he is obsessed by me and it's freaking me out

[searock]

Yeah I don't think I'm going to have to recur to threats, as soon as I mention that him contacting me makes me uncomfortable he's probably going to get so depressed he wouldn't even want to get out of his room or something, let alone contacting me! Ugh it's gonna be tough but I think I'll tell him explicitly that what I want is for us to stay away from each other. Thank you for your advice : ).

[smackie9]

It would be best to relay your concerns to his parents, and lay the responsability onto them.

[searock]

It would be best to relay your concerns to his parents, and lay the responsability onto them.

Hm but what should I tell his parents, that they don't already know? He's already getting professional help, and his family is well aware of his problems and suicidal tendencies. Should I tell them about his obsession over me as well? I feel like it would be intruding, and perhaps unnecessary, in the bigger picture..?

[ShannonMI]

Hey there, I could really use some help, I don't know how to get myself out of this situation.

A good friend of mine (R) suffers from bipolar disorder and depression. He attempted suicide more than once in the past 6 months (he almost made it, on one occasion he was in a coma for 3 days for overdosing on antidepressants). He's seeing a psychiatrist, but is not getting psychotherapy - basically he's getting the pills but not the long-term cure. We are both 22 years old, his parents know about his problems (he's had them for years) and are taking care of him as much as they can.

A couple of months ago he confessed that he was in love with me, and he still is. I don't feel the same way about him, never have, never gave him ANY possible hint that I reciprocated. I'm actually seeing someone else, B, a guy whom I am very much in love with, and who is also friends with R.

My problem is that R is getting more and more obsessed by me. His social life is completely inexistent lately - he always refuses invites to go out with our group of friends. Yet he asked me if we (only him and me) could meet up today, cause he needed to talk. We met, and things were immediately way wrong. He says he feels "destroyed" by ME, even though he knows it's not my fault but his own. I don't ignore him, I don't treat him wrong, I don't do anything in particular, I just act normally around him, as with any other friend, so how could I possibly "destroy" him?! He keeps asking me what I am doing in my life, what my projects are, he wants to know EVERYTHING, every little particular. And he'll keep comparing himself, obsessively, to every single little thing about me. It seriously bugs me, it makes me totally uncomfortable. It wasn't like this in the beginning, but now I honestly wish he could just leave me in peace. He needs professional help, therapy in addition to medication, and I've been trying to talk him into getting it since his first suicide attempt. His answer has always been "I don't want therapy cause I really don't want to feel better, I am destined to feel bad and to die as soon as I can". But apparently he now considers me to be a sort of therapist to him - which I totally DO NOT WANT. He creeps me out and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, like he's "keeping files" on me and watches me like an obsessive maniac all the time. He makes me feel guilty for being happy!

I want him to stay away from me, because of 2 reasons:
1) I love him as a friend and I really want him to get better, but I know for a fact that I can't help him;
2) he makes me feel bad on many levels.

But I don't know how to make this happen. I can't just tell him to leave me alone because then it would really "destroy" him. Staying away from him - without telling him anything - doesn't seem to work though, I've kept my distance in the past month and a half (ever since he I realized how insanely obsessed he was by me) but he'll still come haunt me again (like today).

I just want to be left in peace. What can I do?

Wow I'm glad I read this thread. I'm dealing with a similar situation. I was dating a bipolar guy for 4 months and he wasn't on any medication. When I first met him he seemed normal and he was a great guy. Within the first few weeks of dating he told me he was bipolar. I was fine with it because he didn't act "off" or unusual. Also I suffer from clincal depression which is nothing like bipolar, but is still a mental illness and I didn't want to write this guy off because of that. I wouldn't want someone to ditch me because of my depression. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Well he started to slip about a month ago and I told him he better get on some meds or I was done with him. He at first didn't want to do that, but then agreed because he was going to lose me. So he was on meds for about a week and he had a major meltdown. The meds hadn't had enough time to build up in his system is what I'm guessing. He ended up harassing someone he had business dealings with and he is currently in jail. Through all this I was willing to try and help him because I felt it was caused by his mental illness and I just felt bad for him. His roommate ended up telling me a few things that changed my stance drastically though. I was told he was chasing different women and even slept with an ex girlfriend while he was with me. So I decided it was over. I wrote him a letter and told him I was done and to not contact me when he gets out. I was in contact with his aunt through out all of this and she told me he recieved my letter and told her I was brainwashed and lied to and he would get me back when he gets out of jail. So this fool is going to stalk my @ss when he is released.

