how much past baggage is too much

[daddyo5423]

I do not think that being with a person you love is wrong, regardless of who it is .

I could not disagree more. She stayed with him to prove it wasn't a fling and put her kids through hell, She is stubburn. There are some things that are off limits. She and the Brother got disowned by his family and put her kids in a akward situation. Both of them should have known better and further more have known that relationship never had a chance.

[daddyo5423]

. I do not however, believe she should be apologizing for her actions on choosing to be with a man who I presume loved her.

I admit apologizing to the kids dad is a reach, but I just put myself in his shoes. I know he had to be hurt over all this.

[MaidenMinx]

I watch her kids be overcome with panic because they know he is around.

Which he? The father or the uncle?

This is an ugly ugly situation and I can understand you questioning everything. If you are certain there is more to the story, sit her down and ask her. Tell her if she is scared you'll leave if you know then you have a right to know so you can make that decision yourself.

The fact that the family turned their backs on her and the Uncle screams volumes to me. If the father of her children was such an arsehole to her, wouldn't the family support her and her chances for happiness? I know there is something to be said for family loyalty but I have an arsehole brother and if one of his exes found comfort with my sweet brother, I'd wish them the best (admittedly neither of my brothers have kids). Even then I'd be supportive, atleast the kids would be with family.

It sounds to me like you gf is attracted to drama.

[IndiReloaded]

Hope your house is made of titanium, man.

She sounds a mess, but you sound like a total jerk who wants to rub her nose in it. Girl is exactly right: if you disagree with her choices, you are entitled to. What you do not do is flail her for them. How are her choices affecting you, except that you choose to let them? Move on and find someone else w/less baggage (I would). Wish her well even. Try to find some class.

[IndiReloaded]

I admit apologizing to the kids dad is a reach, but I just put myself in his shoes. I know he had to be hurt over all this.

OMG. How long have you been seeing this woman? Leave already, if not for your own sake then for those kids. You won't last with this woman and those kids should be protected from getting attached to jerks like you.

I really suspect your own closet wouldn't survive the light of day. I can tell, just based on your posts.

[daddyo5423]

Which he? The father or the uncle?

This is an ugly ugly situation and I can understand you questioning everything. If you are certain there is more to the story, sit her down and ask her. Tell her if she is scared you'll leave if you know then you have a right to know so you can make that decision yourself.

The fact that the family turned their backs on her and the Uncle screams volumes to me. If the father of her children was such an arsehole to her, wouldn't the family support her and her chances for happiness? I know there is something to be said for family loyalty but I have an arsehole brother and if one of his exes found comfort with my sweet brother, I'd wish them the best (admittedly neither of my brothers have kids). Even then I'd be supportive, atleast the kids would be with family.

It sounds to me like you gf is attracted to drama.

The uncle, you are starting to get the picture. I honestly could care less about any of her past, I do care that the problem is progressive and it seems she has little to no desire to clean it up

[daddyo5423]

OMG. How long have you been seeing this woman? Leave already, if not for your own sake then for those kids. You won't last with this woman and those kids should be protected from getting attached to jerks like you.

I really suspect your own closet wouldn't survive the light of day. I can tell, just based on your posts.

I am by no means perfect, but my reaction has a lot to do with her kids, they are forced to deal with some one that abused them, and be exposed to an unhealthy situation. If wanting her to get away from the drama and craziness makes me a jerk than guilty as charged

[daddyo5423]

Hope your house is made of titanium, man.

She sounds a mess, but you sound like a total jerk who wants to rub her nose in it. Girl is exactly right: if you disagree with her choices, you are entitled to. What you do not do is flail her for them. How are her choices affecting you, except that you choose to let them? Move on and find someone else w/less baggage (I would). Wish her well even. Try to find some class.

Not flailing anything, just, want someone who has the same values. I suspect she does. It is not the past I care about it is the present

[MaidenMinx]

The uncle, you are starting to get the picture. I honestly could care less about any of her past, I do care that the problem is progressive and it seems she has little to no desire to clean it up

So the Uncle was abusive? It's the only reason I can think of that children would get panicked with the idea of him being around. Or is it a simple case of the mess is so apparent that they don't know how to behave around him or their dad?

She will have to continue to have some contact with both of her exes because of her kids, so I do think it is unfair of you to expect her to pack up and leave and start with a clean slate. She has kids, that slate can't be cleaned.

How long after the Uncle did you come along? How old are the kids?

[daddyo5423]

So the Uncle was abusive? It's the only reason I can think of that children would get panicked with the idea of him being around. Or is it a simple case of the mess is so apparent that they don't know how to behave around him or their dad?

She will have to continue to have some contact with both of her exes because of her kids, so I do think it is unfair of you to expect her to pack up and leave and start with a clean slate. She has kids, that slate can't be cleaned.

How long after the Uncle did you come along? How old are the kids?

Yes he was abusive, she does not communicate with him at all. Because the situation was so bad. But there are these moments where he is around for sports and school functions. It creates a very unstable and unhealthy situation for the kids. So basically we have a three sides.. The Father of the kids who hates her and his brother (a very toxic but managable situation) The Ex (who is the uncle to the kids, Abusive and manipultive) And her. she seems to just try and deal with the situation the best she can. But it is at best dysfunctional and at worst volatile. You throw a small town into the mix and you have a very easy way to make for some uncomfortable moments. I just want to have a happy life with her, I am not sure that can be accomplished in this town and with the uncle lurking about looking to cause further discension

[daddyo5423]

How long after the Uncle did you come along? How old are the kids?

They split late last year, Kids are 12, 10, 8

[IndiReloaded]

Not flailing anything, just, want someone who has the same values. I suspect she does. It is not the past I care about it is the present

Its not the 'what' that is your problem, its the 'how'. There are many decent people who would handle your situation quite differently. Good luck.

[MaidenMinx]

It sounds to me like she jumped into things with you waaaaaaayyy too soon. After 7 years of being with someone to be with someone new is just not good, especially if the relationship is abusive. And she spent 7 years with the uncle and her youngest is 8...has she spent ANY time single since she was 17?

With this new information I'd hazard a guess that she is simply trying to find some equilibrium between her, her kids and her in-laws. She may be divorced from the father of her children, but in-laws are in-laws forever once kids come into the mix. Divorcing the father didn't make his parents cease to be grandparents etc etc. This is a family she HAS to make amends with for the sake of her children, and in this short period of time it's not going to be smooth.

Honestly, for the sake of her and the kids, either support her efforts or leave. Simple.

[scott green]

They split late last year, Kids are 12, 10, 8

See, this is the problem with dating a chick with 3 kids. I presume she told you about the kids right away when you started dating? Seems like a ****ed up situation to me. Personally I dont think I could ever date a chick who had kids to another guy, I'd think she was a whore. Plus her cooter would be way-wide squeezing out all those kids. And the kids aren't even yours, so that's pretty gross when you think about some other guys kids head poking out her twat. Yuck! Pretty revolting, dude.

[MaidenMinx]

See, this is the problem with dating a chick with 3 kids. I presume she told you about the kids right away when you started dating? Seems like a ****ed up situation to me. Personally I dont think I could ever date a chick who had kids to another guy, I'd think she was a whore. Plus her cooter would be way-wide squeezing out all those kids. And the kids aren't even yours, so that's pretty gross when you think about some other guys kids head poking out her twat. Yuck! Pretty revolting, dude.

Actually, what is revolting is your attitude. There are plenty of single mums out there who are single for a variety of reasons, should they all be condemned to be eternally single?