Huge disparity in wealth

[wanderlustboy]

Hi folks,

I'm wondering if anyone has any tips about how to proceed in a relationship with someone where there is an enormous disparity in wealth?

I met a guy through a mutual friend, and we started chatting on Facebook. He invited me out on a date, and I said yes as we have so much in common in terms of our outlook, our politics, interests, and so on.

He took me out to an extraordinarily expensive and exclusive restaurant; it was like walking into a parrallel universe that only the megarich inhabit. We both had a great time, and chatted in furious agreement for hours about lots of different subjects. I did google him when I got home, and worked out that his personal wealth would be somewhere between 8 and 9 figures (I hope it's not too shallow, but one does become ever so slightly curious when you are taken out to a restaurant where the bill exceeds 1000 pounds).

We've texted since and will be getting together again next week.

I'm wondering if people on here have any experience of dating someone where there is an enormous difference in lifestyle and wealth? I don't want it to be an issue, but I think I would be naive to think that it would make no difference whatsoever.

I think something that mitigates the difference is that we come from very similar backgrounds; we're in London, and we both come from former English colonies (Australia and South Africa), we both come from very middle class backgrounds (private Anglican schools, white collar but not rich parents), we're both outsiders to some degree here in London, he wasn't born to money and so he's fairly down to earth about it.

Advice would be appreciated.

wlboy

[lizzy-bet]

I think it won't be too big of a deal because he wasn't born into it. I have noticed people raised wealthy generally have a different outlook compared to lower or middle class (of course that depends on whether or not everything was handed to them I suppose.) In fact, I've found that wealthy people feel alienated because people have a tendency to put them on a pedestal or act nice to try and get money out of them, so he may be cautious as you get to know him more. Otherwise, I would try to treat him as normally as possible, don't let your friends know that he's rich and try early on to establish that you don't always want to go to fancy restaurants or need his help to pay for everything. I think a simple conversation like that early on will make both of you happier.

[Kitten love]

I think it would only be an issue if you made it one. Just enjoy, and go with the flow, reciprocating as well as you can within your means (even a cute picnic for a date example). It's obvious he likes you for you and is trying to impress.

by the way, how did he get so rich??

[wanderlustboy]

I think it won't be too big of a deal because he wasn't born into it. I have noticed people raised wealthy generally have a different outlook compared to lower or middle class (of course that depends on whether or not everything was handed to them I suppose.) In fact, I've found that wealthy people feel alienated because people have a tendency to put them on a pedestal or act nice to try and get money out of them, so he may be cautious as you get to know him more. Otherwise, I would try to treat him as normally as possible, don't let your friends know that he's rich and try early on to establish that you don't always want to go to fancy restaurants or need his help to pay for everything. I think a simple conversation like that early on will make both of you happier.

I'm a bit circumspect about even bringing it up; I don't want him to feel like he's different or as though the way he's treated me is unusual in my experience (even though he, and it, clearly are).

Your advice otherwise sounds quite sensible; I'm trying to organise to take him out to my favourite Japanese restaurant here in London. It's not cheap, but it's certainly the kind of venue where I could afford to pick up the bill.

wlboy

[wanderlustboy]

I think it would only be an issue if you made it one. Just enjoy, and go with the flow, reciprocating as well as you can within your means (even a cute picnic for a date example). It's obvious he likes you for you and is trying to impress.

by the way, how did he get so rich??

Thanks Kitten Love. Your comment has made me feel a bit more confident about this. Reciprocating within my means sounds like a fine idea, and I know he won't be offended if I don't take him to a Michelin star restaurant. I've always been very independent, I really don't want him to think I'm after his wealth.

Regarding the source of his money, he is a director at a very large bank in the Square Mile (the City). In that sense, he earned his money through merit and hard work I suppose.

wlboy

[IndiReloaded]

Class isn't always correlated with wealth, wlboy. Are you compatible in that regard? I wonder why he was taking you to such a pricey place, tho. Showing off?

[wanderlustboy]

Class isn't always correlated with wealth, wlboy. Are you compatible in that regard? I wonder why he was taking you to such a pricey place, tho. Showing off?

Hi Indi,

As I mentioned in my original post, we're both middle or upper-middle by birth. Although we grew up in different countries, our schooling, backgrounds, politics, religious upbringing, were very similar; we probably have more in common with each other than we would with someone from a different background in our own country.

Re: the restaurant, there are three possibilities there. The first is that he was showing off, though I'm not particularly inclined to this view of things. The second is that he just wanted it to be a nice(er) night. I can't deny that there's a clear correlation between the amount you spend and the quality you get. The food was spectacular, the venue itself opulent but not gaudy or showy, the waitstaff were uniformly gorgeous, well turned out and well-informed, and the whole experience was probably worth the money. The third possibility is that he dines at Michelin star restaurants regularly and he didn't think twice about it. I'm probably inclined to the second explanation.

[IndiReloaded]

If your upbringing is similar then I don't see a problem. Money is a tool. People have problems when they disagree on its function. Since he is the one with the higher income, it will be up to him to tell you if he has an issue paying for these upscale outings. You simply need to be responsible in telling him where your boundary is for sharing these experiences. Reciprocate, but within your means. If he insists to still pay, just enjoy.

[vashti]

Class isn't always correlated with wealth, wlboy. Are you compatible in that regard? I wonder why he was taking you to such a pricey place, tho. Showing off?

Perhaps he was buying their (the restaurant's) discretion?

Based on the OP's screen name, this sounds like a homosexual relationship. Perhaps the wealthy guy wants to maintain some degree of privacy about it?

[wanderlustboy]

Perhaps he was buying their (the restaurant's) discretion?

Based on the OP's screen name, this sounds like a homosexual relationship. Perhaps the wealthy guy wants to maintain some degree of privacy about it?

Hi Vashti,

That would be a correct assumption (in that we are two guys). But I'm quite sure it wasn't buying discretion. He would have been far more likely to encounter a work colleague, a recipient of a political donation, someone from his own social clique, as it were, at a restaurant like this.

It would have been rather more discreet to go somewhere less prominent. He's, if not openly gay, then not a declared heterosexual either. I very much doubt he has any issues with being openly gay.. I mean, we're living in London, not Saudi Arabia.

wlboy

[wanderlustboy]

If your upbringing is similar then I don't see a problem. Money is a tool. People have problems when they disagree on its function. Since he is the one with the higher income, it will be up to him to tell you if he has an issue paying for these upscale outings. You simply need to be responsible in telling him where your boundary is for sharing these experiences. Reciprocate, but within your means. If he insists to still pay, just enjoy.

Well put Indi. I appreciate the thoughtful words of advice.