Any advice? Big mouth/no action hero

[Stephanie86]

Guys need some advice. To make a long story short: Friend, turned into continuous stream of mutual flirting. Lust, nothing else. He's not into anything more than that either. He just got out of a relationship which didn't end well. Now, problem is while he reacted eager he's either scared/not really/totally not interested to do anything with it, since he seems to be avoiding me this past weeks. If we do talk it's about everyday matters. Which if fine, I'm just getting the idea he's playing me for attention. I respect peoples boundaries, no problem. Eventhough it was mutual, if it's over it's over right? No worries.
I haven't contacted him, and hardly even spoke to him these past weeks. Last Wednesday he stopped avoiding me and we talked for a while. Simple every day stuff. All fine.Till he put the whole sex part back in the talk just as I was about to leave.
Before we start this all over again I'd like your opinion. Since I think he's just loving the attention and that's it. Then again he's got a big mouth, but isn't much of a taking action guy.

[bulrush]

Maybe he wants an assertive woman to start something? He may be testing you. If you are not that assertive woman, then he's not interested. Was one of his complaints about his last gf that she was passive? That may be a sign that he is swinging to the other side of the spectrum, and wanting an assertive woman.

Personally, I prefer assertive women. That does not mean bitchy either. For example, if me and my gf were in public somewhere, and she whispered "I want to grab your butt right now", her assertiveness would turn me on.

[Stephanie86]

No, that's not it either. I am/have been assertive. I basically threw myself at him already, and yes I made that obvious enough. At some point he asked so I told him. I know he finds this all very entertaining, and will bring it up again. I'm just confused at this point. I mean it's not rocket science. Either you do or you don't. Take yesterday, ran into him. Since I've got no clue what the hell he wants I didn't do a thing. Was talking to friends, continued doing that. Now, here's mr. Give me attention who interferes and wants to be noticed. Wouldn't go away till I acknowledged his existence. Made a complete ass of himself by doing so. Okay, acknowledged. He grinned like he won a medal and left.
Any other advice/suggestions? Think I'm being played, or keep up the 'good' work? Be brutally honest. I can take it.

[James Banes]

He can't get over his past breakup, I'd say. I've been there. I broke up with a longtime love and got so-so intimate with another woman but never anything past second base. In my mind, I knew I had to move on. Emotionally, it was tough as hell. She was an assertive woman so I knew she'd get into a relationship. I was a pretty shy dude and I found it tough to express myself. We were hot and cold for weeks until she finally lost interest with that second base relationship that only didn't seem to have a strong destination.

My opinion: he just can't get over his ex. As a result, he's making an effort for you but retreating when gets depressed. If you want casual sex, then yeah, go for it. If you want something serious then look somewhere else. It could take months for him to get over his ex. By the time he's done, you'll have met many other guys. Move on. It's in your best interest to move on. You can be friends with him but do not expect anything serious.

[Wakeup]

Since I think he's just loving the attention and that's it.

He's also enjoying the string free sex. Enjoy it for what it is.. fvk buddies or, tell him to hit the road, you want a full relationship off the menu to go along with that side dish of pork he's offering you.

I'll add that if all you're doing is flirting (if that's what you mean by "lust" or attraction) then what's the big deal? Flirt back and have fun. (it seems like that's what he's doing) You know he's not available to be in a relationship with you. What are you wanting with this boy, you're not really clear?

[Stephanie86]

Thanks, to both of you!
@Wakeup, actually you can't get any clearer then I've already been. What I want? I always want what I can't have, think that's the problem here. That's why it's been confusing the hell out of me and while I'm still bothered enough to be in this. To enjoy it for what it is, I need to know what it is. If I pull, he pushes, if I push he pulls.

@JamesBanes Think you might have a point. That actually might explain the cold shoulder aspect every now and then. Still think there's a little player in there as well. Since he's playing the emotional card. I'm getting the 'you don't care anymore?' part now. Might not all be about the not being over the ex. There's a part of him that tends to be manipulative. Which is (unfortunately) appealing.

