No sex but willing to look at Internet porn

[LOVE_CONFUSED]

I firstly apologise for posting a thread similar to many posted before but I feel that my situation is somewhat different to those previously listed.......

Basically over the last week or so the sex in my relationship has been non existent, my partner has said that he doesn't have the drive for sex, he insisted that it has nothing to do with me or his love/ sexual attraction to me just every now and then he doesn't feel into it, I know this is right because some times we can go a week or two with none and then other times we make up for it and have mad weeks of sex and passion.

However, I got home last night from work and needed to pop onto the pc to check my bank account and pay bills etc, when I logged on he had left the history browser open and I noticed he'd been viewing a number of porn pages that day as he'd been off work. When I got home he told me how he was feeling alittle ill and that he'd been sitting watching tv all day.

I've gotten used to him watching porn as it's only normally something he does once/twice a week maybe but I'm alittle worried that he's got no sex drive but wanting to view such things.

[Yet another guy]

Is he on antidepressants? Any other reasons why his libido might be low? Maybe you should visit a sex therapist with him and see if you can work it out.
If your sex life doesn't get any better and you can't live with it, it's ok to break up with him. There's plenty of great guys out there with higher sex drives than you'll ever have.

[LOVE_CONFUSED]

No he's not on antidepressants but he's had a tough ride over the last few yrs and we've been through a tough time together with family stuff and he finds it very stressful, things have resurfaced over the last week or so and I feel it's got something to do with it but I cant understand why he'll still view this stuff on the Internet.

[Yet another guy]

but I cant understand why he'll still view this stuff on the Internet.

Maybe he was trying to see if he could get aroused without teasing you about it in case it didn't work?

I've always had a high sex drive so I can't identify with the situation exactly but maybe he watched it because he was bored and didn't have anything better to do. Being ill and alone at home as he were.

[LOVE_CONFUSED]

I hope it's down to boredom and not any underlying issues in our relationship, I can talk to him about a lot of things but sometimes he takes it as a personal attack on him due to his past experience in relationships so I don't want to upset him and make him feel like he's back in that situation.

[Yet another guy]

If the problems are some underlying issues in your relationship, there's nothing odd about him watching porn because if the problem is the relationship, it's not about his sex drive.
If you know something about logic, you'll understand that it does not mean that him watching porn suggests that there are underlying issues in your relationship. There are many other reasons why he would watch porn some of which I've mentioned already.

If you feel that he might have some issues with the relationship, you should definitely talk to him. Things don't fix themselves.
I'm not an expert, but maybe you should start by just straight up asking if he thinks there's something wrong with the relationship. Don't accuse him of anything but don't act defensively either. Be supportive.
And whatever you do, don't mention porn. It's a subject loaded with preconceptions and can easily divert your talk from the important stuff.

[Gypsybell]

No he's not on antidepressants but he's had a tough ride over the last few yrs and we've been through a tough time together with family stuff and he finds it very stressful, things have resurfaced over the last week or so and I feel it's got something to do with it but I cant understand why he'll still view this stuff on the Internet.

Cut him some slack unless the lack of intimacy between you becomes prolonged and difficult for you to cope with, or the porn situation is distasteful to you (you have the right to object to porn in your personal environment). However, what people choose to do alone is extremely personal and they have a right to privacy. Masturbation is not unusual as a comfort or stress release. That is normally the aim of watching porn alone. And it is sometimes more stressful to have to consider a partner's needs when one just wants the release without real effort. Maybe its just his way of coping without makinga big deal out of it.
But I can sympathize with your feelings of being shut out of his intimate preferences. Porn can be as destructive as 'another woman'. Guess you need to ascertain whether or not this is a one off, or a binge trend. (some people get addicted and then its a kink) Its then up to you whether or not it is an issue. Either way, porn is the mark of an unimaginative lover or lack of inspiration in my opinion, and that also fits the stress picture. Does it feel creepy? Sexual compatability in a relationship is a big issue. Consider your own feelings and act accordingly. I wish you well.

[bulrush]

When I got home he told me how he was feeling alittle ill and that he'd been sitting watching tv all day.

Well, he was probably tired from wanking all day, in addition to being dehydrated. lol.

If the problems are some underlying issues in your relationship, there's nothing odd about him watching porn because if the problem is the relationship, it's not about his sex drive.

I disagree. Problems in relationships often manifest as problems with sex drive. If you are mad at your partner, sometimes you don't feel like being intimate. Which is why you two should communicate more about what is going on inside his head, and if there is anything you can do to help him. I suppose a guy's sex drive would be less affected by a bad relationship, because of their normally high sex drive.