I will get a restraining order on him if it comes to that and I suggest you do the same thing. You can't be friends with this person. It's sad, but if he is obsessed with you, nothing you say or do will change that. And is he on medication right now? That makes all the difference in the world. Bipolar people do not think clearly when they aren't on meds. So that is my suggestion. Get the cops involved if he won't leave you alone.

[searock]

Wow I'm glad I read this thread. I'm dealing with a similar situation. I was dating a bipolar guy for 4 months and he wasn't on any medication. When I first met him he seemed normal and he was a great guy. Within the first few weeks of dating he told me he was bipolar. I was fine with it because he didn't act "off" or unusual. Also I suffer from clincal depression which is nothing like bipolar, but is still a mental illness and I didn't want to write this guy off because of that. I wouldn't want someone to ditch me because of my depression. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Well he started to slip about a month ago and I told him he better get on some meds or I was done with him. He at first didn't want to do that, but then agreed because he was going to lose me. So he was on meds for about a week and he had a major meltdown. The meds hadn't had enough time to build up in his system is what I'm guessing. He ended up harassing someone he had business dealings with and he is currently in jail. Through all this I was willing to try and help him because I felt it was caused by his mental illness and I just felt bad for him. His roommate ended up telling me a few things that changed my stance drastically though. I was told he was chasing different women and even slept with an ex girlfriend while he was with me. So I decided it was over. I wrote him a letter and told him I was done and to not contact me when he gets out. I was in contact with his aunt through out all of this and she told me he recieved my letter and told her I was brainwashed and lied to and he would get me back when he gets out of jail. So this fool is going to stalk my @ss when he is released.

I will get a restraining order on him if it comes to that and I suggest you do the same thing. You can't be friends with this person. It's sad, but if he is obsessed with you, nothing you say or do will change that. And is he on medication right now? That makes all the difference in the world. Bipolar people do not think clearly when they aren't on meds. So that is my suggestion. Get the cops involved if he won't leave you alone.

Thank you for reading and replying. Ugh, I'm sorry about your ex boyfriend, that sounds like a terrible experience. I hope it all turns out well.

This friend of mine is more on the depressed "pole" of bipolar. I've never heard about him harming somebody other than himself, in any way (if not indirectly, by harming himself). I would have sworn, before today, that he would never be able to do something like stalking me or stuff. But today as we talked I sort of realized that he is really obsessed and will do crazy stuff, like real crazy. So I don't rule that out anymore - as highly unlikely it still seems to me. If I ever were to feel that he represents a threat to me, I would definitely call the cops.

He is on medications, the kind that controls mood swings. He will occasionally skip his doses though, and those are the times in which he is more dangerous to himself. He isn't taking antidepressants now, because of his overdose in May. So he's constantly really low and has these constant obsessive thoughts, over and over in his head, and they are 90% about me. It's so creepy and wrong. I really don't want him to know all the stuff I've told him in the past about me, when we were (or I thought we were) regular good friends. I wish I hadn't told him a lot of things, cause now he spits them back at me, obsessing over every tiniest detail, and makes me feel real bad, like I'm being "studied" by some crazy scientist whose life depends on my actions and words. I really want to shrug him off me for good - at least as long as he doesn't get better.

