extreme jealousy?

[jolovessim]

hey guys. im new and this is my first post but i really need some advice on something. How to tackle really bad jealousy in relationships? and wondering if anybody else has this. Ive been with my boyfriend about a year, and love him loads. I know he wouldnt cheat on me or anything, but i hate him watching porn. I was abused when i was little and made to watch it a few times, and it just makes me think of him of dirty and evil like the guy who used to rape me. brings back a lot of memories. anyway i just wondering how to overcome this? like, i go into almost panik attacks and stuff start crying when hes only seen breasts. I think part of it is due to my sub-level self asteem and always thinking he can do better and will want the girls he sees. Am i totally unrealistic only wanting him to want me?is that sooo impossible? I was thinkging about getting counciling about it but i dunno, what do you think? any feedback would be greatly welcomed.
by the way hes a great boyfriend and totally understanding, and he avoids most porn and stuff for me, i just dont think its fair to get so upset over it? i feel liek im emotionally blackmailing him

[chelsee]

porn is just a visual it doesn't subsitute for the real thing. so I'm told..

[Cybog]

Well, first of all it's clearly obvious you need some sort of counseling for whatever form of abuse you recieved. It can cause irreversable damage to your psyche and self esteem of not addressed.

Second of all, you are clearly level headed enough to know what your issues are. Jealousy isn't really something you can take a pill for and make it go away, and it definitely doesnt go away over night.

The best things you can do for yourself is to first realize the top few things that he does that make you angry or jealous. Then you need to have a little talk with him in an adult fashion outlining your reaction and politely telling him why it upsets you. He might not understand completely why it is you are upset for certian things.

Simply asking a guy to stop doing something usually doesn't really work, unless we get a reason for it. If he is reasonable enough, then the 2 of you should work on A) Him reducing or stopping the activities that make you jealous, or at the least not doing them around you, and B) You slowly realizing that no amount of porn in the world is going to take him away from you.

While it is true that pornography can have negative impacts on relationships, it isn't always a bad thing in healthy mature individuals. Guys are by their nature visual, hence we like to look at things. Girls are more emotional, and prefer the feelings or reactions of things. He looks at porn, it makes you angry. A simple formula, but only because you have to come to grips with why you get angry at it.

Demanding that he stops to make you feel better might cause resentment. Once you come to realize slowly that pornography isn't going to steal him away, but that your reactions to it might, the two of you will come to an agreement as to how this is going to work.

always thinking he can do better and will want the girls he sees. Am i totally unrealistic only wanting him to want me?is that sooo impossible?

Don't worry, this covers about 85% of all women out there who finally find a decent guy. Any girl that has true feelings for someone early on will be nervious that he might find the BBD. (Bigger Better Deal) What you have to come to grips with is that the best you can do in life is be yourself, and if he truly loves you, he will accept you for who you are, plain and simple. If he doesn't like you for your true self, then he isn't worth being with in the first place.

As long as he loves you for that, you won't lose him to another woman or porn or seeing naked breasts. Sure, any guy likes to look at them. But yours will be the only ones that really matter.

[jolovessim]

hey thanks... see thats the problem, ..hes perfect. i couldnt wish for a more understanding or loving guy. he really tries to understand and even avoids porn now. its nothing to do with him really, its my problem. i just cant seem to make myself realise that it doesnt mean anything. I feel guilty for letting my feelings get the better of me and i feel ugly and betrayed on a massive scale if i know hes watching. i really want him to just be happy and be able to do whatever without me getting all emotional. im trying so hard to just be normal but it isnt working. do you think maybe counciling would do any good? or am i perminantly damaged? I know he loves me and i would be reluctant to split up with him because i love him so much, but if there was no hope for how i feel....would it be kinder to let him find somebody 'normal' and have a happy healthy relationship?

[Cybog]

would it be kinder to let him find somebody 'normal' and have a happy healthy relationship?

Trust me when I say Good Luck on ever finding that "normal" person. Everyone out there has some kind of skeletons in their closet. You just have to be good at finding it in people. Maybe if they were Amish or something, but otherwise almost everyone I know is human and makes mistakes.

There isn't anything permanantly "wrong" with you unless you let it consume you. Thousands of people walk the streets in their daily lives and we don't even know we are surrounded by killers, abusers and abused, rapists and raped, fought and fighting. The only thing that will cause damage in your life is the damage you allow it to cause.

This porn thing is a prime example. Sure it's a really sore spot and has meanings you don't care to relive with him. But as long as you slowly start to heal and realize that you can live a "normal" life, the sooner you will.