OTOH, I wonder if he is getting older, and having trouble getting an erection. So he needs to watch more kinky stuff online to get an erection, but he is embarassed to try these things with you. How old is he? This is a very embarrassing situation for men, and they rarely talk about it, but they should, so their partners are not just left in the dark wondering if THEY are the problem. This is just a complication with some men and old age. Problems might be intermittent in the late 30's, or more common in the 40's. Viagra can help but it is rarely covered by insurance. Viagra runs about $25 per 100mg pill. DO NOT get these online as many pharmacies are scams and some make pills out of lead paint. (See "60 Minutes" segment.)

[Yet another guy]

porn is the mark of an unimaginative lover or lack of inspiration in my opinion

You do mean that watching porn is the mark of having an unimaginative or uninspiring lover, don't you?

I disagree. Problems in relationships often manifest as problems with sex drive. If you are mad at your partner, sometimes you don't feel like being intimate.

I would have imagined that in such situation you wouldn't like being intimate with your partner. But if you say it can affect the sex drive in general as well, I can't argue since I've never been in the situation.

[Gypsybell]

No I don't. I mean that 'some' (of either gender) resort to external stimulus instead of actually doing the hard yards of finding out(or remembering) which buttons to push to personally turn their partners on both mentally and physically, or either one, without actors doing a parody of pantings in the background.
I also meant to imply that one can be 'uninspired' for a number of reasons (by their partner) One is that porn can set the bar too high for a partner to live up to , or follow, in the erotic scope. And porn is a real TURNOFF to many women, whilst the real thing can become boring for the porn addict. I was not saying that everyone who watches porn is a lousy lover. I believe It is a matter of balance and compatible preference.

THIS IS A REPLY TO 'YET ANOTHER GUY'S "You do mean that watching porn is the mark of HAVING an unimaginitive or uninspiring lover, don't you?

[bulrush]

I disagree. Problems in relationships often manifest as problems with sex drive. If you are mad at your partner, sometimes you don't feel like being intimate.

I would have imagined that in such situation you wouldn't like being intimate with your partner.

Ah, I think I see what you are saying. If I am mad at my partner, I wouldn't want to be intimate with them, but it's possible (just possible) I might be ok being intimate with someone else (since I'm a guy), since my frustration comes from my partner, not a third party.

[Yet another guy]

Ah, I think I see what you are saying. If I am mad at my partner, I wouldn't want to be intimate with them, but it's possible (just possible) I might be ok being intimate with someone else (since I'm a guy), since my frustration comes from my partner, not a third party.

Yes, that's exactly my point If your relationship is screwed up and you don't feel like having sex with your partner, the problem is the relationship, not the sex drive.

[Yet another guy]

No I don't. I mean that 'some' (of either gender) resort to external stimulus instead of actually doing the hard yards of finding out(or remembering) which buttons to push to personally turn their partners on both mentally and physically

What I was trying to say with my little word play is that watching porn is not a mark of an unimaginative / uninspired lover at all. Most people watch porn for entirely different reason. It's not any more common for people who watch porn to be uninspired lovers compared to those who don't, in fact I would guess it's the other way around. Lastly, I'm sure there are plenty of people who are unimaginative lovers but don't watch porn at all.

Saying that porn watching is the mark of an unimaginative lover is just as silly as saying that drinking alcohol is the mark of someone who can't have sex when they're sober. After all, there are 'some' (of either gender) who can't have sex unless they're intoxicated.

One is that porn can set the bar too high for a partner to live up to , or follow, in the erotic scope.

I don't believe that porn sets the bar for anyone. Some people just have preference for more frequent sex, kinkier stuff, partner who takes control and so on. If your partner doesn't share your preferences, it's understandable to turn to porn instead.

I doubt it's a simple choice whether to stay with the partner you love but can't satisfy you sexually and settle for porn, or leave your partner to find someone sexually compatible. It's smart to have sex as soon as possible when dating to not end up in such situation.

[Petit Papillon]

There's one way you could stop him ...

[Gypsybell]

What I was trying to say with my little word play is that watching porn is not a mark of an unimaginative / uninspired lover at all. Most people watch porn for entirely different reason. It's not any more common for people who watch porn to be uninspired lovers compared to those who don't, in fact I would guess it's the other way around. Lastly, I'm sure there are plenty of people who are unimaginative lovers but don't watch porn at all.


Saying that porn watching is the mark of an unimaginative lover is just as silly as saying that drinking alcohol is the mark of someone who can't have sex when they're sober. After all, there are 'some' (of either gender) who can't have sex unless they're intoxicated.





I don't believe that porn sets the bar for anyone. Some people just have preference for more frequent sex, kinkier stuff, partner who takes control and so on. If your partner doesn't share your preferences, it's understandable to turn to porn instead.

I doubt it's a simple choice whether to stay with the partner you love but can't satisfy you sexually and settle for porn, or leave your partner to find someone sexually compatible. It's smart to have sex as soon as possible when dating to not end up in such situation.

Early sex smacks of expedient self interest rather than the joy of giving your guts to love and serve your mate (which is what it takes to last 50 years) and no doubt you will reap what you sow once the passion burns out. Better stock up on porn.