The thing that's keeping me from telling him that I want to be left in peace - or from ignoring him altogether starting now - is that we have to see each other at least 4 days a week, and we have lots of friends in common. I think I'll have to ignore him ... pretending that I'm not ignoring him. Like, I will talk to him as with any other friendly acquaintance, but if any "more serious" issue comes up in the conversation, I'll back off and talk to someone else, or leave. I don't want to be alone with him again, and I won't let it happen.

Thank you for your advice, it helped a lot to put things in perspective. It's kind of hard to realize just how messed up it really is when you're "in" it.

[im_in_love]

Oh my gosh. I am literally in the EXACT SAME situation with a guy who's obsessively in love with me. Does nearly everything you've explained and more. I completely know how you feel, and just how hard it is to deal with this without wanting to do anymore harm to his mental health.

Recently I've found that it helps to not enable him. Meaning, when he starts hinting at things, or talking about how he feels for you (the guy in my situation makes inappropriate "jokes" CONSTANTLY - SO ANNOYING) just completely shut him down and don't let him go any farther. I started questioning things and telling him that what he's saying is inappropriate, and he stops eventually. Don't just say something meaningless in hopes that he'll give up or change the subject (that is what I tried for a long long time, and it did not work) For example, I recently made a comment to this guy about how I was excited for something that completely had nothing to do with him. He immediately responded with a hurt-feelings type of thing saying something like "Oh, but you're not excited to see me? I see how it is" - basically completely taking what I said out of context. I replied saying "Why would I be? I see you all the time" and he kept on with the hurt feelings and said something like "Well don't you feel bad now?" and I said "No, why would I?" and he completely quit with the hinting.

I've even gone so far as to tell him I'm lesbian just in hopes that he'll GIVE UP. And he hasn't!!! So, just know you're not alone.

[Andariel]

Searock, if he was genuinely interested in getting better he would have sought psychotherapy himself-you wouldn't even have to keep suggesting it.

He is completely ignoring your advice and is just using you to unload all his negativity on you. This shows two things a) he has no concern for your opinion and just wants someone to listen to him saying the same stuff over and over again and b) he has no regard for your feelings, as he is putting you in the spot by making you feel that you are in some way responsible for his depression (which you are not!) and he is also making you feel bad because listening to someone being so negative about everything and everyone must surely take its emotional toll on you anyway.This just shows that he does not appreciate you or your friendship. Friendships should be reciprocal and not one-sided affairs where one person is getting everything and the other person gets nothing in return.

I think you have done your best to help him out but, like you and many other users have said, it is not your responsibility to make him feel better, you are also not responsible for the way he feels and you cannot fix him.He is still at a stage where he doesn't want to help himself and as long as that is the case nothing is going to change for the better.

It is time for you to step back.No reason to tell him that you are going to do that (you cannot have a rational conversation with him so you would be wasting your time explaining the reasons why you need to do that). You don't need to completely ignore him if you have to see him regularly.I would suggest the following:
1. Whenever he invites you to hang out, respond by saying I am sorry I cannot make it.No explanation, nothing more, nothing less.
2. Ensure that you always have a friend with you whenever you know you are going to run into him and stick to that friend like glue.
3. If you run into him and you are on your own, avoid getting into a conversation with him about his situation.Sure, he will try to drag into that sort of discussion but just plainly say I have told you that I believe you need to seek therapy but you don't want to do that.I don't have anything else to add or suggest to help you, as it won't make any difference and frankly these sort of discussions make me feel depressed myself so let's talk about something else.If he insists, reiterate the above as many times as necessary and if he doesn't stop say that you are very busy and must leave.Then walk away without looking back.He will get the message.

You need to apply tough love for his sake (because as longs as he feels he can use you as a crutch he is not going to seek professional help) and also because sooner or later he will make you feel depressed as well. Be firm about this and if you feel guilty, remind yourself that this guilt is illogical because there is nothing you can do to help him so there is nothing to feel guilty about. Stay strong and don't allow him to bring you down anymore.He is responsible for his actions and feelings and he has no right to make you feel this way.

