that forever, because no woman will, or should tolerate it. Especially when there are so many sweet and understanding single guys out there!

[searock]

I actually feel a bit sorry for him. I mean of course he is acting as an asshole to you and you're perfectly right in feeling like this. Thing is, I don't think he even realizes how excessive his reactions are. What you quoted about him taking everything as a personal attack is actually a problem. And I think the only way he can get over it is understanding why he constantly feels like he's being attacked, why he always gets so defensive. He probably experienced something earlier in his life that has made him like this. I'm sure it wasn't something too enjoyable.

Does he ever apologize, after the anger subsides? I'm asking because if he does, it means he somehow realizes his problem, and is therefore already halfway through eventually solving it.

I understand how you feel, and if it doesn't change I do suggest you go ahead and break up with him. Communication is essential in a relationship, and right now it seems like you can't even say a word without him getting offended/resentful/angry at you.

[moosegal]

Goodness girly ... run! I was married to a guy like him .. they don't change and you always feel like crap. If you want to lose your self esteem ... he will be the guy to do it for you. It starts out like this and only gets worse. Your feelings do not matter to him. Run and find a man to love you the way you want to be loved ... don't settle for anything less.

[devonbrown]

I am not sure what to do?!!!

Really? This guy treats you like crap, doesn't know how to communicate effectively, nor does he want to try to communicate effectively. And you don't know what to do? He wants you to treat him like a kind while he treats you like trash. And you aren't sure what to do? He belittles you and tries to make you feel bad about yourself. And you REALLY am unsure about your net step? REALLY?

Dump his abusive ass and find someone who actually, you know, respects you.

[Atnamas]

Thanks for your feedback, guys.

Does he ever apologize, after the anger subsides? I'm asking because if he does, it means he somehow realizes his problem, and is therefore already halfway through eventually solving it.

No, never. I always wait for it, just a small “hey honey… I’m sorry about before” or something, but it never comes.

Goodness girly ... run! I was married to a guy like him .. they don't change and you always feel like crap. If you want to lose your self esteem ... he will be the guy to do it for you.

Already there. I always end up blaming myself for things he’s done. As I mentioned, he says things like the fact that I can’t communicate with him is my problem, not his. I always think it’s me even though I know it’s not.

Really? This guy treats you like crap, doesn't know how to communicate effectively, nor does he want to try to communicate effectively. And you don't know what to do? He wants you to treat him like a kind while he treats you like trash. And you aren't sure what to do? He belittles you and tries to make you feel bad about yourself. And you REALLY am unsure about your net step? REALLY?

Ok so maybe I do know what to do… I suppose I just don’t know how to do it. We live together (I moved into HIS house 4 years ago – STUPID) and if he flies off the handle about something small, God only knows how he is going to treat me if I end it.

The hardest part about it all is that when things are good, they are really good. I just had my birthday and he treated me like a queen. Waited on me hand and foot for a whole week, bought me way too many gifts and just generally spoilt me rotten. It's not a big change from how he treats me every week!

But when things are bad... they are very bad.

[searock]

Hmm how about you suggest he gets some counseling/therapy? It would definitely help him, it seems like he has anger management issues or stuff. Taking everything as a personal attack, etc. If he is willing to work on his problem, then maybe you could give him another chance.

Otherwise, just get out of there, and don't worry it may be tough in the beginning, but everything will eventually sort itself out .

[Atnamas]

Last week it was my birthday. One of my closest (and single) girlfriends couldn’t be here for me as she was working, so she thought it would be nice to come and meet me after I finish work today, and take me out for a belated birthday dinner and drinks.

I told my boyfriend I was going to be doing this and he said “I can’t wait until she gets an effing boyfriend”.

I hardly ever go out with anyone other than my bf anymore. I haven’t been out with this girlfriend in about 2 years, so it’s a catch up as well as a nice belated birthday dinner.

I am pissed that he reacted this way.

[Gal4Love]

Awww hunni :-( Coming from someone with experience...the relationship will never get better. You hope, pray, cry and plead that it will in your head so you stick around. But then, 10, 15, 20 yrs down the line and maybe with kids things will be the same. I am sure he loves you but sometimes love just isn't enough to keep a relationship strong. You need love, understanding and respect. My heart goes out to you because I know exactly how you feel. I honestly pray the best for you. Keep strong and remember everyone deserves to "feel like a queen" all the time, not just during the good times. Hugs

[IndiReloaded]

Goodness girly ... run! I was married to a guy like him .. they don't change and you always feel like crap. If you want to lose your self esteem ... he will be the guy to do it for you. It starts out like this and only gets worse. Your feelings do not matter to him. Run and find a man to love you the way you want to be loved ... don't settle for anything less.

