First intimacy, lack of lust?

[Shou]

I'm 21. I don't know for how long, but I've been dissatisfied from the sexual feelings I get (physical & mental). I haven't thought about it being a health problem and still don't. Whenever I masturbate it just doesn't feel that good anymore 95% of the time. Don't get me wrong, it does feel good, I come, but I remember it feeling a lot better. And it is rare that I get a full (hard) erection.
I've been doing it dayly in avarage for some years until about 2 months ago. I remember 3 or 4 years ago was the last time it felt extremely good, which was because I was in hospital for about a week and couldn't do anything.
I was sure if I stopped masturbating for a while, the feeling would come back again. So I started taking breaks for one day, then two days, three, .. and the feeling got better, but still not that good. And after doing it dayly for 2 or 3 days, the feeling was back to "bad". So I tried stopping for a week, and it was about the same. This was my most recent attempt. I started a new attempt and am now 1 week in again.
I'm not sure if it got better. I even stopped getting excited. I look at porn and don't get an erection at all, if I don't focus on it.
I read somewhere about reduced "mental sensibility" and I've been still looking at porn while not mastubating, as habit
Maybe this influences the brain in a way to lose sensibility too?


Now the reason it suddenly really bothers me -
I made a girlfriend 3 months ago and it unexpectedly got intimate already (I'm not against it)..

I just had my first sleepover at her place, sleeping in the same bed. We are both each others firsts for everything (neither had a partner before) she's 21 too. Before that day we had just cuddled and some short closed mouth kisses. When cuddling I had and still have a small erection almost all the time, so I thought everything was good.
I didn't expect anything really, since I tried to kiss her that day and she didn't want to, but when we turned the lights off, she turned towards me and started our first open mouth kiss. Then we made out over an hour, with minute long french kisses.
Midway she let me under her shirt. She first thought I wanted under her pants, when I reached for her belly, and stopped me. But it seems I turned her on so much after a while, that she took my hand and put it in her pants.. which I wasn't sure I wanted to right then (I mean we just had our first real kiss less than 2 hours before), so I teased her for a while (only touching a bit below her belly) and stopped. She started kissing and took my hand down again; I didn't want to leave her hanging after teasing her, and I love making her feel all kinds of good, so in the end I fingered her and I think she came (not sure..). I don't regret it. (this was all, no sex)

It was very fun, but.. I was not really excited/turned on. I just loved making her feel good. I liked her touching my upper body, but didn't feel the need for her to go into my pants.. even though she tried to (it ended before she succeeded though).
I didn't feel bad about her not doing the same to me at all, but I felt really bad about not being totally aroused doing this with her =/
I thought the reason for having a hard time to feel good was because I was bored with fantasies and having a girlfriend would fix it..

Maybe a factor was that the lights were turned off and I didn't see anything at all?
They say it's normal because of nervousness, but I did not feel nervous at all, pretty much everything felt natural(?)
Of course I have to admit I was a bit "scared", as it was the time first being sexual with anyone for both of us. (Scared might not be the right word, there was no negative feeling. Maybe "uncertainty") I also was a bit overwhelmed by how wet she was and felt really strange at first.

What do you think about it? Maybe I just had a bad day, or I was too tired (I didn't feel tired though)?
Or maybe I'm just so stupidly inexperienced and everything was perfectly normal? Still, something felt wrong with me, I don't know..

We won't see each other for over a week now, so I'll take the change and hold back on masturbating a second week, who knows maybe I'll stop it alltogether for her. Not like I feel like doing it from watching porn anyway, which I'll stop doing too for now, while I'm at it.


If you can help, or make me realize what nonsense I'm talking (or not), please do so.
Thanks in advance.

[sadie_genie]

I have the impression that everything is forced. It is like you are being intimate with her because she wants it? Maybe that is the problem?

[Shou]

Hm, I' not really sure. What I wanted to happen that day was making out and kissing, and I was indeed not prepared at all that this would happen, because it was me who wanted to be intimate (well, at least with kissing) before, and she didn't want to.
I think it was the dark, which made her feel comfortable and I was really surprised.

She started to kiss me, which I was happy about since it was what I wanted to do that day, and then I was the one who first got under her shirt (without her guiding me).
When it lead to more.. I am still under the impression that I liked it and want to do it again. Though, yes, I was hesitating and she actually guided my hand 3 times, but if I really didn't want to I'd have pulled away.
But I agree a little, it felt a little bit like I was forcing myself at the start and I was hesitating because I didn't know which thought was stronger: "I want to" or "umm.. wait"

Hmm.. yes, I definitely did it because she liked it, because I love to see her smile and happy so much. And giving her that feeling was just.. wow.
If she didn't guide me to more, well, I don't really know if I'd have done so myself, because I didn't think I'd even go under her shirt, at first.

Well, I guess there's not much I can do besides what I said, and see if it gets better next time.
Maybe I just need her touching me there and can't get going just by touching her and thinking about it, but I'd feel a bit bad about it..

[Superfantastich]

Are you under any kind of stress lately?

[Shou]

Hm, oh, I didn't think of that. I'm not under bad stress, but I do have 2 exams in a week which I'm a bit worried about. Might just be that.. it's really not bad though.

[Superfantastich]

because to me it sounds like a bit of a mental block, although you do say that this dissatisfaction has been going on for quite awhile. Is the dissatisfaction more mental or physical? either way I suggest you make an appointment to your doctor

[ElectricRed]

Maybe I just need her touching me there and can't get going just by touching her and thinking about it, but I'd feel a bit bad about it..

Personally, touching a girl turns me on the most although being touched the right way can be amazing too...

It surprises me that you are not aroused by porn but you could be desensitized as you stated - I would definitely quit it like you've said and see if that helps.

The most surprising thing is that you don't want to get some when you're making out and touching her... it's sweet that you want to please her but I can't imagine not building your own sexual tension in doing so. Are you sure you're entirely healthy? Mating is a natural impulse for healthy people and maybe you have a health problem? Or it cold be mental like Superfantastich says...

[Shou]

If I had to decide I'd say the dissatisfaction is more mental. It could be that her behavior is making me feel a bit too worried..
I think/hope it's not true but sometimes I feel a bit like I'm too clingy - she did turn away from me trying to kiss her many times and most of the time it's me who starts cuddling.
I don't know if it's just the natural lower desire to touch for women, or because of her shy nature, but because of it I feel neglected at those times.. Maybe I need to talk to her about that?
Might also be I was too shocked at how active/open she suddenly was when the lights turned off.

I was surprised too when I noticed I didn't want to get some also.
When I slept for some hours after it happened I was actually more turned on from just hugging her than I was from making out before.
And I do get turned on a bit when thinking about what happened.. late reaction?

I am pretty sure I'm perfectly healthy and it's not a (physical) health problem; I don't feel unhealthy at all and things do work normally once in a while, so I think the main problem is being exhausted from.. something.
Maybe the stress from university is a bit much, though I don't feel it is. Besides, it's been vacations for 8 weeks. Just a bit worried about exams like normal.