Counseling is a MUST in my opinion if you have gone through these types of abuse and mental anguish. It's clear enough to me that you have, and you need to. If money is an issue, a lot of medical insurance will cover it as well nowadays.

Don't worry about your boyfriend. If he really loves you, he will be there with you through the thick and thin, regardless of what skeletons you might have.

[schueys_girl]

as cyborg says there are no 'normal' people. Sounds like youve been thru a lot mate, definetly go for counselling. Dont punish yourself for having what you deem a 'perfect' boyfriend. He wouldnt be with you if you didnt deserve him

[sfalexi]

You HAVE told him that it bothers you and you HAVE told him why it bothers you, right? If not, I think it's about time you talk it over with HIM (don't post it here and never have him have any CLUE what's going on, especially something that is as serious as this seems to be).

Alexi

[jolovessim]

yeah he knows the situation and why i feel liek i do and hes really understanding about it, i just feel so guilty about it sometimes. I want to get over it and stuff but i tried by myself and cant. When i watch sexual stuff alone i get scared because of all the memories, and i feel i want him around, and when he is around i dont get so many memories but feel worse about myself. its a no win situation i just feel like such a bad partner. hes made loads of sacrifices for me and i cant even shake 1 little thing for him i feel so defective

[sfalexi]

Don't feel "defective". EVERYONE has their thing that they don't like for WHATEVER reason. This is yours. Sounds like he's trying, so just be happy that he's willing to work with you on this.

To me, it seems like a small sacrifice to make in a relationship. If I find a girl and she HATES me watching porn, I'll stop. Or else make sure I don't get caught . . .

But hey, things could be worse. She could be controlling of my life. This is a small thing you have, so don't sweat it.

Alexi

[Matt118]

I personally don't think you are asking too much.

For some people, porn is an addiction anyway, and if they can't give it up, they need help, just like someone who has a few drinks everyday, and can't quit.

If he doesn't have a issue with being able to quit, its not a big deal.

[lworld_love]

I think your in serious problem right now just calm down and talk with your guy and I'm in the same situation except that I'm a boy and my problem is bit different. You need to talk with that person tell him your problems the reason I'm not giving you any advise is because I think that you want to settle this problem with your guy with yourself. I extremly jealous too.

[jolovessim]

lworld_love, are you in a relationship at the moment? and if so, how does it effect it? do you do anything to control it, know any techniques etc? I went on this one website, and it told me every time i have a jealous thought to physically hurt myself. after about a hr of it i felt degraded like an animal being taught a new trick, and was bleeding profusely.I havnt been on that site since.

[C1d6OC]

lworld_love, are you in a relationship at the moment? and if so, how does it effect it? do you do anything to control it, know any techniques etc? I went on this one website, and it told me every time i have a jealous thought to physically hurt myself. after about a hr of it i felt degraded like an animal being taught a new trick, and was bleeding profusely.I havnt been on that site since.

To somewhat defeat jealousy you need to approach it at the level it's at. I used to be VERY jealous and the only way I was able to defeat it was to go over each situation in my head where I got jealous and think about my actions at the time. Compare it to a non-jealous reaction.

When you have jealousy issues, it usually starts as a small feeling of insecurity and you are uneasy. The best approach is communication with your partner at the time and discuss it but in a civilized manner. If you don't get the answer you want, the next step is to try on your own terms. This is the confidence building stage. You need to feel good about yourself first, then you will learn to understand that your insecurities are just thoughts going through your head that can't possibly be true. This is easier said than done. If you don't learn to at least cope with it on your own terms, you will in turn end up reacting out of anger. Jealousy gets the best of all of us, because as everyone says, we are human. If we can't have something we want, our first reaction is jealousy, because someone else probably did get it.

In your case, your partner is viewing porn. As someone mentioned earlier, it's a visual. That's exactly true. Your guy seems like a very understanding guy and not very many others would react the same way. This shows in some way, character on his part that he understands your feelings. A perfect case of you discussing with him. But in this case, you did get the answer you wanted. Therefore, he's showing that he loves you and cares for you. This should help your confidence level big time, because in other cases, guys would be like "what. I'm just a guy viewing woman, it's not that big a deal". Not the answer people like in which case people have to deal with their jealousy on their own terms.

I'm giving my own opinion based on my own experience and how I managed to somewhat rid my jealousy. Unfortunately I was too late, but I know now that it is something that you can defeat to a certain extent.

[JimmyHat]

just jump on his dick everytime he starts watching porn and bang him so he doesn't need something else to get him going....or you could always find someone else that is jealous like you