Meeting his ex girlfriend (your opinion)

[SapphireBerry]

Basically the title is self explanatory.. but i wanna know what you guys think, is it really appropriate for your boyfriend to meet up with his ex girlfriend - for lunch or whatever? You tell me

[chiamarie23]

In my opinion... I don't really see what the point of meeting your boyfriend's ex would be, unless they've remained close friends. But, that's just me.

[carl1222]

I think chiamarie misread your question. Are you asking if it's OK for your bf to meet up with his ex for lunch, etc.?

Your question is controversial with good arguments for each side ... so there is no "right" or "wrong" answer.

I come down on the "not OK" side because it gives the appearance at least that he is hedging his bets when it comes to you. Whether true or not, he should forego the friendship if for no other reason than he should be sensitive to your how it makes you feel.

The other side is that if he is open and trustworthy, he should be able to maintain the friendship despite the fact that they had a previous relationship ... as long as it is done in the open and doesn't even HINT at dating.

Of course, if they have kids together, you need to be tolerant of their need for contact.

Carl.

[sadie_genie]

It is not okay. Most likely, he still have feelings or want to keep her around in case he wants sex despite what he says to convince you otherwise. It is not just a guy thing. I have no desire to keep an ex as a friend once I have no desire to want to get back with them sometime in the future.

[SapphireBerry]

Well I was always torn between the two: "Is it appropriate to meet up with an ex?" or "Is it innapropriate to meet up with an ex?"

But yeah I'd kinda go with the inappropriate side because in meeting up with an ex girlfriend, all sorts of conclusions can be drawn from it (ASIDE from the fact he says 'we're just good friends now'). I mean he could be keeping her sweet incase you break up with him or it doesn't work out for the better, he may have some feelings he might want to revisit, he can't let go of his past and would rather keep her there as a reminiscing of old times OR when shit hits the fan with you and you're away somewhere he may need someone he knows he's gonna get satisfaction from. I mean these conclusions are not always the case but with stuff like lunch dates? ermm.. its kinda hard NOT to sit there thinking "Well if he's really doing that then something must be going on in the ex department" - I mean sure stay friends but I thought there were some boudaries in relationships, one of them - dont take your ex out on a nice 'not really a date but actually a date'

[simmo]

my ex went on a lunch date with her ex. Started cheating on me a week later. Irony was it wasn't with her ex it was with someone who her ex introduced her to.....

so no, it's not appropriate.

[Horseyguy]

What's not appropriate is when the current GF is being so insecure she has an issue with it.

I catch up with an ex now and then, we dated 5 years ago, she's been living with a guy for the last 4 and they are trying for a baby. We have always kept in touch as friends and the last time we caught up I told her to bring her BF, which she did.

Other than I like to catch up maybe once or twice a year to say g'day I have no lingering feelings for her and don't catch up hoping to hook up with her again and if I was dateless I wouldn't be thinking of calling her either

She is no threat to my current GF and it's not a respect issue or lack of it either. I have all sorts of friends with all sorts of histories as to how we ended up as friends and so does she and I'm not going to start judging her motives for why she see's people and I'm not about to tell her who she can and can't see. If she wants to go to lunch with an ex I really don't care, that's her business

[simmo]

That was the approach I took, look what happened to me. But then again I'm just that one "outlier" case probably.

[Andariel]

In my opinion, a casual email every 6 months or so to find out what each has been up to is OK but personally I wouldn't like it at all if my partner was meeting the ex. As you said, there might be nothing untoward going on but given the right circumstances, even if there was no intention on either side to begin with, things could easily get out of hand. After all, this would be a girl that he once found attractive enough to be in a relationship with so who knows what could happen (again under the right circumastances ie. you have a fight and he is looking for comfort etc).

Also, although you can trust your man, you can never know what the ex is thinking and what her intentions are. A lot of times when exes meet up it is because one of them still has lingering feelings and is hoping to reignite the old flame.

I think the main issue here is not whether in general it is OK for someone to meet an ex but rather: are you comfortable with your bf seeing his ex? If the answer is no, then I think you need to talk to him about it and explain the reasons why this is not something that you would like. If he is OK with it then great. If not, and this issue is a deal-breaker for you then there is nothing you can do about it other than walk away. Trying to force him not to see her is only going to backfire in the long run-she will be come the 'forbidden fruit' and you know what that means...

If they have children together though that is a different story as he needs to be involved in his children's lives and that means that there will be contact with the ex. In this case, you two need to have a discussion and set boundaries that will help you feel more comfortable about their frequent meetings/communication but also allow him to have a healthy co-parenting relationship with the mother of his kid(s).

[Cerby]

Personally, I don't have a problem with it. Their relationship is over and ours is now the one thats important. That person was apart of their life and I see nothing wrong with catching up.

My current gf occasionally spends time with her exes, she tells me when she is going to and asks if I'm ok with it. She has made it clear that if I'm not ok then she won't see them.

So I guess it has to do a lot with how your bf approaches you and the situation.