Can it be saved?

[fig55]

I have been seeing my boyfriend now for almost 3 years. We both recently graduated from college and are working full time. Our relationship was always good but had its quirks up until our last semester of college started about 9 months ago, then it took a nose dive.He started working more and dedicated more time to his roommates and friends that he previously had little interest in.Then we went on a spring break trip together for school with a bunch of new people in a club we had just joined, this trip has become a scar on our relationship.
He is very outgoing and I am very introverted, it takes time for me to feel comfortable around new people so this trip was a big step for me, but I felt better knowing my boyfriend would be there. In actuality he only made things worse. He never drank but suddenly became interested on this trip, it scared me because I was in an unfamiliar setting with unfamiliar people and the only person I knew was acting like a completely different human being. I don't feel that he was sensitive to how I felt. There were many times on the trip in which I felt invisible to him. At one point he was a team leader for football and was choosing his team from the group, he didn't even look at me and I was one of the last people picked, it was like a knife through my heart.He says he felt like I was trying to hold him back the entire trip, yet when I wanted to leave early he convinced me to stay.
Since returning from the trip our relationship hasn't fared very well. He has mentioned that he saw things in me that he didn't like on the trip.He mentioned he didn't like that I got jealous when he seemed to be giving a lot of attention to other girls or when he would offer to pay for other people meals because they were cash strapped, but not mine.
Now things have been different for both of us since graduating. I feel unhappy in my life and its not completely because of our relationship. I miss the freedom of being a college student and I am not happy at work, also my friends live in different states for the most part. My overall morale has taken a nosedive since my later months in college. We have good times and bad times and we are marginally better than we were directly after the spring break trip. However I cannot help but bring up my unhappiness to him.
I told him that I'm upset that he doesn't say I love you anymore.It isn't a matter of me needing to know, I am pretty secure in the fact that he loves me, but I feel as though I'm starving for affection, especially because he used to tell me frequently. He told me he does love me, but he doesn't say it anymore because he believes it implies a commitment to the future and that he is unsure of our future. He tells me that he doesn't like that he cannot go anywhere without me getting upset. In a way this is true. He has built relationships from the spring break trip and frequently visits with the people who went on it. I, on the other hand, have not.I feel unwanted when he hangs out with them, I am never invited because he feels I will act unreasonable if he doesn't pay attention to me. I try not to get upset when he hangs out with them but its difficult. He also says the nowadays he doesn't feel like he can be himself around me. That I snap at him for making tasteless jokes and such. I suppose I do, I think it's because I don't remember him doing that type of thing before... I feel like he has changed and cares more about what people think of him, I feel like he doesn't want to be seen as the "boyfriend" type to others, the guy that's always with his gf.
He also almost never visits me at my place. I always have to go see him. He says he doesn't like my place because no one is there and all his roommates are at his house. It hurts my feelings because I feel like he puts them over me.
I don't know where to go from here. He says that if I make him want to say "I love you" that he'll say it. I feel like he believes the relationship is in this state all because of me... Is it? I'm having trouble deciding now. I asked him why he doesn't just break up with me if he is unhappy, he seems to be waiting for us to get better. He asks me the same thing. I can't bring myself to break up with him because I love him deeply. Sometimes I believe he stays because he is used to having me around. I really want to make our relationship work. A year ago we saw ourselves getting married. I want to get back to a better place in our relationship. Is it all up to me? Am I ruining our relationship because of the depression and unhappiness I have been facing for the past couple of months? I don't know if we are salvageable and would love some outside, unbiased opinions.

[devonbrown]

First, the relationship issues are not all your fault. Neither are they all his. Here is the main issue:

I feel like he has changed

He has. And that is not a knock against him. Both you and he are in a transitional period in your life. He isn't the same person he was 3 years ago. He decided he wanted to enjoy college life a little more and be a little more of his own person (and less just the male half of a relationship). Maybe he is interested in dating other people, but maybe not. I think he just wants to be on his own and live his life and feels that this is the time for him to do it.

I understand your depression, missing your friends, your introversion and dissatisfaction with your job. But none of that is because of him. Nor would it go away if everything was perfect in your relationship.

Personally, I think you need to do a little more of what he is doing - trying to find yourself. I am not saying that you need to go out and drink and date and go crazy, but you need to find your place in the world and discover about yourself. In a way, it almost sounds like you are holding onto the relationship as a crutch.

He probably doesn't want to hurt you, but probably doesn't know how to explain all this to you. That is why it is sounding like he is blaming you for everything.

To answer whether it can be saved... it does sound like the relationship might have run its course. That hurts, I know, but it might be for the best. And if things end now, you still have good memories to hold onto. Don't let it get so toxic that you can't remember those good times.

Finally, think about it this way. If you started dating someone in high school for three years and then you two went off to different colleges, do you think that relationship would stay the same, or even survive the massive life upheaval? The same thing is happening here. Life is going on and the relationship is just a part of it.

Good luck.