How do you deal with baggage

[2ndchance]

Hello all,
I have baggage...
I got married at 21 and last year, I cheated on my husband and filed for divorce. Before you judge me, please understand that I hate myself for hurting another person, even though he never found out. I cannot believe I lost control on myself. Our relationship was not going well and I made the dumbest decision ever. This happened a little over a year ago. As soon as I made my mistake, I knew my marriage was over. I couldn't trust myself, the most faithful person I knew. How could I ever live with it? Well, lust and love make you do stupid things. I soon fell for the guy I cheated him with. Mind you my ex-husband had not worked in over a year and a half, would criticize me for going to school, would not help me around the house, would not participate in my life, or want to do anything with me... I left my husband last summer... At about the same time my "boyfriend" moved away for work. My new guy has been married twice... Both times she left him... The first left him for his best friend and the second one supposedly became a lesbian. He and I have gradually gotten closer... we see each other every other week-end (he lives on the other side of the country) we talk on the phone every day. He has met my parents and I love his family. It is very difficult not to see him more often. This guy has a good career going, is very much like me in a lot of ways... We have a lot of fun when we're together and I can honestly say that I've had the best time of my life with him. He's talked about us having kids one day. He talks about us owning property together... but sometimes I don't understand how he thinks. I know he's been hurt before and I know that he can't see me as the most trustworthy person in the world... because of what we did to my ex-husband but...
I don't know. We've been seeing each other for over a year now and I just feel so insecure. I love this guy... He's a dream come true... he's so great that sometimes I feel he's too good for me. but... sometimes I feel like he doesn't always treat me the way I think he should. Is he building up walls so that he doesn't get hurt?
Where does his defensiveness come from?
Am I making too big of a deal about certain things because I'm insecure because I don't trust anybody because I wasn't able to trust myself?

Please help... I just need to bounce this off someone... tired of running circles in my head.

Thanks to all.
2nd chance...

[misombra]

all i gotta say is, you reap what you sow.

it makes sense that at the back of his mind you could leave him for somebody else.

it sounds like he's willing to deal with it, but without that trust, you'll have trouble.

i don't know what to tell other than what goes around comes around.

[Gigabitch]

I'd like to start out by saying that I disagree with you about the "dumbest decision ever". IMO, that was getting married at the tender age of 21. What the hell were you thinking? You were practically a kid- cut yourself some slack. In fact, you're STILL too young to get married, even if everything was perfect, which it sounds like it isn't.

Now, the boyfriend. Do you feel that you used this guy to get you out of your crappy marriage? Maybe you would feel better if you apologized to him for that.

You need to get over the past and move on. Your ex treated you shabbily and you moved on. Not gracefully, no, but you did it. There's no reason why you have to get into a serious commitment with the new guy if you have any doubts about how you're being treated, either. Is it just the trust issue?

I think I should point out that Long Distance Relationships bring all kinds of insecurity up that wouldn't exist otherwise. You're doing something extremely difficult. Most people have a hard time with this, and it's completely understandable that he would worry about trusting you and completely understandable that you would be hurt by that.

I don't want you to think I'm in favor of cheating- I've never cheated and I think it's wrong, but I AM in favor of forgiving yourself and getting on with your life. I think you and the BF need to have it out over the issue- just let it all out one night, and then agree to put it in the past. You can't move forward without this.

[IndiReloaded]

I agree with everything Giga said. To add: you two sound codependent, feeding off each other's insecurities. Eventually one of you will despise the other as you grow out of it.

I think you should let this relationship go. The distance will help. I doubt he will be able to trust you in the end. If you had ended your marriage first and then started seeing him, maybe things could be different, but in this case I doubt a favourable outcome. The reasons for you getting together were all wrong. I agree w/Giga that you used him & should own up to that.

Now that you are free, spend some time discovering yourself & don't be in such a rush to bond yourself to another human being. You clearly aren't ready for it (and that's totally fine). Don't be one of those ppl who leaves a trail of broken hearts b/c they don't know what they want & expect someone else to give it to them. Good luck.

[2ndchance]

Thank you for your answers... You've all said some true and hard things for me to hear.
I don't feel like I used him to get out of my marriage... it might appear that way and he did help me see that I deserved better. I've apologized to him for making that decision and I've also thanked him for helping me see that I was worth more than I thought. ( I struggle with depression ). I've met his family and he's met mine... we're at a further point then just the dating thing. Your're right in saying I reap what I sow... and I wasn't expecting things to be easy. We've talked about the fact that we both did something that was out of character for us (yes it does take two to Tango) and we've dealt with that. But I also know we have huge issues that we need to deal with and that before this gets any further along... when we start talking or moving towards a life together I would like to consider couples counseling... what do you guys think?

As far as the trust issue is concerned, he actually trusts me... He said he's not worried about me cheating on him... but in the back of his mind I could always leave like the other two before me.
And I trust him, but in the back of my mind I always play the same record "if I couldn't trust myself, how can I trust anyone else".

Believe me, I also believe that cheating is wrong and a hideous thing to do... to anyone no matter how badly you are being treated... Sometimes temptation gets the best of you and you discover something/someone that you've wanted all along. Everyone makes mistakes.

and I also agree that getting married that young was the dumbest thing ever. My parents got married that young so I guess I thought it wasn't the end of the world but life is really different nowadays.

Thank you again for your thoughts on the situation, it did raise some question and helped me clarify things.