This^. This kind of thing is ingrained in his personality. He won't change. You might find this set of articles illuminating, make sure you read the one about how to leave them:

[url=http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/narcissism/narcissistic-personality-disorder-how-to-recognize-a-narcissist.html]Narcissistic Personality Disorder - How to Recognize a Narcissist[/url]

[Atnamas]

Awww hunni :-( Coming from someone with experience...the relationship will never get better. You hope, pray, cry and plead that it will in your head so you stick around. But then, 10, 15, 20 yrs down the line and maybe with kids things will be the same. I am sure he loves you but sometimes love just isn't enough to keep a relationship strong. You need love, understanding and respect. My heart goes out to you because I know exactly how you feel. I honestly pray the best for you. Keep strong and remember everyone deserves to "feel like a queen" all the time, not just during the good times. Hugs

Thank you so much. You guys are really lovely on here!

This^. This kind of thing is ingrained in his personality. He won't change. You might find this set of articles illuminating, make sure you read the one about how to leave them

Thank you so much for that link. I couldn’t believe what I was reading when I saw this girl’s post. It is like I wrote it myself word for word!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe that I am in a relationship with a narcissist. Everything described fits him to a T. However, he is very responsible, reliable and financially straight. He helps me with a lot...but somehow I don’t feel it comes from the heart. I feel it's a form of control. I have been put off by so many bad things (coldness, lack of emotions, harsh criticism, yelling, cursing, getting mad at things that NO OTHER MAN WOULD THINK TWICE about, silent treatment for more than a day over the smallest issues). The list goes on. I get no emotional support, no empathy at all. However, when things are good they are great. But I am tired of walking on eggshells and I worry about my future.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, don't make your decision in the moment. Think about it a bit and then decide honestly if this is what you are dealing with. If so, you'll need to move on. Trying to change him really won't work. Good luck.

[Gal4Love]

I happy to help anytime! :-) Best of luck... kepp your head up, you'll find someone who truly loves you and not the control of you.

[Jonahman]

I'm a single man from the Uk and have had experiences when I have talked to woman in my most polite way and they have snapped at me. I know the reason it's almost like I'm kinds infront of time and they can't work me out from day one. So i think some woamn have problems not been able to have control over a man from the first breath you speak. It's not their fault, it could perhaps be they are also controlled by someone that wants to know straight away where she is, who she's talking to and what she's doing. I'm happy that some woman have a good level aof understanding a man from the first spoken work and that patience is a good think becasue the first words might not be the personality a man wants to reflect at first, like a stranger

[Andariel]

What an ASS!
You were doing the right thing, communicating and telling him how you felt. If he wanted to make you feel better at all he would have taken your view into consideration instead of got defensive or make excuses. He deals with his problems very immaturely and lets things stew in his head where he creates fake scenarios (such as you saying f**k) to get mad over.
You deserve to be with someone who will work with you instead of always making you feel like the bad guy.

If I were in your shoes I would sit him down (as a final chance without him knowing) and calmly say how you feel about how he deals with his problems and how you have a lack of communication (try not to say "you" as that can be an attack sort of word like you're placing blame). If he fails by not acknowledging that he is part of the problem, and doesn't offer any sort of solution, and shuts you out then move on and find someone else. A relationship without communication is like thanksgiving without turkey. Leaving him would probably help him mature emotionally as well and learn from his mistakes. He can't carry on like that forever, because no woman will, or should tolerate it. Especially when there are so many sweet and understanding single guys out there!

This is great advice, Bloodtippedrose.

Hon, how much longer do want to have to walk on eggshells to please this guy?No matter what you do he will always find fault with it and belittle you and make you feel bad about yourself. Don't put up with this immature and manipulative crap.

Also, the fact that he is essentially preventing you from seeing your friends is unhealthy and a clear sign he is a controlling prick. You have the right to spend time with your friends. His goal is to alienate you from the people who care about you so in the end you feel so alone that you will end up trapped in this relationship.

Do as Bloodtippedrose suggested: have a final discussion with him, explain that things need to change and you can't deal with his reactions anymore. Make it clear that from now on you will be making time to see your friends as well as this is part of being a healthy human being. If he dismisses you again, then you will know that this guy is never going to change and if you can't deal with his behaviour (and quite rightly so) then you will need to walk away to preserve your sanity, dignity and self-esteem.