[James Banes]

Well, if his manipulation turns you on, what are you waiting for?

[vashti]

It sounds like he's enjoying the flirting, but isn't interested in having sex with you. If you aren't really romantically interested in him anyway, this shouldn't be a problem for you.

[Stephanie86]

It sounds like he's enjoying the flirting, but isn't interested in having sex with you. If you aren't really romantically interested in him anyway, this should be a problem for you.

That's what I needed to hear. Kind of what I was thinking, needed someone to say it out loud. Thanks.

[Stephanie86]

Well, if his manipulation turns you on, what are you waiting for?

Cause I might get arrested if I truly throw myself at him?

[Wakeup]

There's a part of him that tends to be manipulative. Which is (unfortunately) appealing.

If you find manipulation attractive, I'm thinking that you may have a bit of a history with unsuccessful, confusing and emotionally abusive relationships. (???) If I'm right, you might want to stay away from men who fvck with your head. Train your brain to consider that kind of game playing to be a red flag that you'll not ignore and that you'll immediately distance yourself from those who play you and/or mind fk you.

If I'm wrong about your history, then good luck with his manipulation of you because I fear you're going to need it.

What I want? I always want what I can't have,

Time to grow up, hmmm?

[Stephanie86]

@Wakeup You're absolutely right! Problem is it's not something I can shut off. Believe me, wish it was. It's a huge red flag, and mentally I completely agree and want to distance myself but somehow emotionally I can't seem to do that. I tried and failed, tried and failed again. Unfortunately this one (and the others couldn't) seems to know exactly which buttons to push to get a response/reaction.
I'm honestly doing my best here to avoid him, really. It would help if he let me. And yeah I know it's MY choice, but I'm a weak individual when it comes to him. I'm sick of myself by even saying that trust me. I basically told him to fvck off. Hope that ends this. Haven't heard from him/seen him since. Then again I tried that before and it didn't work. Actually getting to the point that he's breaking my spirit, now that's pathetic. Considering that this was all just fun. How low can you go?

[bulrush]

If you really want a fling with him, then pull him into a closet and make out with him. Ask him if he will buy you dinner tonight, then take you to his place. If he doesn't catch on from that, then move on. He might be nervous. Or he might be testing his flirting with you, no more. Or he might want you to make the first move, so invite him to your place.

[Wakeup]

If you really want a fling with him, then pull him into a closet and make out with him. Ask him if he will buy you dinner tonight, then take you to his place. If he doesn't catch on from that, then move on. He might be nervous. Or he might be testing his flirting with you, no more. Or he might want you to make the first move, so invite him to your place.

Don't do any of that. If this guy is already "breaking your spirit" then doing what BULL advices will steal your joy sure as shit when you get your way with him and then he makes you chase him even harder for more. A word of advice here: If they aren't chasing you then make them not worth your time. That goes for any relationship dynamic and it applies to both men and women.

He's just a mind fkr and they are THE worst type of guy to get yourself involved with. Rehab yourself from him by going ZERO contact, block and delete him from all social networking sites, email, MSN, Skype and cell phone. You deserve better than someone who psychologically screws your head (and ignores you every other way). This is going No Where, as you know so take the steps that will cleanse this guy from your system. You can quit smoking if you keep having a cigarette.

[GirlOne]

I tend to agree: They have to chase you. Also, who needs the game-playing? The other thing is that everyone is different how they get over exes. How long will he take? months? years? ever? Do you really want to be hanging around that long wasting that time? or even sleeping with a guy who is imagining it's his ex underneath him?

I myself understand really understand guys who play hard to get, as that is a major weakness of mine.

But manipulative guys? No way. Value yourself higher. Why enter that boxing ring with no gloves, you will just end up so emotionally damaged that any nice guy in the future will just walk away as your being damaged goods ...