[misombra]

it doesn't sound like you really want to take the responsibility for all this. it takes two to tango? girl, you were married. he wasn't. you had the obligations, not him. this one's on you.

and then you say you can't trust yourself as though the part of you that does wrong is detached from your control.

i don't believe it. i think once you own up to the responsibility and quit trying to pawn it off on someone else, you may start to feel better.

you are the driver of your life. you made those decisions and all the ones that are to follow. saying you don't trust yourself is an excuse to be untrustworthy.

i think you have a lot to deal with on your own. i find it sad that you choose to drag others down the tube with you. hopefully you don't have children.

[Gigabitch]

i think once you own up to the responsibility and quit trying to pawn it off on someone else, you may start to feel better.

saying you don't trust yourself is an excuse to be untrustworthy.

Can I get a "**** yeah"? That there is some damned fine truth.

OP, you need to face up to the fact that you aren't the helpless person you thought you were. You CAN trust yourself. You can trust yourself to do whatever it takes to get yourself out of a bad situation.

Don't get yourself into another dead-end relationship and you won't cheat. Simple.

[IndiReloaded]

^Fcuk yeah. I agree.

One thing I will say in support of the OP: its easier said than done to 'not cheat'. So, for those who have never seriously had to deal with this, its easy to judge. It takes a HUGE amount of willpower to walk away from this kind of situation, particularly when there are feelings on both sides & someone is emotionally vulnerable b/c of issues that are happening in their primary relationship.

This is why, unless people are aware of the danger signs of cheating, things can go sideways so quickly. Most ppl don't PLAN to cheat, it just 'happens' (it doesn't, of course, but thats why it feels like it does). The other thing that ppl do is jump into things before thinking & giving time for things to settle down.

So, to the OP, I hope that you've learned to better control your responses to things & not jump into situations. Think before you act, not twice, but MANY times before you make the decision to do something that can cause harm to yourself & others.

How to avoid an affair:
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[2ndchance]

I don't think you understood what I said in my last post...
I am the one that cheated... I am the bad person in this case... It doesn't matter the reasons why I did it... None of them excuse my behavior.
I have owned to the responsibility. I'm not ever planning on cheating again and that's not what I meant by "I couldn't trust myself" what I mean by that is that I NEVER EVER EVER planned to cheat. I always thought that was the ugliest thing in the world to do. When I did. I was so disapointed in myself... I beat myself up for months and months... but I can't keep doing that... it's not healthy. What I mean by I couldn't trust myself is.. if I, a person that would be so unempathetic with others who had cheated, a person that would automatically condemn people that did, who considered my first and foremost quality as loyalty and faithfulness was able in a moment of weakness to commit such an "evil" act... Anyone is capable of doing it...
That's the lesson I learned.
I am not pawning the responsibility of what I did on someone else... I am responsible for the choices and the consequences of those choices alone.
But it is completely incredulous to hear that because I was married and he wasn't.. he isn't white as snow. Anyone pursuing someone who you know is married is also at fault, not in the same way but that's what I mean in it takes two to tango.

I never implied that I was helpless... I was confused by what I did... it messed me up big time. I'm the only one to blame for that I know that.

I'm not afraid of me cheating... I won't ever do that again.. I learned my lesson.

but the biggest consequence of this whole mess is that I am afraid to trust anyone not to do the very thing I did.

that's what I meant.

[Illusional]

it's funny how you look into the mirror and see yourself huh?

i'll put it easy for you, what is in the past is in the past. i don't believe in karma or all that other crap and i don't believe that time will come to later stick its torn in your side. however, you are only afraid that what you did will come around to haunt you. (i hope it does) but that's a diff story.

i think that you don't have to worry because you think that you are with a good man and i'm sure that he is. shiet, i dunno him at all, i am just going off what you told me, and if i were you, i'd bet all my chips on him.

raverboy

[IndiReloaded]

I don't think you understood what I said in my last post...
I am the one that cheated... I am the bad person in this case... It doesn't matter the reasons why I did it... None of them excuse my behavior.

I think I understand better than you realize. Your thinking is backwards. The only way you will be 'safe' from not cheating is to understand *completely* the reasons why you did it. It has nothing to do with guilt or blame. You cannot change what IS, only what is yet to be.

NEVER EVER EVER planned to cheat. I always thought that was the ugliest thing in the world to do.

Yet you did. And you don't seem to understand the conflicted logic of what you are saying.

Anyone is capable of doing it... That's the lesson I learned.

Anyone is capable, but that's a far cry from actually going there. That's not much of a lesson learned, IMO.

I'm not afraid of me cheating... I won't ever do that again.. I learned my lesson.

I'm not sure you shouldn't be, based on what you have said thus far. You were confident the last time too. Not trying to beat on you over this, but I frankly just don't see what 'lesson' you learned.

but the biggest consequence of this whole mess is that I am afraid to trust anyone not to do the very thing I did.

You have an overinflated opinion of yourself, IMO. You are basically saying that b/c YOU cheated, you who naturally wouldn't cheat (whatever), you are going to be suspicious of anyone else? LOL! Don't you see the irony & illogic of what you are saying?

Well, at least let me put your mind at ease on this matter. There ARE ppl who, even when faced with the opportunity to cheat in circumstances at least as difficult as yours, have the will and self control to say no. Have a search around this site, there are a few threads I think on this subject. That is not a criticism of your actions, BTW, merely reassurance that there ARE ppl who are trustworthy.

Don't make others pay for your poor past decisions. That is the epitome of unfair & you will only hurt them & yourself further. I wish you well in future.