[searock]

Oh my gosh. I am literally in the EXACT SAME situation with a guy who's obsessively in love with me. Does nearly everything you've explained and more. I completely know how you feel, and just how hard it is to deal with this without wanting to do anymore harm to his mental health.

Recently I've found that it helps to not enable him. Meaning, when he starts hinting at things, or talking about how he feels for you (the guy in my situation makes inappropriate "jokes" CONSTANTLY - SO ANNOYING) just completely shut him down and don't let him go any farther. I started questioning things and telling him that what he's saying is inappropriate, and he stops eventually. Don't just say something meaningless in hopes that he'll give up or change the subject (that is what I tried for a long long time, and it did not work) For example, I recently made a comment to this guy about how I was excited for something that completely had nothing to do with him. He immediately responded with a hurt-feelings type of thing saying something like "Oh, but you're not excited to see me? I see how it is" - basically completely taking what I said out of context. I replied saying "Why would I be? I see you all the time" and he kept on with the hurt feelings and said something like "Well don't you feel bad now?" and I said "No, why would I?" and he completely quit with the hinting.

I've even gone so far as to tell him I'm lesbian just in hopes that he'll GIVE UP. And he hasn't!!! So, just know you're not alone.

Yes - he does all that too! He constantly interprets anything I say as if I were actually talking about him, which I am obviously not. For example, if I say that I would like to buy something, then he'll say "you see, you are so lively and active, I would never want something like that" like he wants me to feel guilty for being not-depressed! Lately I've been involved in an (completely harmless) activity I enjoy, and when he found out about it he kept asking me "but don't you feel guilty for it? I thought you would've felt guilty! I would feel guilty! Why don't you feel guilty?" over and over, he succeeded to made me feel bad eventually, even if I didn't at all before and I kept telling him "of course I don't feel guilty, why should I?!". He just kept insisting. He always says stuff like "you are so perfect, but I am shit", he repeats stuff like this all the time. It's impossible to have a rational conversation with him. Whatever the subject of the conversation is about, he ALWAYS steers it back to himself, or himself compared to me. I always feel totally negative and a bit depressed after talking to him. Now he doesn't even say "bye" to me, if he meets me when I'm with other friends of ours. Like he wants me to chase him and ask him what's wrong, I have no idea. I am so NOT gonna do that. I actually stick to the basics when I meet him now, I just say hello and goodbye. No talking unless I absolutely have to, and always with other people there. Thank you im_in_love, it's good to know that I'm not alone!! How are things between you now? Is there no way you can avoid seeing him at all? Is he getting some sort of professional help?

Andariel, as usual, I completely agree with your post, it's something I could have told myself if I had read this thread as an outsider : ). I am all for following your three points with him, apart from telling him that talking to him makes me feel a bit depressed - not because I don't want to hurt his feelings (EVERYTHING I do hurts them) but because I know he would obsess over it like "Oh, so you are depressed too? I knew it! Why? Is it because of me? I am so sorry, I suck! Sorry! Sorry!" etc... arghh! I really don't want him to know anything at all about me anymore. I know that I can't help him, I just want him to stay away from me. Thank you : )!!

[Andariel]

In that case, don't tell him that last bit.Just avoid being drawn into a personal discussion with him.I think if you have a friend with you when you know you'll see him (if it is a friend he really doesn't like even better) I doubt he is going to start a conversation about these things. Keep politely avoiding him and he will get the message.If you tell him I don't want to hang out with you then he will just draw you into the same old topic and he will guilt-trip you into remaining stuck in his problems.

Other than that, it is important to keep reminding yourself that none of this is your fault.You are not responsible for him or about how he feels.At the moment he may say that he doesn't care about himself but his actions just go to saw how selfish he is: he doesn't consider anyone else's feelings, just his own. And the most important thing of all: he doesn't want to be helped right now.Therefore, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Perhaps this is the only way he realises that he needs help.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I say you just call his bluff. Tell him you're tired of his whining and if he really wants to..JUMP, and stop talking about it.

[devonbrown]

I will say the same thing I said before about this subject matter - if you think he is suicidal, call a suicide prevention hotline. Tell his parents and tell them about the obsession you are seeing in him. Give this information over to professionals and let them assist him. You are his friend, not his therapist, his doctor, or his mom. If you really want to help him, do the right things (which could also be the hard things) and let professionals help him.

[searock]

I will say the same thing I said before about this subject matter - if you think he is suicidal, call a suicide prevention hotline. Tell his parents and tell them about the obsession you are seeing in him. Give this information over to professionals and let them assist him. You are his friend, not his therapist, his doctor, or his mom. If you really want to help him, do the right things (which could also be the hard things) and let professionals help him.

Thank you for reading and replying.

He is already getting professional help. Both his parents and his psychiatrist(s) know that he is suicidal, and what his clinical problems (bipolar disorder and depression) are. He is also on medication, and his psychiatrist lately suggested that he gets therapy as well. He is well taken care of already, has been for years. Honestly, I don't think that contacting his parents just to tell them stuff that they already know could be useful. But maybe I'm wrong?

The only thing I couldn't understand some months ago was why on earth he wasn't getting therapy. So I tried (for the whole summer) to talk him into getting it. I planned to "pass it on" to the therapist. I was well aware since the beginning that I couldn't have helped him, which is why I tried so hard to convince him to get additional (he was already on medication, for years) help. He was almost convinced until I told him about me and my friend dating - he majorly freaked out, and that was when it dawned on me just how deeply messed up he was. It obviously made no sense whatsoever. It was also when I started to realize that he was really beyond my capabilities - I couldn't help him in any way (not even by trying to convince him to get actual help), he was waay too sick, but most importantly, obsessed by me. Staying close to him would've only made things worse for him. This was back in august btw. I haven't kept in touch with him since that time - all I did was not explicitly ignore him when he contacted me.

Now it turns out, as I said, that his doctor (psychiatrist) suggested what I had been trying to convince him to do since the start - getting therapy in addition to medication. He doesn't want to get it - I think he may have realized that if he gets therapy, he won't get to have me as a "therapist" anymore, and this might be an additional reason for him not wanting to get it. Which is of course just one more reason for me to stay AWAY from him, for my own sake and for him. I just hope his parents force him into it at this point (he's clearly not in his right mind), cause I'm definitely OUT.

In this thread I was actually asking for advice on how to keep him away from me : ).

[Wakeup]

You're not getting it. The suggestion is that you tell them about his obsession of you and your fear that if you distance yourself from him he will step up his attempts at suicide. If you tell them that and then distance yourself perhaps they'll have him committed like he actually should be.

[searock]

You're not getting it. The suggestion is that you tell them about his obsession of you and your fear that if you distance yourself from him he will step up his attempts at suicide. If you tell them that and then distance yourself perhaps they'll have him committed like he actually should be.

So you think I should tell them about how obsessed he is by me? A couple of years back, when he had his first major breakdown, it stemmed from him being obsessed with another friend of mine. It's like a recurring pattern of his. He never said that if we stay apart then he'll kill himself - he just said that he'll kill himself, no matter what. So does it still count as potentially useful information? Besides, shouldn't his psychiatrist already know that things like this happen to people who suffer from that type of disorder?

[Wakeup]

What I truthfully think is that you are just as obsessed about him as he is about you. You don't want to rid yourself of his drama by the looks of things. Why don't you ask to speak to a professional yourself to get some guidance on how to extricate yourself from this troubled man's life without feeling guilty. You are taking on FAR TOO much responsibility for this man's well being. End it. Let him do what he will do whether you're in his life or not.